memphisr Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 My wife and I have been married 10 years. We got married when she was straight out of college and I was a few years older. No major issues on either side (I.e. no adultery, money problems, legal issues, etc). It's generally been a fun, happy marriage. However, for some reason my wife has almost always felt 'unfulfilled' in her role in life. She can't really articulate why she feels that way, but she is generally disappointed in herself. She hasn't felt like she has had control of her life decisions (although I don't really agree with that assessment) and she says she feels limited by where we live (small town in the South) and what life choices she has made. We have 2 adopted kids (no fertility issues, just a decision we made to adopt internationally) that are school aged and she has always been a stay at home mom since we married however, she currently works from home in the non-profit world. She feels easily overwhelmed by life and responsibility. She leans heavily on me to provide stability and comfort (which is good) but it crushes her world if we have a relatively minor disagreement. Lately, we have argued more frequently and she has even gone so far as to say she thinks I'd be happier with someone else because she feels like she is disappointment. I can't tell if this is a "her needing to find herself" thing or a "she is gonna leave me" thing, or a "marriage counselor / medication" thing... Ideas and suggestions appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Mem My wife and I have been married for 32 years....also no infidelity etc....just like you. My wife also is a SAHW with one child grown, educated and out of the house, employed and financially independent (mostly, cell phone, car ins). We are much the same in that little things seem to trigger us. She is the victim of emotional and physical abuse from mostly her dad but also to some degree her mother. Her sister has similar but much more extreme symptoms. She is slightly OCD and all that goes with that. The need to be 'right" even when defying factual evidence is a strain. Every difference of opinion seems to escalate into a M breaking argument.....I wind up walking on eggshells alot unfortunately. I wish I had the answers for you, if i did for you, i'd have them for myself as well. We went to three MCs before we found one that really seemed to help us and we also determined that she is / was extremely depressed. We have followed the psychriatists orders on the meds and worked really hard with the MC. I guess we still have a lot of work to do however, I have learned that I can't fix this or her. What I can do is to be the best I can be and be content with that. Maybe that helps in two ways, one, you're not alone and secondly, accept things that you cannot change. KG 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author memphisr Posted July 21, 2016 Author Share Posted July 21, 2016 Thanks colonel -- I appreciate the post - there are some past things with my wife's father as well (not abusive towards her, but brokenness from her childhood, etc). I appreciate the counseling advice - I'll look into that. Sincerely - thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Lately, we have argued more frequently Why is that ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Why does she feel like she hasn't had control over decisions concerning her life? Does she make decisions or does she just go along with the decisions of others? Often people who do this are extremely frustrating because they don't speak up about how the truly feel or what they truly want. They let other people take the lead and then complain bitterly that it wasn't what they wanted. In what ways does she feel unfilled? What does she want to do that she feels t she can't do? By the sounds of it not even she knows what it is that is making her unhappy yet her unhappiness is affecting both of you. I would recommend individual counselling first so that she can identify her feelings and the root of her discontent. Then perhaps marital counselling so that you and she can communicate your needs and feelings to one another in a healthy productive way. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Memphis how old is your wife? How old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 OP she is begging for you to notice --- her. i have been constantly banging the communication 'drum'. she is kinda sorta communicating but, like most of us, assumes our partner knows what we mean and by NOT getting the proper response --- does not care. it appears she is 'unfulfilled' because she perceives you as no longer being a husband and more as a companion. well actually more like she is no longer your wife but a caregiver. or both. seriously when was the last time you: got her flowers, told her she was beautiful or hot. took her on a date? no, 'that was a good meal' only reinforces the 'caregiver'. yes it would be so easy if you could ask and she gives an usable response. maybe she is afraid to say the words for YOUR response maybe what she can not bear to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
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