Low libido ruining my relationship of 4 years

[Frustrated01]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm really hoping someone here could maybe give some advice or even just to hear from someone who may have been through a similar thing and come out the other side.

 

I've been with my partner for over 4 years now. When we met it quite honestly was a bit of a 'love at first sight' moment as cringey as that sounds but the first moment he spoke to me we both couldn't stop staring at each other.

After a couple of dates fell for each other pretty hard spending most of our time together. Sex was very much a big part of the relationship, we had a really healthy and amazing sex life.

 

After about 6 months of being together, my partner and his housemates had to move house and after another 2 months I ended up moving in too.

From then on things got a bit difficult - lots of arguments with the housemates, and a lot of tension between my partner and I due to our own arguments. There was a phase were multiple times my partner would accuse me of looking at other men out in public (one time in which I did, at a man with a little girl whose relationship I though looked extremely sweet) but all other times I did not, to which he then accused me of lying about it.

These arguments always felt unresolved, I would always end up saying sorry trying to make things better despite knowing I had done nothing wrong and end up with no apology from him.

 

After a year we decided to move into a house on our own (at this point I will mention we still had an amazing relationship - when it was going good, it was really good) and we ended up moving 2 hours away. This was a huge step for me - I was very close with my mum and friends and my home so I was moving from everything I knew to a place I knew nothing about, but part of me really wanted a change of scene.

 

3 years on and our sex life has been suffering non stop. I have no desire, it doesn't interest me etc. Over those years I have been trying to pinpoint what has caused it, looking mainly into my lifestyle and loneliness after moving. But timing wise it makes sense that those arguments may have affected me and perhaps to the point I hold resentment. It's now a viscous circle as my partner is now holding resentment for me for depriving him of an intimate relationship. It's got to the point he doesn't feel he can hug or kiss me naturally anymore it always feel awkward. We both still love each other and we're trying so hard to sort it, although when we try to discuss it we get into arguments every time as we seem to have such miscommunication issues. He seems to think I'm being rude, I think he's being rude but he doesn't, he can be very stubborn and if he doesn't believe something I'm telling him I.e I do want him to kiss and cuddle me he just tells me he doesn't believe me and I must be lying, he can be very sarcy which winds me up and makes me raise my voice and lose my temper.

We are both exhausted and frustrated and drained.

I told him I thought those arguments may be a cause of my lack of sex drive and unfortunately rather than it hopefully give us a light bulb moment and say okay let's sort this then, it's made things worse and it's hit him quite hard.

 

We both want this relationship to work because at all other times it's such a lovely relationship, we have such a strong bond and we are truly best friends.

My questions is has anyone else been through something similar and managed to come out the other side?

 

I desperately want it to work, I want our sex life back and I want our natural relationship back. It breaks my heart to know how much I'm hurting him.

It's very hard to explain the whole thing without writing a dissertation but I have tried to condense it down enough so that it gives the most important parts.

 

Also... Have mentioned counseling, he doesn't want to. He has tried buying me sexy underwear, finding sexy films for us to watch etc which I appreciate so much, but it just makes me more frustrated because I know it won't help.

I need to work on forgiving those arguments perhaps but don't know how?

 

So sorry for the long essay, any help would be so gratefully received!

[basil67]

A relationship which leaves you exhausted, frustrated and drained is a very good reason for having lost your libido.

 

I would urge you to question your feelings for him. You say that you love him and he's your best friend - but would you really be OK with being called a liar by your BFF? Would you be OK with a best friend who thought they were never wrong? A BFF who winds you up till you lose your temper? Sweetie, this isn't how a great relationship works.

 

I think that allowing yourself to question your love is one of the hardests tasks to do. Sometimes we spend so long telling ourselves that we do love them that we don't realise that the time of true loving has gone.

 

Do you ever fantasise about being single again?

[Els]

With all the issues that you have mentioned, it's not really surprising that you don't feel interested in having sex with him. You need to work on getting to a place where you two can discuss your issues without having a huge argument - most of the time, at least, even if not 100%. Your bf also seems to have severe jealousy/possessiveness issues, are those being worked on?

 

How was your libido before this relationship? While I'll still stand by my opinion that the problems with your R need to be solved before you can enjoy sex with him, it's possible that the issue is twofold.

[Frustrated01]

A relationship which leaves you exhausted, frustrated and drained is a very good reason for having lost your libido.

 

I would urge you to question your feelings for him. You say that you love him and he's your best friend - but would you really be OK with being called a liar by your BFF? Would you be OK with a best friend who thought they were never wrong? A BFF who winds you up till you lose your temper? Sweetie, this isn't how a great relationship works.

 

I think that allowing yourself to question your love is one of the hardests tasks to do. Sometimes we spend so long telling ourselves that we do love them that we don't realise that the time of true loving has gone.

 

Do you ever fantasise about being single again?

 

Thank you for your reply!

It's such a hard situation as no, I wouldn't be ok with a best friend doing those things, but I'm sure I probably wouldn't be able to give a best friend a reason such as this for them to treat me that way anyway.

The problem is that we are both quite stubborn and we are affected by things completely differently ie... He can't see how the way he treats me in an argument upsets me, and I can't see how the way i treat him in arguments upsets him. We are so different in that respect.

 

In regards to feelings - I have questioned them over and over especially each time we come close to breaking up and each time I come back to how much I do truly love him. He is honestly the most kind hearted person and he is so caring and does whatever he can to help me, gives compliments all the time etc, it's just that this problem has gone on so long that understandably he is now so fed up with the situation and I think it probably comes across that I'm not doing much to try and sort it out because I always bat away any ideas he has to help, so I'm not surprised he's upset with me at all, I just don't know how to sort out our miscommunication issues.

He's not a bad person at all and I hope that's not how I've made him seem, im just as bad as him in arguments, but I'm just trying to figure out a way of forgetting those awful arguments we had 3 years ago.

 

I've thought about being single a lot to try and figure out if that's what I want, but not particularly fantasised over it, and I still come back to no, I want to make my relationship work.

 

I had a relationship prior to this one and the same thing happened - good sexual relationship at first and then about a year down the line wasn't interested, but that was a very different relationship - I knew I was falling out of love with him, we were both becoming different people, I didn't find anything about him attractive anymore. Whereas in this relationship I still find him attractive, I want to spend all my time with him still, I think about our future and I truly do love him.

[Frustrated01]

With all the issues that you have mentioned, it's not really surprising that you don't feel interested in having sex with him. You need to work on getting to a place where you two can discuss your issues without having a huge argument - most of the time, at least, even if not 100%. Your bf also seems to have severe jealousy/possessiveness issues, are those being worked on?

 

How was your libido before this relationship? While I'll still stand by my opinion that the problems with your R need to be solved before you can enjoy sex with him, it's possible that the issue is twofold.

 

Thank you

the thing is that he doesn't even have jealously issues, Atleast not normally anyway, it was just that one phase over a few months where there were about 4 incidents of him thinking I had looked at another guy. I can understand why that might cause an argument because if I saw my partner blatantly looking at another woman in front of me I'd not be very happy, but the problem is that despite me profusely telling him I didn't know what he was talking about he found it very hard to believe me and that's knocked my self esteem and made me feel bad for something I hadn't done.

It's a case of finding a way for me to get over that period. It's in the past, nothing like it has happened since, so I need to find a way of forgetting and forgiving.

[Lois_Griffin]

He has tried buying me sexy underwear, finding sexy films for us to watch etc which I appreciate so much, but it just makes me more frustrated because I know it won't help.

He's not too bright, is he?

 

The fool has verbally abused you quite a bit - calling you a liar and accusing you of lusting after other men, and he thinks a porn video is going to magically erase all his abusive nonsense?

 

Those who are verbally abusive tend to think that once they say something hurtful, you just should forget all about it and pretend it never happened. Just because THEY forget all about their nasty words, they think you should, too. After a while, their continued disapproval of everything you say and do becomes a big part of who you are.

 

I liken that to kicking a fence. Each time you kick it, you don't break it, but you DO leave a mark on it. The more kicks, the more little nicks in it. That's what these verbally abusive fools don't GET. And God forbid you call them on their crap - you just accused of 'dragging up the past.'

 

It's no surprise you've shut down on him. No surprise at all.

 

And why you'd try to find a way to 'forgive' unforgivable abusive behavior on his part is beyond me.

[elaine567]

... he can be very sarcy which winds me up and makes me raise my voice and lose my temper.

We are both exhausted and frustrated and drained.

 

I told him I thought those arguments may be a cause of my lack of sex drive and unfortunately rather than it hopefully give us a light bulb moment and say okay let's sort this then, it's made things worse and it's hit him quite hard.

 

All this nastiness, the jealousy, the possessiveness and his sarcastic comments that are winding you up, and making you resent him may be a form of emotional abuse.

 

We both want this relationship to work because at all other times it's such a lovely relationship, we have such a strong bond and we are truly best friends.

 

Problem with emotional abuse, is that it tends not to occur 24/7, so you, as the victim of that abuse, tend to concentrate on the lovely man you fell in love with, but over time that lovely man tends to make less and less of an appearance.

So whilst your heart yearns for that lovely side of him, if your head actually took a long hard look at the reality of your relationship, a far less rosy picture would emerge.

 

Whether or not this is emotional abuse, the truth is that you have lost the emotional connection and without it, few people in long term relationships want to have sex with people they resent or are almost constantly arguing with over one thing or another - it is a huge passion killer.

If you were married with three little kids, then I would advice MC and IC, but here I suggest you put it down to experience and just move on.

Dating is about finding people you are compatible with, this relationship has run its course, it is over.

Yes, you could "work at it" and close your eyes and think of England every time you are having sex with him... you could fake interest...

You COULD also keep it going for the next few weeks, months, even years maybe, but it would be IMO a waste of your time and his time, and no fun either.

[DKT3]

It's easy to accept this is your boyfriend behind your lack of sex drive...it's easy to label him as an abuser (which you haven't done, but its being done for you). However the truth is this seems to be a pattern in your relationships. Time to start looking at the things that remained the same in both relationships.

 

Bottom line is someone has to break the gridlock, you want affection but he won't because you won't offer intimacy.

[Els]

It's easy to accept this is your boyfriend behind your lack of sex drive...it's easy to label him as an abuser (which you haven't done, but its being done for you). However the truth is this seems to be a pattern in your relationships. Time to start looking at the things that remained the same in both relationships.

 

I'm not sure where you're getting that. According to the OP, both Rs had different issues that caused them to go downhill. When a R isn't going well, it's perfectly normal (and, I would argue, healthy) for a woman's desire for her partner to lessen. I don't think it's a 'pattern' that she needs to break per se.

 

If in both cases no cause could be pinpointed, everything was going well and her drive just plummeted for no reason, then I would agree with you. Otherwise, no. Saying she needs to 'address this pattern' is like saying you need to 'address the pattern' of the check engine light on your car blinking whenever there's an issue with the engine.

 

 

Thank you

the thing is that he doesn't even have jealously issues, Atleast not normally anyway, it was just that one phase over a few months where there were about 4 incidents of him thinking I had looked at another guy. I can understand why that might cause an argument because if I saw my partner blatantly looking at another woman in front of me I'd not be very happy, but the problem is that despite me profusely telling him I didn't know what he was talking about he found it very hard to believe me and that's knocked my self esteem and made me feel bad for something I hadn't done.

It's a case of finding a way for me to get over that period. It's in the past, nothing like it has happened since, so I need to find a way of forgetting and forgiving.

 

You can't really work on forgiving until the other person has actually asked for forgiveness though IMO. Has he ever tried apologizing for that, or indicating in any way that he felt he was wrong to do what he did? He can't just expect you to magically 'get over it' while he pretends that everything is hunky dory.

 

Could you possibly show him what you wrote here, if miscommunication is a problem? Is he willing to work on the relationship issues with you or is he adamant on ignoring all of them and only fixating on the sex?

 

If your libido has been good before all this happened, I daresay the issue doesn't lie with your libido at all.

[William]

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