Drowning in unwanted art from artist MIL!

[Driver]

My future mother in law is an artist. Ridiculously talented but her stuff is so not my style. Desert scenery and cowboys. Some very modern Picasso like. I like vintage furniture and eclectic decor.

 

I am gonna sound like a brat but here goes. Literally every year I've gotten paintings as my Christmas gift. So does everyone else in the family. Usually they're not custom made for me... They're just randomly selected. And while I recognize the beauty I DO NOT WANT the obligation of hanging them up in my place! My fiancé and I have luckily lived in another town thus far so it hasn't been an issue. I begrudgingly hung up the two least clashing paintings in the apartment and then sadly the others literally got stored in the laundry room. She never knew and all is well. As for other family members their entire HOMES are filled with her artwork and every year I watch them hold back the "OH GOD ANOTHER PAINTING" and instead grit their teeth and say "another painting...beautiful...we are running out of walls to hold your paintings..."

 

Except now. We are moving back to the hometown and just put an offer in on the house. I have been so excited as this is my first house and I can't wait to decorate it exactly how I want! Except I showed my MIL pics of the house today and she said "OOH! Perfect space above the fireplace for one of my big paintings! And another big space for another one over ther!" Sounds dramatic but I wanted to CRY. it's such an awkward situation!

 

Although she means well and her gifts are kind...It almost makes me feel bitter and angry that I am basically forced to hang paintings that aren't my style. I almost feel like I am in a mad rush to find a painting to go over the fireplace but I know she'll swoop in and probably gift me one before I can blink an eye!

 

How can I possibly get out of this?

 

PS My fiancé is more than willing to step in and has politely told her no when she's tried to give us old paintings on random occasions...but it's really hard to do that when it's given as a Christmas or birthday gift..

[TaraMaiden2]

You're not 'family' yet. So it's more difficult for you to get involved with this directly.

 

I hate to say it, but if your Bf is willing to step in - ask him to do exactly that.

 

Find out what kind of art his mom does NOT like.

Then ask him to suggest to her that someone keep giving her this artist's work.

How would she feel?

Ask him to tell his mother, as firmly but kindly as possible that while one or 2 are appreciated, filling the house with HER work is not what either of you plan on doing.

Would she be willing to take some of them back?

If not, how would she feel about you selling some through an auction or gallery, and splitting the money?

 

There ARE solutions. But it will mean some straight talking....

[jen1447]

Ppl only take as much as you give them, so while it's a sucky situation to be in, it really is up to you to set it straight. If she wants to give you paintings all the time that's on her - store them in the garage or wherever - but you're under no obligation to display them or use them to decorate your home, and if she asks about that you'll just have to tell her. It'll probably result in some butthurt for her but it's her job to deal with her emotions, not yours. Don't let yourself be taken emotional hostage.

[salparadise]

I agree that you need to let your fiancé do the talking. And make sure he understands that he's not to put it all on you.

 

She is going to be butthurt and there's probably no way to avoid that. Her expectation is clearly unreasonable... calling dibs on the large space over the fireplace before you are even in the house is just nuts.

 

Given that filling your house with her paintings is not an option, you have only once decision... tell her directly using words, or let her figure it out for herself when she faces the stark reality that your house will not be used as a MIL gallery space.

 

One way to compromise might be to display one or two of her paintings (wherever you choose) and rotate with newer ones as she gifts them... she give you a new painting, you give her back the one that it replaces.

 

I guess the real question is, can she deal with the new boundary or is she going to hold it against you forever?

[GorillaTheater]

My future mother in law is an artist. Ridiculously talented but her stuff is so not my style. Desert scenery and cowboys. Some very modern Picasso like.

 

 

I might be willing to take some of them off your hands.

[LivingWaterPlease]

The type of art you describe is not my favorite either so I understand your dilemma and it would be difficult for me to hang artwork in my home that I don't love.

 

However, since you have eclectic taste, in your place if she continues to give you art I would hang one or two pieces of hers and find something about it (them) to rave about, if at all emotionally possible for you to do. You could also mention your eclectic taste to her and let her know you look forward to displaying a mix of styles in your home but that her paintings will always have a special place in your heart.

 

When she's present and others visit your home I would make it a priority to point out her work and brag on it.

 

Making your MIL, the woman whose life made your husband's existence possible, feel as if you treasure her artwork doesn't have to include filling your house with it. But, it will go miles and miles toward your future happiness, and your husband's appreciation for you, if she believes you want her work in your home.

 

Just my opinion.

 

There are many things we all do in this life we don't particularly feel inclined to do, but we do them knowing we will reap rewards for doing so.

[Sumting Wong]

I prefer the direct method for situations like this. There's no way around her getting her feelings hurt, but she will get over it. If she doesn't... Well that's her problem. Hang one up to keep the peace and if she asks about the others just be honest and say you had other ideas for that wall. She's not dumb, she knows she is putting you on the spot. But she is an. Adult and will get over it.

[amaysngrace]

Go buy something very flowery and very girlie and give that to her for Mother's Day.

[Tayla]

Once when given a gift that was not in my decor, I donated it to a charity auction. Win-win.

 

Most times when any gift is given its at the receivers discretion to display it, re-gift , or even to donate to someone else in need.

[dreamingoftigers]

You have my sympathy.

 

My sister is autistic and loves to rug-hook.

 

She has entirely blanketed my parent's 2200 sq ft home with her rugs. (Except washrooms and kitchen). You might think I am kidding. I am not.

 

She has given me stacks and stacks and stacks of rugs she has hooked over the years. And dozens of painted boxes with my name on them. I have more painted boxes than I ever will stuff to put in them.

 

And since she is a savant, she remembers EVERY. SINGLE. ITEM.

 

I will never tell her or discourage her etc. from giving me rugs. I display a few (she does have quite a talent actually) and store the rest. I switch it up every now and then.

 

I guess I don't have any advice, but you have my sympathy.

 

I had someone go nuts on me about "not loving my autistic sister" because I complained about the rug-swamp going on in my storage. It really isn't a reflection of my sister, her talent or anything about our relationship. Or about her being autistic or anything else. It's plainly that there's only so many places I feel like having a rug displayed. It would be Rugmageddon in here otherwise!

[xxoo]

Fiance to mom:

 

Mom, as beautiful as your art is, we want to choose our own style of art to hang on the walls of our new home, and especially over the fireplace.

 

See how she responds. He needs to be firm.

 

You can not stop her from gifting paintings, but you don't need to feel guilty about putting them in storage for the grandkids.

[Bufo]

Did you forget to tell her about that big family heirloom painting that you and your whole family agree that absolutely must go over the fireplace?

 

Tell her you just cannot disappoint your family as that painting (you better start shopping for it now:D ) means so much to them.

 

This will work as long as your family and fiancé will go along with the plan.

 

Sure. She won't be happy. But it may let you avoid another of,her masterpieces taking over your whole house.

[Mrs. John Adams]

so put her paintings in the closet and if she asks you why you have not hung them...tell her the truth. you appreciate them but they do not fit your personal taste.

 

Tell her you treasure them and appreciate them....but you do not have the proper place to display them.

 

maybe she will ask for them back......

[RedPurpleOrange]

Funny thread and an amusing dilemma. Bit ego trip-y for the MIL to assume her stuff is granted to be great. I paint myself...my stuff is lurid and colourful and I'd NEVER assume anyone would want it on their wall unless they asked!!!

 

 

By request ONLY!

 

 

Troublesome. Life throws these curveballs!

[ShatteredLady]

Has anyone encouraged her to sell her art on etsy etc or does she already sell?

 

Can you make a request for a kind of painting that you would like? My Mums an artist & I've asked her to create something a little out of her comfort zone before & she's actually enjoyed it! I'm lucky, my Mum sells most of her work so she doesn't need to 'clear some space' in her own home.

 

Will you have a guest bedroom that you wouldn't mind decorating in a complementary style to her art?

 

At the end of the day your partner will need to have a VERY TACTFUL conversation with her. I'm lucky, my Mum wouldn't do that to us. She's made pictures for the kids rooms IN HER HOUSE & she's made custom paintings for me on request.

 

I'm an artist & I make jewelry. I show family/friends paintings & if they rave about them I offer them as gifts...take it or leave it. I only force my work on people as large 'birthday cards'...they only need to display them for a few days if they want to. If they ASK I will make a large painting of the small version for them to hang on their walls.

 

I think that ALL ARTISTS need to realize that we all have very different tastes & if you have only one very distinct style you need to be considerate of others. Even if I loved that kind of art it doesn't mean I want it everywhere in every room.

 

Note....

I like big mirrors with large frames. They bring more light into the room....do you need that kind of aesthetic in your room? Moving is good....you may have some very sentimental paintings to you as a couple that NEED to be displayed in such prominent places. Once she sees your style she may stop forcing hers on you.

 

Best of luck!

[ShatteredLady]

Mrs Adams idea is a good one! You know??? They fitted the style of our old place & we treasure them but they just 'go' in our new home now

[TaraMaiden2]

Did you forget to tell her about that big family heirloom painting that you and your whole family agree that absolutely must go over the fireplace?

 

Tell her you just cannot disappoint your family as that painting (you better start shopping for it now:D ) means so much to them.

 

This will work as long as your family and fiancé will go along with the plan.

 

Sure. She won't be happy. But it may let you avoid another of,her masterpieces taking over your whole house.

 

'Oh what a tangled web we weave

When first we practise to deceive!'

 

WHat a convoluted and unnecessary lie!

Furthermore, it's a bit rich asking others to lie with and for us, over something so trivial.

Liars have to have good memories.

Because the issue is not as important to others as it is to the OP, without a shadow of a doubt, someone (as bolded, above), some time along the way, will inadvertently let the cat out of the bag...

 

Plenty of good advice taking the honest route here, without resorting to such complex chicanery...

[Lady Hamilton]

My grandfather used to love to send us his art. And when I say "art," I mean standard paper colored with highlighters of scenes like cowboys, tropical beaches, and the like.

 

Now that he's passed, I wish I'd kept better track of them. At the time, I found them to be a treat, but not a "got to hang it up" treat per say.

 

I'm just lucky that I'm an avid photographer so that when people give me wall art, I can say "Thanks, I appreciate it, but I've got so many photos I've taken over the years that I'm going to display instead because of their sentimental value and because it reminds us of X, Y, and Z. I love that you thought of me and I will treasure this regardless of if it's on a wall or carefully stored until I can display it or one of the kids will want it for their space."

[jen1447]

Agree w/Tara - that's way more trouble than I'd want to go to in a situation where the onus to not offend isn't even on me. (Let alone bc lying/bad/trouble.)

[Keats]

Accept all her gifts.

 

Just don't hang them up.

 

Either store them or give them away.

 

A gift is a gift. It's your property. Something you own.

 

Now if she visits and notices that you have nothing hung up, that's when your husband should step in. And explain the brutal truth, which only he can do.

 

It doesn't even have to be brutal. Your husband could simply tell her that both of you prefer minimalism and clean walls and that's the decor you live with. And that's that. She's an artist she should appreciate minimalism.

[Driver]

I have to reopen this post because...well, we just moved into our new house and sure enough, she has already mentioned to my fiancé, "Ooooh, one of the paintings would look great over the fireplace" and "All these empty walls for my paintings!" Multiple times. Each time he has said, "Yeah, maybe, but right now we want to be free to take the style in any direction we want, but thanks." It is my birthday today. I was expecting to receive yet another painting today - as sweet as it is I seriously get a painting and only a painting on every birthday and every holiday and at this point I have a least ten things that I feel obligated to hang up, as I mentioned in the original post. My fiancé went over to help her with something this morning and apparently this was the exchange:

 

MIL: What does X want for her birthday?

FIANCE: Hmm, I have a few ideas...let me think.

MIL: How about another one of my paintings?

FIANCE: Naw, I think she is stressed about figuring out the style of the house as we still haven't gotten started on decor yet and doesn't know the direction she wants to take. She does love bath bombs, though. How about bath bombs from Bath and Body Works?

MIL (in an apparently frustrated tone): I am NOT getting her bath bombs!

 

And that was the end of the exchange. My fiancé thought it was weird and so do I.

 

But it doesn't end there. She texted me later today and asked me how my birthday went. I mentioned that we went furniture shopping and that I have been stressed but am now feeling a lot better about how the house is going to look. She proceeded to say: "Is that why your lovely fiancé suggested we not give you a painting for your birthday because you guys haven't decided what to put on your walls????????!!!!!"

 

It was very passive aggressive and it put me in such an awkward situation. I feel very resentful because at this point I feel it is a control issue. She has a major issue with meddling and getting overly involved in things (she literally calls multiple times a day on weekends and is constantly asking my fiancé to come over and do random chores for her, constantly dropping things by, getting involved in all of our business), and I think the painting thing is another way of her exerting control. She has gotten the hint multiple times that for whatever reason, I am not a huge fan of getting paintings because they are not my style and I don't want to feel the obligation to hang them up. She gives me the gift she thinks I need to have (another one of HER paintings) instead buying a gift that is selected for ME and my tastes. It was very evident she doesn't like this when she scoffed at the bath bomb idea. It is hurtful.

[angel.eyes]

Does she sell the stuff? Will anyone buy it? Maybe she's giving so much away because it won't sell.

 

At any rate, it's on your fiance (and to a certain extent you) to set boundaries with her. If you don't want artwork that clashes with your style on your walls, don't put it up. If she comments on the dearth of her artwork on your walls, just say that while her artwork is truly priceless, you found a piece that held special meaning for you. Then move on to a different topic.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like she is keeps giving everyone her art out of affection, it sounds more like narcissism, and it is getting a bit out of control.

 

Personally, I wouldn't indulge her passive aggressive comments either. I would tell her that it was nice of her to offer but you are going to select your own art. A closed statement like that which isn't open to negotiation.

 

You describe her as being quite difficult in general so I think it is important to set boundaries now. She needs to know you will not be walked over. Be nice, but be firm.

 

Maybe that is easier said than done, but it is what I would do.

[Bufo]

On the other hand Van Gough wasn't appreciated during his lifetime, either. Maybe your MIL's catalogue will be the same. And your kids or grand kids will be rich. Starry Night isn't everybody's cup of tea even today, but I'd love to have that painting.

 

Setting aside humor, the showdown is coming soon. Be prepared for it. And fiancé should prepare, too. Sounds to me like MIL isn't willing to let you be #1 in his life. And wants to control the look of his new environment.

 

I still think my idea would work. All it would take is one family member co-conspirator, preferably female, to make it work. You'd have to signal her to come riding to the rescue after the big reveal, but when she arrived all she'd have to say is "Aunt Tilly's picture is perfect there. She'd be so happy it found a perfect display place". The hearts &minds war won't be over but you will have won that battle.

[Mr. Lucky]

She proceeded to say: "Is that why your lovely fiancé suggested we not give you a painting for your birthday because you guys haven't decided what to put on your walls????????!!!!!"

 

I'd give MIL one or two spots in the house for artwork display. Everytime she gave you a new painting, your partner should ask her if she wants the old one back. If she says "no", sell, donate, give away or trash.

 

No white lies, deception or games. Just be up front, she'll get the point...

 

Mr. Lucky