Marriage and menopause aka I just threw a red pepper across the kitchen

[annieo]

Anyone have advice on how to deal with a longstanding lack of help with menial chores around the house, while at age fifty and getting increasingly incapable of being patient? I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable anymore, or if my own hormonal upheaval/lack is highlighting for me how completely taken for granted I have been for many years. Whatever the reason, I am deeply resentful of being the house skivvy (British slang for person who does all the **** work).

 

Today, issues were thrown into high gear due to a) a sprained finger that I got doing the laundry earlier on and b) me trying to make dinner with said sprained finger and c) after asking for some help, having my husband come resentfully bustling into the kitchen and starts to "help" without asking me what needs doing. He has never cooked for us and the kids (if I finally say I can't and want him to take over, it means take out, or he'll say we can just scavenge the fridge).

There was a plan for tonight's dinner and he didn't know what it was. When I asked him if he knows what to do, he responded angrily that cooking wasn't that complicated and I had been a pain in the ass all day long, complaining about my finger (which hurts like hell). That's when the red pepper went flying across the room and I went upstairs to be alone.

 

I'm sick of nagging, but I'm also sick of doing so much without help or recognition of the fact that it IS work. I'm also sick of being denigrated and minimized, and having everything I do around here denigrated and minimized. But maybe that's just the lack of progesterone talking.

[xxoo]

I'm sincerely sorry, but also laughing a little bit. I hope you can see the humor in the red pepper flying across the room in a day or two...

 

What about the kids? Can they help? Not that your husband shouldn't, but kids can cook, too.

 

I hope the kids do their own laundry!

 

Can you hire a housekeeper?

 

No one can take you for granted without your consent. Do less. Hire help. Or just allow less to get done.

 

What do you do for yourself and for stress relief? I work out, and EVERYONE in this house knows how important that time is to me. Kids and husband alike know that I'm going to take that time, and they can plan around it. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy

Edited April 16, 2016 by xxoo

[SammySammy]

Stop nagging. Communicate.

 

Nagging your husband to help, expecting him to know your "plan" or ask for it and then getting angry when he doesn't is unreasonable. It's not surprising that didn't work and led to both of you being frustrated.

 

If you really want to accomplish a result, there's a way to do it. It starts with clear communication. Not emotional outbursts.

[Tayla]

Truly can identify with that level of exasperation!

 

luckily once I stopped taking out my chemical change on others, things progressed.

 

Tell your family that you are entering that mid life phase of change. they deserve to garner understanding and assist .

 

Once my family had that "aha! Moment", things changed. this included my not biting off heads ... They certainly were insightful when I was having one of my moments. It became like a war scene... And ppl ran for cover! I genuinely feel for anyone going thru that high and often random level of irrational behavior.

 

Throw marsh mellows next time. I'll have the syrup ready !

[len51]

As someone who used to spend a third of each year out of the country, I know the value of a stay at home wife. Our deal is that she does the household chores she is capable of doing and I work my butt off making the money so she can live a life she never dreamed she could have. We have no kids and I have offered to hire a housekeeper for her but she WANTS to do it all herself. The last time I tried to take over some of her chores, she accused me of taking away her job. She enjoys being the Mistress of our Domain.

 

I have traveled to over 20 counties, worked 6 long days a week and used to wake up not knowing what country I was in. I have a high paying job and as a result I am on medication for insomnia, depression, anxiety and acid Re-flux. I got injured on a flight to Italy and as a result I have several herniated disks. The best part is that she spend an average of two hours a day on housework. I make my own breakfast and lunch. I work from home so all I wear each day is a tee shirt and shorts.

 

I even was OK when she learned that she is bisexual and wanted her girlfriend to live with us. I never really had time to enjoy the money I made but I made sure that my wife did. She is the one who thinks she is out of my league and still does not know why I even asked her out on a date. She is very grateful for the live I have given to her. Yes, you heard me right, I gave her her wonderful life and never asked her to work a day even though we never had kids. I would trade places with her in a heartbeat.

 

I have twice relocated so we could be near her sister who always seems to move away a year or two later. I have relocated when she was unhappy were we lived. I have changed jobs whenever she wanted to move. I offer her a housekeeper but she refuses. I do not feel any guilt at all.

 

When she went through menopause I bought her a puppy to care for and that seemed to do the trick. That dog is at her side every minute of the day. When she goes out, her dog cries for her. When we are both out and then come home, he runs right past me like I do not exist and jumps all over my wife. They share a couch and bed. I continue to work and will have to work until I am 70 because of the big pay cut I took so that we could live near her sister who we saw more when we lived 1900 miles away. I bought a smaller house so there is not much for her to clean. I have no guilt at all.

[annieo]

Just to clarify, I have a full-time, very demanding job outside the home, as does my husband. And yes, communicating calmly is my goal. Tomorrow.

[Methodical]

Today, issues were thrown into high gear due to a) a sprained finger that I got doing the laundry earlier on and b) me trying to make dinner with said sprained finger and c) after asking for some help, having my husband come resentfully bustling into the kitchen and starts to "help" without asking me what needs doing. He has never cooked for us and the kids (if I finally say I can't and want him to take over, it means take out, or he'll say we can just scavenge the fridge).

There was a plan for tonight's dinner and he didn't know what it was. When I asked him if he knows what to do, he responded angrily that cooking wasn't that complicated and I had been a pain in the ass all day long, complaining about my finger (which hurts like hell). That's when the red pepper went flying across the room and I went upstairs to be alone.

 

Does he genuinely not value what you bring to the table in the relationship on a regular basis, or were you having a moment bc your finger hurt and your hormones are playing hide and seek? I know that's a tough question bc it's hard to look in the mirror and admit that perhaps there was some irrational emotions that got the better of you in the heat of the moment.

 

You asked for help and rather than coming into the kitchen and asking for a step by step guide, he took over, begrudgingly by your account. Yes, you had a plan but found it too daunting given the circumstances so he took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and attempted to step up to the plate. No, he didn't know your plan but rather than going with his usual MO, he tried. Hormones, or lack thereof, can cause us to do irrational things sometimes. Truthfully, we can act like piranhas when we are in pain and whoever is around at the time takes the brunt of our bite.

 

(Many years ago when I was prego, hubs said something that didn't set well so I tossed a plate of eggs. Afterward, he started cleaning up the mess I'd made and that enraged me more. So, I'm not judging you, just merely pointing out that sometimes we behave irrationally and at the time, we feel justified. It's not until later when we've settled down that we think about our reaction and realize we went overboard. I suspect you feel that way now; otherwise, you wouldn't be questioning whether or not your reaction was too harsh. Hubs and I laugh about that hairy moment now but at the time there was nothing humorous about that episode.)

 

Take a deep breath and start fresh tomorrow.

[dichotomy]

.....highlighting for me how completely taken for granted I have been for many years. Whatever the reason, I am deeply resentful of being the house skivvy (British slang for person who does all the **** work).

 

He has never cooked for us and the kids

 

I'm sick of nagging, but I'm also sick of doing so much without help or recognition of the fact that it IS work.

 

And you have a full time job just like he does ?

 

What does your husband do around the home or with the kids - what are his responsibilities? Laundry? Groceries? Cleaning? Grounds and Gardens ? Taking the kids around to lessons and sports ?..... or nothing and you really are the house skivvy.

 

Might be time for a maid service, or food service, or both - and he pays half.

[annieo]

I fully admit that my hormonal state affects my mood, and probably has done, at least part of the time, since I got my period (PMS). However, it would be nice if men took responsibility for their hormonally affected moods; testosterone has been known to increase a lot of negative emotions too

 

Anyway, on to a new page today. Finger hurts like a bugger and can't hold my coffee cup in my right hand. Think it's a bad sprain, not a dislocation (hopefully). Going to enlist help from the man and the kids today, and try to do it nicely and effectively. His parents and our nieces and nephew are coming over for dinner tonight - the sun is shining, it feels like spring finally and we're going to have a little BBQ. All things considered, could be much worse.

 

Thanks for all of your great advice, love shackers. Much appreciated

[Lois_Griffin]

Just to clarify, I have a full-time, very demanding job outside the home, as does my husband. And yes, communicating calmly is my goal. Tomorrow.

Of course you do.

 

Yet you're still expected to do the overwhelming majority of the housework, cooking, laundry, cleaning, food shopping and child rearing. I'll also assume while you're busting your butt day and night doing all this stuff, Husband of the Year is probably laying on the couch watching TV and scratching his ass.

 

That's why i laugh every time I hear men whining that marriage only benefits women. Marriage, for a LOT of women, is a whole lot of work with very little reward.

[Arieswoman]

annieo,

I take my hat off to you for sticking this out as long as you have done, and it may not necessarily be hormones talking...

 

I married a clone of your hubby first time around and made a rod for my own back by doing far too much from the word "go"..

After 5 years I woke up and decided that I wasn't going to be treated like an unpaid domestic any more and asked him for help, which he refused. I then suggested that we get someone in to do some cleaning, and he didn't like that idea either.

 

So I went on strike and just didn't do stuff. When there were no work shirts ironed he threw a wobbler. I told him to iron them himself, which he couldn't do, so he had to go to work in creased ones ( ! ).

 

His response was to cheat with a girl from work, and he spun her a yarn about how lazy his wife was etc.

 

Now I'm hoping that your hubby has more brain cells than my first one and when you ask him for more help about the house, he'll pitch in.

If you are both working f/t them maybe it's time to get a cleaner?

 

If you talk to him about this rationally and assertively then hopefully he'll see reason.

 

PS. He's lucky you only threw a pepper, I threw plates

[dreamingoftigers]

annieo,

I take my hat off to you for sticking this out as long as you have done, and it may not necessarily be hormones talking...

 

I married a clone of your hubby first time around and made a rod for my own back by doing far too much from the word "go"..

After 5 years I woke up and decided that I wasn't going to be treated like an unpaid domestic any more and asked him for help, which he refused. I then suggested that we get someone in to do some cleaning, and he didn't like that idea either.

 

So I went on strike and just didn't do stuff. When there were no work shirts ironed he threw a wobbler. I told him to iron them himself, which he couldn't do, so he had to go to work in creased ones ( ! ).

 

His response was to cheat with a girl from work, and he spun her a yarn about how lazy his wife was etc.

 

Now I'm hoping that your hubby has more brain cells than my first one and when you ask him for more help about the house, he'll pitch in.

If you are both working f/t them maybe it's time to get a cleaner?

 

If you talk to him about this rationally and assertively then hopefully he'll see reason.

 

PS. He's lucky you only threw a pepper, I threw plates

 

I once threw a lasagna.

 

It wasn't an argument over housework and I had been put on an " anti-depressant" that really just made me ragingly nuts. I couldn't believe it. The rage (which I normally NEVER have) was overwhelming.

 

Granted my husband was snarky and it took being on the anti-depressant to realize I wasn't actually "depressed" but that my husband was treating me very crappily at the time which was traumatizing me.

 

So, even though it took the anti-depressant and, to be honest, some rage demonstrated I wasn't taking it anymore, it did work out.

 

The power dynamic in the relationship actually shifted because he hadn't seen me angry or upset very often. So strangely enough, he resented my tears. He felt "manipulated" by them. But when he saw me get pissed off right back at him, often overblowing it, he recognized I was "really hurt." Because that's how he expresses it.

 

So, finally we were able to start communicating. (Ironic, no?)

 

But the lasagna really let me know I had to go off the Wellbutrin. We still joke about the "Lasagna Toss." He says it's a good idea for a new Olympic Event. He'll "nervously" bring home lasagna etc.

 

So maybe you need more red peppers going airborne.

Clearly talking about your dissatisfaction hasn't met with much appreciation or change.

[Arieswoman]

I once threw a lasagna.

 

Now that's funny ...

 

[mightycpa]

Throw in some lettuce, cucumbers, radishes, tomatoes and other goodies, and next time it can be a tossed salad! I will have to say that if you've been doing all the cooking for, I don't know, 20 years, then you pretty much have built a strong expectation.

 

If you want that to change, especially in the future, you've got to do a much better job than "my finger hurts, come make dinner!" Notice I said you've GOT TO, rather than you "SHOULD HAVE TO". You see, we're dealing with people here, so it's likely you've got to go the extra mile to drag him along with the plan.

 

The other thing I notice about what you wrote is that he was resentful. If you're going to communicate, then you need to ask about that, very neutrally, I might add. Maybe something like:

 

You know, the other night when we got all angry about who was going to make dinner,

As an aside, did you notice how I phrased that? You don't want this conversation to go off on a tangent about who got angry, or to reignite the animosity over dinner-making. Expect that your effort to communicate might do exactly that, and be prepared to redirect it if it does. Moving on:

You know, the other night when we got all angry about who was going to make dinner, I noticed that you seemed resentful that I asked you for help. I guess I can understand this if I sprung it on you for no reason,, but you know, my finger hurt pretty ****ing bad, and I honestly needed the help. So I don't get it. Did you have something planned or better to do with your time that I didn't know about? Were you angry because I hurt my finger? Did I ask wrong? I want to understand this resentment, or whatever you want to call it, and I don't. So explain it to me.

And thus begins the exercise of engaging in good-faith disagreements. Of course, that would have been better right on the spot, but the sooner the better. Edited April 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Liam1]

He has never cooked for us and the kids (if I finally say I can't and want him to take over, it means take out, or he'll say we can just scavenge the fridge).

 

So, what's wrong with that solution? Seems as if it's problem solved to me. You don't have to cook and everyone gets fed. It's not like he demanded that you cook dinner.

 

 

I'm sick of nagging, but I'm also sick of doing so much without help or recognition of the fact that it IS work.

He offered you a solution but you denigrated it and minimized it. Why? Offering an alternative to cooking shows he does recognize that cooking is work for you.

 

I'm also sick of being denigrated and minimized, and having everything I do around here denigrated and minimized. But maybe that's just the lack of progesterone talking.

Well, minimizing and denigrating are not good things to do.

 

Counseling may help so you can communicate the issues in a supportive environment.

[georgia girl]

I once started a huge argument over who unloads the dishwasher! Once I calmed down, I realized how silly it was. But, in the heat of the moment, it seemed so illustrative of the balance of duties. We, like you, both have demanding jobs and I - yep, me - created an "inside/outside" rule where I predominantly do the inside stuff and he does the outside stuff. (Problem is we have such a large yard that both of us need to do the outside).

 

Yes, the rule was silly because I was a newlywed and wanted to be "super wife." Yes, I was hormonal from surgically-induced menopause. Yes, we laugh about it now and yes, my husband now helps inside.

 

I know that when I went through menopause it was scary sometimes how quickly my emotions could change. Because of surgery, I couldn't take replacements. But, I had a very good friend advise that when the swings happen, stop what you are doing, walk away and distract yourself to calm down. It really worked!!! (Particularly at work.)

 

Menopause sucks. Particularly at 38 and post-operatively when the surgery was driven by out-of-control estrogen that drove the need for surgery. It ages you in a way I was not expecting. Five years later and it's all good. It gets better.

 

On the humor side, we now refer to the dishwasher incident as "The Great Dishes Divide of 2012."

[Trishern]

I know exactly what you mean. I have decided not to let these things stress me out and I just make sure we have bread with fillings in the kitchen and if I'm not up to cooking, then it's every man for himself.

 

 

If I get any complaint I tell them all that people are starving around the world and would be grateful for bread and butter. I'm not getting high blood pressure over it anymore.

 

 

My kids are teens. I see no reason to let myself get so upset like I did in times past.

 

 

Mrs T