Puller Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Sure we can't expect a fairytale marriage, but there's nothing wrong with trying to get as close to it as possible. I am a firm believer that what makes a good marriage is sharing the same core values (given that you both have chemistry and truly love eachother) The big question is what are those values? What values are the most important for a strong couple to share and agree on? Are they religion, views on drug and alcohol use, parenting styles, etc.? Or are they something else? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Off the top of my head: Joy in the other persons joy Understanding their love language Willingness to put their needs (or benefit) above yours when needed Compromise/Sacrifice Respect _ and understanding what would be disrespectful Having each others back - and defending the marriage Listening Saying your sorry Forgiveness when they don't say they are sorry Praise and thank you's Shared vision of the future Understood roles and expectations in the marriage Playfulness 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Why can't you expecct a fairytale marriage? You will reap the fruits of your labor and then some, if both of you put effort into being happy, trusting, trustworthy, and open. There is no magic formula to marriage. You simply flow from day to day, month to month, and year to year. My wife and I are not very similar. I am Christian (though not mainstream) and she is atheist. I am the fun parent and she is the strict one (I always have her back). She is a computer nerd and I am the "outdoorsy type." She is an introvert, and I am an extrovert. She loves movies where I prefer music. Our goals are similar but not the same. I spend, she saves. Even with all of that, our marriage just simply WORKS. I love her dearly and she loves me. We aren't the same, but we compliment each other's lives. If you and your spouse communicate your needs and try to work to make each other happy and content, you can have a very good marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Puller Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 @Tx-sc By fairytail marriage I meant no marriage is all butterflies and rainbows. They take work and there are issue. Not that there aren't great marriages. I know there are. Link to post Share on other sites
Parannonx Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Honesty and mutual respect. If you have those you can work through anything, if those are missing then it's a crap shoot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Mutual respect, and commitment to the relationship, not just partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Lots of drinking...lol just kidding! ;') A good marriage is based on mutual respect & good communication. A couple that can really communicate & really listen to each other's needs will always be good, even through bad times. A good marriage is work & if you put in the work together, you'll as a couple will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 (edited) In my humble opinion, "The Fairy-Tale Marriage," is bull****. . . it does not exist - period, end of story. Marriage will surprise you (and should do so very often in the honeymoon stages) into feeling as if you are in a fairy-tale. If it has not done that lately for you, DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR SPOUSE FIRST - but rather, what can you yourself do to spark the romance in your marriage. The component of marriage I hold in the HIGHEST regard is Trust. I could go on about this one for days. . . suffice to say that you'll know FOR SURE when you yourself are trustworthy. We can really never know 100% for sure that our spouse is 100% perfect and 100% deserving of the highest level of trust. What I personally experienced was that when I finally became trustworthy at every level (after many years of maturing), that my trust for her naturally came with that. I trust my wife completely. Everything that I do, I do for the relationship, and for her. . . A marriage takes a lot more than just trust. But, from my point of view, it's the most important component for the rest of it to unfold and, just like a fine wine, improve with age. . . Edited February 4, 2016 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me grammar Link to post Share on other sites
pondhawk Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Just to add a few more to the great suggestions above..... • Make an agreement: When mad at each other, NEVER call each other names. You can yell, but no name calling. • Complete loyalty. Be loyal with your body and thoughts. • Have a regular date night. • Have sex often. • Be able to say, "I was wrong." and "I'm sorry." Link to post Share on other sites
pondhawk Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Oh yes! And one more important thing... • Learn that love evolves. Lustful feelings will disappear and lasting love is sometimes long suffering. That hot passionate feeling will mellow out, but it's okay. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Commitment to the marriage no matter what life throws at a couple is huge. A marriage is only as happy as the worst times; any couple can stay together during easy periods but the strength of the marriage is shown in how the couple handles difficulties. Communication is extremely important. Couples must learn to convey their feelings in a forthright and respectful manner. It takes time to learn how to disagree in a constructive way. Sex is far more crucial than most people care to admit. It is what separates a marriage from a friendship and sex is a barometer for how well the marriage is going too. Sexual issues must be handled with grace, maturity and sensitivity. Values about fidelity, children, religion, time spent as a couple, financial matters and goals should be shared. If one spouse thinks open marriages are okay and the other does not, there will likely be much conflict along with hurt feelings. If one spouse wants a big family and the other spouse only wants one child, there will certainly be friction and maybe even a divorce if a compromise cannot be reached. This is why engagement periods are so important. Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 (edited) Idk how to answer this... Ok, there is no fairytale. A fairytale in my mind suggests you get married and viola! Life is great until you die. Even the best of marriages is a load of work. I don't care how compatible you think you are going in, there WILL BE comprises. And with these come power struggles. It is INEVITABLE! in ALL relationships. These will pop up from time to time. For better or worse means what it means. The "Worse" part is a reminder up front you are going to have a some years where you may indeed loath that person you married. .... however, that better part is worth it. I'll trade 9 great years for one sht one myself anyway. Or 8 to 2. Or even 7 to 3 might happen one decade in six. I mean we are talking about forever after all. It is hard hard work. Some days you feel like quitting, I don't think this is avoidable in a life long commitment. There are no values, only understanding you need to pick someone who meets your emotional needs. Then understand that a life long commitment will include days where you want to never see that person again. Come to an understanding of this FACT and when you know in your heart you want to work through it no matter what in the end. When you can't see yourself looking back at all that life has given you and thrown at you with anyone but that one person by your side. Someday we will retire and get old together. .. and I can't think of anyone else that could possibly be able to laugh at the same moments and cry at the same moments... there's just something a little bit more there. Hasn't been matched by another yet... Edited February 5, 2016 by T-16bullseyeWompRat Link to post Share on other sites
HopeForTomorrow Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I think that a good relationship can get past all the typical issues such as religion, sharing personal interests, parenting styles, etc. But I think there are some basic yet critical things that have to be addressed. • Make an agreement: When mad at each other, NEVER call each other names. I would like to re-emphasize the above. I’ve had very recent experience with this one. There is no place in a marriage or LTR for name-calling. People who love you simply do not do this. Calling someone horrible, vile and accusatory names is soul destroying. It kills Hope and trust. The second critical component for success of a marriage/LTR is communication. I don’t mean just talking. Listening is just as important if not more important. Actually not ‘listening’ but ‘hearing’. Really hearing what your partner is trying to tell you, even if you don’t like the message. Lashing out in anger or name-calling or passive-aggressive withdrawal of affection, just because you won’t HEAR what your partner feels is an issue and DISCUSS IT RATIONALLY. Nothing can be solved without two-way communication. Nothing. If you are in a marriage/LTR and you are unwilling to hear how your partner feels (whether it’s justified or not) and communicate with him/her about it then it ain’t ever gonna work. Related to this is being willing to own your crap, admit it, and apologize if needed. And be heard and accepted by your partner when YOU apologize. The third critical component – trust. Unfortunately, when you have horrible communication, trust becomes eroded. Things are said in anger intended to hurt because of the extreme frustration of not being heard, or because someone won’t hear what’s being said. There goes trust. All of this is related. The fourth component – holding grudges. This goes back up to passive-aggressive actions to withdraw affection or refuse to speak to your partner. This means you can never resolve anything. It’s a horrible vicious cycle. Fifth component – make your partner feel loved. That means none of the negative things above exist. Self-explanatory. I didn’t include ‘respect’ on my list, because inherently, if all (or any) of the things above are going wrong, then there is no respect. I would also mention the 5 love languages here. My two highest had equal scores: physical touch and quality time. I don’t think it’s imperative that two partners have the same love languages, but I do think that each should recognize the love language of the person they are married to, and make sure those needs are met. On both sides. That’s something I hadn’t really focused enough on in the past, but I will going forward. If you are in a LTR headed for marriage and you have any of the issues listed above and you have tried but you can’t resolve them, my recommendation would be to RUN. Because it doesn’t get better. Link to post Share on other sites
big dog Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 All the above... and lots of work. Link to post Share on other sites
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