Wooders Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Hi I have been with my wife for 8 years and married for 17 months. I have always had problems with confidence and being opening with her and find it hard to tell my true and feelings and what's happened with me in the past. Before we got together I was curious to try something with a bloke, knowing I am not get and bi. I choose not to tell her when we first got together due to falling in love with her so quickly and how much her family accepted me. She has been open and honest with me in the past told me everything and feel so bad I can't be like this with her and it killing me. For example in the bedroom she use to be so confident she has stuff she dress up in and use to try new things with pass partners. When we first got together she use to be like this with me but when it happens I did know what to do and use to clam up we still had sex. Also we would go into sex shops and she try's and get me to talk about stuff I like and would like to try but again I go all shy and clam up. About a month ago she found out about what's happened before we got together due to the bloke messaging me and me playing along saying I would meet again but I had no intentions of going through it and was going to message to say that when I got home from work. But before I could she confronted me about it. I know it was wrong of me to msg and pretend I was going to meet, but like I have told my wife it was never going to happen, but she going go on the evidence she has in front of her. She has said she wished she booked the day of and followed me to see for herself what would really happen. All I want to is be honest and open and build the trust back with my wife before its to late and I lose her, I have said to her everyone deserves a 2nd chance and she said yes but it more than experimenting with a man before hand. Can anyone please offer support or advise Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 She thinks that you are trying to cheat on her & based on your behavior, it looks like that is exactly what you are trying to do. You say you weren't going to do anything but you are on a slippery slope. Also if you didn't tell her you were Bi before you married, in essence you deceived her. There are certain things she can't compete with because she just doesn't' have the plumbing. If you are serious about saving your marriage, offer to go to counseling. If you want to mess around -- even talking to & flirting with -- people who aren't your spouse, just get a divorce. BTW, your post & your feelings little nothing to do with confidence & everything to do with you being conflicted about who you are & what you want. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I also wanted to say that I disagree that everyone deserves a second chance. No one deserves a second chance. You may be granted one but there is no requirement to do so. So she is under no obligation to do so for you. And look at the facts, you haven't been truly honest with her, you have painted an incomplete picture of who you are, you messaged with a past partner, you wrote you were going to met up (which makes no sense why you would say that and then say you never planned to do so. You at least had some desire to do so even if just in fantasy), you have no understanding on WHY you can't be open and honest with her, etc. So looking at it from her point of view, how much faith can she have at this point that you are actually sincere and won't do this again or worse? You want to show you are worthy of a second chance, jump immediately into individual counseling, answer any questions she may have, and be as transparent as possible. Then she can decide if you are worth continuing to invest in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 You have deceived your wife and she is right to distrust you. I don't believe that you weren't seriously entertaining the idea of hooking up with this guy. If you had no intentions of meeting up with him then why play like you were going to? That sounds rather unkind to me. You need to reflect on how you treat people by playing games and hiding your true self. I would recommend intensive counselling to help you figure out who you are and what life you want to have. Just because you love your wife doesn't mean that marriage to her is your path. Don't just play a part to appease your wife and get her trust back, decide to live as the authentic you even if that means you have to let your wife go. If you don't have children then definitely make any babies until you get this sorted out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 About a month ago she found out about what's happened before we got together due to the bloke messaging me and me playing along saying I would meet again but I had no intentions of going through it and was going to message to say that when I got home from work. But before I could she confronted me about it. I know it was wrong of me to msg and pretend I was going to meet, but like I have told my wife it was never going to happen, but she going go on the evidence she has in front of her. She has said she wished she booked the day of and followed me to see for herself what would really happen. You seem to have left out the fact that, based on your thread in the Divorce forum, you did subsequently meet up and have sex with this "bloke". Your wife had every right to be be concerned - and then some... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wooders Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 (edited) You want to show you are worthy of a second chance, jump immediately into individual counseling, answer any questions she may have, and be as transparent as possible. Then she can decide if you are worth continuing to invest in I have started counseling which I find very helpful its teaching how to open with people and they have highlighted when the problem stemmed from so I can now move forward. I have always told my wife since she found out that I will answer any questions she had truthfully and honestly. All I want is to make her happy. I know in myself that this is never going to happen again, because I can not put her through this pain and hurt again. Edited November 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 You seem to have left out the fact that, based on your thread in the Divorce forum, you did subsequently meet up and have sex with this "bloke". Your wife had every right to be be concerned - and then some... Mr. Lucky So OP does your wife know about the meet up for oral sex while she was away? By reading this thread it looks like she only knows about the txt messaging. If you are being truthful about being honest and open then you better tell her everything. If you are still hiding the whole truth then you are wasting her time and you may as well get divorced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wooders Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 Yes she dose know the whole truth now I have been completely honest with her. She said the cheating she is is not the problem, it's how I can't be open and honest with her about things and how I am not confident with certain things as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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