MissCongeniality Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 So I quite my job today I couldn't take my abusive boss anymore. Now this just happened so I haven't exactly told him I also plan on telling him all the carp I've been hiding. I just can't take it anymore all the lies I tell him are just to much now. I need advice on how I can break the truth to him gently. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyed BlackCat Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 Send a text. Just kidding! If it were me, I would do something out of the ordinary to make him feel really good. Maybe fix him his favorite fancy dinner and give him a really good massage. If you have kids,maybe have them stay with a relative for the evening so it can be just the two of you. Just make sure he's not tired and he's in a good mood. Don't wait too long to tell him and be open about the abuse. I think he will be supportive and wouldn't want you working in a place like that. Best of luck with your talk and finding a better job! Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 Can you provide some additional detail....to what extent was your former boss abusive.....you mentioned all the lies....were these lies to you from the boss or lies to your partner and if the later, what were they referencing? also, do you have concerns about retribution from him....? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissCongeniality Posted November 14, 2015 Author Share Posted November 14, 2015 Can you provide some additional detail....to what extent was your former boss abusive.....you mentioned all the lies....were these lies to you from the boss or lies to your partner and if the later, what were they referencing? also, do you have concerns about retribution from him....? Long story short I may not have married him out of love though I did grow to love him over time. I also moon light as a dominatrix without him knowing. And I've lied to him about my past. My boss at my day job is or was psycho demanding and worked me like a dog. I've explained it in full detail in my previous posts. I'm just tired of lying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 So I quite my job today I couldn't take my abusive boss anymore. Now this just happened so I haven't exactly told him I also plan on telling him all the carp I've been hiding. I just can't take it anymore all the lies I tell him are just to much now. I need advice on how I can break the truth to him gently. If you've got kids, make arrangements for an sleepover at someone else's place. If you're both confessing to quitting your day job AND telling him about your online dominatrix job (I'm only guessing he doesn't know), the kids need to be away for a while. I'd avoid the manipulative set-up of a fancy dinner and a massage. Be prepared to be fully honest. And be prepared with a plan that helps him feel he can trust you again. Be contrite and willing to do what it takes to keep your marriage both intact and an improvement from where it is today. Give him good reasons to stay. If you're not in individual counseling, I'd get signed up for it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 (edited) I can't remember all the details specifically, but I have read a couple of your other threads and you have a lot of deep issues and serious baggage going on. My recommendation is not to disclose anything by the seat of your pants on your own but rather go into some serious individual counseling and work through this stuff with your counselor and follow your counselors directions in regards to disclosure. It can even be of benefit to disclose with the counselor present to mediate the discussions. IMHO disclosing some of things taking place here on your own would be like someone trying to do their own heart surgery. Some things are best left to trained and experienced professionals to decide the best course of action. Edited November 14, 2015 by oldshirt 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 I can't remember all the details specifically, but I have read a couple of your other threads and you have a lot of deep issues and serious baggage going on. My recommendation is not to disclose anything by the seat of your pants on your own but rather go into some serious individual counseling and work through this stuff with your counselor and follow your counselors directions in regards to disclosure. It can even be of benefit to disclose with the counselor present to mediate the discussions. IMHO disclosing some of things taking place here on your own would be like someone trying to do their own heart surgery. Some things are best left to trained and experienced professionals to decide the best course of action. Yeah, this is probably wiser than what I said. Some professional help navigating this would probably be wise. For what it's worth, I commend your desire to be honest with your husband. You get some props from me for that. A voluntary confession also goes a long way in these situations vs a discovery on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Long story short I may not have married him out of love though I did grow to love him over time. I also moon light as a dominatrix without him knowing. And I've lied to him about my past. Having read your other threads, quitting your job is small potatoes in terms of the disclosures. Agree with what's been said, the "date night" setting smacks of further avoidance. Therapy is a good idea, if for no other reason than to understand the choices that got you here today... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissCongeniality Posted November 15, 2015 Author Share Posted November 15, 2015 Having read your other threads, quitting your job is small potatoes in terms of the disclosures. Agree with what's been said, the "date night" setting smacks of further avoidance. Therapy is a good idea, if for no other reason than to understand the choices that got you here today... Mr. Lucky Thank you just letting everyone know I mentioned that I lost my day job. I admit he wasn't happy but understood. I told him I wanted to start seeing a therapist which he thought was odd. He asked me if I thought I'd be able to find another job and I told him I had something. I didn't exactly go into details. I just feel like I keep piling up lies and I am sick of it but if I tell him the complete truth he might throw me out that's my nightmare him throwing me out and taking the kids away. I mean he's a nice guy and sweet but finding out could send him over the edge. Hopefully as others have said a therapist/councilor can help. I'm not saying I think it will all work out but better than not doing anything. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 MissC I truly feel for you even in the midst of the situation you've created.... I guess my suggestion is you're doing the right thing in seeing a T on this but I would also suggest taking steps to being honest with your partner, ( I don't remember if it is a M or not but the R is important to you). The T will be able to help you with this and should be done in the T's office. I have always felt that a true R can not be had when there are lies on either side. You are fearful in your Partners reaction....I am aware that in many Dom roles, there is no actual sex....is this your case or is there actual sex with the subs? This is most likely to have a dramatic influence on the conversation...some might feel that if there's no sex it's not as bad etc. I still encourage you to at some point set a goal to be honest in your relationships or this will repeat itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I am aware that in many Dom roles, there is no actual sex....is this your case or is there actual sex with the subs? This is most likely to have a dramatic influence on the conversation...some might feel that if there's no sex it's not as bad etc. In my naivete never thought of this angle, that the OP might be sexually involved with clients. I'd guess that disclosure would end the vast majority of relationships. MissCongeniality, is there a BDSM aspect to your marriage? Or will your participation in that lifestyle be a complete surprise to your spouse? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissCongeniality Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 (edited) In my naivete never thought of this angle, that the OP might be sexually involved with clients. I'd guess that disclosure would end the vast majority of relationships. MissCongeniality, is there a BDSM aspect to your marriage? Or will your participation in that lifestyle be a complete surprise to your spouse? Mr. Lucky No there isn't, nobody knows this side of me even exists on the 'vanilla' half of things and nobody on the BDSM side of my life even knows I'm married with kids. My husband is very vanilla it's odd but I'd probably be unable to hurt him which I don't understand because I get off on inflicting pain yet my spouse someone I should be able to be completely honest with about this kind of thing is the one person I can't hurt. No I am not sexually involved with my clients that's a hard limit and if asked for sex I kick a client to the curb. Though I wont deny that being a Dominatrix is in some ways walking a fine line. I know some will disagree but I've often looked at it all like this a prostitute full fills fantasies, a dominatrix full fills fantasies, a porn star fulfills fantasies, a stripper fulfills fantasies. These things have minor differences but ultimately are about the same thing fantasy. In my mind I feel so long as I don't cross that line I wont be a cheater, or prostitute. I get that with what I might have just typed this sounds off but in my mind so long as I'm not sleeping around I wont wreck things though I'm starting to think I've just been fooling myself. I can't explain but I have this compulsive need to be 'idolized' I guess that's the right word. It's like if I'm not doing this if I'm not being 'worshipped' my self esteem just drops. It's like I have two voices in my head not actual voices or anything but well I'm sure you get the idea one says "Your a slut, a terrible mother, your husband should beat the crap out of you and throw your ass out. You don't deserve to be happy." and another that says "You deserve to be happy. They don't appreciate what you do. Your husband is spineless and doesn't even bother doing the hard work. Those spoiled brats should respect you and do as you say." I mean my husband doesn't hurt me in any way but part of me wants him to like that would make up for it some how. I sometimes wish he wasn't such a good man because that would make it all so much easier. He's always the one spoiling the kids I'm always the one that has to be 'bad cop' and has to be stern and strict with them because he's ALWAYS soft on them. He's always letting them get away with stuff. Mean while I get called 'Ice Queen' because I get stuck with the dirty work and if I try saying something he'll be like "Okay we'll talk about this later." Yet we never do. Edited November 16, 2015 by MissCongeniality Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 The real question isn't "should you tell him?", it's "can you go any longer without telling him?". Letting events force your hand can lead to some unpredictable - and disastrous - results... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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