Married men made to feel guilty about flirting while married women get to enjoy it

[MightyPen]

Stay with me here...

 

I've always felt that married/taken guys are denied the "rush" of flirting with other women whereas married women can get the ego boost from guys without feeling guilty. Why?

 

Because most times (not always) the man is expected to initiate the approach/conversation with a woman. So basically, as a married guy, if I told the people on these forums that I hit on some young married mom at the Kroger check out, I think people would criticize my behavior even though I was just trying to have a little fun and get a brief "rush" from flirting with a cute woman.

 

Now flip it around. The young married mom in the above example could have gotten a "rush" from my flirting but she doesn't have to feel guilty, and probably wouldn't be made to feel guilty from others, because she can always say, "A married guy hit on me. He was nice, and I didn't want to be mean, so we talked for a few minutes but that was it." Would anyone criticize her for doing that?

 

Let's face it...we all need a little ego boost once in a while. It can be entirely harmless to your relationship, but it can put a skip in your step for the rest of the day.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[xxoo]

There's a difference between a married person "hitting on" other people, vs. getting an ego boost from being "hit on".

 

I'm a married woman. I don't hit on people. Occasionally, I do get hit on, and that can be a rush! My next sentence is going to include two important word, "My husband..." Flirtation over.

 

Speaking of my husband, he also gets hit on and may enjoy the ego boost His next sentence includes the words, "My wife...." Flirtation over.

 

In mixed company, among people we know well, playful flirtation goes both ways and is fine.

[MightyPen]

There's a difference between a married person "hitting on" other people, vs. getting an ego boost from being "hit on".

 

Maybe. But married women undoubtedly get more of the "being hit on" attention. So you ladies get your egos stroked whether you want it or not. That's not necessarily the same for guys. We might have to do a little approaching to get our egos stroked. You see my point, right? I mean, it's 2015 and we're all about fairness and equality.

 

And what would your first sentence be in the flirting situation? You said the "next" sentence would start with "My husband..." but that implies you'd have a first sentence.

 

Curious minds and all...

[Mrs. John Adams]

Maybe because i have crossed the line of innocent flirting...because i almost lost everything important to me....I am going to comment here in hopes that my "wisdom" will keep someone else from making the terrible choice i made.

 

Flirting is a completely normal thing to do...and some of us are better at it than others.....and some of us also recognize it much better than others.

 

I am a flirt.....but i don't MEAN to flirt....I see it as being friendly.....and the issue becomes how my "friendliness" is received.

 

Someone was friendly to me....I was friendly back....

When did it become flirtatious? when did we cross the line and walk into danger?

 

My husband on the other hand...is not flirty....and i would not even call him friendly....he is quite shy. I was the one who asked him out....

 

I have seen other women flirt with him.....and when i point it out to him...he is in shock.

 

I learned a valuable lesson after my affair.....and so now some of the first words out of my mouth when i enter into a conversation is ...MY HUSBAND. It draws a clear line to the other man in the conversation. Now some men are experts and can continue to "push" or ignore my line and i retreat and end the conversation.

 

So in answer to the question you have asked here....I do not think that married men are made to feel guilty about flirting while married women enjoy it.

 

We all like to be made to feel that we are attractive...that we are desirable....that we are intelligent.....men and women alike.... and as our society changes....as women and men become more equal in the workplace....and in infidelity numbers......i certainly do not think flirting is more acceptable in one sex over the other.

 

A married person...male or female...needs to be very careful when engaging with a person of the opposite sex...to make lines clear...and to not step over them....because while you may have meant the conversation to be completely innocent...you have no control how the other person is receiving it.

 

I am a living example.

[xxoo]

Maybe. But married women undoubtedly get more of the "being hit on" attention. So you ladies get your egos stroked whether you want it or not. That's not necessarily the same for guys. We might have to do a little approaching to get our egos stroked. You see my point, right? I mean, it's 2015 and we're all about fairness and equality.

 

And what would your first sentence be in the flirting situation? You said the "next" sentence would start with "My husband..." but that implies you'd have a first sentence.

 

Curious minds and all...

 

First sentence might be "thank you!" if I were complimented. Or just friendly conversation before being hit on.

 

No, I don't see your point. Attractive men get looks and smiles of interst. Married people have no business hitting on others, or encouraging flirting. Don't be so needy!

[carhill]

OP, men have choices. We can choose to validate 'made to feel guilty' or not. IMO, do what you do and ignore other people's opinions. There's billions around and, yup, some are going to conflict. If you enjoy flirtation while in a relationship, do that. If your partner doesn't like it, OK, they don't. They're in a relationship voluntarily, as are you. If minds don't meet, delete.

[MightyPen]

OP, men have choices. We can choose to validate 'made to feel guilty' or not. IMO, do what you do and ignore other people's opinions. There's billions around and, yup, some are going to conflict. If you enjoy flirtation while in a relationship, do that. If your partner doesn't like it, OK, they don't. They're in a relationship voluntarily, as are you. If minds don't meet, delete.

 

 

Oh don't get me wrong, although I obviously consider input from others, I make my own decisions on how I live my life with minimal guilt. After all, many people are complete idiots. However, as this is an advice/opinion site, I am obviously interested in others' views as well, especially when they are well articulated and supported by logic.

 

 

I was just pointing out what I viewed objectively as a bit of a double standard.

[carhill]

It's perfectly normal and human to be hypocritical and have double standards and be completely subjective in any interaction. Once you accept that and practice it yourself, life gets easier. If your personal boundaries include flirting, innocently or not, while in a relationship, they do. If someone else disagrees, they do, even if they do it themselves. Their milieu is not binding upon yourself nor vice-versa. If they are your relationship partner, you either work out a compromise or move on or remain in the milieu sniping at each other. It's all choice.

[xxoo]

I was just pointing out what I viewed objectively as a bit of a double standard.

 

It's not a double standard. Married people initiating flirting and actively hitting on others is inappropriate for women and men.

 

You are saying it is unfair that you don't get hit on as much as a woman does, but that's not a double standard.

[stillafool]

When I was single my single gfs and I would get a kick out of our married gfs because whenever we all went out they were so flirtatious with men. They almost seemed starved for any attention from other men. We thought it was hilarious but sad. Now that I am married I make sure to monitor my behavior when around other men but lucky for me my husband is very attentive.

[Lois_Griffin]

Your argument is that basically men have to do the approaching or they don't get the 'high' from someone flirting with them like women always experience.

 

Unfortunately, that's not true.

 

I've known quite a few good looking men who get hit on all the time.

 

ALL the time.

 

I've seen it for YEARS with my brother (who is a real cutie) and I've seen it with good looking men I've worked with, and seen it with good looking men I've dated. They DO get approached.

 

I also know unattractive men that don't really get hit on at all.

 

So, if you're the one who has to do all the approaching just to flirt a little, it's not because women are making you come to them. They're not approaching you because they don't want to.

 

Sorry.

[xxoo]

Your argument is that basically men have to do the approaching or they don't get the 'high' from someone flirting with them like women always experience.

 

Unfortunately, that's not true.

 

I've known quite a few good looking men who get hit on all the time.

 

ALL the time.

 

I've seen it for YEARS with my brother (who is a real cutie) and I've seen it with good looking men I've worked with, and seen it with good looking men I've dated. They DO get approached.

 

I also know unattractive men that don't really get hit on at all.

 

So, if you're the one who has to do all the approaching just to flirt a little, it's not because women are making you come to them. They're not approaching you because they don't want to.

 

Sorry.

 

I agree. My husband gets hit on and flirted with regularly enough. He doesn't need to be hitting on women to make things "fair".

[dichotomy]

You seem to focus on two issues - giving vs getting, receiving vs initiating. Why are you focusing the MW getting and the MM initiating ?

 

Lets say a married man got flirted on by single or married woman. It has happened to me (rarely but happens). Well - I smile talk a little back and move on and enjoy the feeling of attention. If my wife witnessed this - she might give me a little punch in the arm... (and then I bet sex later) ..but I was not initiating. Now if she caught me initiating flirting with someone (or I caught her initiating) we would probably both be a little angry.

Edited October 31, 2015 by dichotomy

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously.

 

This sounds like such a whinge.

 

What I take from what you are saying is: I want to be able to flirt without feeling inappropriate or guilty. "And its women's fault because they get flirted with without feeling inappropriate or guilty. Women get EVERYTHING handed to them and I have to work to get my 'rush' from the opposite sex."

 

Did you ever think that hitting on a younger girl isn't a "rush" for them but actually quite embarrassing?

 

That was how I felt EVERY TIME a mid-age man pulled his "give me a rush" flirt tactic when I worked as a young cashier for four years.

 

I was there to ring in groceries to make a living for chrissakes!

[JohnAdams]

I do not pay much attention to if I am flirted with or not and really do not care to be flirted with by women. I know my wife has told me more than once that so and so was flirting with me. I think I was clueless because I really did not care and was not looking for it. I did unfortunately become more aware of flirting after my wife's affair and exploited it to have my own RA.

 

Thankfully, I once again could care less about being flirted with, though I now recognize it more readily. I have found as I have gotten older, I am actually flirted with more. I think it is more of a case that I am in a position of power and it is apparent that monetarily I am doing fine.

 

I also use "my wife" in a conversation as a defense mechanism. I also can feel myself smile when talking to a lady and hear her say "my husband". I think good for you.

 

I neither seek nor want the"rush" of flirting or being flirted with myself.

[Popsicle]

I think they all suck equally if they are either initiating or trying to repeatedly keep getting a rush from the same person who is not their spouse or new people.

[Popsicle]

And you're no less culpable if you're a married man and a woman has approached you first, if you are feeding into it. Same is true for married women.

[m4p]

Kinda sad if you get "ego boosts" by getting accosted by strangers. There must surely be better ways to validate oneself without crossing boundaries/inappropriate lines and generally being creepy. As contrary to your beliefs, not all women enjoy being hit on.

[frogs88]

This has more to do with how approachable you are - married or not. An inhibited woman will likely be the a similar side of the equation as opposed to an extrovert one. Some people just (unintentionally) trigger flirty behaviour.

[Lion Heart]

I do not pay much attention to if I am flirted with or not and really do not care to be flirted with by women. I know my wife has told me more than once that so and so was flirting with me. I think I was clueless because I really did not care and was not looking for it. I did unfortunately become more aware of flirting after my wife's affair and exploited it to have my own RA.

 

Thankfully, I once again could care less about being flirted with, though I now recognize it more readily. I have found as I have gotten older, I am actually flirted with more. I think it is more of a case that I am in a position of power and it is apparent that monetarily I am doing fine.

 

I also use "my wife" in a conversation as a defense mechanism. I also can feel myself smile when talking to a lady and hear her say "my husband". I think good for you.

 

I neither seek nor want the"rush" of flirting or being flirted with myself.

 

MightyPen

 

I'm a Married Woman. A very faithful married woman. M for 16 years this time! I see your attitude as dangerous and yes, very needy and possibly jealous or at least envious of the female sex. I hope it's not of your W though.

 

I'm serious when I say that being "hit on" is completely embarrassing and worse for me. I don't look for attention at all. Especially from the other sex!

 

I have been "hit on" and nowhere NEAR recognized it as such because I judge OPs actions by MY OWN intentions. I don't "flirt" at all. I speak with men all the time through my work and socially. I never compliment a man unless we are friends and it's never in a flirtatious manner. The moment I recognize a weird type interest from a man I recoil and possibly never have a conversation with them again. It's just YUK!

 

Gosh the things that men have done to try to pick me up is quite INSANE to be honest! I don't need, want or desire any man's attention ever. I just think "sleaze" if they continue AFTER I've made myself blatantly clear that I'm not interested. I certainly make it clear I'm M AND not interested. They're like annoying mosquitoes. Annoying.

 

The reason I say your attitude is dangerous is echoing Mrs Adams post. This "need" or "rush" (which is a shock and disgust reaction for me when I realize a man is flirting) can lead you into very mirky waters indeed. My WH witnessed countless times, men approaching me, hitting on me in FRONT of him, he's listened to how some men have admired me - yeah they've had conversations with him. And this was VERY bad for our M. He was jealous of the attention I got. I UNINTENTIONALLY evoked. And I had no idea he felt this way. After my D Day he said many angry things about this. One was "and why do YOU get ALL the attention!!!!" Well yelled it actually. WTF.

 

He** I even pretend I don't see my friends H when I go to the shops if they're not with my friend. I just ignore them. I've been called all sorts of names because I don't give the men hitting on me attention or more.

 

Next time you think of flirting with anyone while they're just going about their day or are at work as a cashier, consider this: they most probably don't want anything to do with you, ESPECIALLY if you're M.

 

The pervading attitude of some people (men and women but imho more men than women) is that the person was "asking for it". Oh yeah and no means no!

 

I'm figuring you think it's all "harmless" as I've also been told but you have NO IDEA what life experiences another person has had. A very close female relative of mine just disclosed she was gang raped as a young teenager and date raped (with a spiked drink) at 16. I am sickened because these boys (now men's) attitudes to girls (now women) is absolutely abhorrent. I hope you have sons with strong characters who don't NEED a rush. They'll need a father with a strong character to model appropriate behaviours. Better get to work!

 

No I'm not eluding to anything more than I've said. I don't waste time beating around the bush.

 

Lion Heart.

[GoodOnPaper]

OP,

 

Do you feel like you were short-changed in the flirting department when you were single? If so, I can completely empathize -- I've only been flirted with, in the traditional suggestive sense, once in my entire life, and in the course of dating her I learned that that was all manipulation. Is your wife being flirted with and you feel you are missing out? The need for this "rush" is what you should be talking through.

 

In the end, people are going to respect boundaries or not. Occasionally, when I'm out by myself and feel daring, I may test my small-talk initiating ability with a woman, but even though I've been married for 20+ years, I'm at such a learning-disability level when comes to flirting, my interactions don't even rise to the "chatting up" level, let along outright flirting.

 

My only second-hand experience from the married woman's perspective was this guy at my wife's work who was very good at being too forward but not quite forward enough for a "nice" woman to call him on it. Eventually, he tried it with someone who did take exception . . .

[ShatteredLady]

I think there's a HUGE difference between 'flirting' & 'hitting on'. If I'm at the garden center & a mans helping me & he says something a little flirty as I'm leaving & I laugh that's ok. If a man walks-up & HITS on me. I say I'm not interested & he continues it's not a 'rush' it's embarrassing & gross.

 

By the way, if you're a middle aged man & you're hitting on young ladies PLEASE don't lie to yourself thinking she's getting a 'rush' or ego-boost. As a student I did a number of temp jobs with my friends. We HATED having to deal with the "Gross old men" coming on to us.

 

I'm in my 40's now. I'm middle aged. Deep inside I feel just the way I did in my early 20's. I get it. We don't feel that different as we age. Believe me! When I was in my teens & 20's a 40 year old man was a "Gross OLD man" if he was hitting on me!! Perception is important guys.

 

What makes you think most women feel good about being flirted with or hit-on anyway?

[sandylee1]

I'd say I've been hit on more than my H, but I'm more friendly which attracts it a bit I'd say. I find friendly and flirty can often get a bit mixed up though.

 

I think I know what you're getting at.....but I honestly don't need to feel that rush.....my husband strokes me /my ego enough.

 

I think if a guy overtly flirts knowing you're a MW - that's disrespectful.

 

If another man complements me..then I'll say thanks. When they push it and ask for my number..then I just say.... no thanks I'm married or ....I don't think my husband would like that. It's even happened when I'm with my kids.

[Popsicle]

Even if a married person "wins" the competition with their spouse on who gets hit on more than the other by outsiders, it doesn't matter because it's not like either of you are going to leave your marriage. You don't win anything.

Edited November 2, 2015 by Popsicle

[wmacbride]

I get hit on and I don't feel any sort of "rush". I find it annoying. i don't give off any vibe that I am interested, and I let them know that i am married and not interested.