Marriage lacking in the intimacy dept. Any suggestions?

[Ali21]

Hi, my husband and I have been married almost a year and a half. We only dated for eight months before we "tied the knot" and since then, our sex life has already greatly decreased. When we were dating, we could hardly keep our hands off each other and while I still feel that way, I feel like he has kind of stopped caring. I always pictured my wedding night as hardly making it in the door before we had our clothes off but even on our wedding night, I put on the sexiest little dress I had and he still hardly looked at me until much later till I basically had to plead for it. I walk around the house naked and he hardly looks at me and when I ask him if he wants to do it he either makes an excuse why he doesn't want to or schedules it for a later date. He never is the one to initiate it and I feel like when we do finally do it, he is just caving into my will rather than doing it because he really wants it. We have sex a couple times a week on average but it is always the same, bang it out real quick so he gets his release and then leave me there having to finish myself. Then it's back to him sitting on the damn computer on facebook or playing games. I try to be spontaneous and initiate it at unexpected times but most of the time all I get is, "I need to eat first" (then after he eats it's "I'm too full") or "I have a headache" or "But I'm all gross and need a shower" or after the shower "But we just showered". Yes we shower together but it's become so routine now that we've never had sex in the shower. I'm at a loss as what to do. I know he has a porn addiction that he confesses to when I ask and is working on. Could that be the problem? Also, there is an age gap between us. I'm 21 and he is 30. Could that be the problem? Before me, he slept around a lot and even paid women for sex. Now that it's free, it seems he doesn't even want it. I've always been insecure so having to basically guilt him into sex makes me feel undesireable and unwanted. When we're out in public, he likes to grab at me or slap my ass but then when we get home, his computer, book or tv becomes more interesting to him. I don't want to keep pushing myself on him because I don't want him to feel like I'm being too clingy but I'm just at a loss here. Anyone have any suggestions? I just want to feel wanted by my husband. Is that too much to ask?

[Mr. Lucky]

I know he has a porn addiction that he confesses to when I ask and is working on. Could that be the problem?

 

I'd guess he's emptying the tank on his own because (in his mind) it's easier.

 

I just want to feel wanted by my husband. Is that too much to ask?

 

You've laid it out pretty clearly here, have you had the same conversation with him? Counseling might give you both a safe opportunity to express yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ali21]

I have tried talking to him about it but so far it doesn't seem to help. We have seen a counselor about other things but not specifically for our sex life. Thank you, maybe I'll bring it up in our next session. Its just rather hard for me to talk about.

[kilgore]

I have tried talking to him about it but so far it doesn't seem to help. We have seen a counselor about other things but not specifically for our sex life. Thank you, maybe I'll bring it up in our next session. Its just rather hard for me to talk about.

 

Of course it is but you must. But maybe ding blindside him in the session. Prepare him beforehand

[casey.lives]

..guys need foreplay too!!!

... the brain is the most powerful sex organ!!!

[oldshirt]

Multiple issues going on here -

 

 

- one is this guy is a jerk that has an unhealthy attitude towards women and is sexually dysfunctional to begin with.

Women are just sperm recepticles to him as evidenced by the hookers and string of ONS's and short term relationships. The reason he married a 21 year old is not because you are younger and firmer and cuter, but rather because mature, experienced women his own age could see that he is damaged goods and wouldn't have him. He needed to find someone young and inexperienced enough that he could bamboozle and manipulate.

 

 

- he has a porn addiction. and how exactly is he "working on it"????

he is keeping his tank dry with the porn so there isn't really anything left over for you. with porn he doesn't have to be nice to it or talk to it or romance it or seduce it or give it foreplay or make sure it is satisfied with it or cuddle it and make it feel respected or appreciated.

 

 

-he doesn't have a healthy respect and appreciation for you as a life-partner and is insensitive to your wants and needs.

 

 

- I think you were just sold a bad bill of goods here. I think you should just pack your bags and hit the road and not look back. I think you simply made a mistake in marrying the wrong person. He came off charming and dashing and loving until the papers were signed and the ring was on your finger and now you are seeing his true colors. you were duped by older and more experienced player.

 

 

But since the conventional wisdom here is to recommend counseling before ejection handle, but keep in mind what counseling does is help people communicate their needs and boundaries more effectively. It does not change people's core character. It does not turn a snake into a dog or a rat into a kitten.

 

 

Whatever you, DONT GET PREGNANT! and don't enter into any serious financial commitments like buying a house or cosigning any loans or buying any cars in both of your names or anything.

 

 

You need to be able to walk away from this as quickly and cleanly and efficiently as possible some day really soon. Don't do anything that is going to complicate that or cost you more than it should.

[oldshirt]

 

 

You need to be able to walk away from this as quickly and cleanly and efficiently as possible some day really soon. Don't do anything that is going to complicate that or cost you more than it should.

 

 

 

Now this may seem counterintuitive and counterproductive if your current goal is to improve and save your marriage, but it is actually the best thing you can do.

 

 

If you are dependent on him to bring home food for the babies and keep the roof over your heads, you have no negotiation leverage and no power. The only thing that will give you any leverage is the ability to walk away if things aren't right.

 

 

Always have the ability to walk away. That means don't get pregnant. Don't enter into joint financial or property ventures. Always be gainfully employed and always be employable and keep your own separate accounts and have back up plans.

 

 

You are going to be getting divorced shortly. You need to be laying the ground work for that so that you can leave as quickly, cheaply and smoothly as possible.

[Lois_Griffin]

I agree with the other poster who said the guy is a emotionally stunted and that's why he went after a 21 year old instead of a woman his own age. Most women at 30 know damaged goods when they see it and avoid it like the plague.

 

Stop begging for sex from this selfish pig who doesn't even CARE enough about your pleasure. What a lazy, selfish pig this guy is.

 

And I also want to repeat - DON'T GET PREGNANT. That would be the most foolish thing you could POSSIBLY do, tethering yourself for life to this guy. Ugh.

 

If you're smart, you'll be at your lawyer's office in the morning. This guy is a selfish assclown who has NO respect for you whatsoever.

 

I can guarantee you that you wont be married to this guy by the time you're 30 - whether you go to your lawyer's office tomorrow or not. Guarantee it.

[oldshirt]

 

 

Most women at 30 know damaged goods when they see it and avoid it like the plague.

 

 

I can guarantee you that you wont be married to this guy by the time you're 30 . Guarantee it.

 

 

 

Yep.

 

 

You are young and naïve now.

 

 

In a few short years you will be very learned and wise and be able to spot asshats like this a mile away and warn your sisters away from them as well.

 

 

Just don't make the life-long mistake of getting pregnant and getting yoked to him.

 

 

Start making your exit plans and strategy now while you are still able.

[Vercetti]

I always got ticked growing up how men being worthless in bed was a running joke...only the older get the more truth see behind the jokes. Has a real live women / wife can do anything with...get her off a million ways.....but is on Facebook or some game.

 

Anyhow it's not his age , I'm older. It's not has nothing left after porn ( should just have more endurance e and hunger for the real thing, or new ideas of things to try).

 

Like others have said selfish. Just things I've seen, I would wonder..If not doing things with you then who is he doing them with. For me, I can't see porn, social networks, and games replacing sex.7

[Clockwatching]

Hi Ali,

 

You're not alone - some of my friends have experienced this too. If you've tried to talk to him about it, definitely bring it up in counselling - he may be more inclined to listen where there's an objective person sat with you.

 

If he's not willing to work on it you unfortunately can't make him, as sad as it is. It will then be up to you whether or not it's a storm you can weather, or whether you think that this will be the way your marriage will be in which case you'll have a decision to make.

 

I hope bringing it up in counselling may make him re-evaluate, and if it doesn't I hope you find what you're looking for in a man who's more willing to be open and vulnerable with you.

 

FWIW the age isn't the issue - if he's lost his libido you could explore whether there are medical reasons for this, but age in and of itself isn't a reason.

[Ali21]

Casey.Lives: Believe me, I've tried everything I can think of in the area of foreplay but most of the time he just starts laughing saying I'm tickling him or licks the side of my face which he knows I hate. Anything he can think or really to kill the mood.

[Ali21]

Multiple issues going on here -

 

 

- one is this guy is a jerk that has an unhealthy attitude towards women and is sexually dysfunctional to begin with.

Women are just sperm recepticles to him as evidenced by the hookers and string of ONS's and short term relationships. The reason he married a 21 year old is not because you are younger and firmer and cuter, but rather because mature, experienced women his own age could see that he is damaged goods and wouldn't have him. He needed to find someone young and inexperienced enough that he could bamboozle and manipulate.

 

 

- he has a porn addiction. and how exactly is he "working on it"????

he is keeping his tank dry with the porn so there isn't really anything left over for you. with porn he doesn't have to be nice to it or talk to it or romance it or seduce it or give it foreplay or make sure it is satisfied with it or cuddle it and make it feel respected or appreciated.

 

 

-he doesn't have a healthy respect and appreciation for you as a life-partner and is insensitive to your wants and needs.

 

 

- I think you were just sold a bad bill of goods here. I think you should just pack your bags and hit the road and not look back. I think you simply made a mistake in marrying the wrong person. He came off charming and dashing and loving until the papers were signed and the ring was on your finger and now you are seeing his true colors. you were duped by older and more experienced player.

 

 

But since the conventional wisdom here is to recommend counseling before ejection handle, but keep in mind what counseling does is help people communicate their needs and boundaries more effectively. It does not change people's core character. It does not turn a snake into a dog or a rat into a kitten.

 

 

Whatever you, DONT GET PREGNANT! and don't enter into any serious financial commitments like buying a house or cosigning any loans or buying any cars in both of your names or anything.

 

 

You need to be able to walk away from this as quickly and cleanly and efficiently as possible some day really soon. Don't do anything that is going to complicate that or cost you more than it should.

OldShirt: I appreciate you opinion and and the opinions of everyone else here. However, the majority of what you said angered me. One, just because I am 21 does NOT mean I am naive. I have been through enough **** in my life that I know how the world works and I know how to spot bad or "damaged goods". Two, the way in which he is working on the porn is that he is trying not to look at it. I've been checking up on him and holding him accountable and he is doing well.

[Ali21]

OldShirt: I appreciate you opinion and and the opinions of everyone else here. However, the majority of what you said angered me. One, just because I am 21 does NOT mean I am naive. I have been through enough **** in my life that I know how the world works and I know how to spot bad or "damaged goods". Two, the way in which he is working on the porn is that he is trying not to look at it. I've been checking up on him and holding him accountable and he is doing well.

Accidentally hit enter before I was finished... My husband is A GOOD MAN. He was in the army and served our country for 8 years. I did not start this thread for people to bash on him and say he's a terrible person. Quite frankly, you do not know him so making assumptions on his character based simply on a few details of our sex life is hardly what I would call credible.

[Ali21]

I agree with the other poster who said the guy is a emotionally stunted and that's why he went after a 21 year old instead of a woman his own age. Most women at 30 know damaged goods when they see it and avoid it like the plague.

 

Stop begging for sex from this selfish pig who doesn't even CARE enough about your pleasure. What a lazy, selfish pig this guy is.

 

And I also want to repeat - DON'T GET PREGNANT. That would be the most foolish thing you could POSSIBLY do, tethering yourself for life to this guy. Ugh.

 

If you're smart, you'll be at your lawyer's office in the morning. This guy is a selfish assclown who has NO respect for you whatsoever.

 

I can guarantee you that you wont be married to this guy by the time you're 30 - whether you go to your lawyer's office tomorrow or not. Guarantee it.

Maybe he does have some emotional issues but then again, we all have problems. I'm looking for suggestions on how we can make things better. Not pack up and leave the moment things get complicated. I meant it when I said "for better or worse".

[stillafool]

There's only one thing left to do now and that's to pull WAAAAAY back. Don't initiate sex or talk about sex with him. You have to become unavailable to him sexually in order to reignite his drive for you. You have to make him wonder why you are no longer interested then he will become interested. I'm so sorry to tell you to "play games" with your husband but do this for a month straight and come back here and ask me how to keep your husbands hands off of you.

[d0nnivain]

Read up on PTSD. It manifests in a lot of ways & one of them can be lack of intimacy, decreased interest in sex. It's like the person is closed off from becoming close to someone again because of everything they have seen.

 

You have said you tried foreplay & that doesn't work. Sometimes it's timing. My husband had a few issues. He got the pills. For a while foreplay was me opening the medicine cabinet & putting the pills on his keyboard.

 

But then I decided to let nature work in my favor. Try jumping him in the morning before you get out of bed . . .literally wake him up by teasing him away with your hands. Parts of him should respond even before he's full conscious & then see where that leads. Obviously you can't do this on a morning when you are in a rush to get to work.

 

Another technique includes following him into the shower. . . Even if you don't get sex you may still get some good naked groping.

[Ali21]

There's only one thing left to do now and that's to pull WAAAAAY back. Don't initiate sex or talk about sex with him. You have to become unavailable to him sexually in order to reignite his drive for you. You have to make him wonder why you are no longer interested then he will become interested. I'm so sorry to tell you to "play games" with your husband but do this for a month straight and come back here and ask me how to keep your husbands hands off of you.

Thank you, I'll have to try that

[d0nnivain]

I suspect pulling back will make this worse. That works with a man who cares about sex & will notice it's absence from his life which is not OPs DH

[Ali21]

Read up on PTSD. It manifests in a lot of ways & one of them can be lack of intimacy, decreased interest in sex. It's like the person is closed off from becoming close to someone again because of everything they have seen.

 

You have said you tried foreplay & that doesn't work. Sometimes it's timing. My husband had a few issues. He got the pills. For a while foreplay was me opening the medicine cabinet & putting the pills on his keyboard.

 

But then I decided to let nature work in my favor. Try jumping him in the morning before you get out of bed . . .literally wake him up by teasing him away with your hands. Parts of him should respond even before he's full conscious & then see where that leads. Obviously you can't do this on a morning when you are in a rush to get to work.

 

Another technique includes following him into the shower. . . Even if you don't get sex you may still get some good naked groping.

Thank you for your positive suggestions. I have PTSD as well so I have a pretty good idea on how it can affect people. You have a good point, that could potentially be the problem or at least part of it. As far as trying to jump him in the morning, I've tried that but he always pushes me away because he has to pee lol and I shower with him every day anyways so that is kind of old news at this point.

[Ali21]

I suspect pulling back will make this worse. That works with a man who cares about sex & will notice it's absence from his life which is not OPs DH

You have a point here as well :/

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you for your positive suggestions. I have PTSD as well so I have a pretty good idea on how it can affect people.

 

All the more reason to get help specifically related to the sexual problems in your marriage. Success in this department requires trust and vulnerability, difficult in your situation. Doesn't look like things will change on their own...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Diezel]

Unless he is 100% willing and motivated to go get counseling of some sort, you might want to consider divorce.

[SSJROMANCE]

If he is watching porn and getting off then it's a good bet that this satisfaction is enough for him without more sex from you. Think about it if all you had was sex 2 times a week and he is now jacking off 2 or more times a week from porn he has nothing left for you. Now go cut of his porn or compromise with him.

[RecentChange]

PTSD is not the same for every person.... not by a long shot.

 

It sounds like you both need counseling. He has a porn addiction - yet doesn't want sex with his wife. That is a PROBLEM. He is an addict - addiction is usually a symptom of something else - other issues that aren't being dealt with.

 

And you say you have PTSD as well - I wonder how you worked through that, where you are in our recovery, how it manifested etc.

 

Both of you may be suffering from "Stress Disorders" - I think that calls for a professional.

 

I don't think there is anything YOU can do to "fix" this - other than encourage counseling. You can pour your heart out, and he will probably feel bad for making you feel unwanted - but I don't think that is magically make him rediscover his sex drive - he has a mental hang up for some reason - and parading around the house naked isn't going to make a difference.