scottishfold Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 My bf and I have been dating for just a little over three years. I'm turning 30 soon, and he's 31. I work full time and in the process of graduating from school (got my BA degree 6 years ago but wanted to go back for something more), and he will be starting a new job in a couple of weeks. The relationship has been great, no fights, and see each other 4 nights a week. He's awesome, grounded, financially stable, mature, funny, and supportive. There's really nothing I can think of I could say poorly of him. He comes from a loving family, and he treats his parents very well. I'm lucky to have him. Now I have an issue though that's come up after these three years that has been on my mind. I've been renting my apartment for 5 years, which I absolutely love. I enjoy living on my own, the privacy, comfort, and it's in walking distance to my current job. Throughout our relationship, he has always been the one to say things like "when we get our own place..." and always speaking about living together. I said it would be nice too but never gave it too much thought since I didn't see it happening anytime soon. Now that he's got this new job, he's planning on buying his first home. When he started talking about the house, he would say like "we can go half in on it and get a bigger place," but he knows I don't have enough money on a down payment, but my current income is just fine. But, more importantly, I told him that I wouldn't live with someone unless we were engaged or married. I told him that buying a place is a huge commitment, and that I enjoy living on my own, but that I would love to live with him if we went that way. I asked him if that was something he saw, because if I remember a year ago when I brought it up once, he said that he would like to live with someone first before doing that. I told him I wasn't interested in a test drive, but that was then. I asked him last month if he saw us getting engaged, and he said that he did. I even asked if he was sure since a while back he said he'd rather live together first. He said he didn't feel that way anymore about having to live together first. Great! Well, since that conversation a month ago, he hasn't brought it up. I've never been one to push anything or nag someone. I figured if he was serious about that, he would act on it, meaning, we would talk about getting a place together, etc. He knows I'm not interested in a wedding or anything like that, so it's not about that. Lately he's been saying "I got to find a place soon." But nothing of "we," and it's been kind of annoying me. I am wondering if ever since I reinforced last month that I would not live with someone unless I was engaged/married had an effect on him not talking about getting a place together since then. He is free to do as he wants, but if he was planning on buying a house and possibly getting engaged in the near future, why would he not consider me in on the purchase? I'm sure he will show me the places he'd be interested in before he buys it, but so far nothing of anything further than that. He hasn't started his job yet. I'm just not sure how to bring it up. When I brought it up a month ago, I told him I'd like to talk about it seriously one day, and he agreed. He's very good with his money so I know it's not a financial issue. He makes six figures. I have some savings, but nothing even close to that. It's possible that he can get his own place now, sell it, and get a place together in the future, but that's a big "if." I mean, we've been together for three years, so what's the hesitation, if there is any. Meaning, what could be going through his mind? He's not one for surprises, so I know there's no surprise engagement or anything like that lol He's very logical and not one to make any rash decisions. I know I should just ask him, so I'm curious to know how I should approach it without sounding like an ultimatum. Timeline-wise, I would say he will be moving in the next 2-4 months. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 After 3 years and if you are considering marrying this guy, your communication skills need to be better with eachother. I'm thinking you likely want a family, to make a home but you have no direction. And your afraid to approach the one you love and hes also not giving you reassurance or answers you seek so its time to ask directly, are we planning to get married and buy a home? If you get red flags or not ready, Id begin to move on and initiate breakup because 3 years is too long to have no forward direction. Imo you should be head over heels and with joint goals and planning your future TOGETHER. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I agree that since you have been together stably for 3 years you should be able to discuss this with him. Plan a nice dinner at your place & just open the subject. Ask about his vision for your future as a couple. Don't express too many opinions unless he asks. Listen to what he wants. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Plan a nice dinner at your place & just open the subject. Ask about his vision for your future as a couple. Don't express too many opinions unless he asks. Listen to what he wants. Agreed but I'd make that conversation one and done. Unless he's deaf and blind, he knows you're interested in marriage in general and to him in particular - the ball is in his court. If he fails to take the obvious step, it's a pretty clear sign he doesn't feel the same way about either you or matrimony. scottishfold, you may have to start thinking about what you'll do if he doesn't step up. Plenty of posts on here from women who waited 10 years for something that didn't happen... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I dont want to sound glum or raise anxiety but your gut and these questions your having are the early answers and are tell tale imo that the two of you aren't heading in the right direction. You should fully be headed toward a clear path. Him being vague 3 years in is not positive. Your standards and values dont align with his and how he sees you proceeding. He's likely in favor of moving in and may not consider it a test drive. You need to say clearly what you want for your future with him you are being vague too. This is your life and future. Be clear and without fear with your heart, openly communicating with the one you love. Let him know how you feel amd express you would like and need him to do the same. Too many people get married assuming the communication will work itself out or get better. It stays the same and gets worse often. Open your heart now and fix that. 3 years is a long time to not know exactly where you stand and where your going. Be honest...if there's red flags...love isn't enough to conquer them. Transparency is and bonding with real talk and without fear. Look closer. Is he REALLY the one. Talk to eachother...look at actions. This is crucial now. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 so.... One month ago you had that conversation. He said he was in agreement about engagement. Even a very practice man knows that most women would like a proposal & ring. That takes more than a month to plan properly. I know I'm a hapless romantic. I like to think that he's like my husband.... We had a similar conversation & I waited & waited & waited. It turned out he'd ordered the ring & was waiting for a meaningful day to propose! Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Offering a little bit of a different spin than the other posters: You two talked in the past about living together. But his decision to buy a house is sort of forcing things to a more intense level that neither of you sound particularly comfortable with. In fact, it ALMOST sounds like you're using this "I don't want to get in on this house unless we're engaged" reasoning as a way to almost scare him off. You seem to realize he's not really ready for that, so it's like a game of chicken. You're pinning this big decision all on him. I wondering if an alternate scenario is available. To me, it sounds like it might make sense for you two to actually give co-habitation a try as you originally intended and talked about -- but WITHOUT the balls and chains of a home purchase. Could you two consider pushing this home purchase a couple years down the line? It might make sense to just rent an apartment together for now, live together as a couple and see how that goes, and then actually buy a house together when you're both fully on board with that plan. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 It might make sense to just rent an apartment together for now, live together as a couple and see how that goes, and then actually buy a house together when you're both fully on board with that plan. The OP was pretty clear on this: But, more importantly, I told him that I wouldn't live with someone unless we were engaged or married. Sounds like it's more a question of beliefs than logistics. And the truth is, many women interested in marriage find shacking up to be counterproductive. The "why buy the cow..." theory. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Why are you absolutely so opposed to living with someone before you get married?! That seems like the exact opposite of what someone would want to do. Typically two people will move in and love together at least for a few months before getting engaged or married... What if seeing one another every day makes one of you realize you don't want that for the rest of your life? What if one of you has a habit that the other can't stand? What if his family comes by unannounced and you're not ok with that? The list goes onnn and onnn..... I'm assuming that you do see yourself marrying this man by what you've said in your Op. Why won't you live with him then now? It's inevitable if you want to marry him.... You should be able to discuss these things with him at this point in your relationship. Money, future, kids, careers... Are all things that you shouldn't be afraid of hesitant to bring up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scottishfold Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Thank you for all the responses! To answer the question above, I truly enjoy living alone. My alone time is very important to me, so I would not live with a roommate again or someone just out of convenience to save money, etc. There's nothing like getting home from work, walking around naked with your gut hanging out lol jk but on a serious note, it would take a commitment for me to move in with someone and play house. So last night we were driving to get takeout for dinner, and he brought up having to looking for an apartment soon. He's been saying how ridiculous all the parking in downtown is (about $3k/year) so a lot of people take the bus or live in downtown. I will also be working in downtown when I get certified in my field in the coming year. It wasn't the best time while he was driving, but it was now or never since he brought up looking for an apartment. I asked him why he felt he needed to buy a place rather than rent. He said he doesn't want to pay rent to someone when he can be paying off a mortgage. I just straight out asked where did I play into all of this. I said, what if I want to buy a place too, we're just going to be living separate lives? He said he could always sell the place and use the equity to buy a place together. Then I just laid it out. I said that I felt like we haven't discussed a concrete plan, and I don't intend to sound pushy about it, but that it was strange we've been together over three years and enjoying it but no talk of the future. I told him perhaps we had poor communication. He agreed and we laughed that we should talk about it more. We both felt a sense of relief. He said he was happy that I brought this up as he was sure I didn't want to live with him because he knows how much I like my independence. He said his mother even thinks we should buy a place together. I told him that I do like my independence, but that I would live with him if we were going to be engaged/married. He said that he's happy to know I want to live with him, and that he knows the idea has been floating around, but he didn't know how I felt. I told him we should just not be scared and talk to each other. Once we found a takeout spot, we waited for the food, and he kept wanting to discuss getting a place together. I told him that I have not been one to push for a marriage, and he said he is glad I didn't do that. I also said that I know he plans to move out by the end of this year, and I know that seems like a pressure because now there's some kind of deadline. He said that we can get a place together by then and not to worry about the down payment and sees only me in his life . I even jokingly brought up how I'd like to pick out a ring, and then he joked back "so no family heirloom?" All in all, it went better than I expected. I was really preparing for the worst like this was his way of doing his own thing without me. He was very happy the rest of the night and kept bringing up how it would be like living together and that we should get 2 bedrooms. He said we couldn't get a cat because none of the buildings in downtown allow pets. I told him we should get one anyway and say it's my comfort cat. So now, I will have to see how it plays out and the effort that goes into making all this happen in the coming months. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) I told him that I have not been one to push for a marriage, and he said he is glad I didn't do that. I also said that I know he plans to move out by the end of this year, and I know that seems like a pressure because now there's some kind of deadline. He said that we can get a place together by then and not to worry about the down payment and sees only me in his life . I even jokingly brought up how I'd like to pick out a ring, and then he joked back "so no family heirloom?" I get a sense from your post of an unwillingness on your part to address the subject head on. From my years in retail, there comes a moment in the discussion where you have to "ask for the sale". After laying out the features, benefits and advantages, you get the customer to commit. Without this step, many presentations simply turn into lectures rather than actionable events. You're marriage minded, in your 30's, together for 3 years - did you say to him "do you want to commit to marrying me before the end of the year"? Did you ask for the sale ??? Mr. Lucky Edited August 26, 2015 by Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Scottish, Sounds like you're heading in the right direction. Yes, you need to keep the discussion open. You have some options.... First, I'd really be against jointly owning a house together before marriage, or at least engagement. If things don't work out right, it can be an expensive mess. You can just let him buy the house, you can always participate later, and that should not be a big issue. However, you should be in the process of looking for a house together, the could be your future marital house. You could even keep your place for a while, have some clothes at his house and perhaps spend 3 or 4 days a week there. (Personally, would not be my choice, but could work fine). There IS some adjusting when being married and living with someone full time, and you will learn a LOT of things about each other that you didn't know. But with a solid foundation like it seems you have, you can easily solve the living problems. And, you can still have your freedom living with someone... make a few ground rules (I have and works great). You just need a separate room or area to hang out, and you may want some uninterrupted time for yourselves. But, most important is communication so you both have an agreement for the future and your plans. And, yes, after three years together, you should absolutely have some serious future plans. And that doesn't mean you have to get married right away, you can still wait a year or so, if you both feel that way. Keep us posted, sounds like you two have a super chance of a great life together! Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Some here will disagree with me, but buying a house together before marriage would be a very bad idea. I don't recommend getting financially tied to each other until you have been married or are close to it. My wife and I did not live together before marriage. It wasn't a matter of religion or any social pressure. We simply wanted to wait until marriage to live together. As a matter of fact, even before I met my wife, I never lived with a GF. It just wasn't something that interested me. My wife and I are now on our 20th year together and perfectly happy. There is no absolute reason to live with someone before marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Some here will disagree with me, but buying a house together before marriage would be a very bad idea. I don't recommend getting financially tied to each other until you have been married or are close to it. My wife and I did not live together before marriage. It wasn't a matter of religion or any social pressure. We simply wanted to wait until marriage to live together. As a matter of fact, even before I met my wife, I never lived with a GF. It just wasn't something that interested me. My wife and I are now on our 20th year together and perfectly happy. There is no absolute reason to live with someone before marriage. Many will disagree with you about living together before marriage. And many have done it quite well. As for buying a house, I'd agree. I almost bought an airplane with my GF and decided against it.... when I married her she got her half for free... should have shared it with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 He should buy the house before marrying you. It's less messy that way. And if you don't like the house, you can redecorate when you're the Mrs. Don't mix house purchase with engagement. Link to post Share on other sites
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