inquisitivedavey Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Hello, I've recently been able to get back on my feet financially and am no longer in overdraft. I've cut down tremendously on spending and am proud of that. I follow a budget almost religiously now. I pay for more than half the rent, utilities, internet, cable, cell phone plan, car payments, insurance and give my parents money every month. My wife's responsibilities are paying her portion of the rent and groceries. That is it. I am finding that she doesn't stick to her commitments and somehow I find myself taking care of her responsibility in the groceries. Once I got back on my feet financially last year, I gave her $1000 for her birthday present, bought her an iphone 6 and paid for a trip to South America (cost me about 6k). A month after coming back from our trip to South America, I somehow got talked into going to see her sister overseas in Europe this year making it "big trip" number 2 this year. It wasn't in the budget but the moment we agreed on not buying a house next year, the first thing that she said in a huff of excitement (at having more disposable income) was "I want to go to Europe because I need to see my sister". Because I understand her need to see her sister, I agreed. She didn't have the funds to pay for her portion of it so I said that I would help her and ended up paying 90% of the tickets, which ended up setting me back quite a bit. After all of this, I ended up finding out that her sister is actually coming here in the summer to visit family....AND...that her sister will end up moving back stateside this year. So....do we still need a trip to Europe? She won't hear it.....and says that this is a good excuse to learn about another country while her sister is still there. What I'm starting to feel resentment about is 1. I'm feeling used and 2. She can't even stick to her own responsibilities of taking care of groceries after everything I've been doing for her. I know it seems small and petty...but with everything I'm doing and contributing, I'm starting to feel that this is one sided. When I ask her why she is so hard up financially and what will she be doing to rectify her situation, she avoids the topic and get's annoyed that I am always talking about it. I've told her that I will help her get a budget set up in the same way that helped me and she keeps getting upset at me for talking about it. I can't even talk about it with her anymore. I'm feeling resentful and starting to not be as patient with her. It's not a good thing for me to feel because it eats away at my respect for someone. Does anyone have any insight? D 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JADIE Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 She's getting upset at your concerns about her financial contribution to your partnership because she's seeing the end of the gravy train. You sound like a very fair, actually more than fair...more like generous, guy and she is overstepping her bounds and using you to finance all her travel dreams. I'd try one more time to discuss it with her, making it very clear that you are having serious doubts about her dedication to the relationship if she cannot pony up to her financial responsibilities in it. If she refuses to talk about it and insists on making you look the bad guy or "cheap", lower the boom...get out, it is not going to get better in time. And congratulations on getting your own finances under control..that is a huge accomplishment! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Sometimes in order for people to see what needs to be done, it has to be in writing. Sit down with your wife and make a budget outlining her portion and yours, being fair based on income and household/maintenance duties. Then have her sign it, reiterating that you are no longer her bank. Anything you give her will be out of generosity, not obligation. My wife and I pool our resources so I'm unsure about this arrangement for marriage, but you must have your reasons. Resentment is a marriage killer so be sure to place your boundaries and be clear on what her responsibilities are, then tell her you won't brook disrespect when she doesn't comply with decisions and budgets you both made. This is about being clear about expectations and boundaries, Grumps 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author inquisitivedavey Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 Why thank you Jadie. That's very much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Sometimes in order for people to see what needs to be done, it has to be in writing. Sit down with your wife and make a budget outlining her portion and yours, being fair based on income and household/maintenance duties. Then have her sign it, reiterating that you are no longer her bank. Good advice. Did this with my kids when they went to college and 3 of the 4 had to initially fail in order to finally get it. Stop bailing her out, let the bank/credit card company be the bad guy. Based on what you've done to this point, she's had no consequences for over-spending. No more safety net... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Stop the big trips & extravagant gifts at minimum Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Are your finances separate or joint? Link to post Share on other sites
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