frustrated with conditional sex!!

[cmcf]

I have been happily married for over 4 years. Before my husband and I lived together we had sex probably every day. However, once we moved in together I began to learn he actually has a routine to have sex.

 

In addition to that he doesn't like to have sex as much as I do. I could everyday twice a day. I'm lucky if we have sex 3 times a month! He said he loves it, but that he has never had a high sex drive. He said he could take it or leave it.

 

If I want to have sex I have to be in bed and ready to go by 10 pm and not a minute later. He will let me know (subtly ) prior to bed if his stomach hurts or if his sinuses are bothering him...... that means no sex.....even if we discussed earlier that we were gonna make out later. We have Never had sex in the morning prior to him getting out of bed. His morning routine includes bathroom, coffee, read paper and breakfast on the weekend. During the week, get up at the same time, get dressed/ ready for work and then leave for work...all which takes him 15 Minutes. So needless to say we have Never had sex before he has left for work in the morning.

 

I have told him a million times, "you never have to ask me if I want to have sex, that's a given. Just take it. I will stop whatever I'm doing!" And I am serious I will!

If I happen to be in bed before him and he's in the mood (which isn't often). He'll say we can have sex if you want before I go to sleep. Or he will say I came upstairs a little early because I know you wanted to have sex before I go to sleep. Or if I happen to be on my period, he'll say ....we can have sex if you're not bleeding that much because I already took a shower and don't want to get dirty again.

 

Or if we happen to have an argument which we rarely do he will make sure I know he wants to have sex, but I feel like it's only because he knows it'll get me out of my bad mood. And it does instantly. I have told him if you think something is wrong initiate sex and i will instantly be cured of whatever it was....... and he knows this works, yet rarely uses that "weapon" he has. I will do whatever he wants in the bedroom (with him & to him only) & he knows that....that was made clear long ago and numerous times since then.

 

Sex is the only issue I have with my husband. He is a wonderful provider, all around great person, very affectionate even in public with like kissing, holding hands, hugging, he even still opens the door for me. We have lots of similar likes. And generally get along very well for the most part of it.

I'm just really starting to get tired of his whole routine for sex and honestly. I am starting to get to the point where l could really care less about having sex. I'm starting to feel like if he doesn't want to have sex another time other than 10pm right before he goes to sleep then I don't even want to either. And actually the last 2 nights we didn't have sex and he "offered." And my response to him was "No, I'm good." Then he will say," I can't do anything right. I tell you I want to have sex and you don't want too."

 

It just feels like a chore anymore, like loading the dishwasher or something and I don't want feel like he just doing it to mark it off the chore list. We have even discussed that very thing in counseling, but that really went no where. I think we had sex maybe twice in the afternoon that month then not again in the afternoon for probably another year. I love him with all my heart and would never cheat on him, but it makes me wonder if he really has been that way forever and if that isn't the reason his last two relationships his exes both cheated on him. Because I honestly could see where it would make a person consider it if he did them the way he does me with having sex. Then I think I'm just a horrible person, I have this wonderful husband who treats me like a queen and yet I complain about only having sex at 10pm....I must just be a *itch.

 

I'm just clueless...... do I just keep telling him no if he happens to offer at 10pm and see if he will eventually start offering off his routine or do I just give in and do it then and be happy that we are even having sex?

Edited August 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[fireflywy]

Maybe he has a hang up with it BECAUSE his other exes cheated on him. Maybe his drive is a symptom of that and not the cause?

 

Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? And considered some of what it discusses to foster a better sexual relationship instead of this passive agressive discourse you are both having that arises due to different timing?

 

What has your counselor said?

[cmcf]

No, I haven't read that book, but I will look into getting it.

He told me that it's not me.....that he was never really bothered about sex. He was a Virgin until he got married. He said he was like that with them before they cheated.

The counselor (who was a male) seemed to side with me. He said that he needed to be more open to straying from his routine and " put him in my shoes" so he could see how I could feel like it was a chore. Which like I said he did a few times, but then always went back to his 10pm ritual if he was in the mood......

[fireflywy]

Gotcha. That book is going to be more about how people show love by the way, but there may be things useful there to foster and reinforce his willingness to engage you at different times.

 

As for his drive, does he lift weights? Muscle adds to testosterone production in the body or maybe he is suffering from low testosterone in general? (This could be the issue.)

 

Is he looking at porn without you knowing it?

 

Have you ever just jumped his bones? Sent him a racy text at work? Hell, gone to Barnes and Noble and bought Cosmo's truth or dare card game?

 

How about teased him throughout the day with small doses of foreplay to get the kettle boiling?

 

I mean I know right now you'd like him to take an active lead, bit maybe a little pathfinding and experimenting will turn on a switch with him where he feels more amorous and just dives in.

 

*shrug*

Edited August 5, 2015 by fireflywy

[cmcf]

No, he doesn't lift weights. Regarding the porn, I seriously doubt that. He usually keeps pretty busy after work like around the house. He doesn't like to sit around. He doesn't even watch much television and he definitely couldn't look at it at work. So unless he's watching it at home when I'm at work and then deleting it from history I would have to say he's not.

Regarding the other things, I have and do ALL those things. Trust me I've done everything I can to make him know I want him and that I Love having sex with him.

As far as trying to jump his bones randomly.....he doesn't like that it's off his routine! Ugh. But I have definitely tried.

I'm just sooo frustrated ugh.

[cmcf]

Like I said, he is a great husband, father and step father and I tell him often I appreciate him, love him and so forth. My only complaint is the bedroom...... but when we do have sex it's perfect. I've told him before. It's his fault I'm "addicted" to him now because I can't get enough. He gives me an orgasm EVERY TIME we have sex and before him that was very rare.

But, really I feel like I should just accept this as a fact and accept that I basically feel like a nun........

[Lois_Griffin]

I have told him a million times, "you never have to ask me if I want to have sex, that's a given. Just take it. I will stop whatever I'm doing!" And I am serious I will!

Wow. You're intense.

 

You remind me of my ex sister-in-law. She was highly sexed too.

 

At first, my brother felt he'd hit the jackpot. A woman who was always up for sex just about any old time he wanted? Nirvana!

 

And then a couple years later, after having acted like jack-rabbits all the time, the thrill eventually wore off for him. He told me he actually started dreading coming home because he knew she'd be hoping to have sex and he just wanted to take off his shoes, have dinner, and relax after a hard day's work.

 

He just didn't find it that thrilling anymore to have someone humping his leg all time (his words, not mine). As with anything, too much of any good thing after a while just doesn't have the same thrill factor anymore.

 

And at one time he had said the same thing all the other guys say - "I'd NEVER get tired of constant sex!"

 

Your husband sounds like my brother. The thrill of constant sex simply wore off for him after a few years and that's probably what it is for your husband as well. I think when they know it's THAT available, after a while, it's just not a turn on for them anymore.

[OldRover]

Maybe he has a hang up with it BECAUSE his other exes cheated on him. Maybe his drive is a symptom of that and not the cause?

 

Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? And considered some of what it discusses to foster a better sexual relationship instead of this passive agressive discourse you are both having that arises due to different timing?

 

What has your counselor said?

 

cmcf,

The above post is good and the book is great. I read it to my GF, and it made a difference.....

 

I'm a bit more in your shoes.... and would like sex more, but can't come close to complain compared to you.

 

Yes, get his testosterone checked, HUGE factor. Also, if he has any stress or anxiety, that's a factor. Next would be some sex therapy.... he needs to work on loving to satisfy you, which should bring him more pleasure.

 

Daily might be a lofty goal at this point but a few times a week shouldn't....

 

And, yes, he should ask you for more and take the aggressive role. That will take time and effort, however.

[autumnnight]

OP, I am sorry you are frustrated.

 

First, let me reassure you there is NOTHING wrong with you. Women with an actual sex drive can sometimes be made to feel like freaks (especially by other women). Your sex drive is not anything to be ashamed of at all. It is part of you.

 

My ex was much like yours, and I hate to say that it got worse and not better as the years progressed. By the time I began to really ask for serious help, we were having sex a handful of times a year.

 

Definitely continue the counseling, and I echo the sentiments of getting the 5 Love Languages. I like it because it focuses on loving your partner in the way that makes THEM feel loved and not on earning sex.

 

Has your husband ever had his testosterone checked? Is he typically so rigid in his routine and schedule in other ways besides sex? Is he affectionate and demonstrative in other ways?

[SummerDreams]

He has admitted his sex drive is low but he still tries to get out of his way to please you. I honestly dont see what more can be done here. He does seem to try and make a change for you but what else do you expect to happen? I mean, unless he considers his low sex drive a problem and seeks some help through exams etc you cant force him to want sex more than he does. It's like forcing someone to eat a food they dont like; they may eat it a couple of times but they will not start liking it all of a sudden. I hate to be raw but I see no other solution than simply weigh the good and the bad and take it or leave it.

[fireflywy]

One other thing, if he's always moving around the house and never still, I would book a weekend away more frequently if possible. That way you can seperate him from his schedule and compulsion to be constantly productive, and get those brain chemicals flowing more freely?

[cmcf]

Yes, he is very rigid in his schedule with everything and very organized. Which I love for the most part just when it involves only having sex at 10pm, when he's in the mood.

He hasn't had his testosterone checked, but I'm going to suggest that he does.

 

Sex is the only issue I have with my husband. He is a wonderful provider, all around great person, very affectionate even in public with like kissing, holding hands, hugging, he even still opens the door for me. We have lots of similar likes. And generally get along very well for the most part of it.*

 

The other thing I forgot to mention is I'm not wanting long episodes of doing it. I'm good with quickies!

Whenever we do talk about it, he usually ends up saying that he's sorry he's a failure and sorry for neglecting my needs........but he isn't a failure at all, he is a great husband and is very affectionate. Then I just end up feeling like as ass for even bringing it up....

[cmcf]

We do go away alone. We have a river lot with a camper. He there, like home. He always has to be doing something. He says that "relaxes" him, but personally it would stress me out.

[fireflywy]

gotcha. I was thinking hotel room. Order room services.

[elaine567]

This is all very well for him to say he is a failure and he is not meeting your needs, but he is a free human being and at any moment he can say let's have sex, it is 7pm, it is seven minutes past eight in the morning, quarter past midnight, how about it?

 

Truth is, he is making the conditions here, apparently you are not allowed to initiate so that leaves his mindset, and only he can change that.

[cmcf]

Trust me I wish he would initiate it and have sex at other times besides 10pm.

I think his way of that is saying it's almost ten if you want to have sex before I go to sleep.

Even so, if I am in bed by 10pm and waiting for him 99% of the time I still have to initiate things to have sex. . . . . . .

Sometimes I think I shouldn't complain..... because he Does treat me so good otherwise. Like with my long term relationship before him....we had sex often and at different times and places........and was relatively good in bed. But, he didn't give me an orgasm EVERY TIME like my husband does whenever we do. But, my ex was also an ass half the time and selfish....... which my husband is far from.

I guess I can't have the best of both worlds...... too bad I can't, but if I half to pick I would say I'd go sexless which is what I feel like now....since I do have a husband who treats me wonderful the rest of the time.

[cmcf]

As far as the hotel thing..... we have done that twice. And honestly I'd just rather stay home then spend all that money to have sex 1 time. My idea of getting a room would include having a hot tub in the room and having sex at least 2 or 3 times during the weekend.....unfortunately, we don't think alike in that sense.....

[oldshirt]

If he has a lot of other rituals, rigid schedules, compulsive and repetitive behaviors in other areas of his life outside the bedroom, then this is either his rigid personality or even some kind of OCD issue.

 

If he is sexually responsive and enthusiastic when his conditions are met and he doesn't have any ED issues at 10 PM, then it's not a testosterone or hormonal issue.

 

It also doesn't sound like an attraction issue or an issue with the sex act itself.

 

As this is causing some marital distress, I think he should seek professional assessment as he may have some kind of OCD disorder.

 

If he has an OCD disorder, it won't matter how much you nag or threaten or beg. It won't matter how pretty, how thin or sexy you are or how sexy you dress. It won't matter how good of a lover or how good of a wife you are. Until the OCD is addressed and treated, it will likely only get worse over time.

 

OCDs are often treated by the lay public as something cute and comical, but they can become debilitating and have very bad impacts on relationships and quality of life.

[Thegameoflife]

This is what I like to call the reverse. It's when a woman becomes sexually aggressive, behaving dominantly, and the man responds by withholding sex to reassert dominance. I call it the reverse, because it's usually done when a dissatisfied wife takes dominance in the relationship because their man doesn't meet their needs; As a result, they withhold sex and other things.

 

Most of the time, the reverse is driven by female sexual aggression. It's caused by an addiction to orgasms. The tell tale sign almost always seems to be the man's exceptional prowess in bed. A orgasm or multiple orgasms from sex nearly all the time, is a powerful motivator.

 

I definitely empathize with your situation OP, as it sounds like it's becoming a big problem for you.

 

I'm curious though, does your husband put off an energy? Like his touch is really intense.

[cmcf]

We've talked about it briefly again. He still basically is just making excuses...... he said yesterday that he loves me and he's sorry he just doesn't feel like showing me love the way he knows I want him too.... and the conversation just ends there.

I have told him previously I'd just buy a toy and then he wouldn't have to be bothered about me wanting to have sex. His response was that he didn't really want me to do that....it was his job to take care of it......

Ugh.....so I'm just left hanging again.....I'm think I'm leaning towards buying a toy....

[Thegameoflife]

We've talked about it briefly again. He still basically is just making excuses...... he said yesterday that he loves me and he's sorry he just doesn't feel like showing me love the way he knows I want him too.... and the conversation just ends there.

I have told him previously I'd just buy a toy and then he wouldn't have to be bothered about me wanting to have sex. His response was that he didn't really want me to do that....it was his job to take care of it......

Ugh.....so I'm just left hanging again.....I'm think I'm leaning towards buying a toy....

 

Nothing wrong with buying a toy and taking care of your own needs.

[elaine567]

We've talked about it briefly again. He still basically is just making excuses...... he said yesterday that he loves me and he's sorry he just doesn't feel like showing me love the way he knows I want him too.... and the conversation just ends there.

I have told him previously I'd just buy a toy and then he wouldn't have to be bothered about me wanting to have sex. His response was that he didn't really want me to do that....it was his job to take care of it......

.

 

If he accepts it is his job to take care of it, then suggest he takes care of it at 7:15am, 3:07pm or 12:39pm and he stops all this 10pm on the dot nonsense.

[elaine567]

Nothing wrong with buying a toy and taking care of your own needs.

 

No. But she does actually have a husband, and he is acting like a controlling idiot over sex.

If he has OCD then perhaps that is understandable, but if this is mere game playing or an attempt to assert dominance then it is abusive, cruel and destructive,

Such behaviour breeds resentment, and resentment breaks marriages.

[Thegameoflife]

No. But she does actually have a husband, and he is acting like a controlling idiot over sex.

If he has OCD then perhaps that is understandable, but if this is mere game playing or an attempt to assert dominance then it is abusive, cruel and destructive,

Such behaviour breeds resentment, and resentment breaks marriages.

 

In every relationship, there is a dominant and submissive person. When the dynamic functions, everybody is happy, and they call it equal.

 

I'm dominant in my marriage, and part of that is meeting my wife's needs, and she meets mine. I treat her with love, respect, empathy, and give her security. She benefits more than I do. She hates the idea of the concept, as most women do. In practice, she finds peace and happiness in a submissive role.

 

Aren't most female fantasies based around strong dominant men taking a leading role?

[elaine567]

 

Aren't most female fantasies based around strong dominant men taking a leading role?

 

Depends very much on the woman involved. It is by no means a given.

 

In every relationship, there is a dominant and submissive person. When the dynamic functions, everybody is happy, and they call it equal.

 

Equality is just that equality, equality does not equal male dominance and female submission.

 

I'm dominant in my marriage, and part of that is meeting my wife's needs, and she meets mine. I treat her with love, respect, empathy, and give her security. She benefits more than I do. She hates the idea of the concept, as most women do. In practice, she finds peace and happiness in a submissive role.

 

I find your tone a tad condescending as regards your wife and her hatred of, but her ultimate acceptance of a submissive role in your marriage.

I would not get too comfortable around thinking she finds peace and happiness there, she may prove you very wrong at some point.