CaliforniaRain Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I met my now wife four years ago; we married about 1 year after dating. When when first started dating, we shared our dating history. I had never dating anyone else before. She, however, broke up a few months ago with an ex of five years. That gave me pause, since I wasn't sure I wanted to date someone with such baggage. Still I continued to date her, thinking we were just dating and I could break it off if I couldn't handle the baggage or thoughts of her ex. 1-2 months later, one night after a few drinks, she comes out mentioning that she was sexually active with her ex. While this shouldn't come as a shock, in our culture virginity is very important. In fact, most/all of my female cousins were virgins prior to marriage (even those who've dated) and most of their friends (whom I know) were virgins before marriage as well. Of course, I can't verify this, but I am very close to my cousins (in many ways we are best friends and share everything). Anyway, my wife begins to cry and tells me she would understand if I dumped her and called herself "damaged goods" (I mentioned nothing of sort, in case you're wondering). I eventually ask her when was the last time she saw her ex and when was the last time she had sex with her ex: a few months and 1.5-2 years, respectively, she told me. Given that information and after a few days of thought, I decide to continue dating her as I sorted out my emotions. A few months later, one evening while I was staying at my wife's place and she was sleeping, I wrongly snooped on her cell phone just to confirm everything she told me. What I found shocked me. I found evidence that she stayed with her ex at a hotel, and presumably had sex, about 2 months into us dating. I immediately lost a lot of trust, since she directly lied to me about her past and, at least to me, beginning dating me without being fully over her ex. At this time, I became a hot mess but decided not to confront her until my emotions calmed down and I could make a rational decision. I was hoping that with time I could see if I could live with this knowledge and control my feelings, including insecurity. I also consulted my "brain trust" of siblings, cousins and friends on what to do. The more Americanized ones told me that since we weren't exclusive, the situation was forgivable. Others mentioned that a situation involving a ex (as opposed to a new person, I suppose) made it particularly bad but forgivable. Still others told me to dump my then girlfriend immediately as I deserved better (and if I didn't, they would literally come over to my then girlfriend's place and drag me out). Time soon ran out, and she became pregnant. I marry her because of the pregnancy as well as the fact that outside my knowledge of the hotel incident, she has been a great person. It's been 3 years of marriage and two children later, and the knowledge of the hotel incident still naws at me. I have yet to confront my wife. The emotional side of me wants to confront my wife and get some closure (or at least open up the issue for discussion). The rational side of me wants me to stay silent, as I don't believe anything good will come out of the confrontation. In addition, the situation is partially my fault as well, as I should have made a decision earlier and not let things get dragged out like this. Should I confront my wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Confront? No. Talk with, and come to a shared understanding of your history, definitely. Then, once all the facts are out in the open, you can decide together how to go on from there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 It's been 3 years of marriage and two children later I think the ship has sailed. You were fully informed when you chose to marry her and start a family. You had a chance to deal with this before those commitments were in place, you chose not to. To do so know would be essentially going back on your word and contributes nothing to your marriage. If it bothers you, see a therapist and work through the issues. Other than that, man up, live your life and keep you eyes forward. You've got a "great" wife and wonderful family, you're in an enviable position. Don't screw it up... Mr. Lucky 9 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 i think you should.. it's important to be open and honest but next time do it sooner because your timing makes YOU look bad.. and it should backfire so.. expect that. you should brace yourself because youre in the wrong too..if anything Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 You have every right to talk about her past. You asked her specific questions to determine if she was marriage potential and she lied. She has chosen your destination in life all based on lies. Many women lie about their past to avoid looking like a whore. Be prepared that she has MANY more skeletons in her closet and that you may only know the tip of it. I'm sure she had sex MANY TIMES more than what she is telling you and the fact that she even met him for sex while you were dating is a telling story. She needs to come clean but be prepared that this will severely hurt or destroy your marriage. It's been 17 years since my wife spilled the beans in a very similar situation and to this day I still have many problem in the marriage over all these bad thoughts in my head. Trust is everything in a marriage and you must be certain that going forwards that trust starts to build and never breaks again. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 You have every right to talk about her past. You asked her specific questions to determine if she was marriage potential and she lied. She has chosen your destination in life all based on lies. Many women lie about their past to avoid looking like a whore. Be prepared that she has MANY more skeletons in her closet and that you may only know the tip of it. I'm sure she had sex MANY TIMES more than what she is telling you and the fact that she even met him for sex while you were dating is a telling story. She needs to come clean but be prepared that this will severely hurt or destroy your marriage. It's been 17 years since my wife spilled the beans in a very similar situation and to this day I still have many problem in the marriage over all these bad thoughts in my head. Trust is everything in a marriage and you must be certain that going forwards that trust starts to build and never breaks again. Good luck. OP, since you snooped on her phone and found out the truth well before the marriage OR the pregnancy, YOU knew all this and married her anyway. She should not have lied; there is no doubt about that. It does sound like whole "damaged goods" view your culture has of non-virgins may have played into it (which believe me, I fully understand). As far as all this stuff about this meaning she has all sorts of evil skeletons....take that with a grain of salt. A lie borne out of fear (which is still wrong) does not a hooker or serial cheater make. However, if you believe that you are going to view her in the above light, then for her sake, you should probably just divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Yes, you have the right to ask her. And you also have the right to destroy your marriage by doing so. If she has been a good and faithful wife since you got married, then there is NOTHING GOOD that can come from bringing this up. Deal with it on your own or with a therapist. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 You have every right to talk about her past. You asked her specific questions to determine if she was marriage potential and she lied. She has chosen your destination in life all based on lies. Many women lie about their past to avoid looking like a whore. Be prepared that she has MANY more skeletons in her closet and that you may only know the tip of it. I'm sure she had sex MANY TIMES more than what she is telling you and the fact that she even met him for sex while you were dating is a telling story. She needs to come clean but be prepared that this will severely hurt or destroy your marriage. It's been 17 years since my wife spilled the beans in a very similar situation and to this day I still have many problem in the marriage over all these bad thoughts in my head. Trust is everything in a marriage and you must be certain that going forwards that trust starts to build and never breaks again. Good luck. While it's true the OP's wife was a cheater and liar while they were dating, the OP isn't 'innocent.' Instead of making his stand back when he found clear evidence of her deceit, he instead continued having sex with her which resulted in an accidental pregnancy. The time to have brought it up and to decide how to handle it would have been BEFORE he continued having sex with his 'damaged goods' girlfriend and getting her pregnant then subsequently marrying her. I find it rather amusing that sex with OTHER men was some kind of a slight on her reputation and morals, but sex with the OP and pregnancy out of wedlock supposedly wasn't. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 If you confront your wife then you may have to deal with the repercussions of that. Worst case scenario, she moves herself and her kids out and files for divorce, either right away, or after weeks, months, years of bickering between the two of you. If you think her "crime" merits that, then go ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliforniaRain Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 While it's true the OP's wife was a cheater and liar while they were dating, the OP isn't 'innocent.' Instead of making his stand back when he found clear evidence of her deceit, he instead continued having sex with her which resulted in an accidental pregnancy. The time to have brought it up and to decide how to handle it would have been BEFORE he continued having sex with his 'damaged goods' girlfriend and getting her pregnant then subsequently marrying her. I find it rather amusing that sex with OTHER men was some kind of a slight on her reputation and morals, but sex with the OP and pregnancy out of wedlock supposedly wasn't. I agree that a huge part of the situation is my fault, hence my reluctance to bring up the topic. I would note that everything in the relationship, including initiating the first hug, the first kiss, the first time we had sex, etc was her. I am a very passive person, but I agree the time may have passed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliforniaRain Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 You have every right to talk about her past. You asked her specific questions to determine if she was marriage potential and she lied. She has chosen your destination in life all based on lies. Many women lie about their past to avoid looking like a whore. Be prepared that she has MANY more skeletons in her closet and that you may only know the tip of it. I'm sure she had sex MANY TIMES more than what she is telling you and the fact that she even met him for sex while you were dating is a telling story. She needs to come clean but be prepared that this will severely hurt or destroy your marriage. It's been 17 years since my wife spilled the beans in a very similar situation and to this day I still have many problem in the marriage over all these bad thoughts in my head. Trust is everything in a marriage and you must be certain that going forwards that trust starts to build and never breaks again. Good luck. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm almost afraid to see if there is anything else, but agree it's a possibility. 17 years is a long time, and its hard to imagine living life dealing with bad thoughts for so long. Good luck to you as well. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 You haven't stated your culture, but a long time ago my roommate had a part time job as a college student. It was at a private clinic where they conducted abortions. She said almost all the girls/women who went there were Asian. They also had doctors there that performed a procedure to 'put the hymen back intact', so they appeared to be virgins when they got married. Not everything is as it appears and these girls who you think are virgins, may not be. Because of the pressure and how the culture makes it seem worse for girls, they are forced to lie. The doctors where making loads of money, because they knew it was important to these girls. If this happens in the UK I'm sure it happens in America. The families would have been ashamed if their daughter was known not to be a Virgin. Lots of other girls are just better at hiding the fact that they aren't really virgins. Just because you know what you do, doesn't mean your wife is any less of a person or that she's a loose woman. At least she was in a long relationship and not sleeping with loads of guys. If it's going to eat away at you, then discuss it. Be prepared to say how you snooped on her phone when you guys were just dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 When we were dating my wife told me about one more skeleton in her closet. It was someone that I knew, at that time, that she had slept with before she even knew me. If anything it made me trust her more because she really didn't have to tell me that if she wanted to get away with it. We got married, three kids later it is still the best decision I ever made. Talk to her though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliforniaRain Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Thanks. We're Asian. Agreed that the focus on virginity can have adverse social consequences. While I was raised in the West, I can't help the way I feel, and I'm sure there are many folks in West that can relate. You haven't stated your culture, but a long time ago my roommate had a part time job as a college student. It was at a private clinic where they conducted abortions. She said almost all the girls/women who went there were Asian. They also had doctors there that performed a procedure to 'put the hymen back intact', so they appeared to be virgins when they got married. Not everything is as it appears and these girls who you think are virgins, may not be. Because of the pressure and how the culture makes it seem worse for girls, they are forced to lie. The doctors where making loads of money, because they knew it was important to these girls. If this happens in the UK I'm sure it happens in America. The families would have been ashamed if their daughter was known not to be a Virgin. Lots of other girls are just better at hiding the fact that they aren't really virgins. Just because you know what you do, doesn't mean your wife is any less of a person or that she's a loose woman. At least she was in a long relationship and not sleeping with loads of guys. If it's going to eat away at you, then discuss it. Be prepared to say how you snooped on her phone when you guys were just dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 It's been almost a month since your original post. Any update on your thinking or action plan? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Chriskey2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Uh! Dont think so it'll work Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliforniaRain Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 It's been almost a month since your original post. Any update on your thinking or action plan? Mr. Lucky Thank you for checking in. I'm still deciding, but I really think your advice made a lot of sense. I've held the issue in for four years, so I figure I can wait a while to figure out the best action plan. I do think it's too late for the most part. And I can't emphasize enough how kind, generous, understanding and supportive my wife is. I can't imagine anyone else with a better personality for me (although obviously her personality doesn't suit everyone, since she was dumped by her ex). That said, the hotel incident continues to eat at me and while I can continue to handle my internal turmoil, I don't want to be dealing with it through the next 30-40 years until I die. It doesn't help that the hotel is right off the freeway that we frequently drive on our way to various destinations, :-/. In addition, the hotel incident just doesn't coincide with everything I know about my wife, and it's difficult to reconcile. Part of me still thinks, do I really know my wife? Do I trust her complete? If I'm honest with myself, the answer is no. I trust her enough, but complete trust is forever lost. And that's a big deal to me. Many of my friends consider me their most loyal and most trustworthy friend, who will look to me if they're in a bind or confide in me things they never share with anyone else. It kills me that my relationship with my wife lacks this full trust and loyalty. I'm considering therapy just to see if it'll help, and my employer does pay for a handful of visits for free each year. Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 You may never learn to trust your wife again until you open your heart to her again. By doing so you may destroy your marriage, but is it really worth the trouble if you can't go to sleep at night with both eyes shut for, possibly, the rest of your life? Would that be fair to you and her? I'm considering therapy just to see if it'll help, and my employer does pay for a handful of visits for free each year. Therapy can help you to deal with your own issues and indirectly improve your marriage. But your problem is not yours alone, so I seriously doubt your marriage will benefit from it. Trust is a two way street and, if you want to work in your marriage, your will have to make your wife a participant in the healing of your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'm considering therapy just to see if it'll help, and my employer does pay for a handful of visits for free each year. Certainly no downside in taking advantage of the benefit. And the insight and interaction might be helpful in other ways also... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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