New military member and household financial issues

[4givrnt4gtr]

Ok so, I am literally a day from starting active duty in the military. .

 

I am also married and my husband has not have stable job for over a year. Despite this lack of secure employment (he often gets side jobs here and there), he has always pay half of the rent and utilities as we had agreed. Up to this point I have been a full time student and have paid my half of everything through student loans and the part time jobs.

 

Now that I am in the military my financial status is much better. I am going to be receiving Basic Housing Allowance, which is basically a set amount of money on top of my "base pay" to pay for rent etc. My husband of course came to my new station with me, and has even less job prospects than before. Still he swears that he will get a job no matter what.

 

Given this, I thought we would still split all of our bills 50/50. It would be quite easy because the new location is much cheaper to live at than before so I thought there was no question about it. If we were to do this, I would be able to pay off my car and get out of debt completely.

 

However, a few days ago, while we were looking to buy some furnishings for our new place, my husband suggested that aside from putting all of BHA, we both should also put $1000 each on the shared/house account.

 

I was taken aback quite a bit. This means that I would be contributing about $1300 of BHA plus an extra $1000 while he will contribute $1000. In fact, because where we live is so much cheaper, if I did what he asked me to do, he wouldn't even have to put any money in whatsoever.

 

I brought this up to him and told him I was a bit concerned about this because I wanted him to be responsible for his maintenance. That I wanted him to be my partner not my dependent. He said that he understood but he felt that the military gave us BHA for the expressed purpose of paying rent so he didn't see this money as part of "my" pay but as the military paying for our housing.

 

I'm not quite sure how to handle this. On the one hand he is right...that money is specifically for rent/housing. On the other hand, I don't think its very fair that I contribute more than twice as much for our household. He agrees with this and said that we should revisit this when I come back from bootcamp in August, and see how successful he was at finding a job so perhaps we can make a more equal break in expenses.

 

So what are your thoughts? Are military members expected to pay all of the rent /mortgage in their households given the stipends they receive? Should spouses help pay rent/expenses?

[Popsicle]

A crap ton of military spouses don't work or barely work. They end up staying at home with the kids, so if you have kids, he will probably watch them while you work.

[d0nnivain]

Not every marriage is 50-50 It works better if each can pay proportionally to what they earn.

 

 

For the 1st month I'd do it then see how his job prospects are If you don't see him actively looking for work -- resumes & pounding the pavement every day renegotiate around July 20.

[Grumpybutfun]

BAH Married is for you both, as your husband is your dependent in the Navy whether or not he is working and has a million jobs making a million dollars. Sponsor/dependent is part of the military benefits dynamic. Therefore, if you weren't married you wouldn't receive BAH Married just getting out of basic training but would be forced to live in barracks unless you were an officer or mid grade.

 

BAH Single is for those (E5 and up) who are unmarried but have been authorized to reside off base. There are few exceptions where seniority will allow you to reside off base with BAH single. Therefore your husband is right. He is the reason you get to live off base with your higher allowance. You can nickel and dime him to death in the name of equality or you can both learn how to talk about money as a couple. The military has plenty of courses for free to help you do that...I suggest you two enroll in every financial course they have and learn how to make a budget and talk about any future children you have as well as retirement and financial contributions. Money was one of the biggest reasons I saw people divorce in the military. Usually, people who do not learn to be a team and pool resources become resentful and spiteful.

 

Your Chief or Staff Sgt. is a good fount of basic information and support. Also, there are plenty of resources through your command for him to get help with job searches and resumes. You will have a lot of support for him to get help in finding employment and even furthering his education. Do not have children until you figure all of this stuff out.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited June 28, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Why doesn't he use this opportunity to get an education so he can get a real job?

[4givrnt4gtr]

Thank you everyone for the responses. Let me see if I can respond to each question/ comment.

 

Popsicle: Yeah I am aware a lot of military spouses don't work. Earlier in our relationship before I decided to join he hinted that he wanted to stay at home with the kids. I was very very reluctant because in my mind, I wanted a partner who would pull together with me in all areas and I wondered if he had intentionally looked for someone who could provide him financial stability so that he wouldn't have to work (I will be a doctor next year). He said that ideally he would like to be a stay at home dad and have a career in writing. After much discussion and a lot of other things we decided that I would support him in his pursuit of his career while he supports me in my dream of becoming a military doctor. Financially it would work and career wise it made sense.

 

I'm not sure if I am being too rigid, but throughout this year I've watched how he is going about this career pursuit and it makes me nervous. If it were me I'd be doing everything in my power to get it going. Spending as much time as I can writing, seeking out ways to get my work known etc. He isn't like that. He writes, for sure (he got two manuscripts done in 6 months) but he doesn't know how to promote his work or even how to get started. He spends a lot of time (from my point of view) doing "fun" things (i.e. Watching movies, playing video games, reading books etc). It makes me so anxious. If he were to put as much energy on getting his career going as he does researching what movies to watch next, I think he would be doing much better.

 

In any case, after seeing this he also said he wanted more structure to his life so he wanted a full time job. I fully support this and hope he can do it. Partly for finances but mostly because I want to know the man I marry is a responsible adult who does his fare share. I asked him again if he wanted to be a stay at home husband, because if that is the case then there are expectations with that role as well if that is how he is willing to contribute but he said no...so We'll see.

 

 

D0nnivan: Yes I supposed there is not 50/50...Its something I need to figure out myself and learn to be more flexible in that area...Mostly though I just don't want to feel like I am being taken advantage of and splitting things evenly, like we've done so far, is the easiest way to do that. Perhaps this is something my family ingrained in me (everyone is out to get you type of mentality) and something I need to work through before it causes problems in my marriage.

 

Grumpy: I really like your response. I agree that without him I wouldn't get as much BAH (I am an officer so I think I get something even without him) which is why its confusing me as to what to do. I will definitely look into financial classes offered at the base. This would be very helpful.

 

Clarence: He told me he wants to do a master's degree (he has a BA in Screenwriting and film) so he can teach but I am at this base for just one year so he is going to wait until we are station at a longer-termed base.

 

Again thanks so much for your input. A lot to think about.

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree that without him I wouldn't get as much BAH (I am an officer so I think I get something even without him) which is why its confusing me as to what to do.

 

How does someone with enough drive to complete medical school and become an officer end up with a spouse that doesn't feel he should contribute or even work? Doubt he recently fell off the CEO fast track so this must have been his way since day one. Opposites must really attract...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lucy_in_disguise]

Given that you are in the military and he will be following you around while you pursue your career, from ny perspective it doesnt seem like 50/50 would be fair in this situation. He does not have the same opportunities as you to earn a higher income.

 

Yes, you are supporting each other if it was a mutual choice for him to stay home and focus on his writing while you became a military doctor, but it seems like financial support is part of that equation since hes a writer and youre a doctor. Surely you knew youd be making more money than him, at least initially?

 

Im not going to comment on whether or not he may have married you partly for financial stability, and if you SHOULD trust him. But i think trust is a requirement for a successful marriage. If you cant trust each other, whats the point?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Also, i understand your concern regarding how he approaches his career. You sound like a very driven, organized person, and since you are supporting him in his, i can see the temptation to control. However, I think you need to find a way to respect his choices in his career. If you cant do that while he stays home, maybe its best he have a job, but a lack of respect can really damage yoir relationship. Right now, it sounds like you are having a hard time respecting his choices.

[Radu]

Good advice so far ... but i think i'll add something.

 

Is it your money [yours individually] or your money [the couples] ?

I'm asking because i can't seem to figure out why you got married, and why you can't work out a percentage that is a variation of the 50:50.

 

In marriage, one partner may be doing better or worse at one point or another.

Isn't the purpose of marriage to have the security of having someone help you out ?; Or is it a different set of rules based on gender that is the elephant in the room ?

 

And if there is this elephant, can you say that you truly would desire to be provided for, have some level of long term security, even if it's not for huge sums of cash ... security that the paycheck will come in on time, that bills will be paid, etc ... ?

 

PS: I think you are trying this modern idealized form of marriage, but you are falling onto the fact that hey ... you like security.

Also, you can't exactly renegociate things every time there is a change in employment ...

[d0nnivain]

D0nnivan: Yes I supposed there is not 50/50...Its something I need to figure out myself and learn to be more flexible in that area...Mostly though I just don't want to feel like I am being taken advantage of and splitting things evenly, like we've done so far, is the easiest way to do that. Perhaps this is something my family ingrained in me (everyone is out to get you type of mentality) and something I need to work through before it causes problems in my marriage.

 

I can totally understand you not wanting to be taken advantage of. However, he moved for you so in the very short term (July) be generous of spirit & money while he acclimates.

 

Although we haven't been married very long at different points DH & I have traded being the primary bread winner. Granted it's more a function of me being self-employed without a steady income while he gets a government salary but it does force us to work like a team & be respectful of each others contributions.

 

Just don't emasculate him on principle because things are 50/50 financially if everything else is otherwise good.

[Popsicle]

My intuition is telling me that you are being too paranoid and rigid.

[autumnnight]

Writer here. You don't get a "career in writing" by writing manuscripts that sit on your desk until Random House calls. You go on freelance sites, look for ads for writers in the paper, and you do freelance writing to pay bills WHILE you are trying to get Random House to publish your life altering novel.

 

He can go to a few sites, sign up, write things on a contract basis, and still work on his novels. And he needs to join a writer's guild to get access to things like the most current issue of publishers' lists, who does and does not take unsolicited manuscripts and queries, etc. And he needs to send things out all the time. Stephen King got over 50 rejections before his first book.

 

It takes work and drive to be a writer, not just creativity.

[OldRover]

A marriages (or relationship) doesn't have to be 50/50, in fact, rarely is. Mine included. Usually, the male gets the higher paid job, the female, lesser, and spends more time w kids and household, but doesn't always work that way.

 

Mine worked great. It was: Everything goes into the family pot and we use that to live on. The first 5 years of being self employed, I virtually contributed nothing. She did it all. The next five year was fairly equal, we me contributing a ton when I sold the business, and switched careers. She decided to switch also, and went back to school full time, so we lived off our investments. As our careers developed, I gradually ended up pulling in a LOT more that her, so she could quit. Financially, things worked out great, but we both put effort into things to be sure there was enough money.

 

With a permanent location yet to be determined, it's hard to get a job, unless one is self employed and/or works off the internet.

[USMCHokie]

You may need to adjust your expectations a bit...unless your husband has a truly "mobile" profession that is in high demand regardless of duty station, then you cannot reasonably expect that he will contribute a comparable amount to the household as you do.

 

Just as it takes a special person to be a military spouse, it also takes a special person to be in the military with dependents.

[Lois_Griffin]

Earlier in our relationship before I decided to join he hinted that he wanted to stay at home with the kids.

Yeah.

 

This is a guy who just doesn't want to work or pull his own weight. I already had that impression by your first post, but this statement above just confirmed it.

 

I'm the old fashioned type. 'Mr. Moms' just seem creepy and effeminate to me.

[Lois_Griffin]

.... he moved for you so in the very short term (July) be generous of spirit & money while he acclimates.

Meh. If he's looking for her to support him (as he wants her to do) then of course he's going to go with her. I wouldn't give him TOO much credit for being so 'selfless.'

[Radu]

Yeah.

 

This is a guy who just doesn't want to work or pull his own weight. I already had that impression by your first post, but this statement above just confirmed it.

 

I'm the old fashioned type. 'Mr. Moms' just seem creepy and effeminate to me.

 

Yeah, i wonder if you would be saying the same about a woman.

[OldRover]

Yeah, i wonder if you would be saying the same about a woman.

 

Yea, VERY GOOD POINT....

 

In a relationship, either can take whatever support position is appropriate, if financial, kid or household support or whatever.

 

My brother was a house husband, while his wife made well over a 6 figure income in her business for years. He supported her, did the house hold chores, took care of the kids, and also worked for her as her assistant.

 

Both gave a lot. And my brother could have easily gotten to a good salary position, but the self employment for her was a much better option.

 

It worked very well.....

 

So, DECIDE WITH YOUR SO WHAT WORKS FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.

[CC12]

My husband of course came to my new station with me, and has even less job prospects than before.

 

I think maybe you're not placing enough value on the fact that he agreed to uproot his life to move with you. That is a huge sacrifice he made. Speaking as someone who has committed to moving wherever her spouse's career takes him, I can tell you it's very difficult establishing a home and a life of your own when you know you will have to move soon. It's a strange and uncomfortable position to be in if you're looking for a good, meaningful job when you know you will have to give it up in a year or two. He deserves credit for being willing to do that.

 

I also think it's an issue that you want to take your housing allowance and bank that directly into your little column of the household budget. That housing allowance should benefit both of you and lessen both of your financial burdens. That's fair.

 

Financially, you seem to be treating him more like a roommate than a spouse and a partner who loves you. Rigidly splitting expenses 50/50 is not going to work forever, and I'd bet that it will lead to arguments and resentment. You both need to make adjustments to make this work.

 

It's nice to know (thanks Grumpybutfun) that the military will provide financial lessons. You guys should definitely take advantage of those.

 

Best of luck.

[Els]

I think you are being unreasonable, honestly. The key statement here is "My husband of course came to my new station with me, and has even less job prospects than before". When someone moves to a place with less job prospects just to be with you because your job requires you to be there, it's rather expected that you will be more flexible with financial arrangements. I could understand your complaint if he was putting in 0 effort looking for a job or wanted you to pay for everything, but you are really nickle-and-diming here IMO. Your military job probably gave you a housing allowance BECAUSE they expected this situation (where a partner would have to make career sacrifices to move with you).

 

If you really need a partner who goes 50-50 with you financially then you should not expect them to relocate for your job. In that case you would need to endure a LDR while you both work in different locations. You can't have things both ways.

[OldRover]

I think you are being unreasonable, honestly. The key statement here is "My husband of course came to my new station with me, and has even less job prospects than before". When someone moves to a place with less job prospects just to be with you because your job requires you to be there, it's rather expected that you will be more flexible with financial arrangements. I could understand your complaint if he was putting in 0 effort looking for a job or wanted you to pay for everything, but you are really nickle-and-diming here IMO. Your military job probably gave you a housing allowance BECAUSE they expected this situation (where a partner would have to make career sacrifices to move with you).

 

If you really need a partner who goes 50-50 with you financially then you should not expect them to relocate for your job. In that case you would need to endure a LDR while you both work in different locations. You can't have things both ways.

 

 

I'd argue STRONGLY against a LDR.. it has WAY too much stress. Did that for about 8 months, commuted monthly, and it was horrible. Never again.

 

I'd argue to take the advise of some of the above, treat the relationship as an equal financially situation, not 50/50 like roommates. The financial contribution doesn't have to be equal, but the commitment, love and combined energy should be the same. Yes, he'll have to do his part, perhaps some part time work until a permanent location is made, or perhaps he can develop some skills that allow him to work anywhere. Lot's of options.

[USMCHokie]

Financially, you seem to be treating him more like a roommate than a spouse and a partner who loves you. Rigidly splitting expenses 50/50 is not going to work forever, and I'd bet that it will lead to arguments and resentment. You both need to make adjustments to make this work.

 

Strongly agreed. I think 50/50 arrangements in any marriage border on ridiculous, but for military families, it's almost impossible.

[Els]

I'd argue STRONGLY against a LDR.. it has WAY too much stress. Did that for about 8 months, commuted monthly, and it was horrible. Never again.

 

I've done a LDR for a lot longer than that - was certainly stressful and pretty horrible, but still doable.

 

That being said, I agree that the best solution in the OP's case is for her to be more flexible about their financial arrangements. All I'm saying is, IF she absolutely cannot flex re: 50/50 finances, then she has to understand that she is practically forcing a LDR upon herself. It isn't fair to her partner to expect him to move with her while being so inflexible about financial contributions.

[d0nnivain]

Meh. If he's looking for her to support him (as he wants her to do) then of course he's going to go with her. I wouldn't give him TOO much credit for being so 'selfless.'

 

I suggested she give him ONE month . . . July (since she posted in June) to actively look for a job. It's unlikely that he will get a new job in 30 days but if he's making a real effort to find one & contribute then fine. If not, she can reevaluate in August. What is so mollycoddling about that?