His brother is a tumor in my life!

[Arya-Stark]

Hello, I needs help, I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

My hubby and I have been married for 8 years. He is a great man, sweet, faithful, and loving. Our marriage is almost perfect. The problem lies in our living arrangements. Before we got married, my husband, and his brother (who is only a year younger than him) bought a house together, and lived together for a while. Then my husband and I met, and got married. I lived with him and his brother, and he promised me that it is a temporary arrangement, and eventually we will live alone. Well it's been 8 years, and it is still the same. He lost his job for a while, and the finances got really bad, so the move became impossible.

His brother, has had a GF for probably 20 years now, but he only goes and stays at her place on the weekends if she was available (she travels a lot), and spends the rest of the week with us.

It got worse when my husband now goes to work, and his brother decided to start working from the house, so now I have zero privacy all week.

While I do not cook him his breakfast, and lunch during the week, but I do cook dinner for everyone, and clean after everyone. Because he is so lazy, if he prepares food in the kitchen, he leaves everything out for me to clean. If I don't clean it just stays there, he doesn't mind it.

If he stays home with us on the weekend, he expects me to cook his breakfast, lunch, and dinner or else he sulks all day, and starts snapping at everyone for no reason.

He always treats me as if he and my husband come first, and I am second. For example if I cook something he likes, my husband will scoop some, and while I'm feeding my son, my brother in-law would eat all the rest of the food without even asking if I wanted any (he's done this on many occasions now).

When I talk to my husband about this, he feels awful for me, but he doesn't know what to do about it. They are not the kind of family who will sit down and talk about things. They just ignore things, and hope they go away on their own. My husband would say something like, next time, I will pay more attention, and if I see him eating your share I will remind him that it is yours. But for me it is not about the food at all, it is about respect, his brother does not think much of me at all, in his mind I am here to cook and clean.

Another problem, because his brother works from home, everyday he goes in the backyard to lay down in the sun, and do some tanning. His lounging chair is facing the living room where I always sit, and he does not turn it facing the water, no he turns it facing the house (Patio door), and he lays there barely wearing anything, and recently he started exposing his bottom!! completely out. So now I close the shutter, and sit in the dark room while he's tanning. Or I go the my bedroom, shut the door and stay there. Again, I told my husband to talk to him, at least to tell him to turn his chair facing the other way. But while my husband does not like this either, he doesn't know how to talk to him about it.

In the house, I have a living room that I stay in, and he (brother in law) has a different one. But when my husband is at work, he keeps creeping up on me. He would walk so soft like a ghost, and all of a sudden he is in the middle of my living room looking at me. I ask him if he wants anything, he would say no, and just leaves. He creeps me out. I'm not sure why he does that? On the other hand, if I have to go to his home office to tell him something, I make sure to slap my feet on the floor so loud so he knows I'm coming before I am there. But he just has this creepy habit of sneaking up on me. I told my husband about it too, but he would say that "he must be bored" or " I don't know what to say, just ignore him" and so on. Even my bedroom, which I thought is off limits, his brother twice walked in there without even asking me, I was sitting in the living room, all of a sudden he goes in my husband and my bedroom, when I asked him what he wanted he didn't respond, just walked away. Later I told my husband, who asked him about it, and my brother in law gave him an excuse (he was looking for something) or something like that.

More problems, my husband parents and family, like to come visit us every holiday, and stay for a week or two in our already cramped home. And who do think does all the cooking and cleaning when they are here? You guessed it ME! By the time they leave I feel absolutely exhausted mentally, and physically.

I can't take it anymore! It is killing me, but we cannot afford to go somewhere else, and his brother is not considerate, he is constantly sticking his nose in our business, and eavesdropping on our conversations. Please help! What should I do!

[Vercetti]

Issue with brother is simple, you haven't even started a life with husband yet. Your husband has not made good on a eight year old promise.

 

All I can think to do is dump the house on the brother and find a place to start your marriage and life together as a team.

[Arya-Stark]

I wish we could. We cannot afford it. And now my hubby is mad at me, because he is stressed at his work, and he expects to come home to relax, but there is always an issue in the house. He is getting very stressed, and wants me to deal with it, and stop complaining.

[minimariah]

you'll have to move.

 

can't expect this man to move out of his own house that he got before you ever appeared in their lives. it's HIS house and you're a guest in it, technically.

[Arya-Stark]

you'll have to move.

 

can't expect this man to move out of his own house that he got before you ever appeared in their lives. it's HIS house and you're a guest in it, technically.

 

It is not his house. The house belongs equally to him, and my husband. They both equally paid for it. And they own it 50/50.

[sandylee1]

What a horrible situation.

 

Some practical things

 

Ask your BIL not to creep up on you, as you get startled

 

Get a lock on your bedroom and lock it when your home alone or with BIL

 

When you cook, dish a portion out for yourself and cover it to eat later

 

Ignore his sulky mood if you don't cook on the weekends

 

Ask if he can clean up after himself in the kitchen. It's not too difficult. I personally would go on a mini cooking strike to protest. No cooking till he cleans up. You can eat sandwiches and other easy to cook , shove in the oven stuff until he cleans up. Don't cater for him.

 

If your husband complains about you stressing him out when he gets home , why not 'be out' when he gets home for a while

 

Unless your husband feels a negative impact of these living arrangements, he won't take steps to end it . So you need to think of ways of making it not so great for him , otherwise where is the motivation for him to make a change?

 

I would advise you not to create a wedge between the brothers though. You just need to think outside of the box.

[minimariah]

It is not his house. The house belongs equally to him, and my husband. They both equally paid for it. And they own it 50/50.

 

the house belongs to him & your husband meaning that it's his house, at least half of it. that's why you can't expect him to move out from a house he invested in & bought, half of it.

 

if he is to move out then he has the right to be paid out for his half, did you talk to your husband about that?

 

i understand the situation is stressful but unfortunately, you're only a guest there and i think you'll wait a long time for a brother to move out first.

[Mr. Lucky]

The tumor isn't your BIL, your H is the problem. No self-respecting spouse allows his wife to live under those circumstances and he needs to man up and stand up. Several options - sell, buy out BIL over time or rent.

 

8 years is too long, I'd ask your H to fix this now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[darkmoon]

you married the husband - not his brother - tel the bro straight

 

his bare butt on show is a come-on, hanging around the bedroom, well...

 

be careful, two brothers, things sound bad, so i would discreetly seek legal advice on your rights as spouse of one of two home-owners, secrecy is best here xx

 

just protect yourself, husband did not even mind the brother's bare butt display, ffs

 

buying out BIL is a good idea/option, ask lawyers for best info

Edited June 28, 2015 by darkmoon

[writergal]

the house belongs to him & your husband meaning that it's his house, at least half of it. that's why you can't expect him to move out from a house he invested in & bought, half of it.

 

if he is to move out then he has the right to be paid out for his half, did you talk to your husband about that?

 

i understand the situation is stressful but unfortunately, you're only a guest there and i think you'll wait a long time for a brother to move out first.

 

I agree with minimariah that you are only a guest in your husband and BIL's house, since they both are 50/50 owners and your name is not on the mortgage. In the eyes of the law, you are a renter, not a house owner.

 

I don't see any solution to your problem that doesn't involve getting the BIL to move out. You've tried talking to your husband and your BIL, but neither have listened to you. So, they clearly don't view your concerns as serious which is very unfortunate. They are brothers. And for some, blood is thicker than water.

 

The idea of trying to break up their brotherhood doesn't appeal to them, is what is probably going on.

 

The only option I think you have left is to use an ultimatum with your husband; either his brother moves out or you do since you can't tolerate living there anymore, and your concerns have been glossed over or completely ignored by both your husband and his brother. The longer you stay there, the worse this situation will get unless the BIL or you moves out.

 

See if that ultimatum helps your husband convince his brother to get off his duff and find his own place. He will have to sell you his half of the house. Otherwise, what financial incentive does the BIL have to leave? None because his brother will help him out. So you have to make the idea of moving out appealing to the BIL somehow, and to convince your husband that your marriage is at stake here. Don't bluff. Follow through on your ultimatum or just stick with living there with his brother and figure out a different way to cope with the BIL.

[wizer]

Sorry but you really need to grow a set and step up to the plate.

 

It's time to stop the enabling, and put an end to all of this crap. Who gives a rat's ass if he's snappy and sulks around the house because you don't cook for him. Going forward he is no longer invited to eat the dinner you prepared and you're not making him any more extra meals. If he tries to eat the food than yell at him and grab it from him if necessary.

 

When he leaves his mess out on the counter, get in his face and scream at him to go clean it up or it's going into his bedroom- and followup on it. Dump all his dishes right on his bed or his floor. When he's suntanning nude go right up to his ass preferrably surprising him and start yelling at him.

 

Etc. Etc.

 

You need to make some noise and stop taking this sitting down.

 

It's escalation time. If necessary you'll increase the conflict until you feel threatened and then you get a restraining order so he has to leave the house.

 

Sounds extreme? This situation calls for extreme measures.

[Babs22]

These resentments are going to destroy your marriage. Why can't you sell the house? Each brother will get half the profit then you and your husband can go get your own home as promised and your brother in law will have money to go make a fresh start. I would give your husband a deadline to make this happen or I would leave. It is unacceptable for your H to keep letting your brother in law treat you the way he has.

[sandylee1]

Another thing......speak to your H about his family coming over every holiday. If they're going to come over then he needs to help with all the cooking and everything else. Tell him you find it very exhausting and you can't continue like this.

 

You can't say they're not allowed to visit , because it's not your house . It's your home , but not your house.

 

Your husband needs to feel the impact of an unhappy wife. At the moment he's clearly not feeling it enough, otherwise he'd do something about it. You've done enough talking, now it's time to take decisive action.

 

Get creative, get crafty if you need to, but do something. Your ideas should have nothing to do with your BIL, just things your H will feel.

 

8 years is too long for this arrangement to go on.

[Arya-Stark]

Thank for all your replies. You have no idea how much you are helping me. Believe me I have thought about giving my husband an ultimatum a long time ago (I am fed up with this situation), the problem is I have no where to go, my only option is a women shelter, and the idea scares me a great deal. My family lives in another country, and are very poor, so I wouldn't want to be a burden on them with my child.

I have begged him for years to sell and leave, I would live in a one bedroom apartment, I don't care. But he loves everything he has now, it seems he does not want to sacrifice anything for our relationship. Especially that he feels comfortable because he knows I have no where to go.

[writergal]

Thank for all your replies. You have no idea how much you are helping me. Believe me I have thought about giving my husband an ultimatum a long time ago (I am fed up with this situation), the problem is I have no where to go, my only option is a women shelter, and the idea scares me a great deal. My family lives in another country, and are very poor, so I wouldn't want to be a burden on them with my child.

I have begged him for years to sell and leave, I would live in a one bedroom apartment, I don't care. But he loves everything he has now, it seems he does not want to sacrifice anything for our relationship. Especially that he feels comfortable because he knows I have no where to go.

 

Hmm that does complicate things -- that your family lives in another country and can't financially help you with your living arrangement into a one bedroom apartment.

 

Would you ever consider looking for a full-time job? Then at least you could be out of the house for the whole day, which would solve the problem of having to deal with your BIL who works from home. And, you could save money to move into your own place, if it were to come to that where your marriage is concerned. Make finding a job your goal if that's something you could consider. It may open a lot more doors for you.

[sandylee1]

Thank for all your replies. You have no idea how much you are helping me. Believe me I have thought about giving my husband an ultimatum a long time ago (I am fed up with this situation), the problem is I have no where to go, my only option is a women shelter, and the idea scares me a great deal. My family lives in another country, and are very poor, so I wouldn't want to be a burden on them with my child.

I have begged him for years to sell and leave, I would live in a one bedroom apartment, I don't care. But he loves everything he has now, it seems he does not want to sacrifice anything for our relationship. Especially that he feels comfortable because he knows I have no where to go.

 

Oh dear. That's a bad situation .

 

Do you work?

If not , you need to get a job and start saving up .

 

I advise you not to have any more kids while in these conditions.

 

If you watch your son in the day, get an evening job when your H is home.

 

It doesn't matter if your H makes enough , you need your own hard earned cash. If nothing it gets you out of the house. You don't need to say. Nothing beats your own cash and men won't take advantage because they have the financial power.

 

You need to become financially independent , so that you can support yourself.

 

I'm not sure that you qualify for a shelter, as there's no abuse here.

 

You have very few weapons to use right now , because you can't even go and stay with family.

 

Your H needs to feel the pinch of all this.

 

I've got other ideas and tactics to use and if you want, I'll private message you with them. Let me know if you want me to.

[Arya-Stark]

I have in the past asked to find a job, my husband refused. Now I am a student, working on an RN degree, in the hopes to later be able to work, and secure my son's future, as well as mine. My husband is 18 years my senior, and I keep thinking if (God forbid) something happens to him, his brother would not hesitate to get rid of me, and my son, and throw us on the streets. I want to be able to provide for us. I want to feel safe.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Simple, tell your husband it's time to be a real man & get a job that will support his family independently, or face normal consequences. The shared house deal wont work like that. Someone is going to have to move out or buy the other out. Selling the house is another option.

[mrs rubble]

Actually OP you do have a job, you're the BIL's maid- ask him to pay for your services or cook and clean up after himself!!

[sandylee1]

I have in the past asked to find a job, my husband refused. Now I am a student, working on an RN degree, in the hopes to later be able to work, and secure my son's future, as well as mine. My husband is 18 years my senior, and I keep thinking if (God forbid) something happens to him, his brother would not hesitate to get rid of me, and my son, and throw us on the streets. I want to be able to provide for us. I want to feel safe.

 

Why did he refuse for you to get a job?

 

Perhaps something to do with control?

 

Or to make sure you don't have the financial means to come close to being able to support yourself?

 

I sometimes find when there is a large age gap like this (usually the man being older), that the wife is controlled. Although control can happen in any relationship. It's not a marriage of equals when you can be told not to get a job.

 

Why do you have to do what he says?

 

I volunteered with a woman whose husband didn't want his wife to worked. He refused to look after the kids in the evening for her to get a job. I advised her to join a mothers support group in her area and make friends. She could arrange to do a mutual favour, where they could watch each others kids and no money was involved. Of course you have to get to know the person well first.

 

You said a lot of nice things about your husband, but I sense control. He knows you've got no family here and no money to be independent , furthermore he won't let you get a job. If you're going to get any results, you need to play the same game as him.

[Poutrew]

Arya, your story raised my hackles. I hate to tell you this, but you are a slave to both your husband and his brother. The brother is displaying passive aggressive behavior towards you and since he is now showing you his butt, and coming into your room and staring at you creepily, this behavior is escalating, especially since your husband is not doing anything about it. Eventually, this brother is going to rape you. He will blame you and your husband will blame you, not his brother. You will either get thrown out, or wind up being sexual relief for both these sick men. I urge you: Get. Out. Now. A women's shelter is better than where you are now. They may be able to help you find a job, or apply for state aid, and you can begin your journey towards independence. But, you must take the first step. God Bless!

[Arya-Stark]

Is my husband controlling? I am with all honesty not sure. I was born and raised in a different country, my parents were very protective, after I obtained a driving licence they still will not allow me to drive (worried about me). At the age of 18 they married me off (arranged marriage). My husband at that time, did not allow me to drive either, or go anywhere without his permission...etc...

I was miserable, and filed for divorce. So then I became divorced, with a disabled son in my hands, no college degree, and basically a burden. I decided to marry my current husband, because I wanted a secure life for my son. I was afraid to marry someone young, because I didn't want to deal with a partner who wanted to party, and go out, and so on. I wanted someone who has been there done that, and now is ready to settle down and have a family.

My husband is a good man, compassionate, and I do love him. My dream was to marry him, maybe have another baby or two, and just live my life caring for my kids, and husband, and have a big happy family.

Then my dream got crushed to nothing. I still don't drive, my husband thinks I am too naive to go anywhere by myself, and the times I practiced driving with him were a disaster (he is not a patient instructor). His brother living with is a major problem. The fact that his brother told us that we are not allowed to have more children, or even pets in the house, is another crush to my dream.

On our wedding day his brother acted very strange, we just eloped in a court house, but his brother (on the morning of the wedding, while getting ready) sent my mother in law to tell us that he is upset that this marriage was a surprise to him, and no one told him about it (which is a lie, the night before we were all sitting together including my parents in law, and we told them we decided to go get married the next day), Then mother in law told us BIL is having a headache and will not attend the wedding. Later that day, when we came back home, he gave us a look, if looks could kill we would have dropped dead right there, then he went to his bedroom.

So here I am, I don't work, or drive, I'm not sure how I am going to attend college when the next semester starts.

My husband knows I am not happy with this arrangement which is making him paranoid. He is afraid if I work, that I might find someone else that will promise me the world, and I would end up leaving him. He told me many times, "remember if you become a nurse, and go work in hospital, some men might promise you things, a nice home, or whatever...Just remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side".

I know he is feeling insecure, which is ridiculous. I do not want to be in another relationship. I have been a failed one, and this current one feels like another failure too, so no. Relationships are not for me. I learned my lessons. All I want is this one fixed. I want us to move on, and have our own peaceful place.

[darkmoon]

BIL said no more children or pets and husband listened, seems BIL is the dominant brother, so i am beginning to understand a bigger picture, here your husband wants a quiet life

[MJJean]

Is my husband controlling? I am with all honesty not sure. I was born and raised in a different country, my parents were very protective, after I obtained a driving licence they still will not allow me to drive (worried about me). At the age of 18 they married me off (arranged marriage). My husband at that time, did not allow me to drive either, or go anywhere without his permission...etc...

I was miserable, and filed for divorce. So then I became divorced, with a disabled son in my hands, no college degree, and basically a burden. I decided to marry my current husband, because I wanted a secure life for my son. I was afraid to marry someone young, because I didn't want to deal with a partner who wanted to party, and go out, and so on. I wanted someone who has been there done that, and now is ready to settle down and have a family.

My husband is a good man, compassionate, and I do love him. My dream was to marry him, maybe have another baby or two, and just live my life caring for my kids, and husband, and have a big happy family.

Then my dream got crushed to nothing. I still don't drive, my husband thinks I am too naive to go anywhere by myself, and the times I practiced driving with him were a disaster (he is not a patient instructor). His brother living with is a major problem. The fact that his brother told us that we are not allowed to have more children, or even pets in the house, is another crush to my dream.

On our wedding day his brother acted very strange, we just eloped in a court house, but his brother (on the morning of the wedding, while getting ready) sent my mother in law to tell us that he is upset that this marriage was a surprise to him, and no one told him about it (which is a lie, the night before we were all sitting together including my parents in law, and we told them we decided to go get married the next day), Then mother in law told us BIL is having a headache and will not attend the wedding. Later that day, when we came back home, he gave us a look, if looks could kill we would have dropped dead right there, then he went to his bedroom.

So here I am, I don't work, or drive, I'm not sure how I am going to attend college when the next semester starts.

My husband knows I am not happy with this arrangement which is making him paranoid. He is afraid if I work, that I might find someone else that will promise me the world, and I would end up leaving him. He told me many times, "remember if you become a nurse, and go work in hospital, some men might promise you things, a nice home, or whatever...Just remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side".

I know he is feeling insecure, which is ridiculous. I do not want to be in another relationship. I have been a failed one, and this current one feels like another failure too, so no. Relationships are not for me. I learned my lessons. All I want is this one fixed. I want us to move on, and have our own peaceful place.

 

Get a job. Do you have enough of the proper credits to become an LPN now so that you can work while taking your RN classes?

 

Your husband sounds like a joke, honestly. He either took on an unemployed divorcee from another country with a disabled kid so he and his brother could have a maid and in house sex slave or he's just too pathetic to man up and live independently from his creepy brother for the sake of his own wife.

 

I will give him credit for one thing. He knows the grass is greener in places where his dysfunctional creeper of a brother isn't sitting bare assed on the lawn.

 

If I were you, my entire life would be consumed by finding a job, finishing my degree so I can get a better job, and getting as far away from those messed up brothers as soon as possible. If nothing has changed in 8 years, it's not going to. Considering the entirety of the circumstances, I'd bet he married you specifically because you'd be stuck with him and unable to leave. I'd also bet he is highly manipulative and has been playing with your head to keep you in a situation very few women would tolerate.

Edited June 29, 2015 by MJJean

[sandylee1]

I'll say it again, there's nothing like financial independence. You've gone from one controlling husband to another , except you can't see it this time.

 

How long does he intend this situation to go on?

 

You need to get driving and get a job , any job. Waiting tables , sales assistant anything to earn some money.

 

I've seen cases of American /British older men who marry from places like the Philipines, Russia , Ukraine , and become very controlling with their younger wives. This is what causes the demise of the marriage. These men have the attitude of 'you should be grateful I married you and rescued you from poverty'. Expecting servitude and eternal gratitude.

 

His actions are very deliberate. Much like the old slave masters didn't want slaves to be educated , because then they could write a pass and escape , your H fears a job will be your escape from the current living arrangements and you'll be able to pay for an apartment yourself in time.

 

Look online and see if there is a support group for women from your country of origin, or even just a women's support group.