Sammy1974 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) I have posted here previously describing my husband texting his female coworker and that I was suspecting that he was setting the ground for something to happen between them, despite all the safeties he had included such as allowing me access to his phone, sharing a phone bill, etc. Well, here is what has happened since last Wednesday which was his last day of school because we are moving into a new townhome. School officially ended today. So, last Wednesday he asked me if I would like to go see an early movie with him at 11:45 a.m. I said no, because I had to work. I had checked the call record and he had texted her about 8 times after I told him I cannot go to the movie. LAter in the day, I asked him if I can see his phone and he said "sure". This is the text message as best as I can remember that he sent her: "Want to go see Mad Max at 11:45 with me." Her response: "Not really. I'm home working on something." His response: "I wanted to give you my keys because I am not returning to the school since we are moving." Her response: "Just mail the keys then." That was it. Then he had a job interview the next day and she texted him "good luck" and he responded by saying "thanks". That was it, and I was starting to calm down a little bit, even though there has been a feeling inside me I cannot explain about that situation. For the last three days we have been going back and forth moving, tons of stuff into this townhouse. We are loaded with work to do still, and my husband is looking for another position for next year. A lot of stress in other words. Today he went to buy something at the store while I was at work and we were going to meet at the townhouse to continue to organize. I check the phone log and he had initiated a text to her. I asked him about it, and he became extremely defensive and read the text to me that said "Happy Last Day of School!!". I asked him why with all this stress that we are having right now, would you even think about this person? Why are you continuing the communication when you don't even see her at work anyore? What can you possibly have in common? He was livid and told me that I try to control him and I treat him like his mother. That he doens't want to be in a relationship where his wife tells him who he can talk to. I told him I don't want to do that anyway. but I don't understand what the appeal is here? (Please keep in mind that my husband is very antisocial to begin with so his sudden desire to be social with this particular person disturbs me.) He told me he continues to communicate because in the summer if he has nothing to do he could go to a movie with her or for drinks with her and or her and her friends. "What's the big deal, in the middle of the day, if I go to the movies with another female?" I told him ,very calmly that as his wife, this situation makes me uncomfortable. His response: "Well, then that's your problem, not mine. Because I am not doing anything. I value our marriage and I would do nothing to put it in jeopardy. You are single handedly destroying our relationship with your mistrust of me." At that point he hung up the phone. When I called again, he told me he doesn't want to speak to me or be around me and that I should go sleep at my parents' house tonight. He said to me: "I know what you want. You want me to say OK, my loving wife, I love you so much that if this upsets I will stop talking to her. Well, that's not going to happen." I asked him to remove himself from our phone plan, since I pay for the whole thing and he should go get his own life. I am no longer interested in who he is texting or why. Within the same hour, he had transferred his phone account. So, now we have separate phone accounts. I was communicating with his father who told me he walked in the door around 8:30 pm and wasn't talking to anyone. We have been staying with his parents for a while now, until we found a place, and we are still there while organizing the townhouse. So, basically at this point, my marriage might be over due to the fact, that as his wife, I asked him to not go to the movies or for drinks alone, with another female. Am I being unreasonable or crazy? He is not even happy that we are moving out of his parents' house. All he has been doing for the last three days is complain about the amount of work and what he doesn't like about the place. His parents are beside themselves because they know what is going on. I talk to them about it, since he won't speak to them and they are left wondering. There is a huge lack of respect on his part, and he always turns it around and makes it my fault because I don't trust him. But how can I trust someone who is texting another woman to go to the movies with him? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. I am so incredibly frustrated. He is not hearing me and he told me that the only person in his life who makes him unhappy at times is me. That he's just "not happy." That, despite the fact that we have been having some pretty good days. So, I am now at my parents' house, with a townhouse 20 minutes away in full disarray, and with my husband sleeping at his parents' house. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring. But things like this, break ups, separations, whatever you want to call them, have been happening almost yearly for the last 10 years. I never thought it would happen again, not now. Not after having committed to a 12 month lease and having moved all our belongings. All of this because according to him I don't trust him. According to me, it is because it is more important that he continues communication with this woman that honor his wife's feelings. Please give me your input. I am desperately trying to figure out if this relationship is even worth trying to save at this point. Edited June 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs! Link to post Share on other sites
stillcold Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Your husband is wrong 100%. You are completely right and he should have no business spending intimate time with other females other than his wife. From the things he tells you, it seems he has zero respect for you and your feelings. Your gut feeling is right and he's clearly doing something more than he should with this female. Without knowing too much about your marriage, I'd strongly advise for you to divorce if these reoccuring problems cannot be fixed cause they are clearly unacceptable. Oh and no matter what your husband says, HE IS WRONG in this situation. Don't like him make you think otherwise. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sammy1974 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 Thank you for that. I begin to doubt myself at times. Was I too harsh on him? Should I believe him when he tells me nothing is going on? But then I can't ignore that constant, nagging feeling that something is not right with that situation. He can be in the same room with me and I'm checking the phone log. I never used to do that before. I feel something not right. But what upsets me the most and for me, confirms my suspicions is his explosive behavior and defensiveness. Does that point to his guilt? When I asked him he said its because he is so frustrated having the same conversation over and over again and that I don't trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
Raya1234 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Wow, I can't even imagine my husband speaking to me that way! Incredible. Have you ever sought marriage counseling? It seems like you have to decide if there is anything to save here. Did your husband show you more respect at some point? He is definitely in the wrong here, I agree. It seems he became really defensive because he knows it. Although he may not have physically initiated anything with this woman, it seems like from their communication that he is the one trying to start something with her, whether or not he intends it to become physical, the fact is it is highly inappropriate and disrespectful to you. The concerning point to me is how often you reach breaking points. That mentality has to change or you will only arrive here time and time again. I read an article recently about successful marriages that were researched and followed up on several years later. The couples who divorced or were very unhappy were because they showed fight or flight responses to any conflict versus remaining calm and trusting; although arguing and confrontation made them unhappy in the moment, they trusted their partner loved them and that it would eventually pass. Hopefully this could be a place you could both attain with some counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sammy1974 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 Well, at this point I don't think we are even at that point. I slept at my parents' house last night (it is now 4:30 am) and I cannot sleep anymore. I do not believe my husband loves me or cares about my feelings. No matter what it was that I was doing, if he told me it bothers him, I would stop doing it because it is making him unhappy. I do not get that in return. I am almost certain he will want this to end and will seek divorce. The thing is, I also know I cannot continue living my life this way. He even separated himself from our phone account so I don't have access to it anymore. He doesn't want to be married. He asked me to marry him a few years ago after he lost his job. Two months prior of asking me to marry him, we had broken up, and I found out he was on Match.com looking for dates. Two months later I was "his rock and his support system." Again, this was after he lost his job, so apparently he needed me financially. I suspected that at the time, but I put it out of my mind because I didn't want to believe it. How can someone give you a ring, when a couple months prior they are looking for women on an online dating site? He shuts me out several times a year. We will argue, it is always my fault or "my problem", and the response is "I don't want to be around you right now. Go to your parents' house." You are absolutely correct that he is completely disrespectful to me. Do you think I hit a nerve with him and this situation with his ex-coworker? That he is actually wanting something to happen between them, and he feels exposed because I can see it so clearly? I can't explain his explosive behavio any other way. Should I talk to a lawyer and begin the divorce process? At this time, my husband won't even talk to me. Are things are in that townhouse, and I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 . He even separated himself from our phone account so I don't have access to it anymore. after he lost his job. . what was his explanation for him hiding his phone bill from you? that sounds like a pretty big red flag. Losing his job might be the key triggering thing. A man defines much of his life around his job, and having been fired/laid off can be devastating to some. maybe he was feeling very vulnerable, and this woman paid him some attention and flirted with him a little, and he started feeling like a man again? It is not that clear that SHE really wants him anymore....sounds more like he is pestering her in that latest text conversation. And your asking questions about her seems to be busting up his little fantasy about him being such a stud? IF you want to reconcile this marriage....he needs to somehow become less needy, accept his life, and slowly start to work thru his issues. And, much as you might not be in the mood to do so...he needs you to support him until he rights his ship. Maybe meet for coffee somewhere the just talk thru where his head is at. Ask him his concerns and fears. And see if you can find a reason for his odd behavior. If there is a reason....then there is a glimmer of hope he will start acting nicer...especially if you can get him some counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Sammy He's wrong . If my H wasn't happy with that situation if I was so friendly with another man, I'd stop . It really is as simple as that . Continuing to do so would show I'm not putting him first. This is how affairs can start and there are a number of women who lack boundaries towards married men. A movie then a kiss that he won't know how to decline. He's not respecting you. Let him text her all summer long now. I am sorry you're in this situation though . On the one hand it seems like a small thing to divorce over but on the other, it's showing his lack of boundaries. If you do stay together really really do the 180 . Focus on YOU. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Do you really want to put up with this sort of thing for the rest of your life? With kids? With the million difficulties that life throws at you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MM1234 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Sammy, What he wants to do is date other women while he is still married to you. Going out to eat & the movies when you are not present is going out on dates! You don't need to put up with that, you have a man child on your hands. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Just from the content of those texts, she suddenly sounds awfully abrupt with him. In your last couple of threads, she was being much nicer and inviting him out for drinks and inviting him to come to a party they were having one Sunday afternoon, etc. etc. Now all of a sudden she's turning him down for the movies and telling him to 'mail' her the keys and just generally acting really dismissive towards him. I don't get it. Plus, he told you a while ago that he doesn't particularly care for any of his coworkers and didn't want to be bothered being friends with any of them once his job was over - yet he's suddenly claiming he DOES want to be friends with her now. It sure doesn't sound as though she's too interested in being buddies with him, all of a sudden. It just seems very odd. What the hell happened to have her do such a complete about face towards him? That confuses me more than his incredibly childish and emotionally stunted behavior towards you. Why the hell is he whining about moving out his parent's house? How the hell old IS this guy? I'm starting to feel that he's more of a child to you and less of a husband. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sammy1974 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 He is 41 year old. I am 40 years old. I am so incredibly tired of feeling this way. You are exactly correct. She wasn't worthy of being a friend, yet now, he is telling me he might want to go to the movies or for drinks with her and or her friends. What bothers me is how defensive he got when I brought it up. He said he feels that I have slapped him in the face and that I don't trust his integrity and that he would do absolutely nothing to ruin our marriage. But that is exactly what he is doing. His father yesterday when I told him what happened was very upset also. He did not understand why his son thinks this behavior is appropriate. He is crossing the line and every boundary set by marriage and does not respect my feelings. Do you know that he told me he asked her at one point where she lives and she told him "I don't know where I live." I told him that is kind of strange, how can someone not know where they live? He asked her that also and her response was "I'm not familiar with the area." One of my friends told me that she probably didn't want him to know where she lives so he doesn't show up there one day. Could that be true? Also, he has not called me at all since our argument last night. Last night he texted me to let me know that his phone has been transferred and that I should sleep at my parents house "for a variety of reasons." I told him "I was planning on it" and then he texted me back: "Good. Done." That was it. Thoughts? I am really feeling he wants this over also. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) I swear I'm not trying to be disrespectful by asking this, but does your husband suffer from some kind of personality disorder? I think you did mention that in another post. I ask because I almost fell over when I just read your reply that he's 41 years old and whining about moving out of his parent's house. I'm just floored that any middle-aged man would want to live with their parents OVER moving into their own home. That's a huge red flag right there. Unfortunately, I'm starting to think that your husband's odd behavior has creeped out this young girl. That kind of explains why she was so friendly and wanting to invite him to parties and such but is now suddenly being SO dismissive towards him. That totally explains it. He's probably said inappropriate things to her - like asking her where she lives, for instance. That could very easily be seen as creepy and inappropriate. It's one thing to ask what town someone lives in, just conversationally. But it's quite another to ask somewhere where they actually live. Her answer said it ALL when she told him she didn't know where she lives. And unfortunately, he doesn't even understand how inappropriate he was acting, even though her answer made it painfully clear. Now I GET why she turned him down for the movies and why she told him to mail the keys. She really doesn't want anything to do with the guy. You know, I don't really think he's actively trying to enter into some kind of affair type of behavior. I honestly think he's disordered and just doesn't know how to act appropriately. Edited June 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of immediately preceding post 7 Link to post Share on other sites
MM1234 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 ^^^ Lois is spot on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sammy1974 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 His father sent me a text this morning letting me know that they talked last night. I asked him what they talked about and he said he is extending the same courtesy he extended to me, to his son and wouldn't tell me what they discussed. I replied "I hope you are not upset with me for asking, but I want to know if things will improve or not." His response was "they will :)" I called my husband and he answered. I asked him if he would like to talk about things and he said he doesn't want to talk right now, we can talk later. He said he had a bad stomach ache, did not sleep well last night, and has not eaten or showered. It is about 11 am here and he normally wakes up around 6:30 am. So, that was unusual for him. I asked him if he thinks we can work things out and he said he doesn't know. I'm not even sure if I want to stay in this relationship. But I want to know what his committment to me is. I am very curious to know what was discussed between him and his father, because his father appears to be positive in his texts. He told me that they did talk, "but the more important conversation will be the one you and he have together. Soon..." That is what his father wrote verbatim. Link to post Share on other sites
MM1234 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Sammy, It seems like his father has good intentions but I would leave him out of your marriage. Your DH is acting like a child & wanting to talk only on his terms. If you want to work on things I would highly suggest marriage counseling for the both of you. Your DH has no concept of proper boundaries in a marriage. This would be a time that you can draw a line in the sand but make sure you are ready to follow through with any consequences, or it will all be futile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Stick to your guns. Your marriage is about you and him not him and this other women and you. You have made it clear it bothers you and he told you its your problem. You now know how he looks at your marriage. If your marriage ends over it then it was probably for the best. If he disrespects you this much on this who knows what else he is capable of doing. In my eyes marriage is about working together on problems and making each others lives wonderful. I guess some where along the line some people missed that. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Well now he can take his emotional affair underground since he switched plans. I'm not sure why you would want someone back that is "not sure" he wants you back. He really is a child. That's unfortunate since he is 40. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I agree in that I don't think a married man should be doing "dating" type things with a single female. HOWEVER...you haven't trusted him since way before this, and I can't say I blame the guy for standing up to you. Imagine how he feels living his life under your microscope. He can't do anything without you questioning his intentions and telling him you don't trust him. If you pound it in to him that you don't trust him, he will begin to act untrusting... You both need counseling--him for his social anxieties and you for your insecurities, and both of you for your passive aggressive behaviors. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Sammy, it is really wrong to bring father into picture as he is a third party, no matter how good intentions he has. He cannot know what is in his son's head and he cannot change his feelings for you if he has any left. Seems like he is with you for something else but love, maybe habit, maybe lack of balls to break it off... It is also wrong to stay with someone who apparently had a crush on a girl at work for which he ignored you and your feelings. The way he handled situation was at the level of an angry teenager. Why are you with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pondhawk Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Stop doing the "pick me" dance. He's a cheater or has his heart on it. His defensive rage is a huge red flag. Also his response: "Well, then that's your problem, not mine. Because I am not doing anything." is WORD FOR WORD what my cheating ex used to say to me before I had black and white proof of his affairs. Look, you're still young. Do you want to worry about his fidelity for decades?? He chose her over his own wife. This person who last week said he didn't really care about. Draw the red line already. If you don't, you are teaching him to disrespect you and behave loose around women because he can. IMO he has checked out. Lawyer up now. Contact the owner of the townhome and find out what the damage will be to break the lease. Also, look up Chump Lady and read her posts.....she explains behavior like this. Good luck (((hugs))) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I agree that his behaviour probably freaked her out. To go from inviting him over to hang with her friend to not knowing where she lives.............yeah right. He's behaving very immaturely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sammy1974 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) Well, I have an update of what has transpired. I called him and he answered to tell me he was at the townhouse doing some work. It is about 7 minutes from my work and I have my own business so my schedule is up to me. Which is nice because I can go home anytime I want and its literally 7 minutes away. I told him we need to talk and he said come over then. So I did. I told him if I offended him, I will apologize for that, however, his response to me was completely inappropriate. I said "next time you tell me to go sleep at my parents' house, if there is a next time, I will be telling you the same thing, since I am the one who pays 90% of the bills. So, next time, you leave." He looked at me and said again that he is doing nothing to jeopardize our marriage, he will continue to be as transparent as possible and that we can get on another family plan for the phone if I want. Also he said "the phone is downstairs. I have nothing to hide." He told me that everytime I show so little trust it puts a huge rift between us. I was puzzled and told him that what puts a rift between us is his lack of understanding regarding his words and his behavior. He kind of changed his tune a little bit and said: "We argued over me possible going out once or twice over the summer with one person or a group of people. IF it even happens, which it might not even happen." That comment of his makes me think that this girl has not responded to him at all, and this is why now it has become an IF he does anything over the summer whereas yesterday it was "if I want to go out once or twice over the summer." Apparently last night he went to his parents' house and they of course knew what had happened because I told them. His mother told him "don't mess up you life" and his father told him that he needs to shape up and he cannot tell his wife to go sleep at her parents' house. His father also told him "if there is something you are doing or planning on doing, stop it now." Do you think that had something to do with anything? I feel that I made myself clear to him, but I am still not sure. Thoughts? Edited June 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
MM1234 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Sammy, You made yourself clear but your DH is skirting around the issue & laying ALL the blame on you. That is called gaslighting, he's deliberately trying to make you feel crazy. Look up the 180, read up on it, & enact it. Show him you mean business! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 I don't get the feeling he's interested in physically cheating at all. Something is very wrong with the marriage & it has nothing to do with that girl. I don't know if it's a control issue or a maturity one. It doesn't sound like a partnership at all. What does he do for you attraction wise? Are you deeply in love with him or? Maybe I'm missing something, but the marriage seems off to me & not because of the girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Sammy If I understand right, you told him you pay 90% of the bills? If I understand correctly you shouldn't bring that into this argument. That will only make him feel unable to provide and men usually don't cope too well with that. All your other points are valid. He just needs to grow up and mature. Link to post Share on other sites
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