Are things really going to improve?

[Syberia]

A few months ago, I came to this forum because I was having issues with an unhappy marriage. We both seemed content to live under the same roof and do our own thing, keeping to ourselves most of the time. Sex happened maybe once a month, and we both admitted to just kind of "existing" together, and not really being that close to each other anymore.

 

Since that time, I have taken effort to improve myself. I've faced up to the fact that I never had a good example of a relationship from my parents, and am trying to do better. I took her out on an actual date for the first time in years. Did the cutesy romantic stuff that I'd stopped doing. Kept my phone in my pocket when I was spending time with her. Initiating sex.

 

Things started to improve. She told me she had missed this part of our relationship, and while she cautioned me that she could not change overnight, within about a month or so, I thought we were genuinely happy. Fast forward to today, about a month or so after I thought we had fixed things.

 

Things have been slowly drifting back to the way they were. Her work schedule has not been helping things (she is considering looking for a new job with better hours, but we both know that won't be easy), but when we're both home, she seems content to spend a lot of her time on her computer or her tablet, and I may as well not exist when she does that (if she's reading something, she'll tell me to leave her alone and stop bothering her).

 

I work from home in the mornings, she usually works evenings, so we do have limited time to see each other. I try to make the most of it by spending time with her on whatever break times I get, but even then some of the time she tells me to leave her alone, that she wants "her own time" and not to bother her. I try to give it to her (even though she has plenty of time to herself when I am working), thinking we'll spend time together after she's done working, often to have her come home, eat dinner, shower, and fall asleep.

 

We had a bit of a fight (or maybe more of a discussion) about it today, that I felt went well, all things considered. She claims she "didn't know" that she was doing this and how much it bothered me. She said her brain was stuck in the mode of not paying attention to each other, and she'll have to "get used to" spending more time together. While I admit it was my fault that things ended up that way to begin with, that still hurt me - she's my wife, she should want to spend time with me, not feel like it's something that she has to get used to doing. She claims that's not how she meant it, but I'm not sure.

 

Another thing she did that really bothered me is when I wanted to have another date night with her, she told me I should save my money. She told me that buying her something she wanted at the time was more important to her than a date. I was really hurt by this comment, but let it go until it came up again today. She claims she wasn't used to me wanting to do things for (or with) her (which I can kind of understand, there was a time not too long ago when I'd have rather sat on the couch or at the computer and done nothing than *gasp* go on a date with my wife), and didn't think I'd care if she wanted something else instead. I told her I felt rejected and she said she could understand that. The conversation ended with her admitting she hasn't done a very good job working with what I've given her in my own attempt to fix our marriage, and the two of us sharing a hug and a kiss before he had to go to work.

 

I really want to be happy and think this is the start of the two of us (and not just me) actually working to repair our marriage. Part of me feels really bad though, like she's happy with the status quo and I shouldn't be making her change, which in turn leads to thoughts that at this stage in our life, our views on what we want out of a relationship just aren't compatible. The cynical part of me thinks, but doesn't seriously believe, that she's making some sort of passive-aggressive attempt to get me to feel bad for this. I don't want to feel like I'm imposing on my own wife for wanting to do relationship-type things with her, but she kind of made me feel that way, at the same time she told me she'd work on being more involved.

Edited May 29, 2015 by Syberia

[oldshirt]

A couple different things may be at play here.

 

One is women often have what is called "responsive desire" which means that they tend to follow and play off of the man's lead. (This is assuming a baseline amount of respect and attraction for him. No respect or attraction, no responsive desire)

 

As she did seem to respond somewhat positively to your changes, it shows she does have some responsive desire (some women shove back and get worse when men make positive changes)

 

The catch here is you can't be a good guy for a month and it flips a switch and you can go back to your old ways either. It has to be ongoing and essentially permanent.

 

Another thing that comes to mind is you may have different "Love Languages."

 

Look that up if you are not familiar with it. In a nutshell, everyone has something in their mind that their spouse must do for the m to feel loved and appreciated.

 

The problem is we tend to do for our partner what we would want to feel loved and that is not always what THEY want or need to feel loved and appreciated.

 

Your love language definately sounds like you need quality time together. Hers may be something completely different. The fact that she wanted something else may indicate her love language is gifts.

 

I suggest you read the book "The Five Love Languages" together and take their test and see if you may perhaps have different Love languages and if so, if you change how you express love and appreciation to each other, it may help a lot.

[Syberia]

Her love language is, ironically, quality time. Which is exactly what she's pushing me away from. I have not consciously reverted back, if I am, it's because she is once again pushing me away.