MM1234 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 This is going to be long, so I apologize in advance. I feel like I have to start from the very beginning to give everyone a clear picture. I have been married to my DH since June of 2009. Before we got married, he showed some red flags (trust issues, controlling, jealousy issues, alcohol). However, I minimized them in my head & made myself believe that they weren't a big deal & we could work through that. A month before we got married, he officially moved in with me in my house. It seemed like immediately after getting married, my DH became a monster (or rebellious teenager - take your pick). He was staying out all night with friends drinking & not coming home until early afternoon the next day. He was averaging several of those types of nights a month. He also had inappropriate friendships (aka emotional affairs) with 3 females that I know about (one of them had sexted him to boot!). He would scour Craigslist ads for women looking for sexual encounters & he would have the gall to respond to the ad! (don't know if he ever met up with them, didn't find any evidence but doesn't mean it didn't happen) He had an active profile on "Adult Friend Finder" that I found out about. Not to mention the horrible verbal & emotional abuse he put me through. Fast forward to now.....my DH doesn't do any of those things that I mentioned above (with the exception of drinking, he still drinks heavily but at home now). Once he stopped hanging out with those toxic friends he had before, he stopped the all night bingeing. But now I am resentful as hell, emotionally checked out, & have become passive aggressive. Last week, I told my DH what is going on with me. I told him about how I have checked out emotionally, how sex is hard for me because of how resentful I am, & that I don't put his needs as a priority since mine never were a priority of his. He was surprisingly receptive & told me he is willing to read some relationship books with me but doesn't believe in counseling. A part of me wants to work on our marriage for our sake & our daughter's sake (she is 4 years old). Another part of me just wants a divorce. So I bought the book "Love Busters" & it just came in the mail over the weekend. How does one read a book with another person? Are there other books we need to look at? This is seriously a last ditch effort for me.....If this doesn't work, I'm walking out of this marriage with our daughter. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 You read a book with another person in a variety of ways: You buy 2 copies & read simultaneously. You read cover to cover, then he does. You read a chapter then he does & you talk about each chapter. You work with a marriage counselor. However you read it, you have to talk about what you both learn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MM1234 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 You read a chapter then he does & you talk about each chapter. I think this is the avenue I am going to take. My DH doesn't even read for entertainment, so I am not fully convinced he is going to take this serious. But I am trying to be optimistic considering he wasn't even open to reading relationship books until I told him I was on the verge of walking out (figuratively). Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Seems like he's taken you seriously and it's good that you are communicating well. It's hard when you've checked out emotionally, but the suggestion of reading a chapter at a time is good. I would also ensure you have some uninterrupted time to discuss what you've read, when you're both calm and stress free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 You read a chapter then he does & you talk about each chapter. I think this is the avenue I am going to take. My DH doesn't even read for entertainment, so I am not fully convinced he is going to take this serious. But I am trying to be optimistic considering he wasn't even open to reading relationship books until I told him I was on the verge of walking out (figuratively). I also feel this is the best approach including an agreement you don't start the next chapter until both of you have had all questions/concerns/issues addressed. You'll know very early on whether he's trying or just going through the motions. I'd tell him in advance this isn't just an intellectual exercise, it's a last ditch effort to save your marriage. And since you're committed, success/failure rests on his shoulders... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MM1234 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 Sandylee1: I broke down & told him everything last week when we had a rare opportunity to be alone in the car together. It was hard for me to say it, but when I started the flood gates opened! Mr. Lucky: Thanks for your feedback. Today, I emailed my DH 2 letters that I wrote earlier this year but I never gave to him. I told my DH in the email that I wanted him to fully understand & know where I am emotionally. In both of those letters I outlined in detail everything I was resentful about & that I wanted a divorce. So I am hoping that my DH fully understands that this is for real. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 best of luck... reading and discussing a book can be a good thing. I do that with my SO every other day or so. I read to her and she listens and we discuss the book as we go. Book is 5 Love Languages... good book for relationships. We do that in a place without interruption. Ofter in a boat on the water, very relaxing and romantic, and gives us quality time. However, he has to make some commitment to making it work, and long term. Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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