My Rollercoaster of a marriage so far

[Maybeoneday11]

Hello everyone,

 

Before I get started, I'll give some background. I met my wife my junior year of high school when I was 17. We are now both 21 (she will be 22 in July). There have been mistakes made on both sides. I will admit to mine later on. Looking back, while realizing how short of a time span it has been, I can see them much more clearly now. I also realize that we are both young. No excuse for my behavior, but it is indeed a factor that has to be included. I am prepared for any negative comments, so don't hold your thoughts back. We really want to know what you guys think.

 

So we met in HS. We start "going out". I moved out of my Dad's house right before my senior year,(Dad gave ultimatum of: Work for my company or get out) and ,mistake number 1, in with my GF of less than a year. She too had recently been kicked out for dating me. I heard it all through facetime :/ I was 17 at the time. That is when problems started. She irritable 80% of our time together. We were broke and spent most of our time away from each other anyways (school and work for me and work for her), so with that factored in, it seemed like all of the time. I can't blame her for that. It is pretty ****ty being on your own when you aren't ready to be. Mistake 2 - Neither of us understood how much of a strain our finances were putting on our relationship. The real problem was hiding in plain sight. But because we both failed to realize this, I ONLY focused on how she chose to express her feelings. She became frustrated very easily whenever a problem such as a new bill or any talk about feelings came up. Sarcasm and attitudes followed soon after. I don't do well with attitudes. I see no point in having them, especially when the other person is trying to work with you. I made it a point to make sure she knew I was on her side. Of course after all of the nasty things were said. I expressed to her exactly how she made me feel. I told her that she just needs to talk to me and we can solve any problem that comes our way. Oh the irony.. I also told her that I will not condone her behavior towards me. "Do unto others as you want done unto you". It always worked for 2-3 days max, then she'd be back to her attitudes. At the time I couldn't understand why she was like this. I treated her with respect and love (what my understanding of what love was ). I asked her so many times to just talk to me. I always got those default answers like "I'm having a bad day" or "Nothing" or "I don't know". Mistake number 3: I rewarded her for bad behavior with orgasms (and no she wasn't faking ). When we had sex, which was almost every day, she was always sweet as pie for a few hours or she went to sleep. Once that orgasm wore off, it was back to the irritability and attitude. I thought that if I satisfied her sexually, she would be happier towards me. The exact opposite became reality.

 

Mistake 4: I got married to her in hopes that she would realize my commitment to her. I loved her then. The infatuation was gone. I had maintained a 4.0 GPA and worked at Sprint since before I got kicked out, yet I felt like the biggest failure. I was desperate for a break with her. I both selfishly and unselfishly proposed to her. I just knew this would work! Same failure as before. To make things even harder, 4 days after we were married, we find out my daughter was on her way. By this time, our finances had greatly improved and I had forgiven her and let go of my budding resentment from her verbal beat downs. The baby became my number 1 focus. I picked up a night shift job at Walmart to bring in more income for the baby. I didn't know what we would need or how much it would be, but I knew it was our responsibility to provide. Because of my good grades, and given situation, my teachers worked with me and allowed me to start completing my work in packet form. (If it wasn't for them helping me out then, I wouldn't be working on a computer engineering degree now) As time went on, my now wife's emotions were all over the place. I dealt with it. I talked to her when I could but it only got worse. She became physical with me at 2 months into her pregnancy. This was really bad for me since I was abused as a kid. I tried to reason with her but nothing worked. I didn't have anyone to talk to. I looked online, but the advice said to just leave. I didn't have the money to get my own place!! I was stuck... literally stuck. I saw no way out of the relationship. I was not going to abandon my baby, but I wanted out of the relationship. I expressed this to her as well. No dice.

 

The police came to our apt 4 times before I was arrested. Why did they come and was I arrested? My wife was screaming, throwing things and when I tried to calm her down she would scream and say "Get off of me!!" The tenants below us would call the police. I don't blame them at all. The police would come in and look at everything and tried to find a reason to haul my ass away. Three times they came. Same story every time. I finally asked: So if she is the one hitting me and causing these problems, what happens to her? You always come in here automatically making me the criminal. I am clearly not the cause. I am the only one with bruises and she admits to everything. What is her consequence?" At this time her belly had not grown very much so no one knew she was pregnant. I was shocked when he said "Come on. Really dude? She can stay at her mom's house or something." At that point I realized how ****ed I really was. Same cops every damn time. The fourth time they came, we had just gone food shopping. She hadn't eaten for a few hours so once I got everything upstairs, I tried to help her figure out what she wanted to eat since the whole way home, she was rudely complaining about being hungry. She bursts into a frenzy and begins throwing dishes and food all over the place. Police come again.. They come in and see the place a mess again, and a cut on my neck from where she scratched me. I was sitting down when the officer grabbed me to throw me down on the floor. I resisted his attempts and said loudly, "I have done nothing wrong! Why am I under arrest??" 6 cops and a taser later they finally got my arms from underneath me. I spent the night in jail. Luckily for me, the charges of Resisting arrest and interfering with an arresting officer were dropped. I felt like the biggest puss ever. I get beat up by my wife, and I don't have enough money to leave. We both could not afford our own place at the time. I had no one to turn to. She stopped acting out after that, but she still would hit me and talk down to me.

 

Baby was born!! Healthy as can be 8 lb 6 oz too! I had grown to hate my wife. it was less than a week after we were home before she tried to hit me again. I warned her that I would not hold back anymore. The fear of losing the baby was gone. She slapped me really hard.. 2 mistakes up next. Mistakes 4 and 5: I allowed someone to change my values and even worse... I hit a woman. I hit her so hard that I had knocked her out. I panicked. I made sure she was breathing, picked her up and put her on the bed. Baby was asleep in her bouncer.. I feel so ashamed about what I have done. What if she had seen that? It got worse as she kept hitting me.

 

Tax time had come and I had a plan! I took 1K and gave her the rest. I packed my things in my car and got my own place finally. I told her that we needed to separate and I needed space from her. We both agreed on equal time with the baby, as well as family time for the sake of our baby. Yeah right. I fell into the trap and tried to play the whole we can still contact each other with things outside of the baby's needs and have sex but we are not together. BS. That only confused us more. I rebounded and had sex with a girl with no ties. She rebounded and had sex with a guy then fell in love. I didn't find out until we were trying to work all out and give it a chance. I had moved back in and everything. I felt like such on idiot.. It took me a long time to get over the feeling of betrayal. It feels like I was cheated on yet we were separated by my own choice! My own feeling made no sense. Plus it made me question myself. How can I be so hypocritical?? I realized then that I was replaceable. Ego shot down at that point.

 

She stopped seeing him (but I will never know when it REALLY ended since she was "in love" with him) and we started to try to rebuild. The hitting was gone. She told me she was tired of getting beat up after she hit me and finally learned her lesson. Made me feel like ****, that one. At least that was over. At first it seemed hopeless. She even engaged in light flirty conversation with a co worker. This hurt because this time, there was no way she could blame me. In a way she cheated on me. yeah nothing happened. But the emotional side was involved. Her reason: "I felt like you pushed me away and I am harboring old feeling of the past. Look at what you did to me." I called BS right there. How can she be resentful towards me when she caused so much? "I admitted I was wrong and apologized long ago. How can you be so self centered that you fail to realize the crucial part you have played in all of this!? You are not a victim.. you were the abuser. I decided enough was enough and treated you how you treated me. No it wasn't right BUT we were both wrong. I owned up to my faults. Be woman enough to own up to yours" The issue was STILL our communication. I communicated everything but she held it in. "If I was pushing you away, why didn't you say anything? If you want to be with me then there is no place for a 3rd" I then explained to her that I know she just wanted the attention from another man because she felt like she could not get that from me. This was when she realized how ****ty it was... how all she had to do was open up to me and receive all of the the love I have to give.

 

Many times we would get into these petty arguments. It seemed like nothing I said changed anything. It was almost like she was doing it on purpose to make me mad so that I would become angry so that she could blame more things on me. I finally found out about Fitness Testing (look it up if you don't know what it is) and how many (NOT all) women test their men regularly as a way to determine if he is a proper mate. Once I applied this new knowledge, I noticed a major change. I stopped arguing. I started to dissect these types of situations much more carefully. Most people have a pattern when they act like this. I knew what hers was. She came at me complaining about how the kitchen is always a mess and that I NEVER clean the dishes. A straight up lie. I went to the sink and pointed out that those were indeed all of HER dishes and if she wants it clean to clean her filth herself. Silence.. and she did it. Then she apologized for her behavior hugged and kissed me, and asked if I wanted to play some Halo 4 with her I was shocked at how well this had worked but of course, kept my cool face on.

 

We have now talked out our past to death. We understand the ins and outs of our relationship problems. Our communication has improved 100 fold and now we talk about everything. Instead of being mean, she actually talks to me. She demonstrates her intelligence through conversation instead of lack of self control and childishness. We still feel hurt about the past, but it is still a process. I still get caught in that loop of thinking. What if this, I should have that. I get angry and jealous all over again. Instead of mistreating her, I talk about my feelings. I had to lead by example and now she does the exact same. We are finally getting to see what it is supposed to be like. We have grown up so much these last 4 years. I can say now that I know I love her. It is a feeling that I couldnt begin to explain. My vocabulary doesn't consist of the words to describe it.. Sorry guys.

 

I have to say that our child, who is now 2 and a half, saved us both. She helped us see the love we had for each other. She forced us to act like adults and be civil towards each other in her presence. Through my faults, I can teach her what I did not learn until later. Core values that she will use for the rest of her life. She helped save us and our relationship.

 

What have we learned in a nutshell?

Communication is ****ing everything.(Both)

Do unto others as you want done unto you. (her)

Problems within a marriage are NOT solved outside of a marriage.(both)

Hitting is not a form of communication with your spouse(Her)

Retaliation of abuse only begets more abuse and pain.(Me)

All relationships must have a foundation(Both)

Do not change who you are to fit someone else.(Me)

Cheating can only be defined within a relationship by the people involved. This, for me, included flirtatious conversation with anyone but me.(Her)

Do not try to fix an issue with even more commitment.(Me)

When communicating, your effectiveness is partly determined by your request and tone in combination with each other. Reasonable request with a reasonable tone. What is reasonable? That is determined by the people in the relationship. (Both)

 

Lastly, I want to say that I still feel absolutely terrible for using my hands to attempt to solve problems in my relationship. There is no excuse and I knew better then as I do now. I'm just glad that we are getting passed all of the **** that filled our world. We caused it all. We survived and are recovering from it all.. together. Wish us luck anyone?

[devilish innocent]

All I can say is that I hope you really have made some very drastic changes. The relationship you described is one that is really unhealthy for your child. If those things are ongoing, it's better to separate for good. This time with no contact other than what's necessary for your child.

 

I feel bad because the adults in your life failed you. You guys had no business living together, having a baby, getting married, at that point in time. That's what led to all of this. But if the parents of 17 year-olds kick them out, how can the 17 year-olds be expected to know any better themselves? I'm glad you're going to college and looking for advice on how to make your life better. I really hope you can turn things around so that your kid can have it better than you did.

[velvette]

I commend you for the insights you have reached so far.

 

 

However, the fact that the two of you have engaged with the police so many times tells me that the threads of abuse run deep in both of your families.

 

 

You need to break that cycle for your own sakes, but also especially for your daughter.

 

 

I think both of you could benefit from individual counseling with someone who specializes in abuse.

 

 

If you cant afford that, then there is tons of material online that you could work through individually and jointly. I recommend books by Patricia Evans. They are written primarily from the perspective of male on female abuse, but the principles are the same whoever is doing the abuse.

 

 

In the meantime, you need some iron clad rules that you both follow when/if you feel the urge to become abusive. Like one of you leaving while you both calm down with the understanding that you will come back together to discuss the issue when both calm down. Even better if you can manage, take a walk together to burn off the anger/rage and then come back to the issue.

 

 

I would also recommend books by Dr. Willard Harley, especially His Needs, Her Needs which will allow you both to explore what you need from each other and your marriage and show you how to meet each others needs. This will reduce each of your level of frustration/hurt which is usually what is underneath the anger and in your case possibly rage that leads to the desire to hurt each other.

 

 

When changing bad behavior/adopting new behavior, its important to have rules and to reinforce each others attempts to change in a positive way. Maybe it would be helpful to discuss this with each other. For example, walking away, tabling the discussion when one or both is angry with an agreement to come back to it at a specific time. Or, learning to ask yourself, is this really what I want to do? Do I want to be right.? or do I want to be happy? Having a rule that whatever is going on you agree to be kind to each other. Learning to help each other not step into the anger trap...maybe by asking do we really want to go there or saying I don't want to fight with you. Examples, make up your own rules that are useful.

 

 

Beyond that though, you need to understand the dynamics at play and that is where therapy or reading on abuse and how to have a successful marriage will be useful to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Doesn't seem as though you're looking for advice or feedback so I'll just wish you luck as requested. Hope you continue with your education and your wife has a chance to resume hers...

 

Mr. Lucky