Trying to be supportive... but burning out

[EasternRoman]

I've completed my PhD about half a year ago we moved to the other coast as I started a postdoc. My wife moved with me and has been finishing up writing her own PhD which she just defended last week. My wife hasn't been getting a stipend this past year, and my postdoc stipend is just enough for us to get by in this high-cost area.

 

She's been applying to academic positions for the past year and, unfortunately, nothing has worked out so far. She's had one very encouraging campus visit but she just found out after defending her PhD that she wasn't selected for it. At this point we're looking at continuing her academic search after her PhD now ended; the uncertainty and negative responses have really been starting to take a toll on her. She's in a humanities field in which there's little funding and few job postings, so I understand it's a really bad situation for her. By comparison, the postdoc position I wanted I got on my first try -- I get it, there's more funding in my field and I had it easy, and I'm afraid that this comparison is making her feel even worse (but at the same time, if I didn't have my postdoc position we wouldn't have anything right now so... I think it's a good thing I have something; I wish she could see it more like that as well).

 

The problem is this has been an extremely stressful period and I'm reaching a breaking point just when I feel like I need to be the most supportive. On my part, finishing up my PhD was incredibly stressful. Starting my new postdoc has been even more stressful. And every day when I come home there's a lot of negativity. Basically I feel like I never have any space to recover and I'm quickly burning out. And I'm afraid I feel like I'm becoming less and less supportive of my wife's feelings at the same time.

 

I'm ashamed to say this, but for the last week and a half while she's been away to defend her dissertation is the best that I've felt the last few months. It's made me realize I need to do something different.

 

I'm wondering if there are strategies people can suggest that I could employ to be as helpful and supportive for my wife, while at the same time not burning myself out and giving myself more space. For example, what can I do or say when she feels despondent about the bad news about this position -- there was one position nearly a year ago now that she applied for that we (and her committee) thought she was perfectly suited for but she didn't get it and I feel like that's still lingering over her and she's harbouring a lot of negative feeling about that even now. I'm afraid the latest bad news might be too much for her.

Edited May 21, 2015 by EasternRoman

[Popsicle]

I hear you. I wouldn't be good at all in dealing with a partner who was negative all the time. I dealt with xH doing that in my prior marriage and it drained me.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't say anything, but you should probably mentally prepare yourself for her to find a job in a different location and then want to move there. Maybe you should let her go then.

[beatcuff]

It's made me realize I need to do something different.

 

I'm wondering if there are strategies people can suggest that I could employ to be as helpful and supportive for my wife...

 

for you --- do something physical before going home. it will burn off the stress. the gym is ok but teams sports are better because your mind can not wander, you are either in or getting ready to get back in the game. i assume with all this phd stuff your physical ability maybe lacking. that should not stop you. there are leagues for all abilities, you have to look. i had a friend join a kick ball league.

 

for her/M --- you need to reset. so STOP, relax take a break/vacation. it can be just to the beach or the mountains even for the day: one rule no shop talk. play 'slug bug'/'punch buggie' (better to replace the slug with a kiss) on the way. of course it is stupid and simple but sometimes that is all that is needed.

 

sometimes even an hour a day or a day a week is enough to regroup.

 

good luck.

[EasternRoman]

@popsicle, well I suppose that is technically a coping strategy but not exactly along the lines that I was thinking about.

 

@beatcuff, thanks that's very helpful. Two months, I have actually started swimming every other day and it's been helping some with stress relief. I wasn't that in-shape for playing soccer, but maybe I'll give that a try again. I'll try to suggest to my wife some reset activities as well -- now that she's away and with a change of scenery and regular meeting with friends in her department from what I gather on the phone she sounds better as well.

[Hawaii51]

You need this thing called a "Vacation." Your wife needs the same thing.

 

-Consider this a script.