ChroniUnemployed H wants me to buy him a truck: am I selfish to say no?

[starglider]

I need a reality check here about a money conflict with my H.

 

Back story

Before we opened our new brick and mortar business, I had been the exclusive bread-earner as a freelance consultant for the past 9 years while he has been the stay home Dad and was suffering from depression, refusing to get a part time job despite my requests. I see now I’m codependent with him, enabling his underachieving and addiction, and am trying to stop. He is taking anti-depressants and is trying to step up, but we’re fighting non-stop now.

 

I set up and financed the business so our daughter would see her father working, but never did the business plan where he’d likely make a real living wage in it, only to break even with some profit. This was stupid of me. I assumed I’d still be the primary bread earner with my other freelance work, but at least he wouldn’t be depressed at home, smoking pot all day.

 

 

BUT after we opened the new business, I felt trapped in this arrangement. Tired from working so hard, distant from him emotionally, worried that my freelance work is drying up, upset he isn’t stepping up enough to run this business, and concerned that he’ll likely be a chronic pot smoker for life.

 

[During the stress of opening, we both had EAs. He’s still involved in his, mine is over and I’m in IC. We may be headed toward a D but we need to keep our new business going 2-4 years to recoop the investment.]

 

I’ve been urging him to get another PT job to bring in income while we split up shifts at the business. So he decided to start doing landscaping work, for barter, (with his EA partner!). But he wants $10,000 for a new truck he could use both landscaping and for our business. I refuse to spend more money when the goal of him working is to bring in money.

 

He wants me to sell my semi-luxury 7 passenger car so we’d have money for his truck and then a compact car for me. Yes, my car isn’t fuel efficient, but I am upset that he wants me to give up something I worked so hard for during the tough years of our marriage so he can have his truck. To bring himself up, why must he bring me down? My vehicle is my social life – when H is smoking pot at home, uninterested in family recreation with daughter and me, I’m going on fun excursions with friends and their kids in the car. It has kept me sane to have this nice, large car.

 

He says I’m selfish for not trading in an oversized gas guzzler during financial difficulties. I’d rather have him start bringing home a pay check (not bartering his labor), than to trade in the car. It feels like entitlement on his part, but then again, maybe he’s right and this is the smart thing to do, and maybe I'm the one acting entitled. Maybe I am being selfish and controlling to not do it. Codependents can be too controlling, and I can see my tendency there.

 

Any thoughts? Thanks

[whichwayisup]

He doesn't need a truck. For what use? He's depressed, smoking pot, still having an EA!!! No way should you buy him a truck. Your vehicle is useful for the kids and their friends, going on outings etc. Put your foot down and make the decision NOT to buy him a new truck. If he wants one, he can work for it. It's that simple.

 

Don't let him guilt you into it. Stand strong!

[WonderWoman911]

I don't think you're being selfish at all if you choose not to sell YOUR car in order for him to get his truck. Whatever he's smoking really has his mind messed up. He's not working AT ALL! Who's going to make the payments,insurance, maintenance, gas, etc.... YOU! He wants $10,000!!! Yeah right! Smh...You're working too hard for him to continuously reap the benefits with NO care in the world! He says he's going to work with his partner, but who's to say he won't quit one day out of the blue and then YOU'RE stuck with another expense! Let HIM get HIS own truck.

[OldLady]

Don't enable him anymore or allow him to make you feel guilty. The behavior hasn't changed has it?

[CrystalCastles]

He wants a truck?

 

He can get up off his lazy arse, get a job and buy his own damn truck.

 

You've been the one busting your balls working, since when does he get to have a say in whether you should sell your car or not? Smh.

[Mr. Lucky]

You've been the one busting your balls working, since when does he get to have a say in whether you should sell your car or not? Smh.

 

OP, kind of plays to the heart of your dilemma. Were you involved in a marriage of equals, you'd both have a say in it.

 

Since you're not, he doesn't. But the real issue is certainly bigger than the type of car you'll drive. Why be married to a man you don't even trust to vote on basic transportation ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Your not being selfish at all. He's lazy and I do not tolerate that at all. You've already done way more than I would. He needs to pull his weight and actually work.

 

Plus he wants to go into business with his AP. He must really think you're a fool. Unless he's thousands of miles away from the OW, are you sure it's not a PA?

[starglider]

Thank you all for your replies! He was attempting to make me feel guilty and spoiled for driving my car and not being a team player by trading it in for vehicles we'd both benefit from. I was thrown for a loop and really appreciate your comments for me to stick to my guns - no trade in for his desired truck.

 

Were you involved in a marriage of equals, you'd both have a say in it.

 

Since you're not, he doesn't.

 

Mr. Lucky, this is really the core issue, yes! We aren't a marriage of equals. This is the malady of codependent relationships. I recognize it and he does too.

 

My response: I'm trying to detach so he can start standing on his own two feet. At that point maybe we can transform into a marriage of functioning equals. His response, play on my codependent sense of guilt over our inequality to perpetuate our unhealthy relationship.

 

Yes, divorce may be in our future. I've already spoken to a lawyer. My therapist urges me to keep working on my self to get stronger as divorce will be a big fight and I'm a conflict-avoider.

[starglider]

Plus he wants to go into business with his AP. He must really think you're a fool. Unless he's thousands of miles away from the OW, are you sure it's not a PA?

 

SandyLee, yes this part of the scenario is awful too. He's been so socially isolated from the depression and pot smoking, that this woman is the first friend he has had in literally years (my friends he'll interact with as aquantances). She is not my first choice as a friend for him - she is a pot smoker too, bi-sexual woman who once was married to a man, now coming off of a 20 year relationship with a woman. She loves her power over him, saying things like "he'll do anything I say." But he has been in such a bad place that I've been concerned he could be suicidal. So having someone he can turn to while I detach is a relief ... even if it is has crossed into a PA. (He and I aren't having sex so I don't worry about STDs. I'll make him get tested if we resume a sexual relationship).

 

I was enmeshed in my own EA and know the addiction of it and know it is a fantasy escape from your own reality. I've fought hard to get through mine and I know what a tough road is ahead for him if and when he gives up the coping tool/crutch in the form of another human being.

 

The fact that he is taking anti-depressants is the only reason I'm hanging in there. I really need him to do IC next.

 

I do believe in the "imago" theory of relationships that if we marry for love, we magically pick the person who has the potential to help us heal from our past and grow. I'm doing my own work to heal and grow and I'll give him a little more time to see if he responds to my own shift and follows himself.

 

If not, I will end this marriage. And I'll know I gave it my 100% for the sake of my self, my H, and our daughter.

[elaine567]

She is not my first choice as a friend for him - she is a pot smoker too, bi-sexual woman who once was married to a man, now coming off of a 20 year relationship with a woman. She loves her power over him, saying things like "he'll do anything I say."

 

The fact that he is taking anti-depressants is the only reason I'm hanging in there. I really need him to do IC next.

 

I do believe in the "imago" theory of relationships that if we marry for love, we magically pick the person who has the potential to help us heal from our past and grow. I'm doing my own work to heal and grow and I'll give him a little more time to see if he responds to my own shift and follows himself.

 

If not, I will end this marriage. And I'll know I gave it my 100% for the sake of my self, my H, and our daughter.

 

It is sad that you seems so far apart as a couple, but you need to be in survival mode here, for you and your daughter.

 

I think the truck is not a good idea on many levels.

 

1) It impacts on you and your daughter's life.

2) He is in a "partnership" with another women, who feels she can control him. She could say "Lets sell the truck and use the money to move in together..."

3) He acts like a child and doesn't appear to know the value of earning money, so handing him a truck at your expense is not sensible. What do you get back as recompense for doing that? Will the truck pay for itself in a short time period? Would it be a sensible business decision on your part?

4) He is a pot smoker and is on antidepressants, both can affect driving and as a side comment, if he is on antidepressants, he should not be on cannabis as well.

As both he and his gf are chronic pot users who would do the driving?

 

You need to stop thinking about him and start thinking of your daughter here. He is an adult he should be taking care of himself, she is just a child and needs looking after. Her emotional well being is at stake here.

Seeing her parents fighting non stop and sensing the tension in the air when you are not fighting, is very very bad for your daughter.

 

Forget the "imago" garbage.

Make the peace for your daughter's sake and if no peace is to be found, then just up and leave.

Sounds like he is just a mill stone around your neck anyway.

Enabling him is doing no-one any good here, if you leave him to it, it may be the very shake up he needs.

[loveweary11]

Wait... he wants you to fund a landscaping business he is doing with his side chick by buying the truck???

 

Really???

 

This guy has balls of steel. I've never met a woman that would put up with that sort of thing. Wow.

 

Of course the answer is no!

[Clarence_Boddicker]

No truck. He's an adult. If he wants it, he can buy it himself.

 

 

Does he expose your daughter to his pot use in any way?

[starglider]

No, he hasn't exposed her to his pot smoking. But she is a smart 9 year old and will probably figure it out soon enough.

 

He manages to keep things together enough to do the household shopping, laundry, some cooking, some cleaning, make our daughter lunch before school, and do some of the driving for her. But he doesn't do family recreation stuff and only marginally keeps the household going (like washes clothes but doesn't fold them so we live out of laundry baskets). His refrain is always "it is not like I do nothing here. I work at our home so you can do your work."

 

He's adoped the role of house husband even though for years I've said that I'd prefer to hire help for cleaning etc and have him be employed.

 

The arguing has escalated in the past week or so. His perspective of our problems seems so distorted to me. Me wanting him to bring in an income turns into "all you care about is money." Me not wanting to trade in my car turns into "you are selfish and spoiled for driving around a $45,000 gas guzzler." Me saying there is a serious power imbalance in our relationship and I need him to step up more turns into "you are controlling and don't treat me as an equal." Me wanting him to consider quitting pot because he's become anti-social and passive turns into "you need to quit eating white flour and sugar ... that's your addiction" (I'm the same weight I was when we married). Me complaining about our lack of intimacy/sex turns into "you rejected me before" (one night years ago when he relapsed and did cocain that evening).

 

So now I've realized we need a full, formal, 3 month separation with MC and both of us doing IC. I'll quit cigarettes (I started smoking several months ago due to the stress) and expect him to quit pot. I'll give him that time to see if he can face his own problems while I work on my issues. If it doesn't improve, then divorce.

[sandylee1]

Divorce would be quite expensive for you right now, so I can understand why you need him to be financially independent. Your daughter is in school, so there should have been nothing stopping him from getting a part time job at least.

 

TBH the way you initially described him, I'm surprised he actual does the household chores to the degree he does. Still, it's not good enough. I was only ever not working during maternity leave and apart from being financially independent, I didn't want my kids, especially my daughters to see a woman's role as only being in the home.

 

Most men want to support and protect their family, so this dynamic just throws me. Personally, I didn't get an undergraduate and postgraduate degree to stay home doing housework.

 

Star ' seems you have a plan. Stay strong and always keep aside some funds in your own account. A wise old lady said this at my bachelorette party.

[Akashsingh]

You can tell him to open up his own business and get the truck on loan in the name of his business. That way if you separate, ultimately, which I gather is the plan from your other post, he is stuck with the loan payments. You can have your car and he can have his truck that way and he knows he is on the hook to pay it off. I would not spend my own money to get him what he wants. Clearly he is financially irresponsible. You can tell him this way, "if you are serious about making money, why dont you buy the truck on payments"

 

The payments will hold him accountable.

[Akashsingh]

My brothers wife is a dentist and she wants to pursue higher education but she hasn't had a real job or earned wages as a dentist yet. They asked me for advise on how to pay dental college fees of 200K. I said you could pay 50K from your spare savings and let her take a loan of 150K. Once the student loan hangs over her head, she will work her ass off and they dont need to drain their bank account. If she really wants the education, she can take financial responsibility for it. It was an open conversation and in front of her. They dont hate me for giving this advice. Its about protecting ones financial future, in the event of separation while that not being the plan.

[Akashsingh]

No, he hasn't exposed her to his pot smoking. But she is a smart 9 year old and will probably figure it out soon enough.

 

He manages to keep things together enough to do the household shopping, laundry, some cooking, some cleaning, make our daughter lunch before school, and do some of the driving for her. But he doesn't do family recreation stuff and only marginally keeps the household going (like washes clothes but doesn't fold them so we live out of laundry baskets). His refrain is always "it is not like I do nothing here. I work at our home so you can do your work."

 

He's adoped the role of house husband even though for years I've said that I'd prefer to hire help for cleaning etc and have him be employed.

 

The arguing has escalated in the past week or so. His perspective of our problems seems so distorted to me. Me wanting him to bring in an income turns into "all you care about is money." Me not wanting to trade in my car turns into "you are selfish and spoiled for driving around a $45,000 gas guzzler." Me saying there is a serious power imbalance in our relationship and I need him to step up more turns into "you are controlling and don't treat me as an equal." Me wanting him to consider quitting pot because he's become anti-social and passive turns into "you need to quit eating white flour and sugar ... that's your addiction" (I'm the same weight I was when we married). Me complaining about our lack of intimacy/sex turns into "you rejected me before" (one night years ago when he relapsed and did cocain that evening).

 

So now I've realized we need a full, formal, 3 month separation with MC and both of us doing IC. I'll quit cigarettes (I started smoking several months ago due to the stress) and expect him to quit pot. I'll give him that time to see if he can face his own problems while I work on my issues. If it doesn't improve, then divorce.

 

3 months is not going to be enough. You need years. maybe 3 years. I just want to set right expectations with you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you all for your replies! He was attempting to make me feel guilty and spoiled for driving my car and not being a team player by trading it in for vehicles we'd both benefit from. I was thrown for a loop and really appreciate your comments for me to stick to my guns - no trade in for his desired truck.

 

 

 

Mr. Lucky, this is really the core issue, yes! We aren't a marriage of equals. This is the malady of codependent relationships. I recognize it and he does too.

 

My response: I'm trying to detach so he can start standing on his own two feet. At that point maybe we can transform into a marriage of functioning equals. His response, play on my codependent sense of guilt over our inequality to perpetuate our unhealthy relationship.

 

Yes, divorce may be in our future. I've already spoken to a lawyer. My therapist urges me to keep working on my self to get stronger as divorce will be a big fight and I'm a conflict-avoider.

 

For the love of........

 

Don't argue about the truck vs. not truck.

 

You know why?

 

Because he's a chronic pot-smoker having an EA and you are trying to get him to work.

 

He doesn't want to.

He doesn't want to "husband."

 

He wants you to buy him a truck.

 

Just like my husband, who doesn't want to "husband" and who left our family weeks ago, hasn't sent any support money for our daughter for close to a month. And before that it was $50. In one month.

 

He wants me to get him a new phone. His is "acting up."

 

Really? My empty refrigerator is acting up too. Guess what is going to win.

 

You might be headed towards a D?

 

Doesn't sound like it. Because you aren't taking him to task on all of the things I can't take my "husband" to task on. It sounds like you may or may not buy him that truck.

 

If you do:

you will resent him for it and see another waste of money and opportunity

 

If you don't:

he will resent you and whine to you like you are his mother.

 

Guess you need to pick whether it's him or you.

And for a long time it's been him. How's that working out for you?

[autumnnight]

OP, kind of plays to the heart of your dilemma. Were you involved in a marriage of equals, you'd both have a say in it.

 

Since you're not, he doesn't. But the real issue is certainly bigger than the type of car you'll drive. Why be married to a man you don't even trust to vote on basic transportation ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Um...perhaps she would trust him if he were actually trustworthy....

 

OP, this man is lazy, he's cheating, and he is using drugs while caring for your daughter. No WAY should you ditch your car to get him a truck. And no way would anyone with a brain actually defend this husband and his behavior.

 

Time for him to step up.

 

I am blown away

[starglider]

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate the reality check on it.

 

I won't back down on this. I'll start standing strong. No truck.

 

His terrible reaction at me not caving in has been the confirmation I need to properly plan and do a true separation.

[beach]

You said in your history from last month that you are separated from your H. You've been interested in another man, too - for a long while.

 

Can you please be specific about what's going on?

 

You offered your H an open M...

 

 

If you don't intend to work at the M what's the goal?

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate the reality check on it.

 

I won't back down on this. I'll start standing strong. No truck.

 

His terrible reaction at me not caving in has been the confirmation I need to properly plan and do a true separation.

 

It doesn't take as much planning as you think.

 

It really doesn't.

 

And it will happen eventually anyway.

 

As soon as he can't control the situation with you, he'll pull out into a situation that has a "lower common level."

[starglider]

Beach,

 

Yes, past history was an EA with another MM. MM went NC on me and this was tough and confusing as I grieved the loss of his company.

 

At first I tried to reconnect to my H and told him about my emotional connection to MM. Husband didn't feel threatened by MM at first. Then he alternated between be jealous of him and trying to offer me up to MM (he told my girl friends I should sleep with him if I wanted to and eventually my H rehired him to work for us for a brief project, but then other times he said he wanted to punch him in the face). H also suggested we have an open marriage "for my [OP's] sake" due to the lack of intimacy on my H's part. In retrospect, I was pretty insulted by this suggestion.

 

During my grieving process over EA, while still in NC with MM, I realized my sadness was displaced and I had long been in denial over my unhealthy codependent marriage. I went away to a conference and cried the whole plane ride over and during every conference break realizing I no longer wanted to be married to my H.

 

It was then that MM and I broke NC and he cycled back into my life as a superhero again, but it was short lived. I learned then that he had been separated from his W the whole 6 weeks of NC, which started a couple of days after I last saw him and we had both said "I love you." Things were sort of intense, but detached with MM and we never talked about past or present feelings for each other. I think I created a fantasy that his and my marriages were crumbling at the same time, independently, and that some day we'd both be free and we'd both start in a new relationship with each other. But we'd have integrity now and do nothing and not talk about our feelings while being married. But the fantasy was short lived as I could tell MM wanted to reconcile with his W even though I was leaning out and wanting to end things with my H. It felt like a second breakup with MM and we went back to LC.

 

So my previous post about being on the verge of separation ended up being an informal separation where H and I occasionally stayed over night at our business or the condo to get some space. I turned it into sleep overs for daughter and her friends, or I'd stay there myself and talk to friends on the phone about M problems. But this was only a couple nights a week. It wasn't really a real separation. I was naive about it. At first I thought I'd want to date others during separation (a couple guys hit on me at the conference so I felt a little boy crazy) but now I'm in deep processing mode and am not interested in other men/dating right now.

 

I've since been in IC and doing a 12 step program for codepedents anonymous. I've felt like I made it through the addiction of my EA and see that through the lens of a midlife crisis. The advice to me has been to work on myself and deal with all of the negative emotions in my life I've pushed down for so long. Once I deal with my emotions and get into a stronger place, then take a look at the marriage. So that is why I want to do a formal separation now, given that our fighting has escalated while I've been detaching through therapy.

 

Interestingly, the MM cycled back into my life at the end of yesterday after I wrote about the truck and separation on LS. This is the third time he has cycled back into my life as he stopped into the business to check in on me. Turns out his reconciliation isn't going well and he wanted to know how things were going in my M. As a result of therapy and letting go of him, I didn't feel that same hook or fantasy future for him I once did. Just saw him as another guy who is going through a tough time in his M in his 40s like we all are. This felt wonderful to know I had moved on from him, when once I had been so consumed with thoughts that he was my rescuer and hero.

 

So that fills in some details to connect my crazy meandering posts during my midlife crisis. Thanks for reading.

[starglider]

You offered your H an open M...

 

No, to clarify, I never offered my H an open-M. He is the one that suggested this for us.

 

As to his current EA, having gone through one myself, I know that it is just another addiction and a way to escape your current reality. The BS can't make it go away. It is something the Wayward has to go through on their own.

 

I could set down the law and insist on no contact between them, but in truth, he doesn't have any other friends up here and while we are going through our crisis in our M, I'd rather know he has someone to talk to and that can hopefully protect him from self-harm. The better solution would be for him to talk with a trained professional, as I eventually did, and this helped me get over my EA.

 

It would hurt me if they crossed the line into a PA. It would hurt our daughter and it would hurt both of them a great deal too. I hope we can all stay grown-up enough to see this M through to a resolution, whatever that is, without physical infidelity.