Stuck again having to make a choice- should it be this difficult?

[carissalime]

It should not be this way. I invite anyone to message me if they have advice they don't wish to share on the forum. I need help. My daughter, who was kicked out from our home nearly a year ago has broken up with her boyfriend and needs to move out. My H will not allow her to return, because of things she did that got her kicked out. He will not make any kind of contact with her to try to make amends, and neither will she. He is her stepfather.

I am stuck between moving out and getting my own place so that she can live with me (she's 19 btw) or staying here with my H and hoping for the best for her. The stress and gray hair on my head tells me I need to take care of her and that my H is being very selfish. But I've read, and some will say to stick by your husband, if your child (adult child) is disrespectful and wont even try to make ammends, she should fend for herself.

I need help. I really do.

[oldshirt]

More details are needed.

 

Why did he kick her out and has she made any changes or amends? Does she have any means of supporting herself?

[CarrieT]

More details are needed.

 

Why did he kick her out and has she made any changes or amends? Does she have any means of supporting herself?

It is all in her last post...

 

And, OP, based on all your previous posts, I would leave your husband and stick with your child.

[MJJean]

Your daughter is an adult now and, IMO, the kindest thing you can do for her is allow her to deal with the consequences of her behavior and actions.

 

She behaved badly, she refused to make amends and show that she has changed ( if she has changed), she is unwelcome at home because of her actions and her behaviors, and she will have to work and pay her bills to live just like the rest of us.

 

I left home at 17. I worked at McDonalds and lived in a poor area while driving a beat up rust bucket. I lived and learned.

 

My own daughter left at 17, came back, left again at 19. With her it was lying, stealing, and general excuse making as to why she couldn't get a job or continue studying for her HS diploma or GED, both of which were required if she wanted to live here. Since she caused such drama and heartache to me, my other 2 kids, and my DH (who is her step-father and raised her since she was 6), she is no longer welcome in our home. She can come to visit, but she can't live here anymore.

 

It hurt at first and I worried myself sick sometimes, but it was the best decision we could make for ourselves, our marriage, and the younger kids. She's "womaned up" and is slowly but surely getting her life on track now.

[MJJean]

It is all in her last post...

 

And, OP, based on all your previous posts, I would leave your husband and stick with your child.

 

The same ADULT who dropped out of school, can't/won't keep a job, has the mouth of a sailor on shore leave, and disrespects the adults who are paying for her to live?

[oldshirt]

Read a couple of your other posts briefly.

 

Your husband sounds like an ass.

 

If he owns the house (ie his name is on the lease/mortgage/deed, then he is in his right to not allow her back if he doesn't want her in the house.

 

That being said though, he sounds like an ass so if you think your daughter is right, do whatever you want.

[MJJean]

ETA

 

Read the other threads. Changing advice to leave BOTH of them. Seriously.

[Syberia]

He is not her biological parent, he shouldn't get to make that decision, especially not by himself. If you're married, it's not "his" house, and anyone who holds that over you is an ass.

Edited April 27, 2015 by Syberia

[carissalime]

She has a part time job but doesn't earn very much, she is attending school full time to work towards her dipolma. She is a good kid, (adult child) - but she lost all respect for her step father because of the things he has said to her in the past. Yes, I agree, if he is on the lease, or paying the bills, (i pay rent, he covers other bills and food) then he has some say as to if she is allowed back in. She has told me that she hates him (for the past)- but he should have ownership in this, as HE is an adult, and married me, knowing I have a child. She is in an abusive sitiuation where she is currently living- my H should want her to be in a safe home.

Selfish?

[MJJean]

He is not her biological parent, he shouldn't get to make that decision, especially not by himself. If you're married, it's not "his" house, and anyone who holds that over you is an ass.

 

I think everyone is forgetting that the "child" is a grown adult.

 

As much as I may dislike the OP's husband based on previous posts I just read, if he's paying the bills he has a right to say who he does and does not want living under his roof.

 

If the OP and her daughter are unhappy with the situation they do have options such as moving into a place of their own that he does not pay for and has no say in who comes and goes.

[todreaminblue]

in the bible it says you should stand by your husband.....but then there's the story about the prodigal son......

 

 

if it were me i would try to talk to my partner and set down ground rules fro the daughter to abide by......

 

when i was a teen.......i was homeless....i stuck it out for a while......and it was horrible ......i begged my parents to come home.......i would have done anything they asked......copped a beating whatever they wanted to do to me...couldnt be worse than homelessness.....

 

i was told you made your bed lie in it......i was seventeen.......

 

i ended up getting raped one night pulled from underneath a bush by my sneakers...... and not long later ......became a hooker who despised males............darkest most haunting period of my life......

 

give yrou daughter a chance to not have dark memories.......set rules stick to them but give her a chance to prove to you she can make ammends....and be forgiving enough to try that.......your husband......let him see it isnt a free ride......your daughter needs help...help her......or you just might create another deb with haunting memories in the world....and there's only room for one.....deb

[MJJean]

She has a part time job but doesn't earn very much, she is attending school full time to work towards her dipolma. She is a good kid, (adult child) - but she lost all respect for her step father because of the things he has said to her in the past. Yes, I agree, if he is on the lease, or paying the bills, (i pay rent, he covers other bills and food) then he has some say as to if she is allowed back in. She has told me that she hates him (for the past)- but he should have ownership in this, as HE is an adult, and married me, knowing I have a child. She is in an abusive sitiuation where she is currently living- my H should want her to be in a safe home.

Selfish?

 

As an adult perhaps the better course of action for her would be to get her GED now, enroll in a community college/voc-tech program part time, and work full time to support herself. Realistically, there isn't much difference between a GED and a diploma and she's already a couple of years behind her peers. If she took the GED test within the next few months and then began a program of useful study this fall she would be much closer to catching up to her peers in terms of where they are in life and be on the road to a career that pays enough for her to be entirely self-sufficient without struggling.

 

Frankly, it doesn't sound like your home is any less abusive and just as unsafe.

 

Of course, since you're renters you could always just leave, get a new rental with your daughter, and call it a day.

[Syberia]

in the bible it says you should stand by your husband

Oh, please. This is 2015, not the dark ages. As a husband and a man, I am offended when someone says something like this, or implies that my wife should somehow be subservient to me because she is a woman.

[todreaminblue]

Oh, please. This is 2015, not the dark ages. As a husband and a man, I am offended when someone says something like this, or implies that my wife should somehow be subservient to me because she is a woman.

 

 

nowhere did i say be subservient...standing by your husband doesnt mean to become a slave......you should realize that in your forward thinking husbandly ways...yes it is 2015....and the divorce rate continues to sky rocket sometimes due to we are not compatible being used......i think that should be written as we decided not to compromise anymore.....stand by your man ....doesnt mean you dont have a voice...and i believe the bible has exactly the right formula for a long and lasting marriage...if you interpret the bible correctly and dont put your own spin on it.....like you did....i stand by what i wrote.......deb

[Syberia]

On as big of an issue as this, when it's not even technically his child but it is hers, I just can't agree with your advice in any form. Even if you're just trying to say to put on a unified front as a couple, that is completely undermined when one party goes and makes such a drastic and unilateral decision without even consulting the other.

 

You're essentially saying, the decision has been made without her input, now she should be supportive of it. That is not conducive to a healthy relationship.

[loveboid]

Could it be that she acts poorly because her step father is abusing her?

 

Does this guy abuse you? Does he control your money, your movements, or your access to anyone else in your family or social circle?

 

I wouldn't let her move in simply because this guy appears to me abusive. I would help set her up in her own place.

 

Otherwise, if she gets desperate she may shack up with the closest available person...and the one most available is often someone no one else wanted--hence the reason they are so conveniently available.

 

BTW: This could be the reason she broke up with boyfriend and now needs a place...she hooked up with the closest breathing guy to get away from her step dad. If that's the case, it'll just be a cycle of her moving out and back. Probably, if she got set up by herself away from her step dad and conveniently available jerk boyfriends she could focus on her education and career better.

Edited April 27, 2015 by loveboid

[todreaminblue]

On as big of an issue as this, when it's not even technically his child but it is hers, I just can't agree with your advice in any form. Even if you're just trying to say to put on a unified front as a couple, that is completely undermined when one party goes and makes such a drastic and unilateral decision without even consulting the other.

 

You're essentially saying, the decision has been made without her input, now she should be supportive of it. That is not conducive to a healthy relationship.

 

if it were me i would try to talk to my partner and set down ground rules for the daughter to abide by......

 

this was part of my original post....or advice ...was to talk together.....unification takes communication.....deb.......

[d0nnivain]

If your daughter has made an effort to change by staying in school & getting a job, as your spouse, I think your husband owes it to you to at least talk with you about what to do next for the daughter. Tough love is a good thing but if your daughter had made real changes, I think that may entitle her to a roof over her head.

 

If your husband won't even discuss the issue or acknowledge your daughter's efforts, he has a problem & you need to take a long hard look at your marriage.

 

If your daughter is allowed to move back in, rules should be discussed in advance and written down with everyone signing them. Rule one must be she stays in school & graduates. Two should probably be that she pays rent. I'm not talking market rent but she needs to contribute. Three must be respect - no screaming hateful things, on either side. Four should probably be chores.

[Mr. Lucky]

If your daughter is allowed to move back in, rules should be discussed in advance and written down with everyone signing them. Rule one must be she stays in school & graduates. Two should probably be that she pays rent. I'm not talking market rent but she needs to contribute. Three must be respect - no screaming hateful things, on either side. Four should probably be chores.

 

Agreed. As someone who has a kid that's struggled in life, your best leverage comes from reinforcing positive behavior. There's a certain stubborn personality type that only learns through mistakes, disasters and f-ups and I'll cut the OP's H some slack because, absent the bond of parental love, I'd have kicked my child out long ago.

 

carissalime, it's unfair and unproductive to expect your H to have the same stake in this you do. As d0nnivain indicates, much compromise and structure would be necessary to make this work. Hope you can pull it off, I can only imagine how tough it is to be in the middle. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OldLady]

There is a such thing as tough love. I haven't read your previous posts so I'm not tainted by them. Your daughter is an adult. You say she hates her stepfather so why would she want to move back? Only you can decide if your marriage is worth it. What about her bio dad? My husband has enabled our younger daughter for years to the point of disabling her. At least that's the way I see things. She is now 31 an immature mess and we have an agreement. She will not return home no matter the situation.

[Lion Heart]

Hi it's a pretty rough situation you're in.

 

My H is also my eldest DD stepfather. I couldn't imagine him neglecting "our DD" as he calls her, from having a safe place to live.

 

All this talk about she's an "adult" - yeah technically she is at 19yo but the day before her 19th birthday she was still a "child". This was only a matter of months ago. She's not 29yo!

 

My H has always known I'll support my DD no matter what. It was stated VERY early on in the relationship. Luckily she's barely needed my support but that's not the case in point.

 

YOUR DD is obviously trying really hard to get her life together. I completely agree with todreaminblue here. This is a real cross road for your DD. I wouldn't abandon her. Her life is in crisis IMHO. I think it's cruel that he seems happy to keep her out. It's not only cruel to DD but YOU his wife!

 

At times like these (only slightly similar) I've put H in my situation. Say he M a stepmother for your children and she was insisting the children stay outside the home, even when they're still very young, very vulnerable but also trying really hard to get things right. What would he do??

 

I know I'd side with my child. You could attend family counselling for this. It's a huge issue. Some schools and colleges offer free counselling of this type. I'd use it!

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[Thicke2013]

Tough situation OP and I'm terribly sorry that you are having to go through it. I have been in a similar situation though not nearly as volatile with a failure to launch step son. He finally moved out last month and is doing great on his own. Finally. I am going to speculate a lot here so if I am completely wrong please disregard and forgive me.

 

 

You have a whole bucket of problems here and as far as I can see it, respectfully, you are the only one who can fix them. Problem one is that you allowed your husband to be verbally abusive to your daughter, his step daughter. That should have never happened. I know that is tough if you don't personally witness it but if I found out that my wife, my children's SM, was being verbally abusive to them she would be kicked out. Not the other way around. That may sound harsh but as you stated, she knew as did your husband when she agreed to marry me that I had children. I would not tolerate her being verbally abusive or abusive in any way to my kids. Period.

 

 

You, I believe anyway, allowed your daughter to walk all over you and your H. I think she was behaving badly, not contributing around the house, causing problems and draining you financially. Your H had enough and kicked her out. You did not set appropriate, age adjusted, boundaries with your daughter. She is not a child, she can't be treated as such. She is your child and always will be so you can help her without enabling her.

 

 

Now my solution. If I were you, I'd first sit down with your H. I would tell him, not ask him, that my daughter was moving back in for a while. A short while. I would discuss with him the boundaries and conditions that I would set on her return that she must abide by or she would be out again. I would allow and encourage his input after all it is his home too. Her not returning and escaping an abusive situation is not an option. Regardless of what bills he pays or how little you contribute, you are a married couple and the home is just as much yours as it is his. He also needs to be told that he WILL respect your daughter. Period. He can only parent out of love. He can't demand respect from a step child if he has never shown love.

 

 

Next, the TWO of you. You and your H sit down with the daughter. She needs to told the conditions of her return and agree to them wholeheartedly. She does not get any input on what they are or which ones she chooses to follow or ignore. It has to be a zero tolerance policy. She is an adult. She needs to understand that her return is to be a short one while she gets on her feet. She WILL respect you and your H. Period. Any disrespect of either of you will result in her being asked to leave again.

 

 

OP, this is the only way I see this situation working for you. You have to be deliberate and basically control the situation. It seems to me anyway, that you may have been too quiet and passive with both your daughter and your husband. Now it's time to be assertive with both. Sorry again about your situation. Good luck OP.

[Morro72]

Kids trump everything. You have to figure out how to get your daughter what she needs, with or without the help of your husband. Everything else is a distant second.

[Sassy Girl]

From someone whose mother 'stood by her man' (my stepfather) while he dished out emotional, financial and physical abuse....

 

I no longer have a relationship with my mother. I don't trust her, or even like her. I've definitely lost all respect for her and pretty sure I don't love her.

 

She didn't love me when it counted. So she lost me. Her choice. And no matter how hard she tries now (20 years later) I will never go back to her. We are done. That was her choice. I just made us stay done.

 

Awful choice, I know. But as a parent myself, and a child, my children will always come first.

 

Sometimes our children need our love most when they least deserve it. You have to decide if this is one of those times

[loveboid]

From someone whose mother 'stood by her man' (my stepfather) while he dished out emotional, financial and physical abuse....

 

I no longer have a relationship with my mother. I don't trust her, or even like her. I've definitely lost all respect for her and pretty sure I don't love her.

 

She didn't love me when it counted. So she lost me. Her choice. And no matter how hard she tries now (20 years later) I will never go back to her. We are done. That was her choice. I just made us stay done.

 

Awful choice, I know. But as a parent myself, and a child, my children will always come first.

 

Sometimes our children need our love most when they least deserve it. You have to decide if this is one of those times

 

Yes, same thing happened to me and my mother and step father. She lost me. In my case she took my walking away as a sign of strength and she came to me, ironically for my help in divorcing him. You may be taking the side of a man you later don't want to be with and wishing you had your daughter instead.