My partner keeps me on the edge

[Moonshine_76]

I need some help and advice. I have been together with my partner for almost 5 years. We are both in our late thirties and have no children. I have moved twice to another country because of my partners work. I have been lucky to get a transfer from the company I work for so I work full time myself.

 

My concern is that I feel much of our life evolves around my partner and his needs. If its a holiday or how we spend a weekend my partner likes to be in control of the time and what we do. If I feel not doing something he then claims I'm inflexible, unsocial or don't care what is important for him. The thing is we do 80% of the time what he wants. He works a lot, 60-70 hours week including weekends and also travel quite a lot. When he comes home 8:30pm-9:30pm he's upset because I'm already too tired to do something with him. I need to get up 6:30am so understandably I feel so.

 

I cook, clean, do the grocery shoping etc because I have more time. He pays a cleaner once in two weeks and makes the bed every morning. Everything else is left for me. And I don't mind expect it seems he doesn't appreciate it. Just the other day he said it's very nice I cook but that's not the kind of support he needs. He wants me to more understanding of the work schedules (he can decide how much work he does and he's constantly taking new projects and struggles to finnish the deadlines) and support him if he needs to work long hours by not complaining all the time (I once said could he work the late night shift in the office rather than home). Basically, we don't have every day life together at all. I have a few friends in my new home country and hobbies but I came here to share my life with my partner and it seems he came to make career and money and do whatever he wants. I'm 39 years old soon and want to have a family which he has also claimed to want. But there is always some excuse, ie. fault in me which would need to be fixed otherwise he cannot commit or have children. I feel so angry. The biggest fault in his opinion is that I cannot communicate.

 

We have known for five years and he has never spent a Christmas with me. We agreed two years ago we start to alternate the Christmases between his family and mine but just before xmas last year he decided he wants to break up with me and cannot spend the xmas with me. And on New Year for two years he has rather spent with his brother and brother's girlfriend's family. I dont mindbeing with my own family and friends but I feel strange he does not want to make any effort on my direction or something for us. I feel I have done quite a few huge life changes because of him but he doesn't think so or appreciate it. None of it matters because of a or b or c. He's very good getting me confused and doubt myself.

 

After Christmas he then told me he gives me one more chance. Which I then desperately cling onto because I'm here in a new country without any support network.

 

He claims I have made frictions to him and his family. I have always been more than nice to them. I think he has told some negative things about me to his family and now especially his mother thinks I'm some rude person. She has not ever wished me even happy birthday during the 5 years we have been together. And I got a blame not talking to her on her birthday (I sent a card only). I feel this is not fair!

 

If I ask anything or address any concern it will always become a huge fight. And I get the blamebeing unable to communicate. Again he broke up with me because I tried to address my concern that he doesn't participate for example the grocery shopping charges although he makes 3 times more than I and I feel huge junk of my salary goes to that. We split the rent and he pays most of the bills. But I pay a car, parking spot and insurance for it. I also use the car more but still its a lot more. I go to the grocery store once a week to stock everything without him and he goes once in 2 months. And I asked if he couldcontribute and all I get is shouting that he doesnt want to be with anyone who does not think he's generous. I'm so tired and so unhappy. I feel this is in a limit of abuse or that's how I feel. Please help.

[Mr. Lucky]

We agreed two years ago we start to alternate the Christmases between his family and mine but just before xmas last year he decided he wants to break up with me and cannot spend the xmas with me.

 

Why did he want to break up with you?

 

You've put yourself in a situation with zero upside. He gets a maid, cook and partner for the little time he makes himself available and the ability to establish his career and financial security. He can also kick you to the curb when convenient and you still bounce back. And now you're talking children, the burden of which seems likely to fall on you. So wow, what a great set up for him.

 

How's it working for you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Moonshine_76]

The breake up was because of what seems to me a trivial reason. On Christmas it was that he got simply enough of me because I was so rude and demanding because I wanted to spend the xmas with him. We got to an argument and he was so angry because I was again impossible to talk to and not supportive and understanding. He just got fed up and broke up 2 hours before he took his flight home and left me there to wonder what just happened.

 

Well, it's not really working. I feel I just gain emotional debth. Unability to voice any concerns just makes it worse. The way he always turns everything around such as 3 years ago you did something and you still haven't made it up for me.. Its just so ridiculous. And the thing what happened three years ago might be something such as I did not want to talk to his parents one morning in Skype.

Edited April 26, 2015 by Moonshine_76

[sandylee1]

Your partner sounds very selfish to me and doesn't give you much consideration. He's not spent a Christmas with you and he breaks up with you anyhow.

 

I know your in a foreign country, but I would try and make some friends and get a social life for yourself. I think he knows you rely on him , being the only person you know there and takes advantage of the situation.

 

From what you're saying this isn't a man I'd want to have children with, or maybe the two of you are just not compatible. I fear there will always be problems because of his selfish behaviour. It really doesn't sound like a great relationship and it's all about you supporting him. When he tells you to work on his issues, does he think he's perfect then?

 

It just doesn't sound like an enjoyable relationship right now.

[loveboid]

I don't think this guy is in love with you. To me he acts like he's doing you a favor by being with you and you should bend over backwards to him--this is why he gets mad at you for reasonable demands.

 

I would find someone else to start a family with.

[Popsicle]

He sounds like my xH. Self-absorbed to the max. There's a scene in the movie "The Avaitor" in which Katherine Hepburn broke up with Howard Hughes. That's exactly how it went down when I told my xH of almost 15 years that I wanted a divorce (except I didn't meet someone else, just said I wanted to divorce). How he reacted was just about the same. Moral of the story, he didn't love me, he loved himself.

 

On another note, I never really understood people who "want to start a family" at age 39+. It seems late.

[Daisy2013]

He's a selfish pig. My husband of 17 years doesn't spend holidays with me either, nor celebrate Mother's Day (it isn't even mentioned to me). It sucks and has made for some sad days. If you don't want this type of life forever and he won't compromise, maybe it's time to consider other options for yourself, you deserve better.

[Mr. Lucky]

Which I then desperately cling onto because I'm here in a new country without any support network.

 

I have moved twice to another country because of my partners work.

 

I'm going to assume you didn't move - twice! - at gunpoint. And I'll guess he didn't turn selfish and self-absorbed overnight, he's always been that way.

 

You've made choices that have brought you here and that you have to take responsibility for. And it will also be choices you'll make that will either get him to recognize you as an equal or get you out of town.

 

Ball's in your court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr Carson]

This doesn't sound like a great situation for you, how kind of him to give you a second chance.

 

If you have kids with this man is he going to leave you and the kids home and go spend Christmas with his family? Or take the kids and leave you home alone?

 

This doesn't sound like love to me, unless you want to be a single parent I wouldn't have kids with this man unless you see some big changes.

[Moonshine_76]

Thank you for your feedback! Actually, he has even said he doesn't love me because I have destroyed the love but it can grow again if I change the things that bother him. The thing is I believe I have become so used to the way we interact I don't most of the time know anymore what is right or wrong. Or even if I do, his ability to make me feel so guilty if I confront him is just worse than not saying anything. It always makes me feel worse as he gets upset and the person he becomes is very different than the person he usually is. Very cold, demeaning and hurtful. And if I show any anger or tears the consequences are even worse.

 

True, no one has forced me to move or be with him. This is my resposibility, I know. Sometimes I look back or think about the current situation and I cannot believe what I have done. This has probaly cost me my dream of having a family some day.

 

I genuinly believed this was love but I'm not convinced any longer. He does not compromise on anything. And the reason is because I don't change the things in me that bother him. If I did then aparently there would be no issues. But I know this is not true. The funniest thing is the qualities he critizes and wants to change he also posses. I feel that no matter what I do I never manage to live up to his standards or get his appreciation. I always fall short. And I feel so sad and angry about it and try harder. But then there is always something that doesn't make him happy.

 

I think about a lot how my life life would be without him yet I seem to be unable to leave him. I feel I could still try one thing and the more I try the more paralysed I get. In top of this I'm now reliable being with him to keep my visa and work. I loose my visa and cannot work if I leave. And I cannot be without my job. So its tricky. I can ask another work transfer only in two years.

[Mr. Lucky]

I genuinly believed this was love but I'm not convinced any longer.

 

Here's what I think love would look like in your situation -

 

- he'd treat you like an equal

- he'd include you in his plans

- he'd compromise when necessary

- he'd be respectful, considerate and caring

- he'd profess his feelings

 

And after 5 years and discussing kids, he'd marry you to seal the deal.

 

Is any of this happening ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[pteromom]

If you really want children, you should get away from this man and find someone who can commit to you.

 

He is just stringing you along. He will continue to find excuses until the end of time.

[MyEvilTwin]

It sounds to me like he is using you. He gets a maid as someone said earlier, and you pay just about half the bills yet make only a third of what he does.

 

Dumping you on Christmas? I don't care what excuse he used, he didn't want to spend it with you.

 

Ok, that has got to hurt, hearing that. But, it will help you clear your mind and understand that you are being taken advantage of and on some kind of bad ride at the amusement park.

 

If this man loved you and wanted to be with you, he would be. He would find a way, he would find the time, and he would be very upset not to spend important holidays with you. What does that tell you? It tells me that he doesn't love you and he is faking it and using you.

 

I would also consider hiring a P.I. It sounds to me like he has two women. Disappearing acts on holidays is a red flag for that.

 

If you have to give up that job and get a different one to start a new life, then do it.

[pteromom]

I would also consider hiring a P.I. It sounds to me like he has two women. Disappearing acts on holidays is a red flag for that.

 

This definitely crossed my mind too.

[sandylee1]

Don't waste anymore time with this guy, who thinks you're lucky to have him. In your position, I would request a transfer back to your country and leave him. If he has any love for you at all, he'll make the changes, but he honestly doesn't sound like a great catch.

 

He won't marry you and he's not committed to you. This is not a healthy relationship at all. Don't complicate things by having kids with him. Time is ticking for you to have kids, so don't hang around for him. It's not the same for men. Having kids isn't a stress on their bodies and health risks to them or kids don't apply.

 

Don't settle for more than you deserve.

[pteromom]

If its a holiday or how we spend a weekend my partner likes to be in control of the time and what we do.

 

He works a lot, 60-70 hours week including weekends and also travel quite a lot.

 

He wants me to more understanding of the work schedules (he can decide how much work he does and he's constantly taking new projects and struggles to finnish the deadlines) and support him if he needs to work long hours by not complaining all the time (I once said could he work the late night shift in the office rather than home).

 

Basically, we don't have every day life together at all.

 

I have a few friends in my new home country and hobbies but I came here to share my life with my partner and it seems he came to make career and money and do whatever he wants.

 

We have known for five years and he has never spent a Christmas with me.

 

We agreed two years ago we start to alternate the Christmases between his family and mine but just before xmas last year he decided he wants to break up with me and cannot spend the xmas with me.

 

And on New Year for two years he has rather spent with his brother and brother's girlfriend's family.

 

Yeah...another woman or another family.

 

Are you sure he doesn't have one?

 

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[Moonshine_76]

Thank you again for your comments.

 

Mr. Lucky - the love and equal partnership is really not happening in our case. I know this is only my side of the story here and I'm not always easy person to be with. But I want good to my partner and care about his wellbeing. It just gets me there is no balance and asking for a basic need or any need makes me a demanding, unsupportive and inflexible person.

 

Pteromom - I don't belive he has anyone else, in practise its quite impossible. We used to live on the other side of the world and only moved relatively recently to a new city. My partner has always worked a lot and before moving he was very often working from home. His job is to go to give talks in conferences and I always know where and when he travels. Also, many times he asks me to come with him. Which I would like sometimes but I need to work. So in this respect I have no doubts.