Past threesome affecting marriage now

[aps61]

I have been married for 30 years.

Please bear with me, it's kind of a long story but it starts over 30 years ago.

We started dating young and with no special direction on what we wanted for our future. None of us was thinking of marriage at that time and we dated for almost a year when his father who was in Canada called the family to join him. We weren't sure of how to deal with that but needed to figure out what to do. In the end we decided in not breaking up, but leave everything open since long distance relationships don't always work. We also agreed to tell the other if we found someone we wanted to be with.

For almost 3 years we continued the relationship from afar. I visited twice. The first time he surprised me sending me a ticket to visit. It was incredible to be with him again and I cried when I left.. When he mentioned sending a ticket for me to visit again I agreed to go but preferred to pay for my own ticket. Because of that I didn't tell him exactly when I was going. I learned after that when I arrived he had to go cancel a date he had with someone.

Honestly that really bothered much me at that time. We had been apart for so long. It didn't exactly please me but I could see him looking for someone to be with. I was only upset because he hadn't' tell me as we agreed.

But as I came back home and the letters were so much slower coming it started bothering me. I became a bit insecure in the relationship wondering who he was dating...and as always when we get insecure and upset we end up making stupid decisions. Mine was, if he can date, so can I. I started dating a co-worker. The complete opposite of him. The "bad" boy. The involvement was purely physical and I'm not going to lie, I had some fun that ended up including a bunch of threesome encounters. As I said. It was fun. Since love was not involved there were no special feelings to be hurt by the addition of a third person, but it ended when I realized that as fun as it was I really preferred the feeling of being in love rather than having the mindless and unemotional sex just for the heck of it.

I did write at the beginning saying I was thinking about dating someone but never got a response to that letter although I kept getting responses to other letters. And then suddenly there were 2 and 3 letters a week, suggesting that we should start thinking about marriage, that he couldn't bear being apart and even if leaving my country, my family, my work and my friends was not my favourite option, I did start thinking about it.

I am an idiot! But in my view, I felt I needed to tell him about my fling with the co-worker including the threesome part. I felt it was important to be honest specially because nobody goes around invisible and there are always friends of friends. The possibility that someone would tell him later was not unthinkable so I thought he should know from me. Plus I needed him to know before he really made the decision. I didn't want him to later found out about it and realize he couldn't deal with it. Even more I felt guilty about it. I had "messed" up and in a way betrayed what we had.

So I told him, and I told him that if he thought it was something he couldn't overlook then we shouldn't continue the discussion, but if he thought he could deal with it then we would go ahead and get married, but that this specific thing should never come into our marriage later in an argument or as an accusation.

We ended up getting married and had an incredible life together for about 20 years, when suddenly he had an affair and as a justification when I confronted him with it, he used my threesome. Because I had done it, and it was something he always fantasized about and wanted to try. We tried to sort out specially the affair made an effort to re-commit to our marriage but left out dealing with the realization that he resented me for that threesome not so much because i had dated someone but because I had done with that person something that he wanted to try.

Now, 10 more years later, his father just passed away and he is in deep depression. I've been trying to be as supportive as possible but he started to have panic attacks and nightmares and all - according to him - about that fling with the co-worker and mostly about threesomes.

I've tried to reason with him about this. I thought it was fun at that time because of the lack of emotional links. I didn't love the guy. It was basically just the sex. Didn't see anything wrong in experimenting, but as I matured, I started to realize that it is very different to think about a threesome as a single person involved just for the sex, and as a married person. There is still nothing wrong with it, but we are all humans and the adding of another person is likely to bring conflict, insecurity for at least one person, and a lot of other feelings and issues that can really jeopardize the marriage if it's pursued.

I don't want to do it. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it and I know I would feel insecure doing it.

It's not that we don't have a great sexual life that is anything but monotonous. We enjoy sex with each other, we are open to experiment new things, we have fun ... just the two of us. But this threesome thing seems to be getting in the middle of everything.

Each time I tried to explain to him why I don't want to consider it, I get the "but you had no problem considering it with the other guy". Yes, but I was younger and single and didn't even knew if we were going to get married or not. The dynamics were different. It was 31 years ago.

I am at a loss here. I am not sure of how to deal with it or explain in a way he will understand. And my guilt is back even though I had done nothing else but try to atone for that one "mess up " for the last 30 years. But it really feels that what I did only bothers him not because it happened but because I don't want to do it with him even though the circumstances are very different.

I always felt that everything can be great when it comes to sex as long as both ( or all ) people involved are on the same page and want the same thing. But I really don't think it's a good idea and really don't want to do it.

Any insight or ideas on how to deal with this will be appreciated. I am starting to think that I could just do it once and get over it because I owe him that, but in reality I don't. And I don't really want to do it.

[TaxAHCruel]

As always we can only comment on what your post seems to be saying - based on our own knowledge and experiences in life - while filling in the blanks with assumption.

 

But from what you say it sounds like this guy is being emotionally manipulative in order to justify infidelity.

 

He was caught in a affair. He did wrong. No one else. Just him. And grasping at straws he has used your sexual history as justification for it. When in fact it is no such thing.

 

For all you or I know - he may not resent your threesome as much as he claims - but is making an issue of it now because it worked for him to justify his own transgression and crime.

 

And he is now using the death of a loved one to ramify the emotional manipulation of using that past sexual history against you in the topic of this affair.

 

His transgression has no excuse - and your sexual history is your own and you do not appear to have done anything wrong. This is his issue - not yours.

 

Worse - from what you write it sounds like he now wants to engage in a threesome or other extra-marital sexual exploration and he is attempting to use this emotional manipulation - using your sexual history and his recent bereavement - to cajole you into engaging in sexual acts you simply do not want to engage in.

 

Perhaps THAT is the root of his nightmares - assuming he actually is having nightmares and not inventing them for effect. Perhaps the root of his nightmares is his guilt stemming from knowing he is emotionally manipulating you to force you into sexual acts you do not want.

 

Rape is the physical forcing of someone into sex - but I think it justifiable to ask one self is emotionally forcing someone into sex any better or worse? If I was doing that to someone - another human being - I guarantee you I would have nightmares too. And justifiably so. And if I actually got the girl to do it - get her to do it against her will by manipulating her in this fashion - I can only imagine the nightmares would get worse, not better.

[elaine567]

What jumps out to me, is that HE had an affair after 20 years of being with you man and wife.

HE had an affair, and has somehow turned that into being about YOUR threesomes, which were before you even got married and when you were what sounds like an open LDR with him.

 

He has firmly laid his cheating on your shoulders and now is beating you up by wanting a threesome, which I suggest here, is more about him wanting new flesh than about your historic threesomes.

YOUR threesomes give him the ammunition to berate you. He may not even want a threesome, he may just find it easier to assuage his guilt over HIS affair, by denigrating you or making you feel uncomfortable.

 

Stick to your guns, if you don't want to do it, don't

He should not be able to force you. Even if he is obsessing over those threesomes you had, you can never rewrite the past, you will never be able to make amends.

You need to consider your future here, can you live for the next 30 years with a man so caught up in the past, a man who seems to have no remorse for truly cheating on you.

 

(Suggest instead that you can have an affair, and if he resists say "but you had no problem considering it with that other woman".)

[road]

You are right to not want a threesome now and to give in would be wrong.

 

 

The problem is not that you had a threesome. The problem is that he wanted an open relationship and not marry you.

 

 

He thought that was the greatest thing in the world. Worst was he said we are not to hide dating others and he was not open about it with you.

 

 

His justification for an affair was wrong. Though both of you, whether it was ignored, swept up under the rug was the impact your dating and threesomes had on him.

 

 

Threesomes always cause problems even when people are not married. As when in your case the one spouse did before the marriage, or one did the threesome before they knew each other.

 

 

For even if one partner never had sex before they met their partner/spouse. There is nothing that the will prevent them from getting to experience everything with that partner.

 

 

Even if the one partner was a virgin and the other had sex 1,000 times before they met well there appears to be a huge difference in experience. though after 50 years of marriage one partner will of had sex 15,000 times to the others 16,000. That 1,000 time difference is no longer that much of a difference.

 

 

However that one person will never get to have a threesome. And that is still not justification for your husband to ask you to do a threesome now.

 

 

The time to experiment was when he found out. Then though at that point if you had come to the conclusion threesomes was wrong for you then you would of been right to not do anymore back then. Though I will ask when you to got back together and decided to get married did he want you do to a threesome with? Did he ask for a threesome? What was your response?

[Friskyone4u]

Seems like your husband has things a little ass backwards here. First, you told him about your sexual exploits and HE married you knowing it all. His choice !

He could have bailed but he did not .

Then he has an affair and it looks like you are trying to get past that . What you did before you got married may be bothering him now but it is not an excuse to have an affair.

Now I am guessing your threesomes involved two men and he is now in mid life and two women is a common fantasy of men regardless of history. He is probably feeling you got to experience it and he has not. The problem is simple.

You don't want to do it! End of story!!!

He needs some therapy and quick .

To be honest , a lot of men are stupid and do not realize the can of worms they are opening when the insist on their wives bringing other people into the bedroom . If you read anything on non monogamy , women hold all the power and you might ask hi what his reaction would be if you liked it and wanted to continue and have two men again . My guess is he would be horrified . That is why you should not agree to this .

He needs to start figuring out why HE cheated on you and stop worrying about putting another notch on his bedpost.

Hold your ground . You will resent it if you are coerced in to it

[SolG]

Hi OP. I think you're absolutely right to not do anything you're uncomfortable with! I'd just like to offer a slightly different perspective; specifically on one possibility as to how he may think about your threesomes.

 

For me, I have only done crazy things in the sexual realm when I've been with a partner that I love and trust implicitly. There is no way I can get truly uninhibited without a close emotional connection. This includes playing with others. You sound like you are the opposite when it comes to including others; you can only do it without the emotional component.

 

It could be that if his perspective on sex is similar to mine, he's been wondering how it is that you don't love him enough to do this with him when you could with another. Whereas from your perspective you can't because you love him too much. It may help to explore that you actually see this, and experience it emotionally quite differently. It may help him understand why you can't, and he shouldn't expect you to do this.

 

Just a thought...

[Mr Carson]

Don't do it.

 

This sounds so familiar I have a friend who's been married for over 20 years, her husband always brings up her past.

 

She was young and moved away and was very promiscuous for a time in her life. She didn't even know her H at the time yet he holds her past against her and is jealous of the men or boys at the time she was with.

 

He did the same thing went and had a A and then blamed her past. He says you were very sexually active back then but only want sex once a week now.

 

I just can't understand how someone will hold a spouse's past against them before they were married.

 

He didn't commit to you so you had the right to do what you wanted with whom you wanted...If it was that important he should have put a ring on it.

 

In this threesome he wanting to bring in a woman I assume? Maybe you should tell him fine but you want a threesome also with another man.

[davidromero43]

I'm thinking the opposite. He held on to this emotional turd. You pooped out a turd before you met him. You told him, and he went and found it. He picked it up and got it all over himself. He couldn't let it go. He put it in his back pocket. Every time he watched a movie and saw a threesome, he would pull out that turd and verify it was still there. He would sit down and feel it squish. When an opportunity arose to have an affair. He pulled out that turd and thought this will get rid of it. After the affair the turd was still there. Now there is a 2nd emotional turd from the affair. And he is getting crap all over himself. He can't figure out of to get rid of the turds. Now he thinks if he reenacts what gave him the turd, he can get rid of it. But what he needs is Mr Whipple and some Charmin.

 

Don't degrade yourself with a threesome. This is his problem not yours. He went and found the turd all on his own. Send him to a psychologist. The crap is way to thick now, and he can't do it on his own.

[MBlair71]

Even if the one partner was a virgin and the other had sex 1,000 times before they met well there appears to be a huge difference in experience. though after 50 years of marriage one partner will of had sex 15,000 times to the others 16,000. That 1,000 time difference is no longer that much of a difference.

 

300 times a year for 50 years? If only......

[DKT3]

I think what your missing is that many men see a threesome as the be all to end all, once you told him a part of him built a bridge from you having a threesome with that guy to you having a threesome with him.

 

When it didn't happen or you refused it, it made/makes him feel that you thought higher of this other guy. That you were willing to give him something that he can't have. That is the danger of too much information.

 

Sitting on that for 20 years created resentment.

[elaine567]

I think what your missing is that many men see a threesome as the be all to end all, once you told him a part of him built a bridge from you having a threesome with that guy to you having a threesome with him.

 

When it didn't happen or you refused it, it made/makes him feel that you thought higher of this other guy. That you were willing to give him something that he can't have. That is the danger of too much information.

 

Sitting on that for 20 years created resentment.

 

Sitting on that for 30+ years created resentment.

[aps61]

Thank you all for your responses and insight. I found a lot of different perspectives that I hadn't thought of yet.

When I wrote this yesterday it was late at night and I was worried trying not to make my post too big - unsuccessfully of course - and there were some things that I missed here and there and found out as I re-read it.

One of the things that kept coming to my mind even before I wrote this was "But now? after 30 years???" I believe I know why now. You see as he started going into depression the doctor suggested counselling both individually and couples. Unfortunately he wouldn't go to individual counselling , he really has trouble opening up and talking, but he agreed on trying couples counselling. We went to three sessions before he gave up. During those sessions this issue came up, of course and we had to talk about it. Which took the issue from under the rug where he had had it all these years and brought it kind of to the present again after so many years.

The other thing I forgot to mention is a real puzzle. You see the affair did have something to do with the threesome if indirectly . It started because of the possibility of a threesome. Not involving me, but the person he had the affair with which actually was planned and ready to go. But here's the kicker, after all was set and planned he backed of at the last minute. One would think that since that seemed to be in his mind and something he really wants to do, and after all he was already having the affair, that he would take the opportunity and get it over with. Yet he didn't.

I might have missed a few more things that could explain the situation better, but I can't think of any right now. I will respond to each person that commented and hopefully I will have a better understanding of all this situation and get different perspectives to think about.

I still don't believe that getting in a threesome just because all this will make anything better and that it can actually make everything worse, and I still don't feel comfortable with the idea.....

 

--

Hmmm Road, I think I understand what you mean, but unfortunately there is no way that threesome can be erased.

For all I knew at that time, he was doing the same, specially after I found out he was dating and did not tell me as we had agreed.

Actually He swept it up. I was very aware of it, and did my best to make sure that the impact of the threesome as well as whatever it was he was doing before the threesome were processed. I also gave him the option to not get married if he thought the threesome was something he couldn't deal with.

As I said, for all I knew he could be experimenting with anything including threesomes. I weighted that, and took it in consideration when I agreed to marry him. just hid it away in some dark corner of his brain maybe believing that if he didn't think about it , it was easier.

At the time we decided to marry he never touched the subject or gave any impression that he would want to do it. Had he asked I am not really sure what I would respond but to be completely honest, I might have agreed to it as long as he understood that I wasn't willing make it a lifestyle or something to be repeated. I hadn't completely reached the stage where I firmly believed it wasn't worth the risk of jeopardizing the relationship, but was starting to think that it could be complicated in an established relationship.

 

Friskyone4u I do agree that some therapy is needed specially given the depression but he is having trouble both acknowledging the depression and the need for some help.

We kind of worked out the why he cheated but he quit counselling before we could figure out anything else.

As for his idea of how the threesome should be, I am not exactly sure. He seems to think about the third person as female, but something it seems that it doesn't really matter if male or female, as long as he can experience it. I might be wrong in this assumption though.

 

 

Mr. Carson you were right in that he didn't commit before he left. Still we didn't break up, so technically both of us messed up.

As for who he will like to bring it is unclear. I'm tending to think woman from things he said, but when I hear him it seems that he wouldn't care much if it would be a woman or a man.

 

DKT3, you make sense. I have been thinking along those lines. I have wondered if he decided to give it a second try with the marriage just because he assumed or thought that it I would want to do it again and this time with him. That would kind of make the 30 years of marriage a bit of a joke in my opinion .

 

[elaine567]

I think the depression may have something to do with this "obsession" he seems to have developed here.

 

I know a man who was a carpenter, he worked for a company and whilst working there for 20+ years, he would take home some of the bent nails, odd bits of wood and other stuff that would be thrown out. He used them in his own home projects, but when he got depressed, he started obsessing over this, he couldn't forgive himself for "stealing" and in his mind he needed to be punished.

He wasn't eating, he wasn't sleeping, he was also having nightmares.

Medication and therapy made him think rationally again.

[Mr Carson]

The one thing I feel is missing in all this is the love quotient. If he really loves you and you have a good sex life it's on him. You've not withheld yourself just one thing that he's obsessing about. He knew about this from the beginning, I understand it stuck in his craw but what about LOVE? I give him no excuses for the A it's wrong, it was all on the table before he married you. Don't do the threesome and don't cut him any slack for the A he's wrong. This my seem harsh but you have to keep your self respect. If you go through with this against your feelings you will end up resenting him. If he wants to bring a M or W makes no difference. You both need MC if he won't go please go for yourself.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

He's a douche for pulling that crap on you. Put your foot down. If he can't straighten up, leave.

[aps61]

Once again thanks for your comments. I have decided that as I feel too strongly against plunging into a threesome, that I am sticking with my initial refusal to do it.

Elaine 567 I too believe the depression is making things much worse and it's becoming more of an obsession than anything else. But unfortunately unless he finally admits to himself that he is depressed and seeks help I don't know what else to do.

 

Mr. Carson, I think about that too. We've had a good marriage so far with the usual ups and downs that life brings. We sailed many storms not related to our relationship - family deaths, health issues, financial problems, lay offs, family compatibilities... you name it - but we were always able to work as a team and be there for each other. We do love each other. I don't doubt that. But this is proving to be a bigger storm than all the others. I have counseling for myself starting next month, but he needs to seek help as well. I can't fix his side of the things.

 

So I am sticking to my decision of no threesome. Any ideas of how to deal with this with him? He is not even talking about it now, it just comes up here and there but he's trying to avoid talking about it. However it is lurking in everything we talk and we do. Our life at the moment seems like a yo-you with times where he seems fine, in a good mood, and we're as close as ever, and times where he's withdrawing, seems to be blaming me for everything and everything that happens seems to be because of the darn threesome. I know this is mostly result of the depression, but the thoughts had to be there before, they're just exacerbated by the depression, that's all.

Also, any thoughts on why he backed off the threesome when he had the chance? I can't understand the why. That would have at least given him the "I've done it too "that he seems to be missing and is complaining about. If experimenting with it, is all he wants as he says, then he had the perfect chance for it. He was already in "trouble" so to speak since he was in the middle of the affair, it wouldn't make it any worse in terms of what he was already doing... so why back off then after everything was set up and the people able willing and ready? Anyone would like to comment?

Thanks

[Mr Carson]

As far as not going through with the threesome, all I can offer is how I would feel. For me the pressure to please two women ( if it was two women) would be very intimidating. Maybe he realized he was in over his head? When in me twenties it was a different story but now lol... one is just fine.

[aps61]

Thanks for your insight Mr. Carson,

I could understand that being so, it would make sense to me.

But then, If he had reached the conclusion that the pressure would be too much - and yes it was two women - then why continuing wanting it and still now pushing me into it even after he realized that it would be too much pressure for him to go through with it?

Edited April 27, 2015 by aps61
clicked submit by accident

[MyEvilTwin]

He should see a shrink for his jealousy issues and control issues, but he probably would ignore such a recommendation.

 

Just say no, and don't feel badly about saying NO. Then give him the end of story stare.

[pteromom]

You don't have to feel guilty.

 

Next time it comes up, tell him all the reasons you don't want to do it again. Tell him that your NO is final - it is not something you ever want to do again. And that you will engage in no further discussion about it.

 

Say all of this gently and kindly, of course.

 

And then if it comes up again, just get up and walk out of the room. Don't defend yourself or keep spouting the same reasons. Just ignore it.

 

If he just doesn't let it go, I suppose you could always say that since he had an affair 20 years ago, it isn't fair that you don't get to have one too, and that if he wants to talk about a threesome, he has to be willing to talk about you sleeping with another guy too.

[Mr Carson]

Thanks for your insight Mr. Carson,

I could understand that being so, it would make sense to me.

But then, If he had reached the conclusion that the pressure would be too much - and yes it was two women - then why continuing wanting it and still now pushing me into it even after he realized that it would be too much pressure for him to go through with it?

 

Agreed...I thought the same thing that's why I can only offer my feelings. Your H feelings and actions are very confusing, but you are the eye of the storm. Meaning his actions and feelings revolve around you and your past. Some how you both need to get to the real source of his feelings, I just don't understand why he's so hung-up on this one thing? He needs help form a pro.

[oldshirt]

I think what your missing is that many men see a threesome as the be all to end all, once you told him a part of him built a bridge from you having a threesome with that guy to you having a threesome with him.

 

When it didn't happen or you refused it, it made/makes him feel that you thought higher of this other guy. That you were willing to give him something that he can't have. That is the danger of too much information.

 

Sitting on that for 20 years created resentment.

 

This above could be a big factor and if so, it isn't just going to go away.

 

I'll play devils advocate here a little and just get out out the table that all men yearn for a 3way with two women more than just about anything. Men are kind of obligated to deny that fact publically and in front of their wives but it is a fact of life nonetheless. Many men would consider a 3way one of the greatest gifts and one of the greatest accomplishments in life.

 

You gave that gift to another man you weren't in love with, weren't married to, didn't have a home and family with and yet you refuse to do it with him. In his deep inner recesses of his mind, that tells him that the other guy was "better" than him and that you were more into him and more turned on by him and more willing to please him. That is a bitter pill for your H to swallow.

 

Now we can all sit here and explain why he is wrong on all counts untill the cows come home but it ain't gonna change a thang. You gave another man the one thing that all men crave the most and you refuse to do it for him because you simply don't want to. This is a wound that will fester if not treated properly.

 

Now please please please do NOT interpret this as me saying you should do something you find distasteful and that you believe is wrong and you don't want to. I am not saying that at all. In fact at this point if you capitulate and just go along with it, it will likely cause more harm than good.

 

I am telling you this so that you know what you are up against and appreciate the gravity of the situation.

 

This isn't something that you can just roll your eyes and grunt out a chuckle of irritation and disgust. This is a serious underlying issue and it can become very toxic.

 

This will likely require professional counseling, both MC as well as IC to address. There are other factors at play here such as unresolved issues of his affair and his depression etc etc.

[oldshirt]

 

You gave that gift to another man you weren't in love with, weren't married to, didn't have a home and family with and yet you refuse to do it with him. In his deep inner recesses of his mind, that tells him that the other guy was "better" than him and that you were more into him and more turned on by him and more willing to please him. That is a bitter pill for your H to swallow.

 

You gave another man the one thing that all men crave the most and you refuse to do it for him because you simply don't want to.

 

Let me flip this around and reverse the role to put it in a perspective where you are in your husbands shoes.

 

 

Let's say in his youth he was very ambitious and goal-oriented and hard working and he managed to hit the cash cow and became a multi millionaire at a young age.

 

And then let's say some little hottie came along that tripped his trigger and he decided he would share his wealth and success with her as long as she was tickling his fancy.

 

So he bought her big fancy houses all over the most exotic places on earth. They had fancy luxury cars, yachts, planes, cruises etc. He gave her kids and a family and sent the kids to the finest private schools and gave them all trust funds that had them set for life......

 

And then the economy tanked. The money and lifestyle was gone. The other chick bolted and he realized she was a gold digger and he really didn't like her that much and just let her go and really wasn't bothered by it. And then he found a regular 9-5 and discovered he was happy with the work-a-day, Joe-six-pack life and decided not to return to the ambitious, success driven life

 

 

And then he met, fell in love with and married you. You loved him and life was fundamentally good. But over the years you begin to realize that he really is just a regular, time card punching, working class guy and has no ambition or intention of every trying to make millions again and has no intention or desire to give you the lifestyle or give you the experiences and the security that he gave to his previous woman, which turns out he really wasn't that much in love with her to begin with.

 

How well that sit with you over the years? How would that start to affect your own self worth and your own self esteem that he was willing to work himself to the bone and be ambitious and creative to provide that life to her, but now he is perfectly content to punch a time card and not try to provide that for you??

 

That's what you are up against here. That's what you need to find a solution to reconcile.

[dichotomy]

Hi OP. I think you're absolutely right to not do anything you're uncomfortable with! I'd just like to offer a slightly different perspective; specifically on one possibility as to how he may think about your threesomes.

 

For me, I have only done crazy things in the sexual realm when I've been with a partner that I love and trust implicitly. There is no way I can get truly uninhibited without a close emotional connection. This includes playing with others. You sound like you are the opposite when it comes to including others; you can only do it without the emotional component.

 

It could be that if his perspective on sex is similar to mine, he's been wondering how it is that you don't love him enough to do this with him when you could with another. Whereas from your perspective you can't because you love him too much. It may help to explore that you actually see this, and experience it emotionally quite differently. It may help him understand why you can't, and he shouldn't expect you to do this.

 

Just a thought...

 

A good point to consider.

 

 

I might have missed this but your threesome was a MFF variety right? In this case he might very well thinking you provided more pleasure (read adored or loved) to the male partner by providing this to him. Your husband gets less than your other male sex partners - maybe his view.

 

If your objection is that a threesome now with a spouse and another woman would be infidelity - then you have a good point. But if it is a more generic "I don't do that with people I love" then we are back to the main point.

 

However you have had a long marriage, he may have simply got bored or regretted his lack of wildness and used this as an excuse focusing on a retroactive justification which some cheating spouses do with any number reasons. Depression, loss, and other things can also make people weak.

 

I agree with your viewpoint and approach, just trying to help with possible perspectives. Also he cheated, that's the main thing.

[elaine567]

That's what you are up against here. That's what you need to find a solution to reconcile.

 

Is that not HIS problem to reconcile and not the OPs? He is the one now obsessed with her threesomes. He had 30+ years to go out there and pursue his dream, if indeed it was his dream, (he previously reneged on an opportunity), so why is it NOW an issue? And why is it her problem?

 

In the example you quoted, it is not up to that man to start being ambitious again surely, it is up to the woman to accept the unambitious man SHE decided to marry.