Controlling husband??

[MiriamWebster]

My husband and I have only been married for 9 months. Over the last couple, he has become increasingly controlling and prone to anger and outbursts like he never had been before. He's always been so mild and sweet natured.

We go to church, but we aren't what I would call a "devout" couple. My husband does not pray or read his bible or do anything with the church other than attend service about half the time. He used to be very devout, but some bad experiences with our previous church really drew us away from being so strict about religion.

 

My husband has been saying a lot lately that he is "the head of the household" and has told me that ultimately my opinion must bow to his own superior wisdom in how things are done at our home. He has tried to make it a biblical argument and say that God has made him the leader and I am to submit to his authority. Needless to say, this isn't how I see it. I'm never dismissive of his little rants or rude, but I do tell him that I believe a husband and wife should make decisions together and agree. If I say our future children can't watch a certain movie and he says they can, I don't want him declaring that his authority it final and ultimately I don't matter. We've had disagreements about childrearing (I think he will be too strict and enforce to many spankings) and he ends the argument with saying the children will be raised how he wants them raised.

 

I'm feeling very discouraged and frightened for our future because he never used to be this way. He's become almost bipolar….he will explode and rant at me for three hours and the next day beg my forgiveness and say how wrong he was to get so upset. But then he does it again a week later. I feel like I can't trust him to value my emotions or opinions. I struggle with panic attacks and have them any time he shouts at me like that. I'm pregnant. I don't need to be weeping so hard and be under so much stress. And on top of that, I have to worry about this weird controlled issue he has had lately.

 

And sex. Oh my Lord. I have had a lower drive since becoming pregnant and he's wanted sex almost every day. He gets furious with me when I don't "get into it" and "let my passion out" (whatever that means). Sex is extremely painful for me and always has been. A year of painful sex has left me not really having a great desire for it. He never had so many outbursts until sex started becoming truly difficult for me. He can't accept that its how I am, and he gives me nothing in sex. No rubbing, no touching, no affection after he's done his part.

 

Is it a phase? Will he get better in time? What can I do to make him respect my opinions and view me as an equal? He usually does treat me as equal until a disagreement comes up. He's a good man, he really is. Its just when these moods strike him I have no clue what to do. I don't know who to ask for help.

Edited April 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Ronnie33]

How old are you two?

 

How long did you date before getting married and live together? You never saw any kind of this behavior before?

[beach]

No one can be controlled unless we "allow it".

 

So stop allowing it.

 

Push back. Take a stand by showing your independence as a strong woman. Speak up! Say you aren't ok with him being controlling.

 

And then do the action that sends the clear message that he isn't going to control you.

[SleeplessIn]

I'm familiar with groups (churches, fellowships) that put forth that teaching about the man being head of the household and that the woman must submit to him. The teaching can be found at Ephesians 5:22-24.

 

HOWEVER, the next verses (Ephesians 5:25-33) spell out very clearly that the man has an equally strong responsibility to the wife. Most groups that teach about the wife submitting, tend to leave out or minimize what the man/husband is supposed to do. If you go and read this, it will be clear that if this is a teaching that a couple is going to follow, then the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.

 

Do you picture Christ as shouting at his church like your husband is shouting at you? Being demanding of his church as your husband is being demanding of you? No, he should be loving you as much as he loves his own body ... not forcing you into things that he knows cause you pain, etc.

[Poppyolive]

Oh dear. You didn't see any of this before? I'm worried for you. It may very well get worse. Get some counseling for support and strengthen up your boundaries.

[loveboid]

I would dump him. He sounds to me like the kind of person who takes his stress out on others. Committing and marrying might be stressing him out--which is normal but the way he's handling it isn't.

 

Unfortunately, controlling people are themselves stressful to be around. The only thing I've found works is getting away from the person. These types are likely to get worse. If they get better it's only at advanced age where they literally have no more energy to rage.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is going to be a huge disaster...sounds like you married way too soon and maybe as a result of the pregnancy or to have children.

 

Sounds way premature and either way, it's going to get worse..not better. He needs a submissive wife that does what he wills, and you need a guy who's more understanding of your needs and more compatible with you in that regard and doesn't need a lot of sex.

 

He's got temper problems, and he's not going to change...he's just going to show you how he really is and always has been, you just didn't know. He's not going to be reasonable with you, he's not going to consider your opinion seriously because he doesn't respect you as much as he respect himself.

 

This is a toxic combination, what he actually needs is to change his issues with his behavior and someone that actually stands up for themselves and doesn't tolerate his behavior...but you will just instead try to "work through it", you're not going to get it, nor understand it and you think you'll be able to change it.

 

If you think there's no affection, touching and love now...wait until you have the baby, because I would expect a more disconnected emotional relationship. That's going to put more stress, more challenge and complicate it further...and you'll just use examples like the baby just like you're saying you're pregnant now to make him stop, but it's not going to help the situation and just make it worse.

[Downtown]

He has become increasingly controlling and prone to anger and outbursts.... He's become almost bipolar….he will explode and rant at me for three hours and the next day beg my forgiveness and say how wrong he was to get so upset. But then he does it again a week later.

Miriam, perhaps your H does have strong bipolar traits. That is not what you seem to be describing here, however. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., the event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- sound much closer to the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) than to those for bipolar.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. If you're interested, I describe the differences I've seen between typical BPD and Bipolar behaviors at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW).

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

I don't know who to ask for help.

Miriam, I suggest you ask a professional. Specifically, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. While you're looking for a good psych, I also suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD (and bipolar) may help you avoid repeating a painful experience. Take care, Miriam.

[bachdude]

I think you should try to get both of you together in marital counseling.

 

In the mean time, I think you should know that you are in no way obligated to subject yourself to 3 hours of rants. Just walk away and go stay at family member's house for a few days. That ought to show him the seriousness of how he is treating you.

 

If it were me, I would tell him in no way shape or form would I allow my child to be subjected to any form of corporal punishment by him as he displays serious anger issues.

 

And I think you are in no way obligated to subject yourself to anything that is painful, especially since he gets furious over it. Does he show concern over it? No. Really amazing. I would put a moratorium on sex for the time being.

 

OP, all of this sounds abusive to me and highly controlling.

 

You deserve to be treated kindly and with respect. And you deserve extra special treatment, given that you are carrying his child! I am amazed he is putting you through this kind of stress while you are pregnant! He must know you get panic attacks! It floors me, OP!

[sandylee1]

Your husband needs to get real. What he's doing to you is abusive and you cannot let it continue. The more you tolerate it, the more he will do it.

 

Talk to him and tell him what you want out of marriage and your view of the way your children should be brought up. You want discussion and mutual respect. As long as you feel safe that he won't physically violent, I would also tell him that if he doesn't change this behaviour that he has started exhibiting, then you will have no option but to leave the marriage.

 

This is the 21st century and there is no room for that dominant controlling behaviour.

 

Expecting sex on a daily basis from a pregnant woman. Next thing he'll have an affair and blame you.

 

Suggest marriage counselling to him as a last option. However, if he ultimately insists on his view, then he needs to find a submissive wife. DON'T let that be YOU.

[Rainbowlove]

Is it a phase?

 

NO

 

Will he get better in time?

No, it will only get worse.

 

What can I do to make him respect my opinions and view me as an equal?

 

You can stand up for yourself. You can tell him that he is NOT the head of YOUR household. You can demand respect. You can walk out on him if he continues to treat you badly. You can take back some power.

 

 

He usually does treat me as equal until a disagreement comes up. He's a good man, he really is. Its just when these moods strike him I have no clue what to do. I don't know who to ask for help.

 

He may be a good man with some serious issues. Without him admitting there's a problem with his behavior, your marriage and life will continue to deteriorate.

 

Is this how you want your children to see you being treated? Is this what you imaged for them?

[OMC]

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