What Should I Say?

[QueenElsa]

I wrote a thread a little while ago about being married to an alcoholic who disappears.

 

That was on Valentine's Day Weekend. He did end up coming back on Monday night. He was drunk. Our child had been crying all weekend she wanted to give her Dad her Valentines card. This upset me so much that I told him that he needed to go to treatment or I could not live with him anymore.

 

We were also in the middle of a move that he wasn't really helping with. So he had access to the old place for 10 days so he could sober up and go get help if he needed. He chose to get drunk and DT three more times in that ten days and show up at the new place on March 2. He had no plan and had not gone to get help of any kind. He was surprised that I was resentful of him and he left for another two weeks. He talked to our child twice during that time. Both phone calls were initiated by me.

 

Then last week he came by for a bit. It was his birthday so we went out to dinner. It was supposed to be birthday dinner out. A chance for our child to give him the card she made him. Then she asked him to come and watch a show at home with her. So I let that happen. Then I let him stay over. Then we went and saw American Sniper on Tuesday. Then he left again. Which was fine. He hadn't gotten help and he said he would go to some kind of treatment.

 

He told our child that he would be back "in a few days." He emailed me once on the 26th. Gave me $30. Told me some news headlines. I told him that I missed the emails and texts he used to send to me in the day. So he was trying to do that. Then he went dark for four days. Nothing again.

 

Until last night he sent me

 

"Hi, just checking in. I'll try for deposit tomorrow. I'll give you what I make less gas.

 

Love you both,"

 

I really had enough. I ignored it. It was breadcrumbs after another four days of not even hearing from him and no plan to get help.

 

So tonight he sends me "Why no emails from you?" and "I don't get it, are you upset with me?"

 

Am I wrong to ignore those? Should I tell him that I am upset or should I just say nothing at all. Should I tell him that our daughter asked me last night if her Dad is not around because he doesn't love her anymore?

 

That's what gets me. Why isn't he more concerned about staying in touch with her? Who would want to be married like this? Am I upset? Yes. I am upset that he won't go get help for his addiction and then doesn't communicate with me or her and he will ignore my emails and texts for days but if I ignore his it's like "what's going on why won't you talk to me?"

 

Because, you showed me that the response time in this marriage is anywhere from four days to a week....

[QueenElsa]

I think if I tell him how I feel at this point, he will just tell me my feelings aren't okay or manipulate me into feeling bad about ignoring the message or just forget about what's happened. I don't want to forget. I don't want our child growing up with an active alcoholic that disappears on her. It is not fair to her. I can see how much it hurts her that she thinks her Dad is home and then he isn't. I know how much it hurt me when he would leave and not talk to me.

[whichwayisup]

I think if I tell him how I feel at this point, he will just tell me my feelings aren't okay or manipulate me into feeling bad about ignoring the message or just forget about what's happened. I don't want to forget. I don't want our child growing up with an active alcoholic that disappears on her. It is not fair to her. I can see how much it hurts her that she thinks her Dad is home and then he isn't. I know how much it hurt me when he would leave and not talk to me.

 

I think it's time for you to talk to your family and close friends, and also get a lawyer. Your husband won't stop drinking, he doesn't want to have any real responsibilities, he wants to float in and float out whenever he pleases and then go off and do his own thing. That's not a husband, a father or a family man. He is letting you down, your daughter down and it sucks! Please, get counseling in so you can figure out how to stand up to him once and for all, protect yourself and your daughter. He can't be relied upon. File for separation once you're strong enough and talk to a lawyer.

 

If he hits his rock bottom and suffers major consequences there's a chance it'll wake him up enough he'll go to rehab and get help.

[QueenElsa]

I think it's time for you to talk to your family and close friends, and also get a lawyer. Your husband won't stop drinking, he doesn't want to have any real responsibilities, he wants to float in and float out whenever he pleases and then go off and do his own thing. That's not a husband, a father or a family man. He is letting you down, your daughter down and it sucks! Please, get counseling in so you can figure out how to stand up to him once and for all, protect yourself and your daughter. He can't be relied upon. File for separation once you're strong enough and talk to a lawyer.

 

If he hits his rock bottom and suffers major consequences there's a chance it'll wake him up enough he'll go to rehab and get help.

 

I am not getting a lawyer at this point because I need to be separated for a year before I can even file. I will be filing in for sole custody of our child right away soon as I can manage to get down to the courthouse. I started counseling two weeks ago. She's says that I am in the right place to begin work. I want to lead my own life (and I do for the most part now).

 

I have been single-parenting for awhile now. I live on my own schedule. "Our" place is pretty much my place. He won't come in at all if I am not comfortable with it. I know he can't be relied upon. I have no illusions about that anymore. I don't think he will ever hit rock bottom either. He would have by now I think. I think he is mentally ill. Really mentally ill.

 

I just don't know what to say to him now. I have trouble doing some of the hard stuff. I know he "Doesn't get it." He just doesn't get it. In his mind, he left a few days ago, said he would be back and figures he would be. And he if didn't contact us, no big deal, he's disappeared before and usually I am so stressed out and scared that it is a relief to hear from him. But I am not stressed as much and scared as much anymore. Clearly wherever he is is the priority for him.

 

So I don't want to treat him like a priority. But I don't want to be really ignorant either. I have no expectations of him being a responsible parent or husband. It is not his priority.

 

In the bigger picture, I know this needs to be done with. At the very least until he realizes that he is responsible for his actions and takes responsible action to deal with it and repairs the damage for long enough and consistent enough to be viable. That could take years. I am not waiting anymore. That's been huge for me. To not wait for him anymore. I always wait for him. Wait for him to call or email or "be ready to work on the marriage or get better."

 

I can't wait. Our child can't wait. Our future is happening right now. This could have been dealt with or managed when our child was tiny. But he avoided it and lied about it. So now it is just too late to wait anymore. I have a year. I am going to make the most of it.

 

NOW: about these emails? What should I say?

[mrs rubble]

Ignore.

You claim to be worried about your child, but you're focussing on her father. Place him in the back of your mind and refocus on your child.

No matter how much you want to control his interactions with your child, you simply can't.

The sooner you realise that you can only control your own part in this the better.

 

Be there for your child.

[oldshirt]

He is toxified. His brain is under the influence of toxic substances and doesn't work right. While his brain is under the influence of toxic chemicals he is incapable of thinking, feeling, acting and responding as a normal person would. He is broken and nonfunctioning.

 

You can't save him or fix him. You can't reason with him or talk him out of drinking. You can't make him act normal and you can't make him treat his family properly. He is damaged goods and is toxic.

 

You can't make him change. He can only do that himself. And he does make an honest, sincere effort to detoxify himself, it will take many months if not even years for his brain to cleanse itself to a functioning state.

 

Your job is to protect yourself and your daughter from him because he is a threat to you.

 

DO SEE A LAWYER! Do see a lawyer even if you can't divorce quite yet. You still need to protect yourself and your assets and protect your daughter from him.

 

A lawyer can help you protect your bank accounts and your daughter from him.

 

He is toxic and there is no telling what crazy things he will do.

[SJS]

Honey, you need more help than what we can provide here. You know you can't live like this.

[QueenElsa]

Ignore.

You claim to be worried about your child, but you're focussing on her father. Place him in the back of your mind and refocus on your child.

No matter how much you want to control his interactions with your child, you simply can't.

The sooner you realise that you can only control your own part in this the better.

 

Be there for your child.

 

EXCUSE ME!

 

I am worried about my child first and foremost.

But maybe, just maybe she's already got top-notch care from me!

I am there for her and provide physical and emotional security for her every day! I am the one that plays with her, answers the tough questions she asks about her Dad, bathes her, teaches her how to read, takes her to her after school playtime, cuddles with her, and films her fun dancing because she wants me to. She is a happy kid, aside from wondering why her Dad isn't there. That's the tough part. Not that Mom is mentally lost, wandering around after Dad.

 

 

I am the one that asked him to leave until he got better FFS. That wasn't for my special sake. That's because I didn't want a drunk around our child! Even if it's her Dad!

 

 

She is my life. And this is really hard on her. The trouble I am having is not, "how do I make my child the center of my life?" Because I ALREADY DO THAT.

 

 

I am not trying to "control his interactions with my child."

 

 

I know that I can't give her a Dad, I can only give her a Mom.

 

 

You seem to be assuming that I am a stereotype. Like I just run around trying to "fix him and save him and make him be a Dad."

 

 

This thread is about "How do I respond to an email he sent?"

 

 

Not "list the ways in which you think I don't behave like a parent."

[QueenElsa]

He is toxified. His brain is under the influence of toxic substances and doesn't work right. While his brain is under the influence of toxic chemicals he is incapable of thinking, feeling, acting and responding as a normal person would. He is broken and nonfunctioning.

 

You can't save him or fix him. You can't reason with him or talk him out of drinking. You can't make him act normal and you can't make him treat his family properly. He is damaged goods and is toxic.

 

You can't make him change. He can only do that himself. And he does make an honest, sincere effort to detoxify himself, it will take many months if not even years for his brain to cleanse itself to a functioning state.

 

 

I thank you for the time to respond.

 

 

I guess what I don't understand is where I failed to make it clear that I fully understood that "I can't change him." Trust me, I've waited, I've talked, I've been there. I get it. I really really really freaking get it.

That's why I asked him to leave.

 

 

Now my position is, "how to I deal with this mentally ill figure in a way that isn't demeaning or legally a problem? Because, get what? He still has rights unless I can prove he's out to lunch. That's scary. I want to keep things amicable here, or he WILL fight me tooth and nail if I threaten the possibility of a relationship with his daughter. He isn't fighting me now and I don't want that to start. Right now we are amicable. We get along. Right now.

 

 

So how do I respond to the damn email?

 

Your job is to protect yourself and your daughter from him because he is a threat to you.

 

DO SEE A LAWYER! Do see a lawyer even if you can't divorce quite yet. You still need to protect yourself and your assets and protect your daughter from him.

 

A lawyer can help you protect your bank accounts and your daughter from him.

 

He is toxic and there is no telling what crazy things he will do.

 

 

I have no assets worth mentioning.

Sole custody is coming forthwith.

 

 

He isn't around much. Basically, I go "yeah yeah yeah" and he disappears for another couple weeks.

 

 

But I am sick of doing that. Sick of providing this false home base for him because I am scared of what he might do. I still care about him, don't get me wrong. I am also sick of having my chain yanked.

 

 

It's a narrow line, I was hoping someone might have some insight.

[oldshirt]

I thank you for the time to respond.

 

 

I guess what I don't understand is where I failed to make it clear that I fully understood that "I can't change him." Trust me, I've waited, I've talked, I've been there. I get it. I really really really freaking get it.

That's why I asked him to leave.

 

 

Now my position is, "how to I deal with this mentally ill figure in a way that isn't demeaning or legally a problem? Because, get what? He still has rights unless I can prove he's out to lunch. That's scary. I want to keep things amicable here, or he WILL fight me tooth and nail if I threaten the possibility of a relationship with his daughter. He isn't fighting me now and I don't want that to start. Right now we are amicable. We get along. Right now.

 

 

So how do I respond to the damn email?

 

 

 

 

I have no assets worth mentioning.

Sole custody is coming forthwith.

 

 

He isn't around much. Basically, I go "yeah yeah yeah" and he disappears for another couple weeks.

 

 

But I am sick of doing that. Sick of providing this false home base for him because I am scared of what he might do. I still care about him, don't get me wrong. I am also sick of having my chain yanked.

 

 

It's a narrow line, I was hoping someone might have some insight.

 

 

This is why you need to consult a lawyer. Those are all practical, nuts and bolts legal issues.

 

It's not about getting him to leave. It's about you getting away from him and cutting him out of your lives. Those are practical, legal matters.

 

You don't have to be nasty or confrontational, just definitive.

 

No he will not be pleasant about it at all times. But he is so dysfunctional he will not be able to put up much of an effective offense/defense. He will mostly just huff and puff and then when he does something inappropriate, you call the police.

 

You are the one that has to be proactive and make things happen. Your lawyer will guide you.

[BetrayedH]

Not to sound like a broken record but they're right about the lawyer.

 

You should go for sole custody (sounds like you're on top of that) but I'd also want "exclusive use of the marital home." I think you also need to know what qualifies as legally separated so that you can begin counting down your 365. After that, your only communication with him should be about when he can have supervised visitation with his daughter. And that's only when he requests it and you find a time to fit it into your schedule.

 

Right now your reply to the email is pretty irrelevant because you have no legal footing to back up what you say. You can huff and puff but he can still come home and he can take his daughter wherever he likes. Get that cleared up and then you can go no contact except for where it relates to supervised visitation.

[mrs rubble]

EXCUSE ME!

 

I am worried about my child first and foremost.

But maybe, just maybe she's already got top-notch care from me!

I am there for her and provide physical and emotional security for her every day! I am the one that plays with her, answers the tough questions she asks about her Dad, bathes her, teaches her how to read, takes her to her after school playtime, cuddles with her, and films her fun dancing because she wants me to. She is a happy kid, aside from wondering why her Dad isn't there. That's the tough part. Not that Mom is mentally lost, wandering around after Dad.

 

 

I am the one that asked him to leave until he got better FFS. That wasn't for my special sake. That's because I didn't want a drunk around our child! Even if it's her Dad!

 

 

She is my life. And this is really hard on her. The trouble I am having is not, "how do I make my child the center of my life?" Because I ALREADY DO THAT.

 

 

I am not trying to "control his interactions with my ch."

 

 

I know that I can't give her a Dad, I can only give her a Mom.

 

 

You seem to be assuming that I am a stereotype. Like I just run around trying to "fix him and save him and make him be a Dad."

 

 

This thread is about "How do I respond to an email he sent?"

 

 

Not "list the ways in which you think I don't behave like a parent."

I realise that the thread is about how to respond to his email that's why my reply was " ignore". I did NOT say you're not behaving like a parent, I merely pointed out that you are trying to control your husband actions. This will never work, believe me, I have raised 2 boys without their alcoholic dads.

I was not attacking you. Just pointing out that your original post focusses on his behaviour, which is something you have no control over...as other replies have pointed out also.

[MJJean]

This is why you need to consult a lawyer. Those are all practical, nuts and bolts legal issues.

 

It's not about getting him to leave. It's about you getting away from him and cutting him out of your lives. Those are practical, legal matters.

 

You don't have to be nasty or confrontational, just definitive.

 

No he will not be pleasant about it at all times. But he is so dysfunctional he will not be able to put up much of an effective offense/defense. He will mostly just huff and puff and then when he does something inappropriate, you call the police.

 

You are the one that has to be proactive and make things happen. Your lawyer will guide you.

 

Yes. Very much, yes.

 

Not to sound like a broken record but they're right about the lawyer.

 

You should go for sole custody (sounds like you're on top of that) but I'd also want "exclusive use of the marital home." I think you also need to know what qualifies as legally separated so that you can begin counting down your 365. After that, your only communication with him should be about when he can have supervised visitation with his daughter. And that's only when he requests it and you find a time to fit it into your schedule.

 

Right now your reply to the email is pretty irrelevant because you have no legal footing to back up what you say. You can huff and puff but he can still come home and he can take his daughter wherever he likes. Get that cleared up and then you can go no contact except for where it relates to supervised visitation.

 

And this, too.

 

While you're working with a lawyer to file for legal separation and custody just give simple answers to communication from him. Yes, no, maybe, not right now, ok...that kind of thing. And then put him out of your mind other than the practical issues of getting separation, custody, and the financials in order.

[oldshirt]

The concern over the response to the email is fairly typical of a codependant/enabler. The house is burning down around them and they are worried about where the cap to the toothpaste is.

 

The response to the email is virtually irrelevant. Email him back pictures of ducks in th pond for all I care. If you don't want to respond to it at all, then don't, he doesn't matter anyway. He's not really there. All that's there is a humanoid full of mind altering chemicals.

[d0nnivain]

You need to go to Al-Anon It's a support group for people in love with alcoholics. Until you understand why you deal with his alcoholism, you can not move forward with your life or help your child properly. (I'm not saying you are a bad parent; I am saying you can be a better one)

[Babs22]

You need to go to Al-Anon It's a support group for people in love with alcoholics. Until you understand why you deal with his alcoholism, you can not move forward with your life or help your child properly. (I'm not saying you are a bad parent; I am saying you can be a better one)

 

I agree with d0nnivain. My brother was an alcoholic until he was 40. His wife divorced him too. Al-Anon helps you deal with the behaviors of the alcoholic. It would also be a good place for you to find support (kind of like coming here). My brother has been sober over 10 years, but he still has the alcoholic personality and has not been able to accomplish much in life. Lives with my sister, tries to pay child support. It is sad. If he decides to stay in your daughters life, it will be important for you to understand and when she is old enough, for her to understand how to interact with an alcoholic. Obviously, even if he gets sober, there are some things that never change. My brother still disappears for days, still is secretive and still fails to meet obligations. He is totally sober but continues to act this way. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom who cares so much.

I would see a lawyer now by the way. That person can help move the process along smoothly.

Answering the email? Only if you want to. I would keep it short sweet and to the point. My brother never gave his wife a hard time. He was too much of a drunk to try to control anything. Btw, It took many years (10?) after the divorce for him to sober up. He did stay involved in his kids lives the entire time (drunk and sober). It wasn't always pretty, nothing violent, he just let his kids down a lot. Good luck.