Friendship/Relationship during marriage

[Trishern]

I'm looking for some advice/opinions here.

I have been married to my wife for over 16 years. A few years ago she formed a friendship with a man at her work place. She says it was just a casual friendship but I know they were talking about his personal life/issues (she claims she never talked about anything personal about herself). I thought it was a little inappropriate for her to form a personal relationship like this during our marriage, especially as I later learned she took time out to see him off at the airport when he left the country. She normally goes to bed early, but in the weeks after he left I would often catch her communicating with him using IM at 4am in the morning (she tried to hide the fact when I came into the kitchen, but his "speech bubble" popped up while I was talkng to her asking why she was up so late.

She never really explained the relationship at the time, but the topic has recently come up again. It has always been a source of anguish for me, but she says I should forget it as it was a long time ago and it was nothing anyway, which doesn't seem consistent with what I knew about the relationship. I didn't realise how unhappy I was about this situation (which is now done and dusted as far as I know). Am I wrong to seek answers from her, or should I just find a way to forget about it?

[oldshirt]

I'm looking for some advice/opinions here.

I have been married to my wife for over 16 years. A few years ago she formed a friendship with a man at her work place. She says it was just a casual friendship but I know they were talking about his personal life/issues (she claims she never talked about anything personal about herself). I thought it was a little inappropriate for her to form a personal relationship like this during our marriage, especially as I later learned she took time out to see him off at the airport when he left the country. She normally goes to bed early, but in the weeks after he left I would often catch her communicating with him using IM at 4am in the morning (she tried to hide the fact when I came into the kitchen, but his "speech bubble" popped up while I was talkng to her asking why she was up so late.

She never really explained the relationship at the time, but the topic has recently come up again. It has always been a source of anguish for me, but she says I should forget it as it was a long time ago and it was nothing anyway, which doesn't seem consistent with what I knew about the relationship. I didn't realise how unhappy I was about this situation (which is now done and dusted as far as I know). Am I wrong to seek answers from her, or should I just find a way to forget about it?

 

At minimum this was an emotional affair and for all you know it may have been a full blown physical affair as well.

 

 

She did a great job of rugsweeping and gaslighting you (look up those terms if you are not familiar with them.

 

 

You were naïve and were played as a chump.

 

 

How long ago was this?

 

 

Are they still in contact?

 

 

Even if this guy is gone and they are no longer in contact, you are at great risk of her having another affair with someone else because she completely got away with this one. She had a very nice little romance and had virtually zero consequences. She has no reason not to pursue another one.

[MyEvilTwin]

I'm not against married women and men being friends.

 

I think I would not jump to conclusions that there was an affair if you have no such evidence. Assumptions can ruin marriages.

 

I think you have to take a look at the rest of your marriage and see if there are other issues.

 

Since this issue is over with anyway, why is it still on your mind, may I ask? How did it come up recently?

 

It does appear that the lack of disclosure of all the moments they shared talking bothered you, and that you felt excluded.

 

Girlfriends talk and believe me, they do not share with their husbands everything they talk about. Same goes for most men I believe.

 

So just because they were opposite genders does not mean an affair.

 

It could have been an affair, or not. Point is that you don't assume.

[Trishern]

It's the wife here.

 

I will reply and clarify.

Edited April 1, 2015 by Trishern
wrong posting

[Lion Heart]

Hi, it'd be great if you could.

[road]

It's the wife here.

 

I will reply and clarify.

 

 

It still does not matter red flags point to a PA. You want the truth demand a polygraph test. Dollars to doughnuts it was a PA.

[d0nnivain]

Married people are allowed to have friendships & even drive said friends to the airport. It's when those friendships need to be hidden from the marriage & secrecy comes in that it becomes a problem.

 

 

If this was innocent, she needed to be more transparent about her interactions with him from the beginning.

[autumnnight]

It still does not matter red flags point to a PA. You want the truth demand a polygraph test. Dollars to doughnuts it was a PA.

 

You realize you just posted to the wife.

[Trishern]

It’s Trishern’s wife here - two sides to every story

 

 

Just to give some clarity.The guy was working at my company for a short while and he was thecousin of my female co-worker and friend of mine.]That’s how I came to know him. The three ofus would go to lunch together at work and we became friendly. He later returnedto his home country and we kept in touch for a short while as friends.

 

 

My H says he later found out I saw him off at the airport,but I was the one who told my H about it. I told him, because it wasn’t a secret and I wasn’t hiding anything, I didn’t sneak or do this on the sly.

 

 

My H is also exaggerating about me being up at 4am to IM. Probably 2am, but we had infants at the time and I was often up quite late. I have notbeen in contact with him or his cousin for over 11 years. I have no idea where he is and I have no desire to.

 

 

With the knowledge I have now, I can see that other stuff going on in our marriage back then, likely contributed to my H making assumptions. We have managed to work through those issues and this only came up because I mentioned my H still being in contact with his Ex and that I wanted it to stop. Because of the responses he got here, clearly telling him he should cut contact, he decided to post this.I don’t think he understood how this continued contact for 18 years has beengetting to me.

 

 

I see no reason to keep in touch with any of my Ex’s, much less discuss intimate aspects of my marriage with them. My H and I have been doing really good recently, I want it to stay that way and all I want is the Ex out of the picture.

 

 

Mrs. Trishern

Edited April 1, 2015 by Trishern
bad script wrong positing

[readynow]

It’s Trishern’s wife here - two sides to every story

Mrs. Trishern

 

Well, this is awkward...

[d0nnivain]

If the two people are talking to each other about this & sharing a LS account it seems they are on the road to healing. Good for them!

[MJJean]

It’s Trishern’s wife here - two sides to every story

 

 

Just to give some clarity.The guy was working at my company for a short while and he was thecousin of my female co-worker and friend of mine.]That’s how I came to know him. The three ofus would go to lunch together at work and we became friendly. He later returnedto his home country and we kept in touch for a short while as friends.

 

 

My H says he later found out I saw him off at the airport,but I was the one who told my H about it. I told him, because it wasn’t a secret and I wasn’t hiding anything, I didn’t sneak or do this on the sly.

 

 

My H is also exaggerating about me being up at 4am to IM. Probably 2am, but we had infants at the time and I was often up quite late. I have notbeen in contact with him or his cousin for over 11 years. I have no idea where he is and I have no desire to.

 

 

With the knowledge I have now, I can see that other stuff going on in our marriage back then, likely contributed to my H making assumptions. We have managed to work through those issues and this only came up because I mentioned my H still being in contact with his Ex and that I wanted it to stop. Because of the responses he got here, clearly telling him he should cut contact, he decided to post this.I don’t think he understood how this continued contact for 18 years has beengetting to me.

 

 

I see no reason to keep in touch with any of my Ex’s, much less discuss intimate aspects of my marriage with them. My H and I have been doing really good recently, I want it to stay that way and all I want is the Ex out of the picture.

 

 

Mrs. Trishern

 

I just last night had to cut contact with a male friend and ex-lover because it made my DH uncomfortable. No argument, no debate. He saw ex as a threat to him and/or our marriage. I value my DH and my marriage, so I don't want to make him feel insecure or hurt his feelings. So, ok, much as it sucks my ex and friend no longer exists to me. Period.

 

I have, many years ago now, had to ask my DH to cut contact with an ex of his. So, I know how both sides feel.

 

I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with a brief friendship with someone who came to your country temporarily for work (It's called hospitality, folks!) and who you remained friendly with when he went back home until it fizzled out.

 

Having had 3 kids, I don't see anything suspicious about being up late and chatting with someone who is awake due to time difference. I've done it myself. When the kids went back to sleep and I couldn't, I'd get bored out of my mind and chat with anyone I knew who was awake.

 

I also don't see anything wrong with asking your DH to cease contact with an ex if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

So, the question is why did OP bring up the 11 year old friendship that doesn't even exist anymore and hasn't for years when his wife asked him to cease contact with his ex? These are two entirely separate situations and aren't comparable.

[harrybrown]

hopefully you both can see how important boundaries are for you and your spouse.

 

I hope your communication continues and you are able to help each other heal from the pain and have better boundaries in the future.

[troubledhusband]

My ex-wife used to talk to her ex-husband (1st husband, I was 2nd) on the phone about the problems we had... But she also used to hate my girl friends with whom I never had any physical interaction.

 

It is when she made me sacrifice my friendship with my best friend from college (yes she's a woman and they got along find in the beginning) that I made her stop talking to her ex husband in return. She seemed to have collaborated at least when we were home, I don't doubt for one second that she didn't call him from work.

 

So ya... the past is the past and having a intimate affair with someone else is wrong no matter if it gets physical or not.

 

 

Another example, I've been talking to a woman co-worker lately that she just got married as I am going through my divorce. It turns out that we talk a bit too much personal details about me and her mostly relationship and just simple chit chat. However, we never keep that chats longer than 5 to 10 mins and never more than once or twice a week even duh we work on the same floor. I never took lunch with her, although I once asked her she politely declined it and we never talked outside of work. I can't even classify her as a friend to be honest, but more as a close co-worker that gets me and I opened up to her just as much as she opened up to me and we kept it pro.