blackcat777 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I'm not married, but this is something I see people sometimes mention that they do. Do you share your passwords for devices and social media with your spouse? Why or why not? I don't know the password for my boyfriend's phone and I'd never want to know. I feel like doubts, questions, and misunderstandings could become poison in my mind. I see my girlfriends snoop through their guys' phones and it strikes me as so disrespectful, it turns my stomach. I do understand that there is a fundamental difference between two married people agreeing to share, and one person spying on the other without consent. Plus, my boyfriend is so technologically brilliant that if he wants to keep something a secret from me... he'd find a way to do it, no matter what. He pwns me at bitcoins and Linux. So, really, even if we were to ever share passwords at any point, I'd still be taking a huge leap of faith. (I have complete faith in him.) I do also feel like everyone is entitled to their own private mental space, and technology is an extension of that. I don't need my partner to know every single thought in my mind at every moment, and I don't need to know all of his. I don't care about what porn he watches on the days we're not together. I don't think he gives two hoots about me ranting about my period to my girlfriends in a language of Pusheen emoticons, either. I don't think any of that requires surveillance. I've seen some threads about problems in a relationship uncovered by spying or sharing. I'd feel better, personally, knowing my relationship is based on trust, a trust that he would tell me when something is wrong, rather than me trying to be Sherlock Holmes to figure him out. Could I be blindsided? Maybe, but at least I'd know I gave him nothing but 110% of my trust with an open heart. I'm not happy living like a guarded person. (I also read 1984 waaaay too many times. ) This is just my thought process and opinion! I'd love to hear other people's perspectives about why they do or don't share passwords. It was never something I ever considered until reading threads here; I've previously only seen snooping without the other person's consent in bad faith. Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Me and my husband have each other's phone lock passwords (actually we both have the same one) and share a computer so I guess we're pretty open and trusting. He just gave me his information one day despite me saying he didn't have to so I reciprocated. We still ask before touching the other's phone though and my Facebook password is private so there are boundaries. If my husband never wanted to give me his passwords I'd respect that absolutely, I think it's crazy when people insist they have that information and use it as a weapon to spy. Link to post Share on other sites
contact1 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 My ex-wife and I did share our passowrds, as there really wasn't anything to hide, at least on my end. And I never went snooping around, honestly the only time I would unlock her phone was to make a call when I couldn't find my phone. I will say my phone did have a complex pattern lock, more so due to work reasons, having to keep it lock as I received confidential information all the time on the phone, but I had no problem unlocking my phone for her when she needed to use it to call or look something up on the web. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I find a balance best - I think it's very mistrustful and controlling for anyone to INSIST on having access to every single one of their partner's accounts, and I could never be with someone who did that. But on the other hand if a couple has been together for many years and both people have not shared even one password of their own accord, that wouldn't be the right relationship for me either. Personally we each know most of each others' passwords, simply because they came up eventually at some point or other, for practical reasons. I had a smartphone first so he used it sometimes. His computer has more games than mine so I use it sometimes. Sometimes he asks me to check his email for him if he's away without internet access. So on and so forth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I've never asked her for a password, but I know a few. And same vice versa. She knows my phone passcode so she can check my calendar, I know her iTunes so I can share stuff between our apple accounts, she knows my email from various attachments she's needed to access. How can you live with someone, and share a life with them, and not need to know varies passcodes etc? Most of my passwords are a variation on the same thing anyways. Though now most websites need a capital letter, a exclamation mark, a drop of walrus blood and you to hula hoop consecutively for 2 mins before they deem it 'strong' enough. Basically I don't care what passwords she knows, shes welcome to have any of them. But i'd take great offence at her 'needing' to know them like I cant be trusted. Likewise I couldn't give a $%!* about her passwords, I don't have time to check my own accounts let alone hers, but if I need them for a purpose id be taken aback if she wouldn't give them to me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaxAHCruel Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 No I do not. They do not require it. So no reason to. I would not anyway. The passwords on my accounts do not just protect my privacy. But the privacy of anyone who calls me "friend" or "family". And things shared with me in confidence are shared with ME in confidence. Not my partners. My solicitor has an envelope with all my passwords. Should I pop the clogs he is entrusted with scimming through those accounts and facilitating any requirements anyone might have. Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) Would never share. It's an invasion of privacy and have you ever seen what exes do to people's social media accounts after a breakup when they have the password??. They destroy them. A female employee of mine was reduced to tears several times one week after a breakup. I'd never seen anyone lose it so many times in a week from a breakup. I thought she was going nuts. Turns out he went and deleted her instagram, Facebook pictures, posted secrets about her on her timeline and will spend all day ruining hers by changing the music she is listening to on Spotify. She lost years of pictures and was quite upset since that's where her memories were. Edited March 31, 2015 by loveweary11 Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Our antivirus has a password auto fill option, which we both use. So we could log on to emails, Facebook, etc, and neither would know. We have each other's phone passwords as well because we often use the others phone. Not a big deal. The only info I don't have access to is his work email. I wouldn't want to read that anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 We know each other's phone unlock passwords, but there was never a big "let's exchange" ceremony. We simply learned them organically over time as we've been together. (For example, he's driving the car so I unlock his phone and look up what information he needs.) I would never dream of snooping around his phone, though. Other than that we haven't shared any other passwords. I have no desire to check his e-mail or Facebook. I have enough of my own crap to deal with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I find a balance best - I think it's very mistrustful and controlling for anyone to INSIST on having access to every single one of their partner's accounts, and I could never be with someone who did that. But on the other hand if a couple has been together for many years and both people have not shared even one password of their own accord, that wouldn't be the right relationship for me either. Makes sense to me. Married 25+ years, there's no PC, device or account of mine my W isn't welcome to access or use. Not much she could find out about me she doesn't already know . Although, as a father of 4 I do realize this issue may divide along generational lines. All of my kids think smartphone access and connection speed are #11 on the Bill of Rights and, with their whole lives digitized, would probably be more guarded about sharing... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Makes sense to me. Married 25+ years, there's no PC, device or account of mine my W isn't welcome to access or use. Not much she could find out about me she doesn't already know . Although, as a father of 4 I do realize this issue may divide along generational lines. All of my kids think smartphone access and connection speed are #11 on the Bill of Rights and, with their whole lives digitized, would probably be more guarded about sharing... Mr. Lucky My wife and I have a small set of go-to passwords/PINs that we end up using on most of our individual accounts -- I don't see a problem in sharing. My two teenage sons would definitely vote to add this 11th Bill of Right! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 He used to know mine and I used to know his. I changed them all after the D. However, I have learned the hard way that nothing on a computer or digital device is ever 100% secure. A person whose tech savvy and moral compass are inversely proportionate can get into pretty much anything, sadly. I did have a journal way back when that was basically a word document with the months bookmarked. Those were supposed to be my private feelings and thoughts. He read it and got all upset (not because I had big secrets about behavior but because I was gut level honest about how I felt about being so neglected). At the time I felt bad and tried to appease him. Looking back, all I did in that journal was tell the truth, and if he didn't want to feel crappy about the kind of H he was he shouldn't have read it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillmind Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 My husband and I use the same passwords for everything. It seems strange not to. We use the same Netflix account and alternate tablets, pay bills on one another's laptops, check one another's facebooks depending on which computer is handy, check each others' messages depending on who is by the phone... I dunno, it just seems odd. I can't imagine having to go on the hunt for my tablet if I want to check something on the internet when his tablet is sitting right there. We don't go out of our way to snoop on each other, but having separate passwords would be a PITA. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I don't believe there is such a thing as spying when you're married. Neither does my DH. We have each others passwords and pin for everything, personal and business. We never talked about it or planned it that way. It just happened naturally. One of us would get an account or join a service and just give with the other the password just in case it was ever needed for some reason. I mean, why not? We share credit accounts, bank accounts, a mortgage, etc. Not to mention the shared children and pets! It would seem silly to not share passwords, too. If everything were to fall apart, access to each others phones, emails, and social media would be the least of our worries. We use each others phones interchangeably, but we do usually mention it first by saying something like "Can I use that real fast?" or "I'm grabbing your phone for a sec to..." I remember when we were living together, a few months or so before we married, and my DH's friend came over. DH asked me to run a couple errands including a trip to the ATM for him so he could stay home and visit with his friend. His buddy was shocked! He couldn't understand how my DH could let me have his ATM pin and still be able to sleep at night. DH said "Friend, she has my child. An ATM pin is nothing compared to that." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 We know each others phone passwords just because it has come up and we've needed to check the others phone, most likely the first time it was when one of us was driving. Email, no, but we do have passwords for other accounts that we have shared with each other such as Amazon Prime. Neither of us use facebook so that's not an issue. If I did use it, I wouldn't share that password and wouldn't expect her to. I suppose if one of us wanted to snoop through the others email we could sneak a peek on their phone, but I don't have any reason to do that and neither does she. ATM pin: I think we've shared those once or twice but neither of us would, or had a need to, commit it to memory. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Makes sense to me. Married 25+ years, there's no PC, device or account of mine my W isn't welcome to access or use. Not much she could find out about me she doesn't already know . Although, as a father of 4 I do realize this issue may divide along generational lines. All of my kids think smartphone access and connection speed are #11 on the Bill of Rights and, with their whole lives digitized, would probably be more guarded about sharing... Mr. Lucky I got a chuckle out of the bolded because I have a dirty mind! I read that and thought "No joke! 15 years together and 12 married, I could go right to DH's favorite porn site and find the one that flips his switches within 30 seconds without using the browser history!" I support the proposed #11 on the Bill of Rights. I'm 39 and my entire life is digitized. I love it! I wouldn't share my accounts, screen names, passwords, etc. with anyone and I am mildly electronic security paranoid, but DH isn't anyone. We're part of each other. Ya know, one flesh and all that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 No I do not. They do not require it. So no reason to. I would not anyway. The passwords on my accounts do not just protect my privacy. But the privacy of anyone who calls me "friend" or "family". And things shared with me in confidence are shared with ME in confidence. Not my partners. My solicitor has an envelope with all my passwords. Should I pop the clogs he is entrusted with scimming through those accounts and facilitating any requirements anyone might have. My friends and family already know that anything they tell me they might as well be telling y DH, too. I don't need to worry about protecting their privacy because they're aware of my no secrets policy. Great idea leaving your passwords with your attorney. I have an old fashioned address book in the important papers files. On the first page I wrote all of my account log in info. Shopping, utilities and credit cards as well as all of my forums and social media, everythings there. I told DH that if I should die he'll need to know the business side of things so he can continue to pay the bills. I also asked that he log into all of my regularly visited forums and social media to inform internet friends of my passing. I think everyone should do that. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 We share all our passwords and account info. We generally leave email open. We share one smart phone, so obviously see everything we wish. We don't snoop in each other's accounts, but we have permission to read anything we wish. We actually respect privacy, and have never had reason to hide or snoop anything. It's all very convenient. So if my FWB calls and wants to schedule sometime with me while my wife has the phone, she can check my calendar and do that for me! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chump_No_More Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Having been in two marriages that ended from my spouse cheating, I have very strong opinions, expectations and boundaries, when it comes to this topic. Absolutely, a person is entitled to privacy... In your thoughts, performing unattractive bodily functions (lol), but that's as far as it goes. A marriage/LTR can't survive on anything less than full transparency. That means full access to devices, accounts, etc. There's a saying, "trust but verify". Most folks don't understand that while love is an act of will, attraction is not a choice. Quite often folks can't spot when they've crossed a boundary until it's too late. Dr Shirley Glass describes this very well in 'Not Just Friends'. It's subtle and insidious. Before you know it, you're getting dopamine hits and you don't know how to stop seeking more, as it continues to escalate. A study detailed that the number one cause of infidelity is opportunity. How do you minimize opportunity? By not isolating with the opposite sex physically *or* virtually. How do you honor your mate and your commitment? By being mindful and imagining them as always being by your side and observing how you conduct yourself. If your behavior/actions would hurt them, don't do it. Use the 'reasonable man' theory... Would a reasonable, functional adult be concerned, offended, or hurt by your actions? Lastly, The biggest red flag that is in a cheater's script is to lock down devices and accounts. If you want to maintain an atmosphere of trust and minimize anxiety, then full transparency is the rule. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 There's a saying, "trust but verify". While I agree and I too have had reasons in my past to be suspicious, my ex cheated on me, I rarely feel the need to verify. I guess that's why my ex got sloppy and got caught, I typically trust unless there's a blatant reason not to. As far as passwords, my (current) wife and I don't explicitly share, but she knows where I keep them and is welcome to look at what ever they open and she grants me the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 My husband and I know each other's smartphone keyboard locks, but I don't know his Imac's password and he doesn't know my PC password. Why? Guess neither one of us have asked yet. (I'm a PC and he's a Mac - neither one of us, even in desperation, wanted to use the other's computer yet!) We're looking at buying an ipad or surface together so I guess that would be shared. While I believe that he deserves his privacy and I mine - and we both try to respect that - in marriage, few things are private anymore. If I ever wanted his password and he felt uncomfortable giving it to me (again, I'm a PC - can't imagine any need to use his Mac), I'd have a misgiving or two. But, I don't see that happening. I certainly don't mind him having my password if he asked. I think it depends on the relationship, the level of trust and what's important to the two of you. As for snooping, I have absolutely no desire to snoop. I can't imagine he has any desire to snoop on me either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 My BF gave me his iPad passcode this weekend so I could play some music while we were getting dinner together. He also knows my Netflix login 'cause we use my account on his TV. That's it so far, as far as sharing is concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
TaxAHCruel Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 My friends and family already know that anything they tell me they might as well be telling y DH, too. I don't need to worry about protecting their privacy because they're aware of my no secrets policy. There is an element of that in my relationship too. But it is contextual. There are some things that I either realise myself - or have been specified explicitly - are for my ears / knowledge only. And I respect that. Suffice it to say however - that when someone keeps passwords and does not share them with their partners - it is not because - as many people on threads like this suggest - because they have "something to hide". There are genuine reasons for it. And often it is not their own privacy they are protecting but the privacy of anyone who communicates with them through the password protected medium. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
troubledhusband Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 My ex-wife asked me for all and every single password to all accounts including work email. She would check up on me regularly including over Find my iPhone feature to see where on the map I am. Notice how the above paragraph started with "ex-wife"? That's because if there is no trust there is no relationship. Yes, I agree to share passwords and it comes in handy. But the use of the passwords is one thing and being obsessive and trying to find some flow in your your partner is another. To be honest, I think her "insecurities" were there because she was either unhappy looking for a way out or because she was the one that had something to hide (be it as simply as being happy and looking for the way out or as wrong as cheating which again goes back to being unhappy). So ya... share the passwords all you want. At the end of the day it doesn't really change anything but it shows that you have trust since you most likely have nothing to hide, do you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Share all passwords, hide nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
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