My wife text messaged me that she has feelings for another woman

[InlandEmpireMan]

But says that she hasn’t cheated on me.

 

I’m 37, wife is 35, and our son is 7. We’ve been together for 17 years and married for 14 of them.

 

Yesterday morning while I’m sitting at work I get a text from her that says we need to talk. I say okay, thinking she’ll talk to me after we got out of work and are at home together.

Instead, she texts me I THINK I HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE. IT’S NOT WHAT YOU’RE THINKING THOUGH. IT’S A WOMAN. My anger gets the best of me and reply with SO NOW YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU’RE A DYKE?

Her next text says SEE, THAT’S WHY I DIDN’T WANT TO TALK 2 U ABOUT THIS IN PERSON. BECUZ YOU ACT LIKE THIS.

After I can’t believe what she’s saying, she says I FEEL ASHAMED & EMBARRASSED ENOUGH AS IT IS. I COULDN’T HIDE THIS FROM YOU, BUT I’M AFRAID YOU’RE GOING TO GET ANGRY.

 

When we discussed the matter in the privacy of our own home, she says she felt the need to be honest with me but was afraid as to how I’d respond. She says that when I get angry or hurt, I slam doors, say very mean things under my breath, and if I’m really upset, I’ll jump in my truck and drive away like a maniac, peeling out of the parking lot. She said she texted me about this because she didn’t want to see any of that.

 

The other woman is her dentist. My wife has been going to this big corporate dentist practice for the past 2 months. They do everything you can imagine there, they’re an all-in-one place. My wife is getting some routine work done, additional cleanings and cosmetic dentistry, so she’s been there quite a bit. I’d say at least 8 times over the past 2 months and has a few more to go to. As my wife explained it and I’ll do my best to relay that to you out there, is that at first, she just thought her dentist was pretty. My wife has often commented about other women being pretty, but so have her friends and so do my female relatives, so she didn’t think any of it. Then, after her 3rd visit, she noticed that she was excited to see her dentist. As she describes it, her face would light up when her dentist would come out to greet her. They spent most of the time that they were talking with gigantic smiles on their faces and my wife said she felt very happy in her presence. She says that by the 4th visit, she knew that something was going on within herself, but had doubts and casted them aside. That was until the OW/Dentist came out and my wife felt butterflies in her stomach and then the OW held her hand all the way to the exam room; my wife says she felt a lightning bolt run through her body. The OW did this to reassure my wife about a procedure and made her calm by rubbing her shoulder and arm. I asked her if this was out of the ordinary and she said that healthcare professionals often do this to calm the patients’ nerves. She said she wasn’t deluding herself into thinking it way anything sexual, all that concerned my wife was the way that she felt about it. Again they spent that visit laughing and getting along quite well. On the 5th visit, OW comments about how beautiful my wife is and that she wanted to tell her that she loved her outfit the last time; my wife enjoys the attention and so she says, it really freaks her out.

 

W says that while waiting for the 6th appointment, she was ready to cancel, but it was the day before and had to go. On this visit, W says that felt completely taken with the OW, so much that now she’s acting different with her and now is putting up a wall. My W says that instead of laughing and have a great time, she makes sure she is deadpan and unreceptive. The OW asks her if she’s okay or if she’s nervous. When she’s about to give her a shot to numb her mouth, OW begins to rub her arm and my W stops her and tells her that she’s had a cold and doesn’t want the OW to catch it because she’s been coughing all over herself. My W says she runs out the business, a wreck.

This 6th appointment was 2 weeks ago. W says she spent a week agonizing over this and questioning her sexuality and what it meant for our marriage. She said she figured if she was gay, she wouldn’t be attracted to any men, but she’s still attracted to me and obviously guys she meets while she’s out. She’s still confused, still looking forward to see OW again, and is obsessing over this.

 

Before going to her 7th appointment, she calls to meet with the head guy in charge who also works her file and she requests that she be transferred to another dentist. She says that when the man consistently asks her if the OW didn’t do a good job, she asks him if she provide the real reason to him “off the record” and won’t be attached to her medical file. He agrees and she tells him the issue. He laughs and says THIS IS A FIRST, but thanks her for her honesty and agrees to transfer her. This hurts me because she revealed her feelings to this guy before she talked to me about it.

 

On her 7th appointment, she sits in the corner of the office lobby, just in case OW might come out but they don’t run into each other.

 

My wife said that she has no delusions about this and this is about her own feelings, now the OW. She says she has no chance with the OW and vice versa (OW is married with 4 kids). She said her own feelings freaked her out and scared her.

She said that while she imagined what it would be like to hang out with the OW and hold her and kiss her, that’s where it ended. She said sex with another female doesn’t sound appealing.

I asked her about the qualities she saw in the OW and she said that she’s kind, gentle, takes very good care of her and goes out of her way to do so and it doesn’t hurt that she’s beautiful. She said that if they knew each other outside of the office, that they would probably be very good friends kind of thing.

 

Background:

We haven’t had sex in almost 6 months. I’ve had ED trouble and we’ve had issues for a while. About 3 months ago, my W threatened to leave me; she said that even though she’s willing to be supportive of my issues, I had to show her I was doing something about them. As of that time, I hadn’t visited the doctor or researched the issue for myself or tried to eat better or exercise (I’m a little out of shape). I still haven’t done that even though I keep promising her. I want to work on it for us and have a good sex life but I get tired and lazy. I work many hours and have to put time in while at home. Before my wife had gone to this dentist, she commented to me that EVERYDAY YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS ISSUE, IS A SLAP IN THE FACE TO ME AND OUR MARRIAGE.

She also says that when something happens that I don’t like, that I act like a teenager throwing a temper tantrum; I slam doors, sometimes throw things (not at her)- like if I have a pen, I’ll throw it at my desk, or I’ll need to take a drive but I make sure she sees and hears me and I peel out of the parking lot and drive fast. When she wanted to leave me 3 months, she also mentioned these issues in addition to our sex life. She said she’s tired of it all and that I work at our marriage for a week or so and then when things get back to normal and we’re happy again, I get lazy and don’t do anything to keep working on it.

 

After talking about things, she said that she still loves me but she’s been unhappy in the marriage for a while, way before this OW (this is true). She also says she’s never felt this way about a woman before.

She doesn’t know what to do about these feelings and thinks she needs to see a therapist.

I love her and don’t want her to leave, but am confused over her feelings. I couldn’t imagine my life without her and I see how much pain she’s been in over these ED troubles of mine. I want to have sex with her, I really do, but I’m out of shape and then my mind messes with me and I get stressed and anxious. She says I don’t bring up the sex issue enough and that over the past 6 months, I’ve only addressed the issue a couple of times.

I don’t bring it up because I know it will start a fight and I just want us to be happy.

 

I’m also hurt about her feelings for someone else and the fact that they are over a woman. I think we both feel lost and confused. I think she wants to stay with me, I mean, she’s still here. And I don’t want to lose her.

[InlandEmpireMan]

Anyone? Any advice?

[pteromom]

It sounds like your wife was very smart the way she handled it. She realized she was getting feelings and took the initiative to not see the woman again. So good for her for that!

 

I don't think your wife is necessarily a lesbian. I think she is desperately LONELY. She is ripe for an affair. This woman laughed with her and made her feel attractive, and your wife's feelings - the ones she has been wishing she could have toward you - just flew out of her.

 

Her going to therapy to work through that is a good thing. She sounds like a smart woman.

 

So what can you do? Let's focus on the parts of this you have control over:

 

We haven’t had sex in almost 6 months. I’ve had ED trouble and we’ve had issues for a while.

 

You can't help having ED, but you can hold your wife, and kiss your wife, and make her feel beautiful. You can "take care" of her in other ways, even with ED. You can make sure she knows that your ED isn't her fault.

 

I want to work on it for us and have a good sex life but I get tired and lazy.

 

OK... but if you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. So don't blame her when she leaves.

 

She also says that when something happens that I don’t like, that I act like a teenager throwing a temper tantrum; I slam doors, sometimes throw things (not at her)- like if I have a pen, I’ll throw it at my desk, or I’ll need to take a drive but I make sure she sees and hears me and I peel out of the parking lot and drive fast.

 

Well, you sound like a lot of fun to live with. Can you really blame her for telling you via text? It probably took all her courage just to do that!

 

Again, when you choose behaviors, you choose the consequences. And when you choose to react with anger, you are choosing to close the door to communication and shut down love.

 

I love her and don’t want her to leave, but am confused over her feelings.

 

She wants to be LOVED. She longs so much to be loved, that she felt it toward the first person who hinted at it.

 

I’m also hurt about her feelings for someone else and the fact that they are over a woman.

 

She can't help her feelings. But she can help her actions, and she did a very good job managing those.

 

I think we both feel lost and confused. I think she wants to stay with me, I mean, she’s still here. And I don’t want to lose her.

 

Then it is time to man up and quit being lazy.

[BlueIris]

Anyone? Any advice?

 

Take on your ED and anger/temper issues. I give you credit for explaining your own mistakes and shortcomings, and presenting your Wife’s position as well. Most posters don’t, so actually, I think you’re way ahead of the norm! So now take on your issues and overcome them.

[rester]

Counseling, either together or individual or both. You need to work through your anger issues and she needs to figure out what she really wants.

 

It's a tough situation and I don't have any better advice, but coming from someone who has dealt regularly with people with anger issues, I can say that it's very difficult to be around and it may be much more of an issue than you could imagine. The fact that your wife had to text you because she feared you would blow up at here is not good and this is going to take a lot of work to recover from. I think you need to start proving that you have control over your temper if you want to make this work.

[InlandEmpireMan]

Thank you everyone. When I get angry, I get hurt. And I always feel like I'm going to lose her. Last night she said you're so afraid you're going to lose me, that you do the very things that will cause you to lose me.

 

I guess we have a lot to work on. And as for me, more than I wanted to admit.

[InlandEmpireMan]

Thanks for the very detailed response. I'm going to print them out and show them to my wife.

 

It sounds like your wife was very smart the way she handled it. She realized she was getting feelings and took the initiative to not see the woman again. So good for her for that!

 

I don't think your wife is necessarily a lesbian. I think she is desperately LONELY. She is ripe for an affair. This woman laughed with her and made her feel attractive, and your wife's feelings - the ones she has been wishing she could have toward you - just flew out of her.

 

Her going to therapy to work through that is a good thing. She sounds like a smart woman.

 

So what can you do? Let's focus on the parts of this you have control over:

 

 

 

You can't help having ED, but you can hold your wife, and kiss your wife, and make her feel beautiful. You can "take care" of her in other ways, even with ED. You can make sure she knows that your ED isn't her fault.

 

 

 

OK... but if you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. So don't blame her when she leaves.

 

 

 

Well, you sound like a lot of fun to live with. Can you really blame her for telling you via text? It probably took all her courage just to do that!

 

Again, when you choose behaviors, you choose the consequences. And when you choose to react with anger, you are choosing to close the door to communication and shut down love.

 

 

 

She wants to be LOVED. She longs so much to be loved, that she felt it toward the first person who hinted at it.

 

 

 

She can't help her feelings. But she can help her actions, and she did a very good job managing those.

 

 

 

Then it is time to man up and quit being lazy.

[whichwayisup]

Gonna be blunt, but I do care and I mean this respectfully.... Stop being lazy and take your health overall more seriously. Check your ego and GO see the DR. Get help for your ED. Open up and talk about it with your Dr, maybe he/she can refer you to a good marriage counselor so you can feel better about yourself and feel less pressure.

 

You and your wife really need to go to marriage counseling because each of you have issues, your marriage has problems and you both have trouble communicating to one another. It's HARD work, but well worth it. Especially if you want your wife to stay and be married to you. Right now neither of you are happy, I mean when was the last time you two went on a date night? Cuddled and just spent time together, laughed and had fun?

 

Intimacy, kissing, hand holding, cuddling, saying I love you and being passionate towards each other is just as important as they actual physical act of sex.

[Mr. Lucky]

We haven’t had sex in almost 6 months. I’ve had ED trouble and we’ve had issues for a while. About 3 months ago, my W threatened to leave me; she said that even though she’s willing to be supportive of my issues, I had to show her I was doing something about them. As of that time, I hadn’t visited the doctor or researched the issue for myself or tried to eat better or exercise (I’m a little out of shape). I still haven’t done that even though I keep promising her. I want to work on it for us and have a good sex life but I get tired and lazy. I work many hours and have to put time in while at home. Before my wife had gone to this dentist, she commented to me that EVERYDAY YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS ISSUE, IS A SLAP IN THE FACE TO ME AND OUR MARRIAGE.

 

I guess my first reaction is - don't you miss having sex ? You've given up something pretty precious and important seemingly without objection. I'm mystified by that.

 

I had a cardiac issue in 2010 and, when the resulting prescriptions caused occasional ED, my wife and I were sampling medications like kids in a candy store (I can tell you from experience, don't get confused and take two Viagra in the same night ). Trust me, they work like a charm and the required communication can actually be good for your sex life.

 

Many wives on here avoid sex, yours is demanding it ! What the heck are you waiting for?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trimmer]

I think you've gotten good and caring advice above - I don't have a lot more to add to that. But I did pick up one intriguing thing from your post.

 

I don't believe you ever described your behaviors around your wife from your perspective. Each time, you said "My wife says that when I get angry or hurt, I..." or "She also says that when something happens that I don’t like, that I act..."

 

What is your perception of your behavior in these situations?

[kamani]

Hadn't sex for 6 months? Don't you masturbate? Do you masturbate while she is sleeping?

 

I agree with the first poster that your wife is a smart woman and had handled things nicely. She loves you and you run the risk of losing her if you don't want to work on the issue. She is in a sexless marriage now.

 

I too don't think she is lesbian, may be bi. It's less about the problem of her sexuality, you need to put an effort and be willing to change.

[Rainbowlove]

Well...

 

Let me start by saying, this happens a lot...more than most people realize.

 

I'm not saying your wife is a lesbian (dyke, btw...is really offensive)...but she could very well be.

 

Try to be more supportive and open your ears...shove your ego aside for a moment. If she's confused about her sexuality...give her the support to figure it out b/c neither one of you want to be in a marriage where one partner is gay and the other is not.

 

Expect these feeling for her to intensify.

 

I am a lesbian and have been out for over 20 years. I became friends with a "straight" Mormon woman...who was married for over 2 decades with a handful of children. She had never had any attractions to women either and she was middle 40's prior to meeting me. We fell hard for each other...and both tried to resist it...but succumbed to our attraction and had an affair.

 

She's now out.

 

There are a lot of late blooming lesbians, sorry to say.

 

It took your wife some serious courage to tell you the truth of her attraction to this OW. It's hard to say...hey, I might be gay....and to tell it to your straight spouse...even harder.

 

Try to have some compassion for her.

 

If she's gay, you can't change it and neither can she.

[Thicke2013]

OP this may sound a bit off to most, but I actually think you are in a good position. Meaning, you are in the drivers seat. You have a wife that loves you enough to tell you what she wants. She has not been passive-aggressive (at least from what I can tell in your posts) about where you are lacking. Most times, one partner or the other tip toes around what they actually want or need and are lacking in a relationship.

 

 

I don't think your wife is a lesbian. What I think is that she is starving for attention and affection. She wants to be loved. You say you love her but you don't show it. She tells you what is wrong and where you are lacking and rather than fixing it, you get busy and lazy. You say you don't want to lose her then prove it. Work out, get healthy, make better choices when it comes to food. Go to the doctor and talk about your ED and try medication if that is what it takes. Your wife is tired of empty words. She wants and needs to see actions.

 

 

It's obvious to me that she loves you because she is still there and she hasn't cheated on you. She did exactly what a married person should. She told you exactly what was going on in her head and heart. There are many BS's and divorced spouses on this forum that would have loved the same opportunity that you have here. She has put the ball in your court. You really only have 2 options. Action, or no action. Choose wisely OP.

[pteromom]

I guess my first reaction is - don't you miss having sex ? You've given up something pretty precious and important seemingly without objection. I'm mystified by that.

 

It's hard to imagine unless you are dealing with it, but no, when you have zero sex drive, you don't miss sex.

 

And when you are married to someone with zero drive, it is very important for you to understand that your spouse's apathy about sex has nothing to do with you or your desirability. It comes from within.

 

Still - when you are married, you have to make an effort to meet the other person's needs. So even if OP doesn't want sex and can't find a solution to his ED, he needs to go buy a good vibrator and get in there and make his wife happy.

 

He has to be able to put his own ego aside enough to want her to be satisfied, and she has to be able to put her insecurities aside enough to be understanding about his challenges.

[Mr. Lucky]

So even if OP doesn't want sex and can't find a solution to his ED, he needs to go buy a good vibrator and get in there and make his wife happy.

We're on the same page though your thoughts better expressed. I was using "sex" as shorthand for the entire physical and intimate connection with his spouse. Can't imagine voluntarily giving that up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[me85]

You both need counselling...together & separately. Please get started with therapy right away.

[Mal78]

I understand you are very hurt by all this. I'm wondering, do you believe these are sexual feelings

she had or was your wife attracted to the warmth and affection this women gave her when she was vulnerable (oral surgeries/procedures puts you in a very vulnerable position it also puts you very "up-close and personal" with your dentist at lengths. Your wife might of also interpreted wrong.

 

My dentist is a very handsome "older" man (so we could hypothetically put that in the same category as "gay/dyke" attraction). I could be attracted to other men (or find them attractive) but never anyone 5-10 years older... YUCK (for effect). However, my dentist is at least 20 years older than me!! I am attracted to much more than just his appearance. He is kind, sweet, attentive, assuring, empathetic...ect. These are also GREAT qualities in a healthcare professional/dentist.

 

Your wife to the right and nessisary steps. Obviously, if this women (or if it was a man) gave her the creeps and was anxious around her she would go through the same steps to protect herself.

 

If she feels it is strong enough feeling that she wants to seek IC... support her. Don't shame her.

 

It's quite refreshing to see a situation like yours here on LS. It's often never in the order that your wife resolved/escalated it.

 

Please stop calling this Dentist, "the OW". I don't think she fits the category.

Edited January 29, 2015 by Mal78
spelling

[InlandEmpireMan]

Someone asked if I actually do those things- the slamming of the doors, the slamming things down, and the driving like a maniac/peeling away.

I do.

 

Once I am hurt or angry, it's like a black out and act like an idiot.

When I get cornered, I lash out. I have to admit that.

 

I want to have sex with her, but it always end up in disappointment. I get hard for a minute or two and then if I'm distracted or stressed, there he goes.

 

We fought last night because we were talking about the sex issue and I got angry and felt fed up. I told her I'M TIRED OF BEING PERSECUTED FOR THIS. I DON'T BEAT YOU. I DON'T HIT YOU. I DON'T CUSS YOU OUT. I DON'T CHEAT ON YOU. I'M NOT THE WORST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD!

 

And she looked rather defeated and just said I WANT MORE THAN THAT, FOR US.

 

I call her the OW mainly because it's quicker to type that spelling DENTIST out every time.

 

As far as maybe my wife confusing her feelings because the dentist was taking such good care of her, she admitted that was a possibility when we first discussed it.

[InlandEmpireMan]

And she also said that she didn't imagine having sex with her, but she did fantasize about being around her, holding her and kissing her.

 

She said she was just happy to be around her and couldn't wipe the smile off her face and that's when she knew it was getting tricky.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to have sex with her, but it always end up in disappointment. I get hard for a minute or two and then if I'm distracted or stressed, there he goes.

 

In one sentence (or less), what stops you from getting medication to treat your ED?

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Someone asked if I actually do those things- the slamming of the doors, the slamming things down, and the driving like a maniac/peeling away.

I do.

 

Once I am hurt or angry, it's like a black out and act like an idiot.

When I get cornered, I lash out. I have to admit that.

 

I want to have sex with her, but it always end up in disappointment. I get hard for a minute or two and then if I'm distracted or stressed, there he goes.

 

We fought last night because we were talking about the sex issue and I got angry and felt fed up. I told her I'M TIRED OF BEING PERSECUTED FOR THIS. I DON'T BEAT YOU. I DON'T HIT YOU. I DON'T CUSS YOU OUT. I DON'T CHEAT ON YOU. I'M NOT THE WORST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD!

 

And she looked rather defeated and just said I WANT MORE THAN THAT, FOR US.

 

I call her the OW mainly because it's quicker to type that spelling DENTIST out every time.

 

As far as maybe my wife confusing her feelings because the dentist was taking such good care of her, she admitted that was a possibility when we first discussed it.

 

You need to get help for your anger issues. You're a grown man, yet you react and ACT like a child having a tantrum when you get upset or pissed off. You can work on it and change by going to counseling and seeking anger management. Learn how to cope with it better and not react in such a vile way.

 

As for your wife, she turned to the OW because she felt a connection, an emotional crush and the OW fulfilled something missing in her that she can't get from you. She felt safe and cared for, which is what she's craving - From you!

[Awarebe]

Just my thoughts on your situation,

most people (if not all..will disagree with me), but rarely in history have the majority been right so i try anyway..

 

- Your wife sounds manipulating and I feel she is putting this sexual pressure on you to push you away (she is scared of being the bad guy),

- She doesn't have feelings for you (pressure not nice to do) but would like you to

pleasure her, where is the emotions and comfort? of course you get scared and can't "perform"!! you have an instinct its telling you something is wrong! (no medication needed- but action and truth)

 

I think she is lesbian (no doubt about it) but Very scared as she has said herself, you both need to talk and take your emotions seriously, even though it would mean you can't fulfill one another..right now thats the way it is

[spanz1]

you have ED, you refuse to do anything about it despite her pleadings. AND you throw temper tantrums like a little boy.

 

 

Jeez, sounds romantic as hell to me.

 

 

Have you read the other threads on here? Have you seen how many spouses either divorce of cheat because their spouse refuses to improve the sex life? do you somehow think you are immune to that happening to you?

 

 

I guess, even though you sound very homophobic, that you are lucky she is hitting on women only at this point. she could just as easily be stepping out to the local motel with other men.

 

 

I suggest you re-evaluate your recalcitrance, and go to an ED Urologist asap. do not leave without Viagra or trimix injection prescriptions.

Edited January 30, 2015 by spanz1

[Mr. Lucky]

- She doesn't have feelings for you (pressure not nice to do) but would like you to pleasure her, where is the emotions and comfort? of course you get scared and can't "perform"!! you have an instinct its telling you something is wrong!

 

If the expectation that your spouse is going to participate in the intimate side of the relationship is proof of no "feelings", then I'm guilty as charged. And as my wife has gotten older, her libido has increased - so she must really not care about me, right ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Awarebe]

to mr lucky,

i tend to think that when people don't feel the other persons feelings and respect them, its not good because it forces you to hurt them instead of them just getting the wipe, without hurting words being necessary or years of denial, kind of like reading body language and other unspoken things like facial expressions, maybe I'm wrong and simplifying and over-analysing, because offcource there are to participants allowing things to happen..but many of us are educated conflict avoiders unfortunately:( people that just don't want anybody to hurt..that leads back to the first thing i wrote I think..