How do we rekindle fire in a marriage?

[Tocook]

I've posted in the divorce forum recently and am seeking advice to avoid D.

 

My husband is a relatively attractive man that's kind, supportive, loving, and a great father. The problem is that I don't feel any sexual attraction to him. There's issues in our marriage that has lead to diminishing respect (ie I'm the boss of the family and he's not communicative). I'm vpen sexually and have a high sex drive and so does he but there's some things he's not willing to do understandably. He is fit and it's not about size or frequency but more about technique and chemistry. He's also generous in bed but lacks skill and doesn't have the desire to practice at being better. I'm tired of giving direction and "helping" him to satisfy me. Frankly, it's a big turn off.

 

Is there anyone out there who lost that sexual chemistry in a marriage and was able to get it back? Or not? Would love to hear your story.

[oldshirt]

I read your other thread as well. This is an attraction and "excitement vs security" issue and not an issue of abuse, addiction, abandonment, adultery or any kind of structural relationship problem.

 

In a nutshell your husband needs to pump up the volume and become a little masculine and be a little more bold and exciting. He needs to bring the "sexy" back more. In today's manosphere parlance, he needs to up the "Alpha."

 

This can be done. He may never be a porn star or your own private Chippendale but he can certainly step it up a bit and make it some you at least aren't crawling the walls with boredom and frustration.

 

My recommendation is reccomend the "Married Man Sexlife" books and website to him.

 

Check it out yourself first as they have a whole section of their forums dedicated to wives and how wives can broach the subjects of becoming more proactive and stepping up to more masculine roles to their husbands.

 

You two are a perfect candidate couple for MMSL as this is an issue of loss of attraction and desire due to him becoming complacent and passive in the home and in the bedroom and not an actual structural relationship problem.

 

(......I'm not meaning to discount or diminish your concerns as this very often does lead to serious deal breakers like affairs or "Walk Away Wife Syndrome")

 

Your issue is serious and needs serious work to turn around, but no deal-breakers have been committed by either party. ......yet.

 

Look up the website, "Married Man Sexlife" and you can sign up for the forums there and order the books etc.

 

 

( I need to make the disclaimer that I am not in any way affiliated with MMSL. In fact I am not even a member there. It is just the only site I have found that deals almost exclusively with men in long term marriages getting their balls and their sexy back).

[Tocook]

Thank you for the recommendation OS. Funny enough, I have been to MMSL about 2 years ago when the nagging feeling of discontentment could no longer be ignored. I also recommended it to him but he shrugged it off. I've been suggesting lots of new things to spice up our sex life since then but again, he's hesitant. Thanks for the reminder though because I'm going to suggest it again. Maybe now that I've expressed my desire to leave if things don't change, he'll take me more seriously. It's just tiring to always be the one to the lead the way in our relationship and that it's come down to me wanting to leave for him to make an effort.

[veryhappy]

Is there anything to rekindle? Is there a point you'd go back and be fully satisfied? How did a guy who satisfied you become so lacking?

 

 

Of everything you've mentioned, recovering from the lack of respect is the hardest and I'd take that to a counselor.

 

 

Is there somebody else on your radar that would check the boxes? You can very easily have an affair in this situation.

 

 

To answer the rekindling in general, you can try new and exciting non-sexual experiences together and that should make the chemistry better. You'll associate him with the fun you are having.

[CarrieT]

You have stated in your other threads that you don't respect him.

 

Frankly, I don't see ANY chemistry being remotely feasible with someone you don't respect - no matter how many sexual games you play at or techniques you work at; without respect, there will never be passion.

[spanz1]

I'm tired of giving direction and "helping" him to satisfy me. Frankly, it's a big turn off.

.

 

that sounds like a big clue right there! what, exactly, are you looking for in sex acts? You should not need to "train him" very much. Lets say, for an example, you are reading 50 shades of gray and want to try. Well, find some porn bondage movie that mimics the sex you want, and the two of you watch it. Afterward, you have some toys on the bed upstairs, and turn him loose to try new stuff on you.

 

Or maybe you encourage him to watch certain types of porn, or to join certain websites to chat on or read sexual threads.

 

So you do not have to teach him in bed so much, but lead him to where the knowledge resides, and just insist he pick up some new tricks.

 

IF you let this slide, an become totally board with the sex....a D WILL be in your future.

[spanz1]

I have been to MMSL about 2 years ago when the nagging feeling of discontentment could no longer be ignored. I also recommended it to him but he shrugged it off. I've been suggesting lots of new things to spice up our sex life since then but again, he's hesitant.

 

have you actually said to him "if you do not do X and Y to spice up our sex life, i will be leaving or finding another man to do it"? i am not sure you communicated how serious you are about this.

[Tocook]

Is there anything to rekindle? Is there a point you'd go back and be fully satisfied? How did a guy who satisfied you become so lacking?

 

I'm not sure but with children and a good guy involved, I'm giving it a try. He's been able to satisfy me in the past, my with assistance and direction.

 

 

Of everything you've mentioned, recovering from the lack of respect is the hardest and I'd take that to a counselor.

 

Absolutely, and since I told him I want to leave 2 months ago and we started MC, he's working on earning my respect back.

 

 

Is there somebody else on your radar that would check the boxes? You can very easily have an affair in this situation.

 

No, there isn't. I'm tempted but I have to let temptation go to try and make this marriage work.

 

To answer the rekindling in general, you can try new and exciting non-sexual experiences together and that should make the chemistry better. You'll associate him with the fun you are having.

 

That's what MC suggested and hopefully it will work. I guess I'm still bitter because I've been trying for years to make things better, not so subtly, and was brushed off. He said I didn't specifically state that it was a "deal breaker" until 3 months ago so it didn't count.

[thecharade]

Tocook, I posted on your other thread, too; your situation is so similar to my own.

 

1. No respect? I feel the same in my M.

2. Dead end job? (mentioned in other thread) Yes! And his acceptance of things at the cost of me and my family stole the respect I initially felt for him.

3. You will eventually desire someone else. After 5 years, I am interested in someone else. He is not necessarily marriage material, but my engaged/attached/sexual side has not been in my M for years, maybe most of my M. It WILL happen to you, so wishing him to be better won't do it. You have to feel sexually connected. You have to want him.

4. And so, how would you feel if someone else had him? That will tell you a lot.

5. And would you want to marry again to do better, or do you see this as a problem inherent to marriage?

 

I am really, really struggling.

My H is a great, fun, kind guy. But no Alpha side. Not even a smidge.

We have 3 awesome kids and a good life, but my eyes are wandering. And many guys have been paying me quality attention.

So hard to stay good when I feel so little passion in my M. I have been asleep for so long.

[oldshirt]

One of the biggest challenges you are going to have to face is actually getting him to take you seriously and actually put in the effort to step up to the plate.

 

You may have to blow something up to get his attention. You may have to pack up and separate for awhile. You may even have to file.

 

Then even if he does step up to the plate (which he may not want to) you may end up very bitter that you had to go to those lengths to get him to take you seriously.

 

MMSL does address that aspect as well.

[Josmatjes]

I have the exact same problem. No sexual attraction at all.. I've been trying for years and at this point I think I'm throwing the towel in... I'm in counciling but like others said if there is no respect it's done.. My husband spends 90% of his time on his iPad or phone and doesn't try to communicate at all...l it makes me sad but also really angry...

[Tocook]

Tocook, I posted on your other thread, too; your situation is so similar to my own.

 

1. No respect? I feel the same in my M.

2. Dead end job? (mentioned in other thread) Yes! And his acceptance of things at the cost of me and my family stole the respect I initially felt for him.

3. You will eventually desire someone else. After 5 years, I am interested in someone else. He is not necessarily marriage material, but my engaged/attached/sexual side has not been in my M for years, maybe most of my M. It WILL happen to you, so wishing him to be better won't do it. You have to feel sexually connected. You have to want him.

 

that'sthe key here, that I have to want him. I decided that I'm going to try that with all my might and see how it goes. I hope that our Fire, or atleast my sexual attraction to him will return with his efforts to be more assertive

 

4. And so, how would you feel if someone else had him? That will tell you a lot.

 

ive thought about this and I don't have a problem with him being with other woman. Telling isn't it?

 

5. And would you want to marry again to do better, or do you see this as a problem inherent to marriage?

 

I am open to marrying again because I'm a true romantic. Some may say I'm being unrealistic with the way I'm feeling now, but I still believe in true love.

 

I am really, really struggling.

My H is a great, fun, kind guy. But no Alpha side. Not even a smidge.

We have 3 awesome kids and a good life, but my eyes are wandering. And many guys have been paying me quality attention.

So hard to stay good when I feel so little passion in my M. I have been asleep for so long

 

And you aren't tempted? Are you staying for the sake of your kids? .

[thecharade]

I AM tempted! Only the last two weeks! All of a sudden I am a wreck, just an absolute mess. But if I start cheating, then is it that I am forcing my H to want a divorce? Or was it inevitable? Should the fact that I do WANT this other guy (and he is pursuing hard!) mean I simply must leave? Or that I am a Love Addict? All I do is read/learn/go to counseling . . . and nothing has become clear.

 

This other guy wants any or all of me in any form, which is ruining my desire to stay married without passion. That was (kind of) my plan! But now somebody has ignited it.

 

I don't want to hurt people.

I don't want to be divorced.

[Tocook]

Charade, your name is what I feel I'm living in sometimes. I do love my husband dearly, but just not in that way anymore. It's sad to think I will be living a lifetime without true intimacy.

 

Does your husband know you have intimacy issues? So if you don't want to divorce then you're willing to live the wife/child life forever? I'm assuming this other guy knows you're married and still pursuing you. Tread lightly because there may be an issue there. That fire is easily ignited when it's somehug new and different and fresh lust comes into play. Maybe he just wants sex with someone without commitment because he knows you're married. What kind of connection are you two having? Do you think it could be anything serious? I'm just wondering all these things because I had an emotional affair and it seems that you're heading in that direction too.

[Clockwork]

There might be other problems in your marriage and I suspect that there are, but think about this for a second, why did the two of you hook up so long ago? Why were you attracted to each other back then? Whatever it is, get that back. Get that lust back. Yes I said it, lust. You are his wife and he is your man, you should be enjoying each other's company a lot more.

 

 

Here's an extreme potential solution. 8 years of marriage for me and I have never lost the fire for my wife. Two kids later she is still the sexiest woman in the world for me. I will literally bite my wife in the shoulder out of the blue because I am excited. Strange? Maybe, but we love each other and LUST each other immensely. It hasn't changed.

 

 

The one thing that ramped up our passion was...........hang onto your hat.......videotaping. I never saw my wife have sex with me before. I literally created my wife as a porn queen in my eyes. I've never thought the same of her and that's a good thing. We still have the fire and sometimes when we are having sex I remember just how attracted I was to her the first time we met (and still am). I don't know, give it a shot if you think this is the issue. If it's only passion that is the issue this will work.

[thecharade]

Clockwork, I appreciate your ideas. I have been married twice as long as you, and to be honest, I have never felt like that about my H. Ever. He had so many other wonderful qualities though, and the sex was fine, that I just did not want to lose such a great guy. But I have had a lot of counseling since then, done a lot of work on myself, and it has changed me into a more honest, authentic person. My H's counselor tells him, "She has been working hard on herself to find happiness inside this M. You have a lot of catching up to do. And you may not be able to catch up." That is the sad reality. We have bigger issues than finding lust. I will also say this: women feel lust from being in love. Videotaping or any other sexy idea is generally not the solution. For us, if you do not stay our stud or our man, if you do not work hard on your marriage, we will lose our sex drive for you. We are turned on by relationships and getting our emotional needs met. When you defend us or stand up for us, we get hot for you! Women's brains are not wired like men's.

 

Tocook, yes, this guy is not "the one" or anything. He does have issues. I am not mistaking these feelings for permanent feelings, just saying that a dead marriage allows these feelings in, even though I have been reading, learning, and trying so hard.

 

My H knows that I am done and he is taking it very hard. The overwhelming guilt that I feel would crush any new relationship, so it would be idiocy to start something. The other guy is just so sweet, and it is hard to hurt SO many people at the same time. He keeps saying, "But I thought you were getting divorced," without realizing that "getting" and "being" are not the same thing. I will need to make him stand back, or he is going to get caught in the crossfire.

 

It is all so sad.

[Tocook]

Charade, I too have never felt that way about my H and same as you, I settled for the great guy that he is. There was a discussion in another thread about choosing passion vs. stability. Interesting that almost everyone chose passion, even with all the inherent problems that inevitably come within a fiery relationship.

 

Clockwork, good for you!! Enjoy this amazing love you have with your wife but don't get complacent as 8 years is just the beginning of a lifetime. My H and I have been together for 18 years and I thought the first 8 years was exactly what I wanted, love and stability sans lust.

 

I'm really trying to respect my H for all the efforts he's made to be a leader in the family. And even draw the sexual attraction for him out because let's face it, I'm human and I'm horny. As much as I'm trying, I can hardly look him in the eyes, and when I do look at him, I find no sexual attraction for this sweet man. What's wrong with me?! Because I'm highly sexual, we've done lots of fun things in the bedroom, videotaping and all. It's just that ever since I admitted that I wasn't in love with him, I can't get it up for him anymore, so to speak. I've been told I just need to mind**** myself into the relationship but once my heart shut down, so has my libido, for him that is.

[Rainbowlove]

Some of this sounds to me like old saying, "the grass is always greener until you get to the other side"...I don't know. Sometimes we think something up so big in our minds...things like he's a great father, wonderful provider, good friend, fun and "almost perfect"....get lost and lose value because why??

 

He's not amped up enough in bed? Because we need more excitement or to be taken in the bedroom a certain way?

 

Watch porn together, buy toys, play with yourself in front of him...it has got to be more than sex that's missing...

 

Oh, yes, respect....

[oldshirt]

Just asking a question, since you have a stable home life and appreciate other aspects about him and your lives together, have you considered swinging or open marriage to meet your other needs?

 

I'll admit you are not an ideal candidate for that lifestyle and things would eventually implode but you may be able to wring out a few more years of marriage until the kids are a little older before you split.

[thecharade]

Tocook,

 

One of the things I find difficult is the idea that my H can and should fill all of my needs, yet cannot and should not be expected to fill all of me needs.

 

If someone is unhappy in their M, the advice is "a marriage cannot meet all of your needs, so find your happiness elsewhere."

 

But if the elsewhere is intimacy, physical or emotional, the advice is, "You should only need your spouse."

 

Says who?

I completely disagree.

Many marriages are quite functional in lots of ways but have intimacy issues that are almost impossible to fix. I don't want to throw out the baby with the bath water, but I seem to have no other choice.

 

My H and I are currently in acknowledged limbo/roommate status. I have expressed a firm desire for a D, but he doesn't want it and I am having trouble dismantling the family. The guilt is suffocating. Feels like an awkward stage that can't last, but this is where I am at.

[veryhappy]

What would you like to happen if the situation was reversed and your h was wanting something you couldn't offer?

 

How much sexual experience do you have? Is there a chance that if you open up your marriage, you could burn through your desires in a number of years? Have you discussed this with your h?

[Tocook]

Tocook,

 

My H and I are currently in acknowledged limbo/roommate status. I have expressed a firm desire for a D, but he doesn't want it and I am having trouble dismantling the family. The guilt is suffocating. Feels like an awkward stage that can't last, but this is where I am at.

 

I feel for you Charade. What an uncomfortable way to live. I'm sure you're not only suffocating from the guilt but also from loneliness. Guilt because sometimes you wish you were different and could just be "happy with what you have". And lonely because you have no companionship in an almost 2 decade long marriage.

 

I've stated that I would try "with all my might" to show affection for my husband. However, once I admitted to myself, and to him 3 months ago, that I was no longer in love with him, that part of me shut down. This is after years of accepting the lack of connection and attraction I had to him in order to appreciate the good man that I have. He too does not want a D for the sake of our family, I'm trying what I can to turn that proverbial switch back on. But it's so damn hard

[Babs22]

Wow. I'm in touch with what you are saying. I have been married 19 years and lived with my husband for many years before that. Our sex life was ok, he could help me orgasm, so he wasn't selfish. He actually had gotten pretty good at it. But I totally relate when you say your husband is non-communicative. My husband never told me he loved me, and he also never gave me compliments. I had never even thought of having an affair, but before I realized what was happening, I was in one, with a married man. I have 2 kids he has none. His sex life with his wife was not good. He felt like she never wanted to have sex with him. We immediately clicked on an emotional level and the sex has been amazing. I honestly never did anything to jump start anything with my husband. I also never realized how starved I was to feel like someone loved me and appreciated me. I always believed if someone was unhappy with their spouse, they should get a divorce and move on. This happened so quickly and I did not want to upset my kids lives. I'm not proud of it, but I've now been having the affair for 2 years. I am not attracted to my husband anymore. For now, I'm holding it together for my kids sake, but my marriage is definitely on life support.

 

I know this isn't a suggestion on how to save your marriage, but I could identify with what you were saying.

[DKT3]

Wow. I'm in touch with what you are saying. I have been married 19 years and lived with my husband for many years before that. Our sex life was ok, he could help me orgasm, so he wasn't selfish. He actually had gotten pretty good at it. But I totally relate when you say your husband is non-communicative. My husband never told me he loved me, and he also never gave me compliments. I had never even thought of having an affair, but before I realized what was happening, I was in one, with a married man. I have 2 kids he has none. His sex life with his wife was not good. He felt like she never wanted to have sex with him. We immediately clicked on an emotional level and the sex has been amazing. I honestly never did anything to jump start anything with my husband. I also never realized how starved I was to feel like someone loved me and appreciated me. I always believed if someone was unhappy with their spouse, they should get a divorce and move on. This happened so quickly and I did not want to upset my kids lives. I'm not proud of it, but I've now been having the affair for 2 years. I am not attracted to my husband anymore. For now, I'm holding it together for my kids sake, but my marriage is definitely on life support.

 

I know this isn't a suggestion on how to save your marriage, but I could identify with what you were saying.

 

Would your husband say about you the things that your AP says about his wife? Or do you even care?

 

Funny how so many think they deserve far better then they give.

 

Seems that faithful husband=walking wallet. Not good enough for sex with, but good enough to pay the bills.

 

Op, I don't think you can rekindle anything, you really seem to want a different man. You want your husband to be something he isn't. You can't buy a lamb then get pissed because its not a tiger

 

Why hold someone you don't want hostage while planning the escape. Just leave and allow him to find someone that would respect and love him.

Edited December 31, 2014 by DKT3

[Discjockey80]

I'm curious...what is the essence of this 'Alpha' quality that many of you are looking for in your men/husbands that is missing?

 

 

You say he is good, sweet, even fun...but just not enough alpha. Is it a way he does/doesn't 'pursue' you? How he 'takes' you in or out of the bedroom?