Opening our marriage – Can I do it?

[kamani]

Long story short. Friends for 6 years. Married for 10 years. 8 year old son. Loving, understanding and caring husband, worked hard to provide me with every luxury. He is much loved by my relatives. However there was something wrong. Sex! It was usually once a week. I was unable to orgasm by intercourse for 8 years of marriage, so we used alternatives.

 

We are engaged in the same profession. As the income is not sufficient we work freelance, I help him 50%, he is always busy sitting in front of the computer.

 

Fast forward 2 years ago I developed feelings for a married co-worker. I discussed this with my husband where he admitted to having sex with men occasionally, before and after marriage. My whole world shattered. He underwent the same periods of extreme pain as me.

 

He said these were only casual sex, and swore that I’m the only person he loved. I had no clue to believe otherwise, he desperately misses me when I’m not at home and likes my company all the time and extremely sensitive to my pains. He acts as if he is happy and proud to have me, as wife.

 

We reconciled, myself accepting nothing less than monogamy. He agreed, he is death scared of loosing me.

 

However after 2 years I’m still in the emotional roller coaster. I still feel undesired, unattractive for him not wanting me more than once a week. I have several times requested him to do it twice a week, but at the end of the day we are both tired and no one initiates. When I confront he reads me out his duty list by which he is overburdened.. He says he stayed faithful after confession and I’m over-analysing things.

 

I know you will advice me to get a divorce and find someone else, but I have no time to start a new life at 40. I love him and can’t afford t lose him in my life. Our son will be severely affected by it.

 

Being sick of feeling undesired I decided to meet my needs elsewhere by opening our marriage. Then my husband can satisfy his same sex needs as well. It is a really difficult decision and hurts me like hell. This is not what I signed up for with him. He is OK with me having sex with someone else, but he is not OK with myself falling in love with somebody.

Me like many other women can’t separate love and sex!

 

Two days ago I joined an online dating site for casual sex and now I’m getting hell of messages. They have sent me photos, most of them I don’t find attractive; I don’t feel like sleeping with them. Other lot of bull**** seem to be committed but telling me “No. I’m not cheating on anybody”. I’m not feeling like meeting these men and the very sight of many of those intensifies my feelings and love for my husband. He doesn’t know about this yet.

Should I proceed with trying to have casual sex? Am I capable of doing it?

 

Will I end up with feeling worse if I continue? Somebody hit me with some sense.

[redtail]

I know you will advice me to get a divorce and find someone else, but I have no time to start a new life at 40.

 

I have no judgement on whatever you decide to do, I know others have enjoyed the open lifestyle, but its definitely not for everyone.

 

However, if this is the only reason you're not getting divorced and choosing an open marriage instead, its a pretty weak reason. I know a lot of people that have had great second marriages older than you, me included.

[Brooke02]

So the reason you cant have sex with each other more is your both tired, but your not too tired to go outside the marriage and get it? That makes no sense.

I think theres an underlined issue other than "too tired" that you need to get to the bottom of.

[central]

I divorced and started over at 45 - best decision I ever made! However, if you can't or won't, that's your choice.

 

As for the open marriage idea, it can work. Have you discussed this with him? If not, and are already pursuing prospects, you are cheating on him, and that's not a good starting point for opening a discussion about it.

 

My relationship/marriage is open, and has been for 15 years. It works very well for us, but we are starting from a really solid relationship, still deeply in love and lust, and a fantastic sex life. We just like the additional variety casual sex with others can provide. We are completely in agreement on this and worked out how it would work for us soon after we met. We also had a poly relationship for a while, which may be more what you're seeking, but it sounds like that's threatening to him, if I understand what you're saying. And don't forget that if you open things up, he may take advantage of the freedom as well, and may go in a direction you won't like.

[oldshirt]

Open marriages work for people who have happy, healthy, sexually satifyimg marriages with excellent communication and mutual respect for each and who are on the same sheet of music and in agreement on the boundaries and stipulations.

 

For people who are dissatisfied, frustrated and with differing objectives, it will almost always end in disaster if it gets off the ground at all.

[jackslife]

Fast forward 2 years ago I developed feelings for a married co-worker. I discussed this with my husband where he admitted to having sex with men occasionally, before and after marriage. .

 

I'm sorry, am I the only one who noticed this? ^^^^^^

 

You don't think that your husbands lack of interest in you may be because he is gay do you? No man has sex with other men regularly because he isn't at least bisexual.

 

An old school friend of mine was married with 4 children before he finally accepted the truth and came out of the closet.

 

Sexless marriages are devastating, I've been in one myself and the impact on you emotionally, physically and on the marriage itself is frighteningly destructive.

 

Reasons for sexless marriages, well I wish I knew more but fancying a man more than a woman would be a big one.

 

I've got marriage problems myself, and maybe they can be resolved or not, but I can't see how a marriage can be resolved if one of the people in it is homosexual.

[spanz1]

an open marriage usually means you both go your own separate ways sexually, but still love each other and have sex together.

 

 

the danger in them is the jealousy that can spring up, and the very real possibility that you can fall in love with one of these partners.

 

 

A little more easy to handle for you would be an MFM encounter. Where he invites one of his male friends that is bisexual and the three of you have kinky sex. You both get sexually fulfilled. I have talked with some where it became a multi year thing, with the 3rd man living in a guest bedroom.

 

 

I would bet that if there was a hot stud in the bedroom down the hall who had the hots for you, that your "being tired" would magically vanish.

 

 

So go for it if you both want it, and the rest of the marriage is fairly stable and neither of you are very jealous types.

 

 

Just be aware of the potential downside, and get the guy tested for STDs before he moves in.

[kamani]

So go for it if you both want it, and the rest of the marriage is fairly stable and neither of you are very jealous types.

 

Oh, no I'm very jealousy type and the one trust in monogamy. I know he is bisexual or may be even gay, who knows! The bitter truth made me undergo months of extreme pain, depression, frustration 2 years ago, but it demonstrated how much he loved me as well. For me the problem is the frequency of sex.

 

I threatened him with divorce if he stray once more, he loves me enough not to go outside marriage now. But I feel my needs are not met, we are all the time working. I thought of open marriage as the last option, being fair for both of us.

 

I'm sorry that some of you never got how painful this decision was for me and how hurt I am and how I am still struggling with the idea.

[ComingInHot]

So you want monogamy from your husband including more sex which he isn't providing due to the fact he is most likely bisexual only you won't allow him to consider the same open lifestyle that you yourself think you deserve and are actually perusing?

I read this as a selfish behavior for a 40 year old who is choosing her comfy lifestyle and using it and age to not start fresh on her own.

 

Doesn't that make you feel held captive and morally bankrupt? What do you think it is doing to your husband?

[kamani]

So you want monogamy from your husband including more sex which he isn't providing due to the fact he is most likely bisexual only you won't allow him to consider the same open lifestyle that you yourself think you deserve and are actually perusing?

 

You got me wrong. Many of you. I love him very much, I'm not going to cheat on him. If I try anything I'd give him the same opportunity. I'll discuss everything with him before actually doing anything.

 

What I'm wondering is whether this would work for me. I'm desperately struggling with the idea while my gut tells the opposite!

[Mint Sauce]

Hi Kamani,

 

I remember your thread from 2 years ago. I remember you feeling guilty about your feelings for your colleague, while in fact your husband had been cheating on you for all these years, with other men.

It's sad to read that you're still having to deal with that.

 

Of course we don't know your financial situation, but other than that, I don't see a legitimate reason to stay in this marriage. I don't think you're the type to do the open marriage thing. You want love and sex combined with/from the same person.

Yes, the divorce will be hard on your son, but as a step-father of a 9yr-old kid, I can tell you that it won't ruin your son's life. It will be difficult at times, but not so much that it means you should stay in this marriage.

Your age to me is not a concern. I assume you don't want any more kids, so there's no direct time pressure to find someone new. And btw, divorce doesn't mean you have to cut all ties with your husband. Many people keep in touch with ex partners, especially if the divorce was friendly and for clear, unavoidable reasons, such as your husband being gay.

 

My 0.02, from far away with limited info.

[spanz1]

so what about MFM encounters (Male-Female-Male) in your bedroom. You will be there seeing everything that is going on. You will not be worrying about him sneaking out to give men BJs in some gay bar. And if you insist he only do it with bisexual men, you will get two men trying to please you in bed.

 

 

and since HE is getting gay sex out of it, he will be hornier and thinking in kinkier ways, and you will get MORE and better heterosexual sex out of him at home too.

 

 

You might be initially turned off about seeing him have sex with another man, but many women report it is a big turn on for them to watch after actually trying it. Worth a try I guess?

 

 

If you are jealous, a full open marriage might just drive you nuts...you will never know fully what he is up to.

[central]

An open marriage is a big leap. You may want to consider swinging as a couple - either with other couples or with single men (some of whom may be bi - they usually say in their profile).

[stillafool]

My aunt was married to my uncle who was gay. She didn't find out until after they were married. She stayed with him but he was constantly slipping out to have sex with other men. He would give her the "too tired for sex" story as well. It is up to you if you want to stay with your gay husband but I will tell you that they say the sex between a man and a woman is bland compared to the sex men have together. Bi men have said there is just no comparison whatsoever. Do you want to compete with other men for the attention of your husband?

[Michelle ma Belle]

You got me wrong. Many of you. I love him very much, I'm not going to cheat on him. If I try anything I'd give him the same opportunity. I'll discuss everything with him before actually doing anything.

 

What I'm wondering is whether this would work for me. I'm desperately struggling with the idea while my gut tells the opposite!

 

ALWAYS listen to your gut. It is rarely ever wrong.

[jackslife]

OP, I think you are missing the point entirely here. If he is gay, then he wants, desires, needs sex with other men. End of. Unless he wants a nervous breakdown he will have to have those needs met. You are asking for more sex won't help him either. Monogamy isn't the issue here, sexual preference is.

 

You need to get your head around this point. He doesn't want sex with you! Not because you are unattractive, not because you aren't his type, not because you've been married for years and he's bored. But because he is gay! He doesn't find women attractive. I'm not being cruel here, there is nothing, nothing you can do to stimulate him.

 

You do realise you are asking a gay man to be straight for you? If you want to stay married then an open marriage will be best for both of you. Otherwise you need to start talking about separation. He probably knows he's gay, is very fond of you and needs you as a beard.

 

I'm sorry I'm not trying to be cruel. But you may as well ask him to be 6 inches taller or change his skin colour.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think there are some really great points being made here.

 

I for one am a woman who started over at 40 with children. It was THE hardest decision of my life but it ended up being the absolute BEST decision in the end. There were lots of issues in my marriage but lack of sex was a HUGE factor. My ex and I parted on excellent terms (he's one of my best friends) and we are still extremely close, we love and care deeply for each other, co-parent equally and have never been happier with our relationship as friends.

 

I am living proof that it can all work out beautifully!!!! Your fears don't have to get the better of you. And as far as children, that is always a factor and one of the reasons why I stayed as long as I did in my marriage. In the end the fact was I was unhappy and unfulfilled and it was tainting everything in my life. Children aren't stupid and they can see it and feel it. They are much stronger than you think especially if you and your spouse work at parting amicably.

 

Two fears debunked.

 

As for the open marriage issue. I am in full agreement with oldshirt saying that open marriages only work for people who have happy, healthy, sexually satisfying marriages with excellent communication and mutual respect for each and who are on the same page about boundaries. Going into one dissatisfied, frustrated and with differing objectives will likely end in disaster.

 

The fact that your spouse enjoys sex with men complicates things even further I'm afraid. He may be in denial of his own sexuality or maybe he's very self aware and knows exactly what he wants regarding you and your marriage. No one really knows including you.

 

All I know is that once this bell has been rung, especially if you're going into with a pile of reservations, it is impossible to unring. Period. There is no going back from this AND if you choose this route against your better judgement you need to do so prepared for the worst case scenario.

 

Good luck to you.

[kamani]

OP, I think you are missing the point entirely here. If he is gay, then he wants, desires, needs sex with other men.

 

I know it, of course I found it after a long battle. I entered into marriage not knowing it.

 

However he confronts the fact that he is not in love with me. He admits, he cannot love me as a straight man does but if he ever fell in love it was not a man and it was me! He asks me 'Who else I love?'

 

And thanks Mintsource you got it right, I could never imagine open marriage and still struggling. Some people speak as if my husband is the BS here, which is funny.

[jackslife]

I don't think of you as the BS here.

 

I just don't see how you can ever be happy married to this man. People do reconcile and get over affairs, I just don't see how being married to a homosexual is good to either spouse.

 

Going back to my friend. Once he came out, although upset he and his wife had an amicable separation and divorce. They love and are loved by the 4 children and at a class reunion a couple of weeks ago, my old school friend brought his now husband. They married in September and his ex wife was there with her new partner and all the children were there too. My school buddy is blissfully happy now he is living the life he should live.

 

I do wonder if your husband is using you as a beard.

 

You talk about counselling and heart break 2 years ago, but you did nothing wrong except inadvertently marry a gay man.

 

I think this site is only helpful up to a point. Have you thought about searching the web for help groups for people in a similar situation to you?

 

It is easy to give advice on here, but seriously how can this marriage be good for either of you? He is gay and you're a straight woman with all those emotions. He can never make you happy. Don't let him ruin your life because he is afraid to come out of the closet.

[redtail]

Don't let him ruin your life because he is afraid to come out of the closet.

 

Nicely said.

[stillafool]

OP, have you asked your husband why he didn't tell you he was gay before you two married? I'm sure he probably had had sex with men before he married you.

[kamani]

OP, have you asked your husband why he didn't tell you he was gay before you two married? I'm sure he probably had had sex with men before he married you.

 

Yes he had. He told me, he feared loosing me if I knew it beforehand. He said he entered into marriage with the thought of being faithful to me. Our honeymoon was not that enjoyable for me as intercourse was painful for me. He claims, me not enjoying sex with him was a motivation for him have sex outside marriage.

 

Apart from this 'sex' issue, he is a very good, understanding and loving husband. We are in the same boat, in profession, attitudes, with excellent mutual understanding. We are the best matching couple to the outsiders and my friends having troubles in their marriage, envy us.

 

Yet the problem arises when it comes to 'bed'.

 

We went through this phase of agony 2 years ago together and we never hurt each other fighting. Our son is a very happy child where his world is filled with love. He knows nothing.

[jackslife]

Yet the problem arises when it comes to 'bed'.

 

Sorry to labour the point, the problem doesn't arise because of 'bed' the problem is you have a homosexual husband. How do you seriously expect a gay man to satisfy you?

 

Talk of threesomes and open marriages are missing the point entirely. That's just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

 

I also think you are being to nice about your husband. He is a gay man, he knew he was gay, but lied to you and married you to hide the fact from other people. He's had affairs and continues to string you along to keep his lie secret from other people.

 

You talk about not being unfaithful and honest, but he lied to you before, during and after your wedding. He knew, he was gay and he knew it was wrong, but that did not stop him from leading you on because he was ashamed of his sexuality. This is not a nice. 'good' man. This is a cruel, manipulative S.O.B.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Oh, no I'm very jealousy type and the one trust in monogamy. I know he is bisexual or may be even gay, who knows! The bitter truth made me undergo months of extreme pain, depression, frustration 2 years ago, but it demonstrated how much he loved me as well. For me the problem is the frequency of sex.

 

I threatened him with divorce if he stray once more, he loves me enough not to go outside marriage now. But I feel my needs are not met, we are all the time working. I thought of open marriage as the last option, being fair for both of us.

 

I'm sorry that some of you never got how painful this decision was for me and how hurt I am and how I am still struggling with the idea.

 

Oh so you're the "jealous" one...it's funny how people see things from a different point of view when they're allowed to turn the tables and they're the ones making the decisions that they so desperately fear.

 

This is all a hot mess of a relationship underneath the facade of it all...it looks very little about love, and a whole lot about inner demons and personal issues not yet dealt with, that have nothing to do with the other person in some respects.

 

You threatening to leave him and him staying is not "love"...those are shackles, I'm sure you guilt-tripped him from here to the other side of the planet, making him earn and show in all these ridiculous ways in how much he "loves" you...just because you have these issues and fears of abandonment or something along those lines.

 

You see like two people who have both got major issues within themselves and this marriage serves as a protection barrier/security blanket, because without it you'd be exposed to the cruel realities of the world and being alone, not to mention the the options and attitudes from friends and family that are sure to likely be surprised or affected by all of this "suddenly" happening.

 

Yes he had. He told me, he feared loosing me if I knew it beforehand. He said he entered into marriage with the thought of being faithful to me. Our honeymoon was not that enjoyable for me as intercourse was painful for me. He claims, me not enjoying sex with him was a motivation for him have sex outside marriage.

 

Apart from this 'sex' issue, he is a very good, understanding and loving husband. We are in the same boat, in profession, attitudes, with excellent mutual understanding. We are the best matching couple to the outsiders and my friends having troubles in their marriage, envy us.

 

Yet the problem arises when it comes to 'bed'.

 

We went through this phase of agony 2 years ago together and we never hurt each other fighting. Our son is a very happy child where his world is filled with love. He knows nothing.

 

He's scared of far more than losing you, you give yourself way too much credit, and you're one of those people that have this void that can never be filled, this insatiable appetite of fear that can never be extinguished.

 

This whole relationship sounds like a matter of convenience and companionship more than anything else, which is why you perceive him as a very good, understand and loving husband...it's because you play the surface roles very well and essentially fulfill your responsibilities as practical relationship partners but the emotional level isn't there and isn't the glue that's holding this relationship together as much as it's claimed to be. You mention the profession and attitude and excellent understanding...that is usually achieved under a low emotionally thriving relationship and more of a business like relationship....basically it's not about "love" or being "in-love" as your issues and needs are not of that priority.

 

Your problems are far deeper than what is going on the bedroom, that's just where all the attention is going, you are likely blinded by all the issues and problems surrounding this relationship as you are in this bubble and focused on other things, as well as your son playing a huge factor in this family dynamic.

 

Only once you have moved on from this relationship will you be able to accept the realities and see the holes and issues that you've always had present in this relationship, maybe even being with someone new and experiencing a connection, chemistry and passion you might have been without for years or never have experienced at all...might completely change your "reality" and perspective of this relationship.

 

But you're not only attempting to cheat on your husband in which you label as an "open relationship" without him being informed...but you based your entire relationship on his ability to be faithful. What a joke! how much of a twisted fool can you be?

 

I don't even know why people are giving you the time of day in this post, you got some serious damn issues of your own and you are a perfect example of how people condemn others out of fear of being hurt and being "betrayed" and yet when they find themselves yielding the dagger, it's perceived in an entirely different way from your perspective.

 

This is why people are crazy, and you can't trust or take anything they say as being the truth and how it actually is...I don't know how long, if ever it will take the general population to realize that people are just merely looking out for themselves and it's all of a matter of bias, not justice, not fairness, not what is right, not what is moral...but your own damn twisted @ss biased @ss opinion.

 

This is what infuriates me about LS, and the world.

[JayJ]

You are very progressive and an open marriage is definitely the right way to go. I just wish my wife would agree but when I suggested it she turned me down flat even though we haven't had sex for many years thus dooming us both to a long term sexless marriage.