four days after confrontation

[duckrabbit]

Hello out there.

 

I wish I wasn't posting on a site like this, but that is what it has come to.

 

Four days ago, I confronted my wife about an affair that she has been involved in for at least two months, perhaps longer. This affair has been mostly an online/phone basis with inappropriate conversations, photos, videos, and chats. The day I confronted her was the day it turned physical and, it seems, there was some emotional attachment as well.

 

So far, she seems determined to work on our relationship through marriage counseling. Since we have three kids, I do want to try and figure this out. I do have some concerns though: 1) the day I confronted her I demanded complete transparency into all devices/emails (this has yet to happen and she has, in fact, changed passwords on her email accounts that I had put in place to retrieve evidence), 2) when first asked about their physical relationship she first denied there was any, then later admitted to kissing him, which turned to a confession of making out and some physical contact. This sort of trickle down confession has me thinking that there is more to the story here.

 

We should hopefully start counseling in the next week or so. She swears that she has cut off all contact, but still doesn't want me looking at her phone. I want to believe that she is being honest and will work to try and repair the relationship, but I need some input from people who have been through this or who are going through similar situations. I don't know what to expect; I just know it will take a long time to get results. Any helpful thoughts?

[eye of the storm]

If she still doesn't want you looking at her phone, she is either still in contact, she hasn't yet decided if she wants to truly end it with him, or she doesn't realize the crap load of work she is going to have to do to fix what she has done.

 

Tell her that full access to her phones, emails, and social media accounts is non-negotiable until you are able to regain trust in her. If she doesn't agree, she is showing you thru actions that she is not committed to fixing this.

[inpeices]

Hello out there.

 

I wish I wasn't posting on a site like this, but that is what it has come to.

 

Four days ago, I confronted my wife about an affair that she has been involved in for at least two months, perhaps longer. This affair has been mostly an online/phone basis with inappropriate conversations, photos, videos, and chats. The day I confronted her was the day it turned physical and, it seems, there was some emotional attachment as well.

 

So far, she seems determined to work on our relationship through marriage counseling. Since we have three kids, I do want to try and figure this out. I do have some concerns though: 1) the day I confronted her I demanded complete transparency into all devices/emails (this has yet to happen and she has, in fact, changed passwords on her email accounts that I had put in place to retrieve evidence), 2) when first asked about their physical relationship she first denied there was any, then later admitted to kissing him, which turned to a confession of making out and some physical contact. This sort of trickle down confession has me thinking that there is more to the story here.

 

We should hopefully start counseling in the next week or so. She swears that she has cut off all contact, but still doesn't want me looking at her phone. I want to believe that she is being honest and will work to try and repair the relationship, but I need some input from people who have been through this or who are going through similar situations. I don't know what to expect; I just know it will take a long time to get results. Any helpful thoughts?

 

Hi duck rabbit,

 

Firstly hi and welcome! So very sorry to hear what is happening with you right now. I want to send you immediately in the direction of the 'infidelity' section of this site where you will receive a very big and probably varied response to your post. Some of the advice you will get will seem harsh, over the top or against your instinct, but I can assure you, having walked the path you are starting to walk, as so many others on that part of the forum have,you will be getting invaluable advice which may save your marriage, providing your wife is committed, remorseful and willing to co-operate with your needs/requests for total transparency at this stage.

I cannot stress enough, how serious this stage is, and marriage counselling could actually be quite damaging right now believe it or not..

 

 

Please re-post in the infidelity section before making any decisions and I wish you well x

[duckrabbit]

Thank you for your replies so far. I will repost in the infidelity section later. First, though, how could counseling be damaging at this stage?

[NJ123]

Hello out there.

 

I wish I wasn't posting on a site like this, but that is what it has come to.

 

Four days ago, I confronted my wife about an affair that she has been involved in for at least two months, perhaps longer. This affair has been mostly an online/phone basis with inappropriate conversations, photos, videos, and chats. The day I confronted her was the day it turned physical and, it seems, there was some emotional attachment as well.

 

So far, she seems determined to work on our relationship through marriage counseling. Since we have three kids, I do want to try and figure this out. I do have some concerns though: 1) the day I confronted her I demanded complete transparency into all devices/emails (this has yet to happen and she has, in fact, changed passwords on her email accounts that I had put in place to retrieve evidence), 2) when first asked about their physical relationship she first denied there was any, then later admitted to kissing him, which turned to a confession of making out and some physical contact. This sort of trickle down confession has me thinking that there is more to the story here.

 

We should hopefully start counseling in the next week or so. She swears that she has cut off all contact, but still doesn't want me looking at her phone. I want to believe that she is being honest and will work to try and repair the relationship, but I need some input from people who have been through this or who are going through similar situations. I don't know what to expect; I just know it will take a long time to get results. Any helpful thoughts?

 

If she doesn't want you looking at her phone, than she's hiding something.

[Friskyone4u]

She is lying to you . You are wasting your time going to any MC until you have verifiable proof that she is not still cheating. Why on earth would you want to go to MC and have her go home and contact her boyfriend.

It is her job to regain your trust, not your job to respect her privacy.

If you do not demand that she meet certain accountability requirements,

You are on for a world of hurt

[lolablue17]

Its' ridiculous! She is not showing any remorse or any sincere will to work things out. Tell her that this is not how she must work things out, a matter a fact, this is exactly how she breaks and damages your marriage, and maybe it's too late.

 

My guess is that she knows you're afraid to leave and you really don't have cards to play with, so she allows herself to dictate everything she wants.

 

It will continue as long as you continue being a doormat. If you wish to change things, start making some actions.

 

First announce her that due to her secrecy and due to her continue lying to you, you cancel the meeting with the counselor.

 

Then tell that you found a better use for that counseling money - You fixed an appointment with a divorce attorney. And from now on Don't talk about it any more. let her to be cooked in herself until she agrees immediately to your terms.

[duckrabbit]

Thank you all for the responses.

 

 

She has an appointment with her therapist today. After the kids go to bed tonight, I am going to present her with a written list detailing the types of steps I need to see being taken place to help me feel comfortable with everything. She will sign this list, which will also detail consequences of breaking any of the itemized points.

 

 

I have spoken to an attorney already, and am proceeding according to the advice that I was given. Since we do have three kids at home and I am the more stable parent, leaving is not an option for me; however, asking her to leave is a perfectly reasonable course of action. Again, since we have a family I want to give marriage counseling a reasonable attempt. I think that having someone there to mediate our emotions will be helpful and to sabotage that possibility by focusing on anger will not help the situation to be resolved.

 

 

Someone on another forum here mentioned that counseling could be more harmful than helpful. Can anyone elaborate on that point? I'm a little confused as to why that would be the case.

 

 

Another question: I am pretty sure that I have found her boyfriend's home phone number. Part of me really wants to contact his wife and let her know what has been going on. Although I don't want to spread the pain, she does have a right to know. What are the thoughts on this?

Edited December 9, 2014 by duckrabbit
Forgot something

[PegNosePete]

She will sign this list, which will also detail consequences of breaking any of the itemized points.

Didn't she already sign something similar? The MARRIAGE REGISTER?

 

She is NOT being honest with you. She is hiding her phone, still. Here is what I would do. When you next see her, tell her that the number one non-negotiable condition of rebuilding your marriage is that she hands her passwords over to you right now, and lets you see it all. Phone, email, facebook, EVERYTHING. Tell her that if she doesn't do that RIGHT NOW, it's over. This is her one and only chance to come clean, and as someone who has betrayed your trust already, her "privacy" does not exist until trust has been rebuilt. And if she refuses, gives you pathetic excuses, wants to "just pop to the toilet first" (ie. delete all evidence) - then you have to realize what this means, and BAIL on the marriage permanently.

 

asking her to leave is a perfectly reasonable course of action.

Yes it's a reasonable request, but unfortunately "no" is a perfectly reasonable response for her. It is her home as well as yours. She is under no obligation to leave. But yes, you can still ask...

 

Again, since we have a family I want to give marriage counseling a reasonable attempt. I think that having someone there to mediate our emotions will be helpful and to sabotage that possibility by focusing on anger will not help the situation to be resolved.

 

Someone on another forum here mentioned that counseling could be more harmful than helpful. Can anyone elaborate on that point? I'm a little confused as to why that would be the case.

That may be what you think, but it takes two to tango. If she doesn't feel the same (or worse, is lying to you, which seems highly likely) then it's simply a waste of time and money. It may be harmful because it's giving her time: time to line up her ducks, take legal advice, get her story straight, feed you lies, work out a plan with the OM, and beat you to filing for divorce.

 

The time to take action is NOW. You need to find out what's going on with her. Not form her words, but from her actions: seeing her phone, email and social media would be step 1 towards that goal. If she refuses then she is incriminating herself. If she has nothing to hide, she'll hide nothing. Although yeah as LL2014 says, you may have missed that boat already, she may have already cleaned it up. But maybe she was lax/lazy. If you act NOW, there might still be evidence left.

Edited December 9, 2014 by PegNosePete

[duckrabbit]

Good points all.

 

 

I know that I may be coming across as quite passive here and that might be partially true. I prefer to look at it as biding time rather than jumping into the fray unarmed.

 

 

See, I have all of the chat logs that I had access to saved in a private document far off from where she can access. This also includes videos, images, and lots of damning conversation. I, and I alone, also have access to phone logs that I can use to keep tabs on any future activity. As I said, I will be demanding all of those things tonight and my ultimatum will be that she has to leave if those terms cannot be met immediately.

 

 

I want to leave the door slightly open for a few reasons: a) even though I am confident I can find things out, I don't want to force her 'underground' more than she already might be even though this would reveal the truth b) she is already sloppy and, if she thinks that she has a leg up on me, she will continue to make mistakes and let slip any further contact pretty quickly. It sucks to have to consider your spouse as public enemy number one, but I am realizing more and more that this has to be the case.

[lolablue17]

I advice you - every time you talk to her, record the con in your cell phone. If She start talking and the phone's not there, find an excuse and bring it to record.

 

A wife who threats "it's gonna be an ugly divorce" and threats "i'll bring the OM to our house" (where your kids live) is dangerous to her kids... She is literally threats to hurt her kids just to make you miserable.

[PegNosePete]

You have all the information you need. The time for biding time is over.

 

When you confront, do not ever reveal your sources. In fact do whatever it takes to keep them secret. If she asks, tell her that it's irrelevant, that it's her cheating that is being discussed here, not your sources. Maybe tell her that OM's wife told you - her reaction to that would be priceless!

 

What steps are you going to put on your list?

[beatcuff]

<snip> We should hopefully start counseling in the next week or so. <snip> Any helpful thoughts?

 

 

I agree with the others: changing passwords/not allowing access is a bad sign.

 

 

but thus far you are taking a wise course: slow and deliberate. I would NOT demand anything until you meet with the MC. statements made with emotion are often regretted. for other posters: the goal is R.

 

 

during your session you can make a 'request' (such as phone access) then ask 'why not'. a good MC will not allow the discussion to move forward until it is answered. you can also then state 'how can you be serious about R without proof it is over'.

 

 

you did not mention the country or state ---- blue states (in USA): good luck getting more than 'weekend' dad status.

[Try]

Someone on another forum here mentioned that counseling could be more harmful than helpful. Can anyone elaborate on that point? I'm a little confused as to why that would be the case.

You are rolling dice when you go to see a counselor too early after an affair. Sometimes you get good advice, and sometimes you get advice that allows for more cheating. The majority of counselors are trained to deal with individuals and have little couples training. Most are not equipped to confront a cheater for their cheating. When dealing with infidelity that is often a problem in that they will often be too soft on the cheater, telling the cheated on spouse that they must not look back on the cheating but instead only look forward, which is exactly the wrong advice when first learning of an affair. Cheaters will also often be able to use the counselor to provide cover for them to continue or resume the affair by getting the cheated on spouse to commit to trusting the cheater before the cheater has earned that trust. Bottom line, counselors are best saved for when the affair has been confirmed dead for a long time and the process of healing has begun.

 

Another question: I am pretty sure that I have found her boyfriend's home phone number. Part of me really wants to contact his wife and let her know what has been going on. Although I don't want to spread the pain, she does have a right to know. What are the thoughts on this?

The other man's wife not only has a right to know, but her knowing is the best way to help kill the affair for good. The fact that your wife has not agreed to full transparency which includes all passwords and giving you all information about the affair partner (such as his phone number), means that the affair is not dead. At best it is on hold.

[Friskyone4u]

MC does not work when one person is still actively in the affair and you know that is the case with your wife. You list of demands needs to start with no contact at all with OM. And nexit is access to all social media. Without those two things you will be paying for nothing. If she refuses to any of your demands why do you care if she goes to IC. You need to divorce her and get her out

[Georgia2014]

Why don't you leave her? She's shown she's a cheater and cares more about her AP than you. She proved that by refusing you access to her internet accounts. She's not wanting to save the marriage. You are allowing her to call all the shots. She's got the upper hand and she knows it. Why would she stop seeing him you aren't doing anything about the affair. Serve her with divorce papers and she might sing a different tune about ending the affair.

[Georgia2014]

Also not allowing you access is a bad sign to. She's still communicating with him.