Here we go again....

[shane147]

I'm not sure if I'm venting or seeking advice... so fire away with experiences or advice.

 

Married 19 years... 3 kids, 2 still at home, 1 in college. So we just moved to a new city from one we really loved.... because of my job transfer. Now we are back in the same rut that we have been in year after year. It feels a little worse each time.

 

I know that at the forefront of our issues is communication. It is usually negative. I feel on the (perhaps overly) defensive, because I believe she is usually being overly critical of me. We have frequent disagreements that lead to days of being ignored. I try to speak about these issues when they arise, she says not now and ignores my concern or problem until later. When and if I try to speak about it (later) she has completely forgotten about it. I am left feeling resentful that she wouldn't allow us to talk about the problem at the time. Now I find myself not wanting to hear her talk about her problems. Certainly a bad feeling on my part, but I hate the fact that communication; whether good or bad, is usually a one way affair. When we argue (which is at least every other day), the first thing she does is looks for an exit strategy from the argument, as opposed to having an adult conversation regarding whatever the issue may be. If she yells, I yell, then she refuses to speak. Basically a baiting game. If I use sarcasm, she focuses on that, as opposed to the point at hand. If I talk calm and collected, she will take advantage of that and try to over power me by yelling and squashing me. When I try to lead or direct the conversation, then I am a controlling jerk. Basically her order of arguing operations is ignore, squash, yell, ignore. At one point, she is basically guaranteed an escape from the prospects of having a conversation or even argument, based on fact and true feelings.

 

Another major dilemma is in parenting. We both are to some degree type A control freaks. Very frequently, she undermines my decisions with the children. It is very common for me to make a decision (do your homework, practice violin, go to bed, no dessert, mundane sort of decisions); however, the children have learned that when dad says no, just go to mom and she will overturn him. I am typically powerless to this. Arguing in front of the kids makes me look even more like the bad guy and her like the savior. (see paragraph 3 for how we speak about problems).

 

I know that she has been phenomenal in following me around the country for my career ambitions. I have repeatedly asked her to go to marriage counseling, so that we could both learn better communication as a gateway to reconnecting. I have tried writing letters to get her attention. A year or so ago, I wrote her a relatively short letter explaining my fears for our relationship. I recommended counseling and a trial separation, only as a way to force us both to look at ourselves and think about what we can do better as husband and wife. Despite the fact that the word divorce was nowhere in the letter, that was how she took it. For a while after the letter, our marriage was great. Now every time we argue, she brings up the letter with resent and will not realize that she took it out of the intended context. Now, I have no interest in writing a letter as a way to communicate. I have no interest in speaking with her. I feel completely checked out.

 

I've considered individual counseling, but for the most part, I do not want to try if I do not see that she is willing to try. I don't really confide in any friends or family, so I find (as you will see by previous posts) this site to be an opportunity to release and listen to others advice and experiences.

[evanescentworld]

How much do you really, REALLY want to save this marriage? I mean, REALLY.

 

How much does she really, REALLY want to save this marriage? I mean, REALLY.

 

Answer those questions for yourself, first. And you DO need answers.

 

Because until you know what page you're both on, any advice you gain here, is utterly academic and pointless.

[oldshirt]

Communication issues, boundaries issues and power struggles are often things that can be well addressed in counseling.

 

If she is dead set against counseling and won't go, then I'd recommend going on your own and getting what assistance and advice you can from IC.

 

You lost a lot of credibility when she called your bluff on the separation. Even though you didn't technically make an ultimatum, you kinda did and she called you bluff on it preemptively.

 

You are going to have to draw a line in the sand between acceptable and unacceptable behavior and communication. Make an honest college try for counseling and if she won't go, do it for yourself. The counselor may be able to guide you in standing up for yourself and establishing your own boundaries and working with you to improve YOUR communication skills and style.

 

Once you are taking care of yourself and standing up for yourself, then you will be better prepared to determine what you will and will not accept from her and what you will do about it if she violates your boundaries.

[Realist3]

Here we go again....

shane147, Today 3:48 PM

 

 

Am I being too selfish? (Multi-page thread 1 2)

shane147, 12th January 2012 7:03 PM

 

 

Marriage in trouble, what would YOU do?

shane147, 3rd April 2011 12:00 PM

 

 

Arguing and finding resolution... near separation!!!

shane147, 6th April 2011 5:09 PM

7th April 2011 2:20 PM

 

 

How long would you keep trying

shane147, 31st January 2011 8:25 PM

 

 

Venting, Ranting, Raving... anyone interested???

shane147, 28th January 2011 4:48 PM

 

Marriage feels hopeless

shane147, 3rd October 2010 12:53 PM

 

 

15 years and frustrated

shane147, 3rd October 2010 12:05 PM

 

 

Want to get a little wilder in bed (Multi-page thread 1 2 3)

shane147, 10th April 2010 8:40 AM

 

 

Marriage Going downhill... (Multi-page thread 1 2)

shane147, 7th February 2008 2:59 PM

 

 

I think you should ask her to read your threads here, and take notice of your obvious pain over the past 6 years.

[Rainbowlove]

Hi Shane,

 

For those of us who have been in long term committed relationships (I mean decades), there are always issues and usually a long list of them.

 

The problems you outline are shared by many couples. Lack of communication, parenting decisions, moving about the country for each others careers etc.

 

What I've found is that while these issues are common, it's our desire to work towards changing or improving them that matters, or our lack there of.

 

We do get into ruts, roles, same old cycles and I believe what happens is resentment and bitterness grows and the relationship becomes a negative force in everyone's life. Simple talks turn into blame and hurt feelings. No matter how hard you try to mend things, her walls are up and so too are yours. Right now, no one feels heard, no one feels appreciated, no one feels loved, no one feels understood, no one feels cared about and it grows and festers out of control until it breaks.

 

I think getting yourself into counseling is the best course of action. This isn't just about her - it's about you, too. No, you cannot control her, but you can find out more about yourself. Counseling will help you sort through your feelings. Maybe if she sees you doing this for yourself it will wake her up. Maybe not, but in either case someone needs to break the cycle here and try to get something working. Why not you?

 

Good luck.