Ongoing communication problems -- I think I've reached my limit!

[Wisteria]

My boyfriend and I are both in our mid-40s, and we've been together more than 6 years. Since the very beginning we have had issues communicating and with problem solving. He tends to be quiet, meticulous and takes his time on everything. I tend to be louder, want things done immediately, and like talking things out. For the most part we know how to work things out. It has been a struggle, but we love each other and have really tried to work together. But one thing he does will just put me over the edge and turn me into a basket case: When he either gives me the full-on silent treatment or just gives monosyllabic answers for days (sometimes weeks) on end. It always ends with me insisting we're going to talk, then having a tortured evening with him trying to parse through his emotions.

 

After a year of getting along, I'm now in the middle of one of these phases again. Over the weekend I asked him if he was angry. He hates it when people ask him this, and they ask him all the time because he always acts angry! Since then, he has decided that since I'm always asking if he's angry, he's just going to be angry so I don't have to wonder. And he has been sarcastic and surly ever since. He says he plans to always be angry. I asked him how he thought that would affect our relationship, and he said it should make it great because I wouldn't have to wonder if he's angry.

 

As I said, this normally drives me over the edge, but the thing is, my mom died suddenly earlier this year. My year has been horrible. I'm the only one left in my family, and I've had to deal with a lot of estate stuff. Until now, BF has been wonderful, and very supportive. For the past few days, I've just found myself in no emotional position to even deal with this. It's so immature I just don't know where to begin. And every time I get a snarky answer -- example, when I ask him if he had a nice day, he says "what do you care?" -- I just start crying. My birthday is next week, and with everything having happened with my mom this year, I'm already way too emotional.

 

I've asked my best friend and my aunt (who, btw, told me mom was never happy about this relationship because he's chronically ill and she was afraid I'd end up having to take care of him), and they both advised me to back off and give him time, that this is just an immature spat and that we'll get over it. But I'm seriously giving thought to finally telling him this isn't working, we've reached the end, and that he needs to move out by Jan. 1. It's been forever since I broke up with someone, and it was only after I reached the very, very end of my rope after a bad relationship. I've never regretted that breakup. I can't tell yet whether or not I'd regret this.

 

Can anyone offer any insight? Am I being too eager to dump this relationship? If not, any advice on how to do it?

[misty12]

He is stonewalling you. This behavior is disrespectful and depending on the severity, can be considered emotionally abusive. He is not participating in your relationship if he is not communicating. And being with someone who walks around angry for the sake of being angry is no fun. How immature, and he's in his mid forties? What about this relationship would you be missing if you left?

[Wisteria]

I think more than anything I'm afraid of being alone. But there are some good aspects to the relationship. He's the most trustworthy person I've ever known. He really was a rock to me when mom died. He's also kind, sweet, and hilarious most of the time.

[misty12]

I think more than anything I'm afraid of being alone. But there are some good aspects to the relationship. He's the most trustworthy person I've ever known. He really was a rock to me when mom died. He's also kind, sweet, and hilarious most of the time.

 

Sorry but someone who is kind and sweet does not always act angry, or shut out their partner completely for days or weeks at a time, or make them cry with snarky answers to questions.

[Mr. Lucky]

As I said, this normally drives me over the edge, but the thing is, my mom died suddenly earlier this year. My year has been horrible. I'm the only one left in my family, and I've had to deal with a lot of estate stuff. Until now, BF has been wonderful, and very supportive. For the past few days, I've just found myself in no emotional position to even deal with this. It's so immature I just don't know where to begin. And every time I get a snarky answer -- example, when I ask him if he had a nice day, he says "what do you care?" -- I just start crying. My birthday is next week, and with everything having happened with my mom this year, I'm already way too emotional.

 

I can't help but think that counseling would benefit both of you and greatly improve the communication in your relationship.

 

To expect your partner to emotionally tread lightly around you for a year or more while you grieve your loss might be unrealistic. At some point, you have to move on.

 

Also unrealistic for him to expect you'll accept his passive/aggressive approach to solving the problems in your relationship. At some point, he'll have to grow up.

 

Right now, both sides lose. If you're willing to do the work as a couple, doesn't have to be that way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wisteria]

Thanks Mr. Lucky. He and I have had counseling at different points in our lives. I don't know if he'd agree to go with me, but it's probably a good idea if I go again myself.

[TintedChrome]

My guess is he's got something going on in his own life or in his own head weighing down on him, and he doesn't have the communication skills or emotional management skills to deal with it.

Could be a bout of mild depression, but it would take a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist to diagnose that.

[Wisteria]

TintedChrome, he is starting a new job next week, and has been going through a lot of stress with the new agency (internal transfer through a government agency, and it's a trainwreck!)

 

BTW, love your Slayer avie.

[HardAtIt]

This is what I do, get out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.

on one side write all the good things, on the other side write all the bad things.

look at the list and see which side outweighs the other side and there is your answer.

 

The other thing I would do is spend some time apart, go somewhere for a while, long enough to see what it's like living without him, and he can see what it's like without you.

If your gone for two weeks and you return and he says why are you back so soon, there is your answer.

[Tayla]

I think the OP nailed it on the communication styles.

 

As someone who tends to be more a listener its annoying to have someone constantly take the Emotional temperature of their partner.

 

Counseling is indeed a way to work thru the family loss and also to get back on track in the relationship.

 

I'm sorry about the family loss...Glad he was a rock. Those attributes may well be what needs remembered during the difference in communication.

[Wisteria]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for all the responses. It eventually did work itself out. And we had a talk about how we communicate. Neither of us will easily change, but we both know we need to compromise. Now we're able to joke about how silly he was being.

 

It does bring up a good point about my grieving. The holidays are going to be difficult. We both know it. But I can't keep using grief as an excuse to become overly sensitive to him.

 

Thanks again for the responses!