are these feelings normal

[sadface79]

Hi I am new here. I need some help and advice. I feel stuck and so unsure.

 

 

I have been married to my husband for ten years. We been together in total for 16yrs. We have one amazing 4 year old boy.

 

 

all in all our marriage is ok. However sometimes I get this feeling (mostly when we argue) every 2-3 months that I want out. I want to be alone. The thought is so intriguing but I'm scared. Scared to start alone. Scared to hurt our child. I don't know of a life without my husband. I was 19 when we met.

what to do?

[BetrayedH]

The feelings certainly sound normal. Marriage is quite a commitment and it's no surprise that you might (from time to time) want out of your end of the deal. For what it's worth, any couple that has made it for the long haul will typically tell you that there were periods where they hardly liked their spouse, let alone felt "in love" with them. I think the beauty in those long marriages is that they had the wherewithal to push through those predictable periods and reestablish a sense of intimacy. There's a ton of books on the subject.

 

A good 50% of marital agreements fall apart because people don't manage those feelings very well. This is where the "hard work" is involved. What's your plan to remain in the 50% of marriages that make it as opposed to the 50% that don't?

[Clockwork]

Those feelings are normal..............when you want out. I swear up and down that even at times my wife and I have fought that I have ever even suggested in my mind that I should leave.

 

 

There is something much deeper that is wrong with your marriage, or else you wouldn't be feeling this way.

[sadface79]

Sometimes I feel lost and confused . I know he is a good man. He has his faults and so do I. We all do. I struggle with his stubborness and he struggles to say sorry. I feel sometimes I hold deep grudges about certain things he said or done but yet never says sorry. He is the only man I been intimate with too. That plays on my mind too

[JonRhodesUK]

Yes, these feelings are normal from time to time. However if you're feeling like this ALL the time then you must question whether you're right for each other.

 

Ultimately you must ask yourself whether you're happy with your partner. Fear shouldn't be the thing holding you together, it should should be something bigger and more pleasant than that.

[elaine567]

I think you have reached the age of 35, with a four year old child in a marriage that you are unsure about.

I guess you are wondering if this is all there is?

There is no black and white issue that would force you to leave, so you are dithering.

Those arguments are bringing you down, but they are obviously not bad enough to eject you from the marriage especially as you have lived with him most of your adult life.

You need to start looking at things objectively.

What do you get from staying in this marriage?

Are you only staying because you are afraid of being on your own?

Are you happy 90% of the time or 10% of the time?

If you are actually spend more time unhappy than happy, then changes need to be made.

You need to communicate with your husband.

If, after you make your case, he is not going to make changes, because he is "stubborn" or never admits he is wrong, then you need to take the initiative and do what is best for you and your son.

[sadface79]

I think you have reached the age of 35, with a four year old child in a marriage that you are unsure about.

I guess you are wondering if this is all there is?

There is no black and white issue that would force you to leave, so you are dithering.

Those arguments are bringing you down, but they are obviously not bad enough to eject you from the marriage especially as you have lived with him most of your adult life.

You need to start looking at things objectively.

What do you get from staying in this marriage?

Are you only staying because you are afraid of being on your own?

Are you happy 90% of the time or 10% of the time?

If you are actually spend more time unhappy than happy, then changes need to be made.

You need to communicate with your husband.

If, after you make your case, he is not going to make changes, because he is "stubborn" or never admits he is wrong, then you need to take the initiative and do what is best for you and your son.

 

You have hit the nail on the head Elaine!

HOw can i look at things objectively?

[elaine567]

You have hit the nail on the head Elaine!

HOw can i look at things objectively?

 

Forget about "love" and "feelings" and "history", just consider the cold hard facts. Take yourself out of the of the emotion, the fear, the resentment, the arguments and the grudges.

Weigh all the facts up.

What are your husband's good points and his bad points, what do YOU truly gain from this marriage?

 

For instance a man may be a hard worker - plus points, but his conversation skills with his wife are minimal - negative points. He loves his daughter - plus points, but he maybe hardly spends any of his free time at home with the family - negative points. SO whilst someone would think that man was great in that he works hard and loves his daughter, to his wife she is basically alone in her marriage and there is little real gain in being married, as she can earn money by herself, to provide for her daughter. Her husband can have visiting rights. She is then free to seek a better relationship.

 

Look at your marriage, from a different angle, pretend that this was your best friend that told you, your story, what would you tell her that was in her best interests?

 

Answer the question - Are you happy 90% of the time or 10% of the time? You don't need to tell me, but you need to be honest with yourself.

 

Then consider if someone else told you they were only happy say 75% of the time in their marriage, what would you say to them? Would you say "well that is just the way it is" or would you be packing their suitcases for them?