newlywedder Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 My husband and I go to a newly married class at our church and I have been noticing this gorgeous blonde woman (I will call Cindy) each week. She is married to a tall handsome man (I will call Hank). I chanced upon them both in the mail room at my apartments and was thrilled that they lived in our same apartment building. It would be cool to have friends that live in our apartments that go to our church. I have carpooled with them to our church class that meets Thursday nights but want more. They don't seem to want to spend time with my husband and I outside of the class. I even have invited them to dinner twice but never heard back. Perhaps they don't want any more friends or want us as friends? I'd like to get to know Cindy more and be closer so had tried to set up get-togethers but keep being rebuffed. I have always been attracted to certain women, usually blonde, big doll eyes and petite so she really strikes me and I want to get to know her better. Although, I have never acted on my feelings and been sexual with any women or men for that matter except my husband. I have not made any kind of move to alert that I am feeling "that way", just that I'd like to have a platonic female friend. I am just so confused because while being attracted to her, I also want her companionship as a friend and do fun things together. I think this is why it bothers me so much that she doesn't want to be my friend outside of the class. I am very lonely since being married and my single friends no longer invite me anywhere. It scares me because one if she was interested in me and found me attractive, would I have the strength to tell her "No" and stick to my husband? I was a virgin when I married him and very faithful to him. I just don't know what to with my feelings I have towards her. I thought of having us no longer go to the class and if needed, that church. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 The world is full of beautiful people that catch your eye and make your heart skip a beat. Just because we fall in love and and marry someone doesn't mean we go blind and never notice other people and it doesn't mean you don't appreciate their charms. It's natural to want to touch beautiful things and natural to want people we like to like us back. There is nothing wrong with you for being attracted to this woman and nothing wrong with your husband or your marriage because you are having these feelings. It's normal, it's natural and it happens to everyone at various times. This time it happens to be a woman. Next time it may be a man. What counts is what DO and how you deal with these feelings. As long as you don't do anything adulterous or put yourself in a situation where adulterous things can happen, then it's just some warmy feelings that remind you that you aren't dead and no harm is done. It's when you start to behave in appropriately or start treating your husband badly that bad things can happen. Regardless of this particular person, you do need to get out and make some married female friends so you aren't so bored and isolated and won't be so vulnerable to something inappropriate and dangerous to your marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I recommend you get the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. You're on a seriously slippery slope here and ridiculously vulnerable to an affair for a newlywed. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 bisexual fantasies can be very hot/kinky. Maybe you can use those fantasies when role playing with husband or just masturbating by yourself. There is a TON of lesbian porn and reading material out there for masturbation. But...I am not getting the whole physical thing. You met a couple at a CHURCH MARRIAGE EVENT? well...obviously this couple is going to ignore your sexual advances...you met at frigin church! If you really want to experiment, make SURE hubby knows, and do your cruising...together...at a local bar or some sort of resort (like Hedonism II). Church folk don't cotton to that kinky sex stuff! Interferes with their bible reading time! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 There was a thread on this site not so long back from a woman who effectively ended her marriage so she could explore her bisexuality. She thought her husband would be supportive. Instead he got bitter quickly and she is looking at a brutal divorce. If you have these feelings they won't go away. If you have an itch your husband can't scratch you may end up very unhappy and resentful. I'd recommend you seek a counsellor skilled in this kind of thing. Because you married as a virgin you clearly didn't take time to experiment before you settled down. Let's say you did have a fling with a woman you may find that is your thing. Apart from a counsellor you could try a gay/bi helpline. You're not the first person to go through this . Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I read your post a little differently. I think you're confused. Since you started having sex, and are becoming more comfortable with sex, you're starting to feel more comfortable with your bisexual feelings. Now that the box has been opened, you have this urge to also explore your bisexual side. Subconsciously, you're seeking out a partner, and looking to create a situation where you can act on your urges. As much as people will tell you that you have to resist, or control your urges, etc; it's incredibly unhealthy for an individual to work against themselves. It sounds like to me this could be a very large aspect of your sexuality, and ignoring it, could cause massive issues. For instance, one day you might meet another woman who feels the same, and she kisses you, and your primal brain shuts out your inhibitions, and you reciprocate, and cheat on your husband. If your feelings are strong, it might not be a if, but when. Another thing, it could start playing on your mind, and the subconscious will start working against your conscious thoughts, and possibly create resentment towards your spouse, as your subconscious brain will see him as an obstacle. If you think your husband is open to the idea, maybe he'll let you experiment a bit, and satisfy your desires. Regardless what you do, you eventually have to face the reality that this might be a fairly big part of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newlywedder Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 I read your post a little differently. I think you're confused. Since you started having sex, and are becoming more comfortable with sex, you're starting to feel more comfortable with your bisexual feelings. Now that the box has been opened, you have this urge to also explore your bisexual side. Subconsciously, you're seeking out a partner, and looking to create a situation where you can act on your urges. As much as people will tell you that you have to resist, or control your urges, etc; it's incredibly unhealthy for an individual to work against themselves. It sounds like to me this could be a very large aspect of your sexuality, and ignoring it, could cause massive issues. For instance, one day you might meet another woman who feels the same, and she kisses you, and your primal brain shuts out your inhibitions, and you reciprocate, and cheat on your husband. If your feelings are strong, it might not be a if, but when. Another thing, it could start playing on your mind, and the subconscious will start working against your conscious thoughts, and possibly create resentment towards your spouse, as your subconscious brain will see him as an obstacle. If you think your husband is open to the idea, maybe he'll let you experiment a bit, and satisfy your desires. Regardless what you do, you eventually have to face the reality that this might be a fairly big part of your life. Yes I agree with this. I had never even masterbated much before marriage either as I was told it was sinful when my dad caught me attempting it as a 10 year old. I had no desire for sex at all so was happy when my husband encouraged us to wait for marriage. He was also a virgin and never even had a girlfriend or went on a date before he met me. I was even his first kiss. He is a wonderful and spiritual man and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him. He treats me like a queen and has me on a high pedestal. It can be hard to live up to those standards so I had a break down the other day when I destroyed his favorite meal in the oven. He said not to worry and that I need to stop trying to be so perfect because he loves me the way I am. He said the only "perfect" I was was "perfect" for him. I felt so bad because of those stupid feelings I am having for a person who will not give me the time of day. Why are us women so stupid sometimes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newlywedder Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 There was a thread on this site not so long back from a woman who effectively ended her marriage so she could explore her bisexuality. She thought her husband would be supportive. Instead he got bitter quickly and she is looking at a brutal divorce. If you have these feelings they won't go away. If you have an itch your husband can't scratch you may end up very unhappy and resentful. I'd recommend you seek a counsellor skilled in this kind of thing. Because you married as a virgin you clearly didn't take time to experiment before you settled down. Let's say you did have a fling with a woman you may find that is your thing. Apart from a counsellor you could try a gay/bi helpline. You're not the first person to go through this . I would never want that way of life since I've been told how sinful it was since I can remember. I'm not sure I would be happy in a relationship with a woman because I feel I would be turning against God. I may just be curious. A part of me also wonders if it is because I am an artist and want to draw her in the nude quite badly. Her body looks like a work of art. IRL I am a digital artist and have a side business selling my artwork in addition to a full time job as a graphic artist. I always been attracted to beauty and beautiful things. My apartment looks like a Pier 1 or Pottery Barn magazine picture even. I just feel horrible and guilty for even noticing her. My husband is quite handsome himself and such a wonderful man. He doesn't deserve for me to look at any other and covet so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newlywedder Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 The world is full of beautiful people that catch your eye and make your heart skip a beat. Just because we fall in love and and marry someone doesn't mean we go blind and never notice other people and it doesn't mean you don't appreciate their charms. It's natural to want to touch beautiful things and natural to want people we like to like us back. There is nothing wrong with you for being attracted to this woman and nothing wrong with your husband or your marriage because you are having these feelings. It's normal, it's natural and it happens to everyone at various times. This time it happens to be a woman. Next time it may be a man. What counts is what DO and how you deal with these feelings. As long as you don't do anything adulterous or put yourself in a situation where adulterous things can happen, then it's just some warmy feelings that remind you that you aren't dead and no harm is done. It's when you start to behave in appropriately or start treating your husband badly that bad things can happen. Regardless of this particular person, you do need to get out and make some married female friends so you aren't so bored and isolated and won't be so vulnerable to something inappropriate and dangerous to your marriage. That is very true. I love and adore beauty a little too much that I can come off as superficial sometimes. As I think deeper, I realize this woman has nothing in common with me and her personality is even a bit bland. I never have any conversations with her or share any interests. I will stop pursuing her as a friend and try to find other people in the group and elsewhere I can get to know. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yeah, because your post is sounding crazy. You're gonna entertain the idea of losing the relationship with the person who took your virginity to an absolute stranger that you aren't even sure is bisexual and wants nothing to do with you? ughhh.. really? ... at church? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 so you have a crush on her and she wants nothing to do with you. Sounds like much of my teens, only I crushed on boys. First off, stop asking them to spend time with you. If you weren't crushing on her, you'd never dream of repeating an invitation that was turned down so much. To do so does seem a bit creepy. SEcond - your thoughts are your own, married or not. You can build your fantasies into your sex life wiht your husband. Marriage is all about finding a way to be yourself within this partnership; sometimes that means play acting or whatever to express yourself. Don't assume that your attraction to her, or anyone else, is a threat to your marriage or your good husband. It only is if you act like it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yes I agree with this. I had never even masterbated much before marriage either as I was told it was sinful when my dad caught me attempting it as a 10 year old. I had no desire for sex at all so was happy when my husband encouraged us to wait for marriage. He was also a virgin and never even had a girlfriend or went on a date before he met me. I was even his first kiss. He is a wonderful and spiritual man and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him. He treats me like a queen and has me on a high pedestal. It can be hard to live up to those standards so I had a break down the other day when I destroyed his favorite meal in the oven. He said not to worry and that I need to stop trying to be so perfect because he loves me the way I am. He said the only "perfect" I was was "perfect" for him. I felt so bad because of those stupid feelings I am having for a person who will not give me the time of day. Why are us women so stupid sometimes? Stupid? You are one of the best women I've come across in a long time. There is nothing stupid or wrong about being the person you are. I think you've just been sexually oppressed for many years. Now that you're breaking down your walls, you're finding things are not as how you've been led to believe. Honestly, there is nothing any of us can suggest for you. You're just going to have to ride it out and let it take you wherever it leads. It's your life and your journey, and you have to do what you need to do to be happy. I see some years of personal growth ahead of you. I think that you should be honest with your husband, and try and work together so that you can work out the things you're experiencing. Good luck. If it doesn't work out, give me a call, LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I would never want that way of life since I've been told how sinful it was since I can remember. I'm not sure I would be happy in a relationship with a woman because I feel I would be turning against God. I may just be curious. . well that is easy to find out. Try internet porn while masturbating. Try both lesbian and heterosexual porn. after a few sessions of each, which one goves you a greater orgasm? if it is the lesbian porn, then you should proceed further--find an internet chat room where you can chat with other lesbians. see how it goes. If you are truly attracted to women, you will find out. If you find you do not like women, you can re-confirm your heterosexual nature. It is more likely that you are bisexual. Attracted to both male and female. What you do about it is another item entirely. There are tons of bisexual married people who never physically act on it. or who only act on it in a fantasy way. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Sounds like you are really confused, but for a newly wedded person to be having fantasies about being with others is not a great sign. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon when your husband or wife is your first and only sexual experience for thoughts of what it would be like with others to creep in. Like wondering what you missed out on.bthen add in that you are the primary bread winner, the initiator of most sex, and it seems to me like this is a time bomb waiting for something to ignite it. There is something missing in your relationship that husband needs to be made aware of that you need from him. As someone else said, as you go through life you are going to encounter tons of men and women you may find attractive, but if you choose a monogamous lifestyle you need to understand why you are thinking of crossing boundaries and how to resist or not put yourself in that position.sounds like if your little blond crush had been receptive you already would have cheated. Hope it works out for you but you have some soul searching to do or your marriage will wind up in trouble Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Just keep reading the Bible and repent for having those sinful thoughts and pray to be released from them. If you are Roman Catholic, go to confession. Even tho he is your husband and you should be able to tell him everything, I would hesitate if he is truly a strong religious man. This could damage your marriage if he is sensitive about things like this. It would definitely crush his ego and all what he has thought of you. I suggest seeing a counselor, or seek help with your minister/priest. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 BTW there are Christian forums, where you can talk to others that are of your faith....this might be more of a help for you. Here is one I used to post at. I liked it because it was more liberal and open than most. I think you would be more comfortable there. Christian Marriage - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums Link to post Share on other sites
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