Want to control my partner???

[weakman]

I have been together with my partner for over 2 years. At the beginning we were "equal" but she managed to tame me. What I mean by that is, we do whatever she wants to do. We barely have sex but she also wants me to be dominating in the bed (and whenever I want to have sex she refuses, like the other day I wanted to tie her up and she told me I should have acted before, but when I do then she says no).

 

So I want to control her, but I have no idea how to do this. I don't even have friends that I meet with anymore. If you ask me that who I met with last month (apart from my colleagues) I would say it's her and her family. We never watch the things that I want, she always owns the TV (and the computer attached to that). She always decides when to binge, what to drink, what to do in the weekend and so on. Whenever I try to make a decision, or reject her reason I became that "horrible partner" who is making her sad. She always has excuses to be sad. I don't know what to do. I have tried to be less loving but that made things worse. All I want is to be able to reject things that I don't feel like doing (just like she has right to do that) and being able to do things that I want.

 

PS: She has told me that she would want me to be more dominating and manly but the way she behaved made me to pretend that I am a child. Ie when I heard the Nine Inch Nails - Closer song on the radio I turned up the volume and she got angry to me as it is a rape song and I am nothing but rapist if I like that song, therefore I am not allowed to listen it NEVER EVER again. So that makes me feel like **** and I responded her back that I never really cared what the lyrics were apart from the chorus (my other response would be a manly and honest one but then I would be labelled as rapist)

 

I cannot take any responsibility anymore because of this as well (I guess that's the main reason why I am 'childish'). Again few times I tried to be honest and gave aggressive and assertive reactions against her dictations and that made the situation worse.

 

Please help me!

[Thegameoflife]

So Mozart is approached by a young boy. The boy asks," Mozart, how do I learn how to create a symphony?" Mozart responds," You go to school for many years until you have the ability to do it." The boy responds," but you wrote your first symphony when you were 5." Mozart replied," That's true, but I never had to ask anyone how to compose a symphony."

 

I'm a dominant person. This applies to sex, and a lot to my personal life. For me, this is who I am. To be dominant, you have to believe you should be in charge. I personally have a lot of self-confidence. I'm just an extremely capable self-motivated person with an in depth world understanding. I never learned to be dominant.

 

However, you can learn, but it's going to require that you alter the way you think, and you may have to improve upon your critical thinking skills. To dominate someone, you must make them comfortable with you. You need to get them to be honest about what they like, and what they want. It avoids the situations where lines are crossed.

 

Dominating can mean a lot of things though. It could mean that you simply take charge, tell her what to do, and essentially decide how sex is going to be carried out. It can go from there, all the way to making her a 100% compliant slave. Then their are add ins like bondage, pain, and humiliation. It's a large spectrum, and only clear and honest communication can help you and your wife establish goals and boundaries.

 

The biggest issue you're facing right now is that your wife is in the dominant position. I'm not sure if this is her nature, or if it's a case of a woman pushing control because she is hoping her husband will put her in her place. My advice would be to get pissed off about it. Honestly, that's no way to live whether you want to be dominant or not. It's ok to say no to people, and disagree.

 

I suggest reading up on D&S online, or even get some books. By reading examples, you can develop yourself for the role.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

So I want to control her, but I have no idea how to do this.

 

 

 

 

We are you asking us. If you want to learn to control your partner, just ask your partner. She has that down pat.

[mrs rubble]

My partner is a very dominant, controlling type of man. He tries to make all the decisions in our relationship too.

 

I got a handle on this right at the beginning, and told him that I was my own person and would be doing what I wanted, when I wanted and with whom I wanted and if he had a problem with that, then now would be the time to leave. So he knew from the beginning I was not a doormat.

 

There was one time recently a friend invited us to a housewarming party.

The friend had asked me first, and I'd said yes I'd love to go. Then when my partner arrived he asked him too, he said no "we" can't go because "we've" already planned on going somewhere else. That somewhere else was somewhere I didn't want to go and I hadn't agreed that I would. So I piped up and said, "you may be going elsewhere, but I'm going to the house warming." and I would not have cared in the slightest if he went elsewhere.

However he came to the housewarming with me in the end.

 

You just need to be more assertive, tell her what you will and won't be doing, don't allow her to control you.

[Priv]

So Mozart is approached by a young boy. The boy asks," Mozart, how do I learn how to create a symphony?" Mozart responds," You go to school for many years until you have the ability to do it." The boy responds," but you wrote your first symphony when you were 5." Mozart replied," That's true, but I never had to ask anyone how to compose a symphony."

 

I'm a dominant person. This applies to sex, and a lot to my personal life. For me, this is who I am. To be dominant, you have to believe you should be in charge. I personally have a lot of self-confidence. I'm just an extremely capable self-motivated person with an in depth world understanding. I never learned to be dominant.

 

A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool. 'William Shakespeare'

 

 

Anyone thinking to have some in depth world understanding is a fool to me. And believe me, Mozart never thought he did. What I do give you is an unsubstantiated self confidence that probably works very well for you in your world.

 

 

OP, I have been in this situation before and I think its going to go from bad to very bad to hell. And this has nothing to do with sex. Try to set boundaries and try to be very specific in your mind as to what the absolute dealbreakers are as well as getting your mind ready to walk away when that day comes. Because it will...

[Thegameoflife]

A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool. 'William Shakespeare'

 

 

Anyone thinking to have some in depth world understanding is a fool to me. And believe me, Mozart never thought he did. What I do give you is an unsubstantiated self confidence that probably works very well for you in your world.

 

 

OP, I have been in this situation before and I think its going to go from bad to very bad to hell. And this has nothing to do with sex. Try to set boundaries and try to be very specific in your mind as to what the absolute dealbreakers are as well as getting your mind ready to walk away when that day comes. Because it will...

 

By shakespeare's logic, everyone is a fool. Sorry your ego is easily offended.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ie when I heard the Nine Inch Nails - Closer song on the radio I turned up the volume and she got angry to me as it is a rape song and I am nothing but rapist if I like that song, therefore I am not allowed to listen it NEVER EVER again.

Just so I understand, how does someone stop you from listening to a song "NEVER EVER again" ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Poppygoodwill]

If she's trying to always get her own way by casting you as a jerk for asserting your own needs and desires (in and out of bedroom) then you should probably end the relationship. taht's a sort of toxic personality against which you can never win unless you are as controlling and manipulative as she is. Which clearly you are not otherwise you wouldn't be writing here.

 

Some people are just bad matches because of their basic chemistry and while it might be good for her to have someone to boss around - in and out of bed - unless that's what you want, you will be the unhappy one in the end.

 

Don't believe her B.S that unless you do what she wnats, you're a bad/dumb/selfish/weak...etc etc person. That's just what she wants you to believe, not what is true.

[Priv]

By shakespeare's logic, everyone is a fool. Sorry your ego is easily offended.

 

Grats. You are able to understand the concept. Not too shabby for someone with in depth world understanding.

[Thegameoflife]

Grats. You are able to understand the concept. Not too shabby for someone with in depth world understanding.

 

Lol. We could go forever, but we would eventually reach our wits end.

[Turtles]

Be assertive, don't be so afraid of conflict. If something makes her upset it's not going to be the end of the world. If she gets so upset she leaves you have lost nothing but a toxic relationship. It could get better if she learns to respect you but it will get worse before it gets better. In her defense, sometimes it's hard to respect someone who is totally complacent because you feel they have no will of their own. I left my xW because of how much she thrived on conflict and power struggle. Then I got me a complacent gf, but I wish she fought head on once in a while instead of always saying yes or making up an excuse.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm afraid I'm not as optimistic as some on here regarding your relationship.

 

She sounds like a serious b*tch. If anyone so much as hinted that kind of behavior with me, his ass would be grass in a non-second.

 

What you're not telling us is how your relationship is overall. I mean, apart from her dominating and fickle personality and your inability to stand up for yourself, do you get on well the other hours of the day?

 

If not, if she's a raging tyrant that makes life a living hell then GET OUT! People with strong personalities like hers rarely change.

 

Unless you're a gluten for punishment or enjoy an epic challenge, the writing is on the wall with this relationship.