elaine567 Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 20 year relationship, not married, no kids. Rocky relationship, fundamentally different people but made the best of it - shared interests. Partner always been moody, it has been a walking on eggshells type of relationship for me. Stonewalling for days at a time. He is an emotionally shut down person, has never been able to discuss feelings, he has never showed any affection, I give, he takes. Impossible to speak to about anything serious, relationship-wise, he just shuts down and refuses to speak. Isolated me from everyone gradually over the years, his erratic behaviour made me shut out friends and relatives, I was too ashamed and worried about what he would do or say, so I found it easier to cut contact. I lost a few friends, have no family and now I have no-one, no-one at all. He would cause scenes and shout/swear/sneer at me in company. He is never sorry, he refuses to accept any responsibility for his actions, no matter how horrible or hurtful they are.. I do not work, I am medically retired due to a chronic illness and we live deep in the country, so my opportunities to meet people are almost non-existent. Over one year ago he stopped speaking almost totally to me, apart from one word answers, when I ask a question. I am at a loss to know why he decided to stop talking then. Speaks and laughs with other people, it is just me he appears to hate - he sneers and looks at me with contempt and retorts angrily at every word I say, or ignores me completely. He can walk away mid-sentence. Never answers phone-calls, emails or texts, unless he wants me to do something. The only times in a whole year he has actually spoken normally to me was when he wanted something from me, usually some help with his computer. Now, all the shared interests are gone, he isn't interested, he has a new life, which is so ironic as I used to be the one that wanted to go places, but he refused to go with me, always saying he was happy pottering about at home. Now he travels the country and goes abroad on business and I am the one stuck at home, looking after his dogs and animals. He has been working away from home 4-5 days a week now, for the past 10 months. For the past month he has been going out alone socially at weekends too and not coming home at night. When I asked what is going on, he says he can do what he wants, "You cannot tell me what to do" and "It is none of your business what I am doing". I want this to stop, I have asked him to go, as I am the one keeping the place going, I do all the stuff here inside and out. He treats the place like a hotel, he checks in, doesn't speak to me at all, then he goes out socially with people I have never met, he spends little time here, he then packs his stuff for the next week of work and leaves. He refuses to go and he even suggested that I go. I could go, but I do not want to go, lots of my money is tied up here and I am sure he will make it as difficult as possible for me to retrieve it. This is not a "but I love him" situation. I could change the locks, but he has the potential to smash things and then where would I be? I am unsure what to do next. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 elaine567, I am curious as to why you are still in this bizarre " relationship"? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author elaine567 Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 Long story, too scared to leave for a long time. For past few years, too complicated to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 OK elaine567, Are you ready and brave enough to leave now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author elaine567 Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 Probably. Have been considering leaving, but now I do not want to leave, I feel he should leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 OK, then I would get some legal advice about where you stand on this. You don't say who owns the property or if it is rented. You don't say who is working and who is not. I agree that he appears to be the one with the problem and that if everything in life was fair, he should leave but it may not be as simple as that. AW Link to post Share on other sites
Author elaine567 Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 Owned in joint names. I do not/cannot work and that is what I am frightened of and what sends me into a blind panic about leaving in reality. If I leave, he may be able to sit tight for years, and deny me the money I am owed and money I will need to make a life for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 elaine567, If I leave, he may be able to sit tight for years, and deny me the money I am owed and money I will need to make a life for myself. this is why you need to consult a solicitor/lawyer to advise you as to the best course of action. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author elaine567 Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 This is a slam-dunk, get an attorney. your husband doesn't get to decide what he does with the money or the property, the judge does and the judge has to follow divorce law and divorce law pretty says the marital assets get split down the middle. There is no other way around this. If you want to lead an even slightly normal and reasonable life, you have to get an attorney and divorce him and move on with your life. You can not change him. You can only determine your own actions. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 I'm guessing you're not married since you say partner and relationship instead of husband and marriage. Common law marriage, perhaps? Regardless, you need an attorney. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 I'm guessing you're not married since you say partner and relationship instead of husband and marriage. Common law marriage, perhaps? Regardless, you need an attorney. Oooops yes in looking back at her first post, she specifically says they are not married. That really doesn't change our advice any though Elaine. In many courts a 20 year cohabitating relationship will be delt with in much the same way as a divorce of a legally married couple. You will need a lawyer to determine the specifics whether you are married or not. Advice is the same - get a lawyer and work with him/her. Link to post Share on other sites
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