Husband Broke Trust

[herenorthere35]

I'm new to this so I apologize if I've posted this in the wrong area...

 

In 2011 my husband began texting a female co-worker outside of work unbeknownst to me. These text messages happened for over a year, maybe longer? While he was texting her, I was pregnant with our first child. My husband acted secretive with his phone but I trusted him and any odd behavior I dismissed as me being suspicious. I had no reason to not trust him! Our baby girl was born and my husband was distant. I thought he was adjusting to life as a father as I was adjusting to motherhood as well. I told him I felt there was a distance between us... he dismissed me. He was texting his female coworker the whole time! His coworker moved departments and their texting died down -- still unbeknownst to me! Then one day our internet was down and I picked up his phone to check something and there was a message from her. Curious I clicked on the message and found text history that went on forever! My heart sank. I felt sick ... some remarks in their texting were sexually inappropriate. There goes my trust for him... holy crap I was blindsided!!

 

So I find out my husband was texting her in 2010 and 2011 when I was pregnant and gave birth to our first child. I discovered the texts in 2012. By then, his coworker moved departments. She was also married and had a kid. She later quit her job so she doesn't work with my husband anymore.

 

The texts were inappropriate and sometimes sexual in nature, but more flirtatious. It didn't seem like they slept together or had any physical contact. They were just "good friends". I confronted my husband about keeping her a secret and he dumped it on me that he didn't want me to be jealous. If it was so innocent, why hide it? And he acted like the sexual comments is how guys talk and she was like one of the guys ... I pointed out the obvious--you're both married, not appropriate!! They have 10 coworkers/Facebook friends in common. I demanded they stop being friends on Facebook. He agreed. He played dumb like she was just a friend but he was hiding it for over a year, years, acted sneaky, and we were distance so I knew there was more to it! He refused to block her on Facebook even though it hurt me. He said he wanted to see what say said on mutual friends pages. But somehow we worked through it ... life moved on. His coworker wasn't working there and my husband gave me access to his phone, email, etc. He said he has nothing to hide, nothing happened with the coworker. He made me feel like I was making it a bigger issue than it was... but his explanations didn't sit well with me. From 2012 - this past summer, August 2014, I didn't trust my husband. Life went on and life was pleasant but I always felt he was hiding something. So paranoia got the best of me and I snooped through his computer and found a folder with pictures of his former coworker in it!! Nothing nasty, just Facebook pictures and a few screenshots of the two of them together. I nearly died! I looked at the dates when he saved the pictures and it was in 2011 when he was secretly texting this woman--also the same exact time I was pregnant and gave birth to our first child. All our past problems from 2012, when I found out about the secret texting, resurfaced. A small part of me is happy to know the truth ... He admitted he liked her!!! He finally fessed up. All his behavior pointed to him liking her but he played dumb. He said he deleted the folder/pictures back in 2012 when the crap first hit the fan between us, but when he backed up his computer that's when the pictures returned ... he claims he didn't know the pictures were on his computer. And the pictures weren't because I had snooped before (which I'm not proud of) and had never seen the pictures then.

 

So now I really don't trust my husband but he swears he never did anything with her, that he was immature, that now we have two daughters and he had grown a lot and sees what is important in his life--me and our two girls. We went to a therapist and my husband has opened up to me and we feel very connected again--like when we first got married 7 years ago.

 

But I'm still hurt and mad about this other woman. My husband shut me out and had nothing to do with me emotionally when he was texting her and then acts like I'm jealous when I find out about it! So from 2012 - present I've turned into this bitter jealous wife, thinking my husband is just dumb and will fall for another girl, when all along he knew exactly what he was doing! I also tried to reconnect with him and he blew me off. He didn't come clean about all this until I found the pictures! When I found the pictures, and thought about how poorly my husband has been treating me, I told him I wanted a divorce. We have a 3 1/2 year old and a 6 month old. It's one thing to find pictures and have a good marriage, but I found pictures of this other woman and examined my sucky marriage and decided enough was enough! But my husband says he has changed, he doesn't care about this former coworker, etc. I don't believe him!! If he is over this woman, I think another will eventually capture his attention! I don't want to live my life being that crazy paranoid wife that snoops. It's an awful feeling, but how do you forgive and rebuild trust? I think my husband has matured since we've had kids and he's making a ton of effort to rebuild our relationship, but it's hard for me to accept because our trust is broken. I feel like he ruined us but I'm going to give us another try for the sake of our little girls but how do you trust again? How do you keep the rage in check? I'm so mad he wants to fix things now because why didn't he want to fix them before when I was begging him? I'm so full of anger! Not to mention the blows to my ego for engaging this other woman... what kills me most is him saving pictures of the two of them together. Help! How do you trust again? Am I a fool?

[oldshirt]

I recommend getting back into therapy. Unless there is something else out there that has happened or is going on that we don't know about, I think the situation as you've described it is salvageable.

 

I understand your hurt and anger and there is cause for some serious work here but it sounds like it was primarily some flirtation and banter and nothing physical or even any declarations of heavy feelings or devotion etc.

 

I think with serious therapy and work from both of you it is possible to get past this and get to a better place.

 

At this time you need a lot of reassurance and support and it sounds like he is willing to do that. I think in time if you can see him stepping up to the plate day after day and being there for you and the kids and you see him going to counseling and working with you and the counselor and doing everything that is asked by you/the counselor, I think your hurt and anger will fade over time and your faith and trust in him can be rebuilt.

 

It won't happen overnight and there will be periodic set-backs and triggers but assuming everyone is working in good faith, even those will fade over time.

 

Assuming there isn't more to this story, I think things were caught in time before everything went over the edge.