mmam1986 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I have been with my fiancee for now a little bit over 2 years. Last year we bought a house and a nice little beagle and later this year we plan to have our first child. Here is the issue. During our relationship together, after about a year our sex life really took a dive, we were still happy together, but had little to no sex life. We were like roommates almost that slept in the same bed and would go out, however, we didn't have many issues beside the boring sex. During this time period, I would seek out other women (people I meet at the gym, dog park, restaurants etc) and would have the occasional 1 time hook up. I have always felt bad for it, but truth be told, these other women mean nothing to me in terms of love, it was a strictly sexual thing. About 5 months ago, I left the country for a month because of my job and then she cheated on me with a coworker ( I did not know this until recently). Then in the last months, she was having FB conversations with someone else and would exchange nudes. During that time, I still occasionally cheated on her as well. about a month ago, she found some porn on my computer, got very upset and said the relationship was over. It was a friday and when i came back to the house, she was already gone. That same night she invited her coworker to her hotel room and had sex. That weekend, she went to another city with friends and as far as I know did not have anymore sex (I was at the house). On Sunday, she came back to the house as we agreed that we would still live together until we sell the house. That sunday when she came back, she had sex again with the coworker prior to making her way home. However, during that very same weekend, i opened an online dating account and also hooked up with a girl that same Sunday. The next day, we had a heart to heart(this is where I found out about the cheating on her part when I was away out of the country to work, she said it was with a stranger at a bar and that she was to drunk, this of course is a lie as it was with the coworker, but I believed her at the time). I howver, never revealed my prior cheating or my online dating fling. We forgave eachother for all the past mistakes and decided to start anew again from 0. We vowed to not become the sexless couple that we were and to try to make this relationship work. We even discuss having our first child. For 2 weeks, everything was great, we were more interested in eachother, and we were intimate. The weekend of the second week, I went to another city for work. During this time, she invited her coworker over and once more had sex with him. The only reason i know this is because I secretly had her FB account password and read the messages leading up to that. I called her and she said that its just how they talk and that nothing actually happened (remember, at this moment, i do not know that she was hooking up with this man, i thought that it was a stranger at a bar, and also did not know about the hotel sex or the Sunday night sex). We patched things up over the phone and I apologized for over reacting. A week later (this weekend) I found erased conversations of her and the coworker revealing all the previous cheating. Now here is the dilemma, Before we had a talk to become a new couple, everything was forgiven and I accepted that she cheated on me when I was away (with what I thought was a stranger) and started over agin. However, I really was serious about never again being unfaithful, but her, no more then 2 weeks later was once more unfaithful. I confronted her about it, she denied it very vigouroosly, but broke once I showed her the deleted messages(this is when I found out about the other nights and also that it was no stranger at a bar but in fact her coworker). She was very upset and said that it was the last time she promised. We nce more patched things up... I know that I have been no angel myself, but i really was serious about starting anew and being fateful and attentive to her needs. Her however was once more unfaithful less then 2 weeks in. Obviously I resent her now, and am very untrusting, i check her phone records etc.... Is there a future here, we really want kids. would that solve anything or is she just a liar that cant be trusted, my job requires me to be away for months at a time sometimes and so does her job. What do you guys think? Should I call it of? i really want to build a family, but dont know if I can trust her. Link to post Share on other sites
The Like Fairy Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 (edited) This issue is really not that complicated and all too common here on this site. A relationship is nothing if you can't trust the one another. You can't trust her and she can't trust you. Call it quits, move on, and commit to developing your own honesty and integrity. This may also involve becoming more spiritually developed as well. Next time you find yourself in a relationship where the sex has fizzled, talk openly about it, find a couples counselor, or leave. But don't cheat. It is never a viable solution in the long run. Good luck. Edited October 20, 2014 by The Like Fairy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 What do you guys think? Should I call it of? i really want to build a family, but dont know if I can trust her. Do you think having the burden of kids is going to suddenly make her want to have sex with you? Look... she intentionally shut down your sex life and THEN intentionally started sleeping with another man. I know most people are probably going to blame you for cheating, and I do to a degree, but this woman is complete crap! Dump her and move on! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Despite your thread title, it is not complicated at all. You two are quite simply not ready to be a monogamous, committed relationship so - of course - you should call it off. Also, YOU should come clean with your cheating as well. You are invading her privacy and there is no even playing field with your infidelities and her infidelities. Perhaps you should consider having an open relationship instead of this farce of a committed one... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 When you say planning to have a family later this year, is she currently pregnant? I hope not because the last thing you two should do is bring a baby into this mess. You also better figure out who the father is because you can't say for sure it's yours. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Last year we bought a house and a nice little beagle and later this year we plan to have our first child. Why? Without judgement, neither of you seem committed to the basics of marriage and family. And so it's counter-productive to pledge yourself to one person when you're both still playing the field. Who gets custody of the beagle ??? Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Ew you're both disgusting lying cheats. Your relationship will likely always be full of lies and nasty stuff but maybe it's better than inflicting yourselves on other innocent people. The idea that you two are ANYWHERE NEAR mature enough for marriage and children is downright laughable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Are you even for real????? You have to ask strangers on the internet about this??? I have a better suggestion, tell this story to both of your grandmothers and see what they have to say about it. As the others have all said, this is not the least bit complicated. This is as cut and dried as it gets. You two are simply incompatible and lack the maturity and dedication required to have a healthy, stable relationship. You should both be shot for even considering bring a child into all of this. .....ok that was probably harsh and inappropriate to say, you shouldn't be shot. You should be be surgically sterilized until you have the maturity to deal with an adult relationship appropriately and are in a stable, healthy relationship with a compatible, adult partner and are happily married and have a stable home in which to raise the child. She is going to try to get you to knock her up to keep you around for support. She may even intentionally get knocked up by these other men and claim it is yours so you have to pay for it, Don't let any sperm get near her. Your best bet is to dump her and walk away and never speak to her again but since you seem to have poor impulse control and lack of planning, I suggest using condoms 100% of the time, pulling out and then flushing the condom down the toilet ASAP so she doesn't dig it out of the trash and use a turkey bayster on herself (don't laugh or blow that off, people really do do that) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 You're more or less beating a dead relationship-horse here. Neither of you is faithful or honest. You're both seeking outside excitement. You've just somehow convinced yourself to continue lying to her and presenting the image of a loyal partner, which you aren't. I don't understand why on earth you're still together. It's obviously not working and getting married and starting a family would be incredibly foolish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I think you should stay with her just because you are both dishonest cheaters and I wouldn't want to see either of you start a new relationship with an innocent trusting person. If you two remain a couple it will protect everyone else. However do not have children with her as no child deserves to be born into this kind of drama. Start wearing condoms so that if she does turn up pregnant at least you will know it's not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 The only thing I can think about at this point is thank God there are no kids involved in this mess. You know what? It doesn't matter what the two of you do in terms of this very screwed up relationship. However, if you're kidding yourself and thinking that a child is going to make things better, I'm here to tell you that the insanity will be escalated by 10 if a kid is thrown into the mix. Your relationship is already on the highway to hell, and if you pursue this to the point of having kids, you'll end up paying child support and visiting your kid(s) every other weekend. Please, wait about 5 to 10 years so that you can grow up and understand what's really involved in having kids and a relationship. Right now, you and your gf are so far off-track, there are no words. Not meaning to criticize you because none of it really matters right now. Go have fun -- date, screw around, whatever. But all of it will matter A LOT if there are kids involved. Please don't do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Man Mountain Makino Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 What do you guys think? Should I call it of? i really want to build a family, but dont know if I can trust her. There's nothing complicated about this issue. Go your separate ways. You each seem to already do that, so just make it official. Link to post Share on other sites
whatcanitellyou Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 You're just as big of a liar and in some ways worse, because by not revealing your quite extensive cheating you've kept a certain amount of moral high ground. If you want to really start over tell her everything and see if she still wants anything..... she may suspect you're keeping more from her anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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