My needs are not being met...at a loss on how to fix it

[confuzed25]

My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years, together for 3 1/2. He is 30, I am 28. Literally up until we got married he was the most affectionate, loving man ever. That is one of the main reasons I was so in love with him...I mean we have a lot in common and he is genuinely a good person and has his life together but the attention and love he showed me all the time was what made me really value him. I am an affectionate type of person, I grew up with parents that are affectionate and saw how much they loved each other and how they told and showed each other everyday. I need affection, it is really important to keep me happy in a relationship.

 

But we got married and he was just so in love with me that day, it was such an amazing day. We went on our honeymoon and had a great time and came home and it was like he was a different person. The affection died way down. Then it would come back a little bit and then go away again. Its like he goes through these periods where he just distances himself from me. Ive tried to talk to him about it in the past and he acts like he is clueless and has no idea what im talking about. He swears he hasnt been acting any different or says that its stress from his job or hes been tired, etc. and then changes the subject. He is very hard to communicate with...he either makes jokes about it or just changes the subject. When I ask him why he isnt very affectionate anymore he always jokingly says "Because we're married, I dont have to do that anymore" and laughs about it. Our sex life has fallen back to once every 2 weeks or so....hes never had a high sex drive but it used to be at least once or twice a week.

 

This past week has been worse than its ever been...I started a new job where I am home every night now whereas I used to work 3 nights a week so now he sees me more instead of having alone time 3 nights a week. I dont know if that has anything to do with it or not. But he went out with his friend who is newly single and he said they were going for dinner. I was fine with it because I pretty much let him do whatever he wants, I dont care if he goes out with friends and I know he will never cheat on me. Seriously, he hates cheating and will never do it. But I fell asleep on the couch and 3 1/2 hours later wake up and he is still not home. He had just texted me and said "please dont be mad im not home yet, its been great catching up with my best friend." I just said "when can I expect you home?" He said "within a half hour, im just finishing up this beer and then im heading that way." An hour and a half later and he is STILL not home and I hadnt heard from him. The longer I waited the madder I got...I was furious by the time I called him and he said he was at his friend's house and he had lost track of time. He came home 4 minutes later. (His friend lives right around the corner from us.) He did not apologize and did not understand why I was even upset. I told him it was because I feel like I was lied to, that he said he was coming home in a half hour and an hour and a half later and he still wasnt on his way home. He said "well whatever, I just lost track of time."

 

I went to bed mad and not speaking with him and he kept trying to rub my back and make conversation with me which he only does when I'm mad. The next morning I had cooled down some so I told him goodbye and that I loved him before I left for work. Thats another thing that really has bothered me in the past couple weeks....I have noticed that he never says I love you unless I say it first. When we go to bed he doesnt say it and when we leave for work he doesnt say it. If I say it first he will say "love you too babe" but he just doesnt take the initiative to say it first anymore.

 

I totally feel like his roommate instead of his wife....lately he has occasionally held my hand while walking or he will playfully grab my butt when passing me but thats it. He doesnt rub my shoulders anymore like he used to or come up behind me and wrap his arms around me or just spontaneously try to make love to me. He has talked about us refinancing the house and putting my name on it also and he just changed his life insurance policy to make me the beneficiary instead of his brother. He has been saying he is ready to start a family and when he talks about the future he says "we," like saying we will probably buy a new house within the next 5 years. So I dont think he is wanting out of this marriage but I am just not happy and want the man I married back. He comes home from work and we lay on different couches to relax and he is constantly on his phone browsing Facebook or fantasy football. I have looked through his phone when he was in the shower and there was nothing at all suspicious in his texts, emails, or Facebook. I know he wont physically cheat on me but I am at such a loss to why he has changed so much that I have been trying everything to figure it out.

 

I feel like I have been lied to...like he acted like one person to get me to marry him and now that he has me he doesnt have to try to impress me anymore. I never ever thought it would be like that...he just treated me so amazing before we were married that I figured it just came naturally to him. It was like I had the upper hand before marriage, like he cared more about me than I cared about him and now it is the opposite. I just dont know how to fix this....I find myself being so jealous of couples I see on facebook where the husband got his wife flowers just for no reason or where the husband will write something nice about his wife for everyone to see or will put up a status saying how much he loves and appreciates his wife. I just crave his attention and affection and I rarely get it anymore...I've been finding myself kind of questioning whether he really is the one for me and I am afraid I am going to start wanting attention from other men if I am not getting it from my husband. I would never ever cheat on him but I am afraid I am going to fall out of love with him or start thinking about what it would be like to be with someone else.

 

I feel like marriage ruined our relationship and I just dont know how to fix it...

[curiousGeorge2]

Obviously he is using you for some reasons that only he knows. The few years after the wedding is supposed to be the honeymoon period and his behavior said a lot about what he wanted from this marriage.

 

Believe it will only get worse overtime. Don't try to have a baby with him. If things do not improve in 6 months get a divorce.

[Joytherapy]

I am sorry that you are in such difficult situation. It sounds like you really do love him, and you have every right to be confused and upset. Did you have any kind of pre-marital counseling? In order to work through the underlying issues, it might be wise to consider either individual or couples therapy.

[Poppygoodwill]

Not sure how much time you spent together before you married, but it is a big change to live iwth someone and have the constant (and reasonable, considering you're married) expectation that you will always spend time with them, be with them, and share things with them -- including your time, your bed, your body, your thoughts....

 

Some people need more space and 'me' time than others. I'm one of them. I really need to have time on my own every day to feel balanced. It's so important to my well being that even if I'm tired, I'll stay up late after everyone has gone to bed just to have some quiet time on my own, with my own thoughts.

 

I raise this not because you're restricting him from having time on his own, or with his friends, as you pointed out. Just that, if he's like me, and finding himself in the situation where he's not getting the right balance of time for himself, it might cause him to pull back from you just to get himself some space. I do the same thing. Because I need a bit of space from my partner and if I don't get it one way, I'll - almost unconsciously - get it another way by withdrawing slightly, being cooler with him and being less affectionate. I can't even control it. I've just learned over the years to recognize it, and remedy it by getting some 'me' time. After which I'm more than happy to snuggle up to him.

 

If your husband is like this, he might not be aware of it. He might not have thought consciously about what it means to be married, to live with someone, to have the normal expectations of tiem and energy and intimacy and what that means to him.

 

Perhaps you two have never talked about the balance that each of you wants to strike.

 

So maybe you could step back from the issue of his apparent decrease in affection adn intimacy, and start a conversation about space and balance in your marriage? What's the ideal amount of time spent together? What are the expectations for affection, for sex? How can you strike the right balance so that everyone feels comfortable, secure, and happy?

Edited October 25, 2014 by Poppygoodwill

[oldshirt]

When I read your post I'm really getting the impression that what's missing here for you is the intensity and stimulation you were a costumed to before marriage.

 

Nothing you have said here indicates that there has been any wrong doing or any character or behavior flaws or anything that indicates he isn't a devoted and sincere husband acting in good faith.

 

I think if a song were to be written about you here, it would be something like this - ' Me me me me me me meeeeee. Me me me me me meee meeeee, Mmmmmmmeeee me me meee. Meeee meee meee me meeeeee. Meee mmmmmmeeeee. MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE,'

 

 

LOL Ok maybe that was bit harsh and unfair but I do want to kind of jolt you back down to reality. Marriage just simply isn't fun and bliss 24/7. If you go into expecting you are going to have the rush of passion and discovery that you had in the initial days of falling in love, it just simply isn't going to happen. Marriage is real life and real life is going to work, coming home and paying the bills and figuring out when you can get the car dropped off to get the brakes fixed and getting the cat to the vet.

 

Now that doesn't mean your discontent needs to be dismissed either. This really is a legitimate issue that needs to be addressed ASAP before it festers and turns into something much more serious.

 

What I think is going on here is you have different love languages and how he is showing you love is not what you really need. and what you really need he is dropping the ball on a bit.

 

I have the feeling your primary love language(s) are physical touch and words of affirmation where as his may be deeds or something.

 

In a nutshell he is working hard to please you, it's just in a manner that isn't that important to you while in the mean time, the things that do matter to you, he isn't giving it as much time and energy as you want.

 

My recommendation is get the book, "The 5 Love Languages" and take that test together and you may find that by each of you putting in more effort where it really counts, can make a big difference.

 

And don't be afraid to consult some professional marriage counseling either if you feel that you aren't being heard and you are starting to get serious feelings of wanting out of the marriage or getting yearnings for other men.

 

This may just be part of the adjustment process for transitioning in to married life, but if left untreated and unaddressed it certainly can turn into something much deeper and much more destructive.