husband doesnt invite me out with him

[mw0411]

hi guys

so my husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6. He is great in so many ways but I don't have the tools to handle certain issues we do have.

The issue I want to discuss now is his complete disinterest in inviting me out with him or doing anything which would require him to show me public attention or be open about our marriage.

 

He actually goes out with friends fairly often which I encourage, about two-three times a month or any time his friends are in town. He also plays on multiple sports teams at least 2 times a week, so it seems like we get a fair amount of time apart. We are also young and active and have no kids.

Here is the issue: it seems like he never wants to do anything me outside of our home or fast food restaurants. I ask him to workout with me all the time, he always says no, which is annoying because he has no problem playing sports with other people. I ask him if he wants to go out to bars or other night activities, he always says no, but he almost always goes when he is invited by other people and he does not invite me. Tonight he was invited out, said he was gonna go, and I gave him "the look" and he said "if you're gonna complain then fine, you can go if you want" and rolled his eyes.... Sorry but that's not really a great feeling. I know no marriage is perfect, but I would just love for my own husband to be excited about the prospect of going out on the town with his wife.

Also, he is basically the life of the party when he goes out with his friends, but on the rare occasions we go do something, he stares at his phone or across the restaurant the whole time. I'm not the most interesting person in the world, but I can hold a conversation.

Also, we used to play on the same sports teams together, but not once, even when I asked, did he let me play on a team with him because he was embarrassed to ask the captain or whoever formed the team. That's pretty stupid right?

 

Is this normal behavior or does my husband just not enjoy my company? Our only activities together are walking the dogs and watching tv. I feel like we are missing out on fun together at our young age.

[Dontfindme]

Hi OP - sorry to hear this.

 

Have you tried addressing this issue with your husband? Is it be possible that he's oblivious?

Honestly, it doesn't sound like it to me; he sounds disrespectful, and unpleasant.

 

I hope you're still doing things for yourself. Pursuing your hobbies, hanging out with your friends and family, focusing on work/school.

[mw0411]

thanks for your reply, I have brought it up with him but he always finds an excuse or it never gets resolved. Normally his response is "fine I just won't go out anymore" which doesn't solve anything obviously and he just doesn't get it. Not sure how to handle it.

[Dontfindme]

thanks for your reply, I have brought it up with him but he always finds an excuse or it never gets resolved. Normally his response is "fine I just won't go out anymore" which doesn't solve anything obviously and he just doesn't get it. Not sure how to handle it.

 

 

It really just sounds like he's not taking your marriage seriously at all, and acting like a kid.

 

I would try addressing the issue again - perhaps when he's in a good mood, and focused on you?

[Arieswoman]

mw0411,

He sounds like he is incredible immature. How old is he?

[anna121]

I think he is being incredibly rude and immature, but honestly what I would find most concerning is that your husband clearly does not enjoy doing stuff with you.

 

I know my husband would rather hang out with me than anyone else. Period. I am always free to accompany him wherever, whenever. So I am fine with him having an occasional dinner or a night out. I can't imagine being in a situation like you describe.

 

How long have you been married? How long did you date before that? What was your relationship like pre-marriage?

 

What is your relationship like overall? Do you fight a lot? Do you find yourself nagging him?

[bathtub-row]

This is completely off-the-wall behavior and, no matter how you look at it, it does not add up to anything encouraging. I've never known couples who didn't hang out with one another and do lots of things together. I mean, isn't that one of the main reasons to get married -- to hang out with someone you really like being around? I totally understand doing things away from each other, as a matter of fact, it's very important. But he seems to never want to be around you. Not only that, but when you bring up that it's a problem or that it hurts you, he gives you a ridiculous answer that doesn't resolve anything. This is not a man who values you or your marriage.

 

Some possible reasons for his actions could be:

 

- he doesn't like you

- he doesn't want to be married to you

- he's ashamed of you

- he's married to someone else (i.e. he's leading a double life)

- he's having an affair and doesn't want the OW to see you with him

- he likes to flirt when he's out and doesn't want you around

- he's not actually going out with friends but is having one-night stands

- he never grew up and never will

- he's a complete idiot

 

Whatever his reasons, if my husband felt this way about me and treated me this way, I'd get out of his way so that he could enjoy life without me. If talking to him about it doesn't resolve anything and if letting him know that this is a dealbreaker doesn't change anything, you should exit this marriage. This man is completely disrespectful toward you.

[d0nnivain]

What do you think a good compromise would be? Talk to him again but have a solution. You know him never going out again is not a solution but perhaps you could be invited along once in a while, you can schedule date nights, you can meet the buddies wives & GFs so all of you can hang out to support the teams they play on.

[Ronni_W]

Normally his response is "fine I just won't go out anymore" which doesn't solve anything obviously and he just doesn't get it. Not sure how to handle it.

Ask him, "My beloved, HOW did you hear me saying that I don't want you to go out anymore?"

Then after you've done listening to him and had a proper conversation about whatever he said, you may have to ask, "My darling, WHAT words should I use for you to know that ALL I would just love is for us to SOMETIMES go out TOGETHER? I don't know how to say that with coming across like I'm complaining and/or asking you to stop going out altogether."

 

You're right that he is not getting something. MAKE him, through gentle inquiry, help you get what/why he is not getting it. Failing that, you may need to say along the lines of, "My sweet love, I am having trouble expressing myself properly and WE therefore need (our marriage therefore requires/demands) US to go and see a professional so that I can get the help that I clearly need with this problem of mine."

 

I do get the frustration of having to go to lengths such as these. But...he is the one necessitating it, for whatever thoughts are going on within his head. That's not on you, so don't feel bad/guilty about doing whatever you need to do to get to the bottom of it. You do deserve to know whatever is his truth.

 

Hugs and best.

[dichotomy]

butnot once, even when I asked, did he let me play on a team with him because he was embarrassed to ask the captain or whoever formed the team. That's pretty stupid right?

 

.

 

Ya pretty stupid, unless he is some super competitive and trophy winning athlete.

 

I think bathtub had a great post.

 

I would add the following

 

1) Are YOU going out with out without him?. Your not sitting at home while he goes out are you? Might not hurt to beat him to the punch sometimes - have a GF call you a few nights each month and say "heading out with some friends see you later".....and come home real late.

 

2) Spy on him to see whats going on.

 

 

3) Hold off on having any kids if you dont have any yet.

[Ursa]

This is certainly not normal behavior. My husband and I have been going through a rough year, but we would still rather hang out with each other than anyone else, most of the time. In your situation, I would insist on marriage counseling.

[ExpatInItaly]

He sounds bored in the marriage and and he is being rude to you. Never wanting to do anything with your spouse and then being childish when you're called out on it ("Fine, I just won't go out at all!") is a huge red flag. He's either not in love anymore, ashamed of you in some way, or has someone else in his life he doesn't want seeing you. Sorry, OP, just my objective observations.

[beatcuff]

I ask him to workout with me all the time, he always says no, which is annoying because he has no problem playing sports with other people.

 

HUGE difference. working out is a solitary activity; in which one 'thinks'. team sports is a great way of getting some physical activity AND forgetting the world outside.

 

I ask him if he wants to go out to bars or other night activities, he always says no, but he almost always goes when he is invited by other people and he does not invite me.

 

OP without seeing how YOU act on a night out this can be a challenge but it maybe --- you are boring. he is tired of entertaining you the entire time.

 

and/or with his friends he has to always make sure you are engaged, so instead of enjoying his night he is making sure you are 'ok'.

 

PLEASE before you give the knee-jerk "no way". ask him. and do not say "why don't you take me" (for the hundredth time).

 

you need to frame it so you get an explanation. try a variation of 'do you not have me come with you because i am high maintenance?'.

[SawtoothMars]

Is this normal behavior or does my husband just not enjoy my company? Our only activities together are walking the dogs and watching tv. I feel like we are missing out on fun together at our young age.

 

I can't say if this fits your situation or not, but I was very much like this with my xWife.

 

I didn't like to go anywhere with her and the primary reason was because she was so hypercritical and controlling. I could save myself days of fighting and bitching by doing stuff alone.

[tobrieornottobrie]

Have you considered suggesting marital counseling to your husband? Perhaps an unbiased ear to help mediate and deal with issues would be helpful? Or have you considered talking to a trusted family member or friend?

 

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

[SJS]

Have you just shown up to be with him? Like to a game, or the bar and say you want one beer and then take off. How did he treat you then?

[sagamore]

He sounds like he's cheating...and begging you to bust him so he can exit the marriage.

 

I'm really sorry. You deserve way better.

[Els]

Doesn't sound like normal behaviour at all.

 

Do you think there might be a deeper issue here? Not necessarily cheating, but it is one of the possibilities. Has he always been this way? Or did he just stop wanting to go out with you after a certain period of time?