DaliaP Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 My husband and i got married 3yrs ago together 6yrs, 11months after we met i gave birth to our son. Before we met he was a drug addict but had been clean for 4mnths we met. He travels alot for work and my son and i travel with him, when he goes to Europe i choose to stay at home as i feel its too much for our son, my husband can fully support us both, He always says that he doesnt know how he got so lucky in life after all the ***** he done, that our son and I give his life meaning & keep him together. Last night we were out with friends. A heated arguement started between us about something personal, him telling me to "grow the f*ck up & that i was acting like a stupid f*cking school girl" that hurt me as he never spoke to me like that before. I reacted & stupidly crossed the line I told him that he should ease up on the booze because we didn't want him to relapse into his old addictive ways" he just looked at me hurt and walked out, As soon as i said it i regretted it and Im furious with myself for saying that to him as he didn't deserve it at all i said one of the cruelest remarks a recovering drug addict could hear andhe is now giving me the silent treatment, When i try talking to him or touch him he just walks away or starts playing with our son, He will not acknowledge me and its driving me crazy, We have never been like this in our relationship and i hate that I've messed up big time and terrified i've ruined things, How can i fix this? Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 If one regretted sentence during a heated argument can 'destroy your marriage' it can't be much of a marriage. Is he hurt and angry over what you said or over the fact he may be relapsing. Surely a recovered drug addict should be watching his alcohol consumption. if you constantly give him digs about his old ways, then he has a right to be annoyed. But if he is still acting like a hurt bitch then he is doing it to make you feel bad and it seems to be working. I think you need to stop wringing your hands and crawling round him to make it up. When your child is asleep, in a firm, detached and non emotional way (don't get all grabby and pleady) apologise for what you said, 'it was heat of the moment, you didn't mean it, he is a good dad and you love him etc etc'. Then tell him you are going to bed and if he wants to accept your apology you will be waiting in whatever lingerie turns him on. Or he can behave like a spoilt child, not accept your apology and kip on the couch. Again, you may have upset him but he is the one behaving like a silly spoilt school girl here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Since he's drinking alcohol - it may be the booze instead of the drugs. I think you were right to point out the obvious! He knows you're right - but make no mistake - an addict will choose his drug of choice over you when the disease is active. Get your finances in order in case you need to leave. Get a plan now. Alcohol is a drug - educate yourself so you know what you're dealing with... Do NOT take responsibility for HIS bad behavior! He shouldn't be drinking at all if he's working a solid program of recovery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 One thing alcoholics and addicts do best, is protect their addiction. If you try to come between them and their high, you become the enemy. You could've picked a better time & place to do this, but I don't think this conversation should cause a divorce. A reasonable person would understand your frustration, accept your apology and move on. If he really is not falling off the wagon, he may feel betrayed by your lack of faith, but would expect others to be more concerned about him and substances because of their history. If he is going back to his old ways, he knows you're right deep inside, but he won't say that to you because addicts/ alcoholics hide and lie. Even when they get sober, sometimes they keep lying , sneaking, denying, being defensive and sensitive to criticism. Sometimes the reason people became addicts is because they have issues, poor coping skills, etc and selfish medicate. Their issues are still there when they sober up. Tell him you that you are worried about him and you love him. Don't say in an accusatory or attacking way, say it in a concerned and considerate way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Before we met he was a drug addict but had been clean for 4mnths we met. Has he been clean the entire time you've been together? He shouldn't be drinking at all if he's working a solid program of recovery. Very true. Wasn't you that crossed the line, it was him. Based on my own experience, lots of potential red flags - travel without you, alcohol, unusual conduct - for a recovering addict... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 So, telling you to grow the *** up and that you're acting like a *** schoolgirl was ok for him to say? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 When i try talking to him or touch him he just walks away or starts playing with our son, He will not acknowledge me If he won't listen to anything else, then you must wake him out of his selfish stupor by saying to him something like, "Hey, we have a problem! Do you want us to try to resolve it together...or is it time for me to interview for a divorce lawyer?" Wait until he is locked in the bathroom if you must, and say it through the door...but of course out of earshot of your child. If you want to add, "We BOTH said hurtful things to each other, and I'm sorry for my part. I was just so shocked and felt so hurt and humiliated by your uncharacteristic mistreatment of me -- where did that come from by the way? -- and I just lost it. But we still need to figure out if we move forward together or apart." Help him to start thinking. And at the same time let him know that you will not put up with his passive-aggressive -- and childish -- "silent treatment". Hugs and best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I reacted & stupidly crossed the line I told him that he should ease up on the booze because we didn't want him to relapse into his old addictive ways" he just looked at me hurt and walked out, As soon as i said it i regretted it and Im furious with myself for saying that to him as he didn't deserve it at all i said one of the cruelest remarks a recovering drug addict could hear andhe is now giving me the silent treatment, When i try talking to him or touch him he just walks away or starts playing with our son, He will not acknowledge me and its driving me crazy, We have never been like this in our relationship and i hate that I've messed up big time and terrified i've ruined things, How can i fix this? I don't think your reaction was stupid - I think it was honest and relevant. His actions of not talking things out is NOT behavior of a recovered addict/alcoholic. In fact, it's opposite and looks like using behavior. HE should apologize! He should learn how to communicate in a healthy manner and he should be doing more to stay sober. SOBER = unaltered! Alcohol alters! If he won't stop drinking - I think you better leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 alcohol is an addictive drug every bit as much as any street drug. If he is drinking all the time, it's no different that shooting stuff into his veins or snorting it up his nose. The only thing different about alcohol is it is legal and socially acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Don't let him manipulate you with his silent treatment. Don't beg him to talk. Just go on about your business doing things to bring you some peace whether its going for a walk or reading. Don't think about him. He's acting like a child knowing he shouldn't be drinking especially if he was also an alcoholic. Is he also an alcoholic?? Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Don't let him manipulate you with his silent treatment. Don't beg him to talk. Just go on about your business doing things to bring you some peace whether its going for a walk or reading. Don't think about him. He's acting like a child knowing he shouldn't be drinking especially if he was also an alcoholic. Is he also an alcoholic?? Exactly. You told the truth and his little fee fees got all hurt. Maybe HE should grow the **** up and take responsibility for his own actions. He is getting a thrill knowing he is hurting you with the silent treatment. Don't let him have any satisfaction. And if he starts his **** again, take your child and go. A drunk should not be around kids anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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