He said he wants to leave!?!

[missthingy]

My husband of 10 years(we dated 9 years before getting married) has said he wants time out. He is frustrated with life and feels a failure. He said his only joy are our 2 children. He / we can go for days without physical contact or affection , but when we make love I enjoy it.

 

He says it's like we just tolerate each other and deep down we are not happy with eachother.

 

Well he is right as last year he went to jail for 9 months and the humiliation and shame I felt was immense. I even had to testify for him in front the jury. He's been home 3 months and it's hard for me to accept him after I had to cope without him.

 

I never thought of leaving because I love my children too much to hurt them with separation. But now it's my husband who wants to leave- despite me waiting for him while he was in jail. I tried my best for him but always get the sense that he feels I was just doing a duty that any wife should do. He has said this before too.

 

So now he wants to go- just as I was beginning to get settled. I figured marriage was for better and for worse and that this bad time would pass but he doesn't agree and wants time out.

 

My head is telling me that if he really does leave, after everything he put me through- there is no way I should ever consider allowing him back.

 

What do you think? Do I fight to keep my family together or let him go? Should it be his choice to mess up our kids lives by leaving? I don't want to have a broken family but perhaps I've given up on happiness.

[GoBlue]

Fighting for your family and "giving up on happiness" are not the same thing. I understand the sorrow and struggle you feel and I am sorry for your pain. You understand already that the only person you can control is yourself. There are, however, steps that you can take to maximize the chances of a positive response. I highly recommend a book called Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. In it he gives specific steps on how to respond to someone like your husband. I work at a place which does a lot of work to help marriages - I want you to know that there is hope. Things can turn around and your marriage can become more than you could ever imagine. It will require the efforts of both you and your husband but it can be done. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Minnie09]

What was he in prison for?

I agree that after all he's put you through, he should try to make things better, and not be demanding.

Could it be that he feels some sort of resentment coming from you?

If this is the case, he might be embarrassed about what he did to you and your family, which means that he doesn't want to talk about it, but rather rug-sweep the whole thing. In other words, if you keep bringing it up, he might feel the need to run away from it all, in order to avoid the feeling of embarrassment. Men have a hard time when they're being disrespected, and this feeling - being disrespected and embarrassed - is so uncomfortable, that they'd rather leave than work on issues. Especially when they're immature and have low self-esteem. You can either stand your ground and deal with the consequences, or cater to his every whim, so that he feels accepted and better about himself. What you shouldn't do is ignore your morals and needs. If you feel you need to resolve and talk about issues, you should. You have every right to do so. If you give in to him, especially if he tries to blackmail you by threatening to leave, you're not signing up for anything good.