Red Flags? Expectations?

[Veruca]

I wanted to post this question here to the experts. I'm trying to figure out what I need to tweak.

 

Looking back at my boyfriends, proposals, etc. I'm assuming the issue is I need to pay more attention to RED FLAGS EARLY ON? Save myself the grief and time. I feel very compatible with my boyfriend at the time, then something blindsides me. Maybe I'm too busy and not paying attention?

 

Aside from cheating, drugs, severe personality disorders...what do you consider RED FLAGS? Deal breakers? Maybe this has been asked and answered, but I'm curious where the line is drawn? I grew up in a house full of wild men so I'm somewhat tolerant and unfazed...LOL

 

And what about expectations? Which expectations are reasonable and unreasonable? I understand this differs from person to person, but maybe there is a baseline? Does it differ by gender (I'm sure it does to an extent)?

 

I'm very interested in learning from the success of others. Thanks!

[Ronni_W]

With the guy I ended up marrying -- and subsequently divorcing -- what I ignored at the outset was a really crappy sex life and lack of "heart" communications.

It didn't really feel like any type of major "red flag" at the time...possibly also because other things that I was, at the outset, valuing equally or more highly were being satisfied. During the marriage, though, things that were present during our dating/early marriage phases went missing/extinct.

 

But. So after that I decided that I was not going to settle for a crappy sex life again. Which I didn't. What started out as a relationship with a truly satisfying sex life morphed into 'crappy' sex over time...without any medical reason or being given any other explanation.

 

We just never know, I guess. In the first case, it was also my own priorities/values that got re-arranged over time as well as what I had been perceiving, receiving (in the early stages) went missing. In the second...we're still not sure what exactly happened.

Edited August 22, 2014 by Ronni_W
spelling

[SunnyWeather]

constantly seeking validation from the opposite sex

 

in other words, someone who is always leading on others and/or flirting inappropriately in order to garner attention/approval.

 

bottom line, it's a big red flag if your partner is highly insecure and has low self-esteem

[D-Fens]

Refusal to take responsibility; everything is someone else's fault.

 

Poor relationship with ALL their family along with never keeping friends for very long (and it's always the family's/friend's fault).

 

Casual racist / sexist /ageist comments or 'jokes'; always excusing an unpleasant comment as being a joke.

 

Rudeness to people in the service industry - a classic suggestion is to watch, on your first date, how they treat the wait staff.

[devilish innocent]

That's a loaded question. I think a lot of it is taking things slow, talk about serious issues, pay attention to how the person treats others, listen to your gut.

 

If you're really interested in all the things to watch out for, there's an excellent book out there, "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" by John Van Epp that deals entirely with the issue. Here's the author's page where he describes the book:

About the Book: Love Thinks

[todreaminblue]

a huge red flag for me is a guy who makes or ridicules a woman for their size, or is constantly putting down women due to any reason........or making other women feel uncomfortable...i do listen i do watch i have a photographic memory that takes snap shots of red flag moments........and this is really important to me....i have overweight daughters...i am over weight....i was bullied as a child and neither me nor my daughters deserve to be bullied by any man.....or thought less of.....for that reason ill date as a bigger woman.....but.....i cant do that anymore......

 

 

 

i have to lose weight due to health reasons......i cant keep losing weight and putting it back on...its causing problems health wise so i am getting back in shape and i plan on dating ............i will however be looking for that red flag which is a glaring one to me......if a guy disrespects bigger girls...he is out.......even when i am fit.....i dont like arrogant men....calm firm men is different....i like a guy with compassion and consistency.....reliability who dont hide out when it gets rough and who would encourage me instead of put me down or ridicule me when i am struggling...thick or thin is true..........weight is often a struggle and ridicule doesnt help me or my daughters...nor does contempt.......... if he has little compassion and consistency.... he is not for me.... guys who dont help others....yeah red flag...they dont stay the distance when times get rough....they pump while the going is good and dump when the going gets rough or hard or tiring...................deb......

[Poppygoodwill]

Everything that DFens said.

 

And I would add: someone who has a very pessimistic or cynical view on life. A glass half empty person who finds something negative in every situation is a difficult thing to live with over time. Life is short. And I want to spend it with positive people who tend to look on the sunny side and get on with doing cool stuff and having a good time rather than dwelling on the bad things.

[54JA]

My red flags are:

 

1) He asks to borrow money in the early phase of dating

 

2) He allows his female friend to spend the night (lax boundary)

 

3) He says ILYs prematurely

 

4) He has big, unrealistic plans with no concrete strategies to achieve them

 

5) He treats you cold in front of his friends

 

6) He does not have much going on in his life (and uses dating/relationship as a distraction)

 

Unreasonable Expectations

 

1) wanting the guy to spend all his free time with you

 

2) expecting him to read your mind

[pink_sugar]

Deal breakers for me are lying and infidelity. My brother's engagement ended last year becaise his fiance was unsure about the marriage and hooking up with other guys.