Brooke1990 Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Hi All. Never thought I would be attempting to get life advice from an online forum but realised that I needed some advice from people who are not invested in my decision and can provide logical opinions. Some background..am 23, living in Melbourne AUS and have secured myself an amazing job in a large global organisation. I have studied and only been working for 18 months and ideally not ready to leave. In the background I have been dating an American for over 3 years long distance. It has not been easy but he is a great guy so it has been worth the money and at times, the loneliness. My now fiancé has 2 children to an ex wife and is 35, the age gap doesn't bother me now, but will it later? The result will be me leaving my country where I love, my job, friends and family and moving to his country (not somewhere I love to be honest). I understand he doesn't want to leave his children's so the commitment needs to come from my end. But I do feel this commitment is one sided and involves a lot of risk for me. On one side I don't want to regret leaving a great guy for my comforts back home but on the other hand as a young independent woman, I don't want to regret leaving my growing future at 23. If anyone has any experiences of advice to give on this topic - please help. I need all the advice I can get, I am extremely indecisive and ending this would be a huge step for me. Thanks everyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 This is a tough choice and the odds are against you since you are still only 23. Think about it this way, while you have no other obligations, your fiance does. His kids will always come first. One reason it would be hard for me to ever be with someone with kids is that the existing commitment can come between you...such as lack of time to spend with one another or not being able to travel as much as you'd like...custody arrangements etc. Also, do you want kids later on? Since he is 35 with two, is he open to having more kids? When did you become engaged? How come you became engaged if you're not sure about moving to be with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brooke1990 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 We got engaged a month ago. I definitely do want kids but not yet. I am mature for my age and after we separated for 8 months we decided to get back together but only if I would make the commitment to him and move..which I have..I suppose now the reality has set in and I'm feeling anxious. I don't want to break up with him (one of the sweetest guys I know) but life outside him there involves a lot of personal risk for me..leaving my career here, family and friends plus the amazing work life balance I have. He is putting quite a lot a pressure on me to commit to certain dates to move overseas and I guess I'm just wanting someone to tell me what's most important and what I should do. Thanks for your reply, really appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I am mature for my age and after we separated for 8 months we decided to get back together but only if I would make the commitment to him and move. You got back together conditionally. Not a good way to start. You may think you're mature. When you're 30 and ready for those kids of your own, where's he gonna be? Probably tired of having raised the two he already has. He'll be 42. Don't let someone put 'quite a lot of pressure' on you. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't pressure you. Young independent woman with a growing future. You described yourself. Don't give it up. Read thru your posts: One-sided A lot of personal risk (for you) Amazing work life balance Amazing job Not ready to leave Age gap (yes, it will bother you later) Please stay with your awesome job and family in Australia. He's giving up nothing, risking nothing. You could end up over here alone, in a country you don't even like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I say HECK NO, you're young and have your ENTIRE life ahead of you. This guy may be ONE of the sweetest guys you know, but he is not the only sweetest guy you know and will not be the only sweetest guy you will ever know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
exit82 Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Don't do it! You are WAY to young to take on that much baggage- #1 the age gap is to big #2 he has 2 kids AND an ex wife -have you met any of them? at 35 the kids could be teenagers- they could chew you up and spit you out in no time flat You have way to much going for you- You have way to much to offer- There are plenty of sweet guys - even on your continent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brooke1990 Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 I have met the kids and the ex wife numerous times. We go back and forth between Colorado and AU every 8 weeks. I love the kids but they are not mine - so obviously my attachment to them is different, kids are 9 and 10 - going on 21..! Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it Link to post Share on other sites
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