Are we still compatible?

[jomo252]

We have been married 4 years but for over the last year we have argued loads and I'm not sure we love each other anymore. We have two young children who both love him. We fell out recently as I'm lonely and home sick and he gets annoyed with me when I'm upset, turning it round to how he feels. I'm sure he does little stupid things to wind me up which most the time I ignore but I do nag him a lot from everything to never brushing his teeth to being a lazy couch potatoe. We are lucky to have sex once a month but he has always had a lower sex drive than me. If I leave him I will move back home which will make it hard for him to see the kids often. I did drag him to see a counsellor last year and it had helped with the quantity of the arguments but not the quality nothing ever gets resolved he just goes off in the huff forever. I just don't know if we have anything keeping us together other than the kids as we have no emotional or physical connection. I do want it to work but I need to feel valued and loved. Help please

[d0nnivain]

Have you told him that?

 

What are you doing to overcome your loneliness? Do you have friends & interests or is your inattentive husband your own source of adult interaction? If so, get out & make a life for yourself even if it's only once per week.

[DKT3]

Knowing what I know now, and having traveled the road we have in our marriage I would love to be in your position.

 

It may seem like its too much to handle but if you committed to you husband and marriage this can be fixed. First stop thinking about leaving and focus on how to make it better.

 

Communicate your issues with your husband and make sure he hears you.

 

I get the sense that both of you are doing things that you know will piss the other off. Why? Really stop and think about that for awhile.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP, sorry for your situation. Well done for posting. There are a lot of perspectives here on LS and people who want to help. Your post seems heartfelt and honest. So forgive the following...

 

"I do nag him a lot from everything to never brushing his teeth to being a lazy couch potatoe." You don't need me to tell you, this is a killer. No, wait, you *do* need me to tell you. Nagging is a passive aggressive technique which means you cherish your grievances. Better to be clear in your own mind about what you want, then save up your problems and discuss them. Do not nag - negotiate.

 

" I'm sure he does little stupid things to wind me up"

Maybe. Maybe he doesn't agree they are stupid things.

Maybe he just carries on and keeps his head down.

Maybe he thinks you do stupid things.

Maybe it's his way of getting back at you for the nagging.

Find out by talking.

 

"We are lucky to have sex once a month".

I never found a nagging spouse to be at all sexy. He'd be a unique guy if he did.

 

You say what you want is to feel valued and loved, but as that is not behaviour you show to your husband, why do you expect it back? Why are you more entitled than he is? If you talked together you might hear yourselves saying things to each other, that you need to know, like "My parents bickered and I hated it", or "I feel you love the children more than me" or "After the kids you have been so bad tempered" or whatever. Listen, then talk.

 

Do you know what *he* wants? Have you negotiated? I am guessing not, and now all discussions devolve because of hard feelings on both sides. To get out of that situation, you are going to have to rein your grievances in hard and let him have his say, and NEGOTIATE not lay down your view as though it is holy writ. I am guessing that top of his list will be "A spouse that does not nag me".

 

One more thing: Never nag him in front of the kids. This bears repeating a hundred times. It is a no-no. Doing it in front of the kids is a big mistake.

 

All the above comes from the perspective of a guy who put up foolishly with angry nagging behaviour from a spouse, for years. So a bit of me suspects you of that, possibly wrongly and if so my apologies. Good luck with your situation and working it out for the sake of your marriage and your children.