Irreversible Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I am so very lost right now, and no one can really give me good advice due to almost everyone I talk to being biased towards my fiancé (the only real friends I have are his female family members), and I have been too ashamed to admit all truths to my own family. I am 21, 'engaged' to be married to M, 31, and we have been together for 5 years, all of which we have lived together. M and I met on a phone party line when I was 16 and talked for a full year up until the point that I relocated 6 hours away from home to live with him. He had never had a real girlfriend or lived with anyone, and neither had I. On the phone he was one person, but almost immediately upon moving into his apartment I realized he had been misleading, to say the least, about who he was. He had serious alcohol and drug problems, which he had been battling for 10 years, I soon came to find out. He, at times, was physically and VERY emotionally abusive. At the time I was only 17 and was told I was lazy, fat, sex wasn't good with me, and that I was a piece of crap for not getting a job even though I couldn't legally yet. For awhile I was deeply emotionally hurt and couldn't make sense of why someone I loved so much acted as if he didn't even want me around despite me doing everything possible that he wanted. He would go from being violent and hateful on drugs/alcohol, to the funny, sweet, loving man I fell in love with when he was sober and not angry with me. I feel that I fell into a depression for awhile, then my depression turned to anger and eventually resentment, which is where I am now. I began lashing out over any and everything, I felt myself turn cold towards him and as if I fall in and out of love with him weekly. A few years down the road, M had switched habits and it ends up being one I occasionally take on as well, following him because it is something I liked as well and so I can feel closeness constantly and that we won't detach when he decides he wants to abuse drugs. I wanted the arguments over that to stop, I felt it was the only problem I had with him. We live like this for 2 years, I enroll into college and we move into a new apartment, all seems blissfully well. He is the M I fell in love with again. One night he relapses into his old self and habit, he gets extremely, dangerously violent and the night ends with us having unprotected sex in my last ditch effort after a night of hell just to feel loved again. I end up getting pregnant, M is excited, and I am not so sure. Being a 19 year old college student with no job, a drug habit and a man a decade older than me with no real grasp on what being a parent really takes, I end up having an abortion. I feel this is where I really lost M, I feel we never came back from that fully. He resents me terribly but I still feel I did the right thing as I cannot picture myself having a child with him, though I do love him. We lose our apartment due to him being laid off from work, and me being a student volunteering my hours to a school-appointed job right before graduation. Things start going south, but they aren't as bad as they are now, yet. He ends up reconnecting with an old friend who ends up spending a lot of time with us, so naturally I grow closer to this guy friend as well, though it is the definition of platonic. He is going through a divorce, and I think we somehow were a like due to the feeling of rejection from the one we love. I felt bad for him, and although he and M had a falling out, I was still in contact with the friend due to being worried about him. We spend time together which infuriates M, we had many, many heated fights in which I have to defend myself for simply being , what I consider, a good friend to this guy. Absolutely nothing romantic or sexual ever happens with our friend. It got so bad at home, everyone started to notice and gossip about what they thought we were doing and it got so bad our friend offered me a place to stay. I declined and we drifted apart in order to save my relationship, and we ended up moving in with M's female family member and her boyfriend which is where we are currently. Our entire relationship up until this point I feel TRAPPED, due to being financially unable to get my own place and support myself, or I would have been long gone. I cannot move back with my family because that would put way to much on them. I basically feel like a burden to the world. Currently, our situation is I had to force M into a doctor to get treatment for his habit after I quit on my own will. His medication has made his moods more stable but our already very scarce sex life- now basically non-existent (2-3 times a year). He always blames it on his medication but I feel there are other contributing factors. He is very protective over his phone, I am not allowed to even touch it but I once went through an old phone and found where he was looking up transvestite porn among other things, and have always wondered if he questioned his sexuality. Any attempts to discuss his detachment from me sexually (Am I what you want anymore? Do you find me attractive?) are met with anger and denial and refusal to talk about it. At this point the only way we really know how to communicate Is through sarcasm, put-downs and down right insults from both of us to each other constantly. I am more miserable and alone than ever, even though he is in drug treatment nothing emotionally or romantically has improved. We come home from work and go our own separate ways. he goes to socialize with our roommates and I go hide out in my room, since we have lived here over a year and I desperately want back my privacy and our own space together. I respond to rental ads for houses we can afford and have even looked at a few but I cannot get him interested. He says he needs to help his female cousin (our roommate) financially, and he can't just leave her. I feel that he favors her to me very much, and has even said I need to be more like her numerous times. I have found messages from her to him on the subject of us fighting where she says that she can tell that he is not happy with me, that he can have anyone he wants and he needs to send me back where I came from. Of course when I brought it up he took her side as he always does without fail. I feel he is constantly putting her before me now and that I have to compete against her and everything else, really. I am in last place in his heart and mind. Even though we are cold towards each other I always express that I love him and care about him more than anyone and have his best interest in mind. Even though I know I would be better off leaving, and ending it, I still love him and see him as the M I fell in love with at times but feel that it is too far gone to fix it. I am so alone. Thanks for listening and I would love to hear any thoughts, questions or advice. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Ok. here's what you do: Read your entire post as if a complete stranger to you, had posted it. What would you tell that poor, deluded girl? There IS light at the end of the tunnel. You know precisely, but precisely what it is you have to do. And that's to leave, as soon as you can. You just have to have the courage and self-confidence to do it. But do it? You absolutely must. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Where is your family in all of this? I'm assuming you aren't in the US because no family in their right mind would send their 17 year old daughter 6 hours away to live with a man 10 years her senior who she "met" on a party phone line. If he's abusive & drug addicted, tell your family. If he is not making enough money to support you, tell your family. If you live in a country where they will help, tell the authorities about the abuse. Do not marry this man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 You don't need to be looking for a house you can afford with this guy. Since you're working and have at least some income, you can instead look for a single room in a house with roommates, or a cheap apartment in a decent area where you can go and live by yourself. This relationship obviously has no good future. You probably have some family of origin issues - neglect, poor treatment - which caused you to think this was a worthy relationship. Is there a low-cost counseling center in your area where you can talk to someone about how you ended up here? Link to post Share on other sites
Cakess Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Yeah... You need to call a family member and get out today. There's no more love in the relationship and you need to leave. TODAY. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Irreversible Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 I am now 21 and we've been together 5 years. I'm originally from Georgia, which legal age of consent is 16 in that state. When I moved here, to TN, I was 17 and had been living out of my moms house since I was 14/15. So there was not a whole lot my mom could do besides advise me not to do it but of course I did the opposite of what she said. My family is there and we talk almost daily but I am too ashamed to tell them the majority of this, and I can't go home because they honestly couldn't even afford to take me in until I could get back on my own due to issues with other family members Link to post Share on other sites
Author Irreversible Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 You probably have some family of origin issues - neglect, poor treatment - which caused you to think this was a worthy relationship. Is there a low-cost counseling center in your area where you can talk to someone about how you ended up here? You're absolutely right. I know that is a lot of where my self esteem issues come from, a big one is my dad not wanting me EVER that I can remember and disappearing when I was 5 or 6. The rest is just growing up in an hostile environment (multiple family members on drugs/fighting daily) and the fact that the way my family shows love is to yell and curse at each other then forget it happened 5 minutes later. That is the norm for me and it always has been unfortunately. I couldn't imagine life any other way and it kind of shames me to say that Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 This relationship sounds like torture, you do not love yourself you are still here living with someone that doesn't give a **** about his own life, he should not matter right Now. Its you, you're 21 with awhole beautiful life ahead, leave him to nurture yourself and become the best you yet! Find a job partime whatever....and start saving that money now (instead of looking gir a new place with Mr does not love you or himself) move on...get in touch with family & friends and. Build a support system . find you for a while and I can assure you there is a wonderful loving partner to be had... And you'll shudder looking back on the life you have now....torture! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 There's nothing to be ashamed of. You made a mistake. Your family will understand & they will take you back. You may need to get a minimum wage job immediately when you move back just to make some money but your family will put a roof over your head until you get a better job. Get away from your FI now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Irreversible Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 I've never considered counseling because I never thought my problems were bad enough for that Link to post Share on other sites
Author Irreversible Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 This relationship sounds like torture, you do not love yourself you are still here living with someone that doesn't give a **** about his own life, he should not matter right Now. Its you, you're 21 with awhole beautiful life ahead, leave him to nurture yourself and become the best you yet! Find a job partime whatever....and start saving that money now (instead of looking gir a new place with Mr does not love you or himself) move on...get in touch with family & friends and. Build a support system . find you for a while and I can assure you there is a wonderful loving partner to be had... And you'll shudder looking back on the life you have now....torture! Thank you so much. I try to tell myself that sometimes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Irreversible Posted January 25, 2014 Author Share Posted January 25, 2014 There's nothing to be ashamed of. You made a mistake. Your family will understand & they will take you back. You may need to get a minimum wage job immediately when you move back just to make some money but your family will put a roof over your head until you get a better job. Get away from your FI now. I know I should but I just could never go back to my family like that. It's not so much pride but just concern for them. My mother and grandmother raised me and right now they are raising my sister's 13, 12 and 11 year old kids due to my sister being an unfit mother. They can't handle too much more, honestly. It's a complicated situation and it would have to be life or death before I would be okay with myself for going back there like that Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 OP, while everyone here including yourself can see that it is better to leave and exit the relationship, you cannot seem to be able to do so. Why is that? You say you love him, but I think you need to learn to love yourself more. You can't change him. How long are you going to put up with this before it's enough. What is your threshold? Also, your problems are definitely serious enough to see a counselor for. People see counselors for much milder reasons. I don't think you fully realize how horrible of a situation you're in because you're so used to these types of behaviors from people around you. It doesn't have to be this way. It IS possible to be around respectful and considerate people who care about you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 He doesn't love you OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Please listen to these guys. Its so so hard but inside you know. He doesn't love you OP. Link to post Share on other sites
VeronicaRoss Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 You are incredibly articulate and dedicated to your own education, all this despite your family and current environment. You have a lot going for you. Where you came from, the shame is understandable, but it only defines you as much as you allow it to as you shape your own life. We live in a country where people get to reinvent themselves. You've got a whole life ahead to create. You need counseling and your situation is most definitely that bad. Don't marry him or anyone who would talk to you that way, and don't treat anyone that way either in case you think it's just what people do to each other. It's really damaging. What he's doing is crippling you emotionally with negative talk so you won't run away from him, it makes you dependent upon him. Read about emotionally abusive relationships online and how to get out. Do not bring kids into this world with him, that would be mean. Take care of yourself and your unborn kids. Get out, get counseling so you know how people should treat you, learn to treat others with respect too. Don't stop the counseling and reading until to believe you deserve a positive, loving man. Because there are lots of positive and other negative men out there. You get to choose who and what you want. And next time, date someone for a year and get to know them before moving in! Link to post Share on other sites
VeronicaRoss Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Also, read up on 'codependency'. He's an addict, that is a whole other area to get smart about as you could very easily get hooked up with another addict. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 You are 21. Please tell yourself "I am 21." the 20s are the most valuable years to a woman because your fertility is at its best and you have the most time to look for the right person. Don't waste your time on men who don't love you and won't be marriage material. You recreated your life with him. Your father didn't want you so you're trying hard for a redo. If this guy can love you, then you'll undo the hurt and you'll feel loved and worthy. He won't. This individual is broken and abusive. You need someone who builds you up and is happy and greatful you are choosing to have sex with him. It doesn't matter what your family is dealing with;they will deal with you as well as you are family too. Even if they don't you still need to find a way to get out of your situation. Did I mention you are only 21? Break free and enjoy life. Link to post Share on other sites
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