needing Time for Myself in my Relationship

[Shindig]

I picked my other half for a lot of reasons, we're a great match on so many levels. We dated long distance for years and not being together physically was a big strain on our relationship. When when we finally managed to land in the same city and then started living together, we literally did almost everything together and have for the past 2 years- showering, chores, etc.

 

He works from home so he gets leisure time away from me, but when I get home I have to ask to spend time by myself. If I want to get my hair cut or go to the supermarket he wants to go too. When I decline to do these activities with him, he feels hurt and rejected. I don't like seeing him hurt. I care worlds about this person. However, semiconsciously I've started to interpret this as disrespect for my need to have time for myself and it is affecting my ability to ask for what I need and sowing seeds of resentment. This makes me want to spend even less time with him (who wants to hang out with someone who just started pouting because you say you want to have a shopping date with your girlfriends) but I now feel obligated to spend time with him. My life is work, sleep, chores and spending time with SO and now negotiating how we spend our time, what's for dinner, etc. has also become a chore. I'm literally never by myself unless I'm showering at the gym. I don't think wanting time by myself is unfair or unhealthy and what I wouldn't give for him to have a regular date with buddies for beer and bowling, but it's just not who he is.

 

We've talked about this cycle and we're both working on it as a sort of growing pain of being apart and then being together and then learning to establish those boundaries that happen more naturally when couples start in the same town, but I'm interested if there's some element I'm missing and needing tips for managing his anxiety about me spending time by myself. I'm sure there's resentment shining through when I spend time with him and I'd rather be doing something by myself or in feeling ****ty that I've deprived him of time with me when I do take that time away from him. Note: fidelity is not an issue for either of us.

[d0nnivain]

I think it's healthy to spend time apart from your mate. Do stuff with him but get him to understand you need some space.

 

For me I would come home & go into another room. When I came out, I was ready to be social. Until then, my BF knew to leave me alone.

[InnocentMan]

Explain to him the same way you have explained here. Don't be scared to hurt his feelings, because if it continues, he will get hurt more in the long haul. It's not unreasonable to require complete alone time, in fact, it's essential for a healthy relationship.

 

If you can't even take a shower at home alone, then it's a real problem.

[Shindig]

We have managed to find a balance for other things like that I'm not ready for full on lovey-dovey the instant I step through the door after work. I need a minute to wash my face and kick something to get my angst about work out of my system. Once he was *really* willing to give that to me, it became easier for me to come home and give him an honest loving kiss (instead of an obligatory one) before taking that moment to decompress.

 

We had a longer more drawn out discussion about it over the summer when he said he was going to visit his family for a couple of days and I'd have the house to myself for a long weekend. I did get the time, but only after asking him repeatedly over the next 8 weeks how his planning was going and when I should make time to take him to the airport. I felt like he was putting it off (even though I knew that weather and family issues were affecting his ability to schedule the trip) he sensed it and interpreted it as me trying to get rid of him. I have to find a way to work through my resentment is what I'm taking away from this. It will make it easier for him to give me what I'm asking for. WAT DO!?

 

I feel like a weirdo complaining about a man who wants to be around me all the time. You're right tho, I need my own time/space/activities so we don't fight about meaningless things like fruit going bad.

[bwright42tx]

I picked my other half for a lot of reasons, we're a great match on so many levels. We dated long distance for years and not being together physically was a big strain on our relationship. When when we finally managed to land in the same city and then started living together, we literally did almost everything together and have for the past 2 years- showering, chores, etc.

 

He works from home so he gets leisure time away from me, but when I get home I have to ask to spend time by myself. If I want to get my hair cut or go to the supermarket he wants to go too. When I decline to do these activities with him, he feels hurt and rejected. I don't like seeing him hurt. I care worlds about this person. However, semiconsciously I've started to interpret this as disrespect for my need to have time for myself and it is affecting my ability to ask for what I need and sowing seeds of resentment. This makes me want to spend even less time with him (who wants to hang out with someone who just started pouting because you say you want to have a shopping date with your girlfriends) but I now feel obligated to spend time with him. My life is work, sleep, chores and spending time with SO and now negotiating how we spend our time, what's for dinner, etc. has also become a chore. I'm literally never by myself unless I'm showering at the gym. I don't think wanting time by myself is unfair or unhealthy and what I wouldn't give for him to have a regular date with buddies for beer and bowling, but it's just not who he is.

 

We've talked about this cycle and we're both working on it as a sort of growing pain of being apart and then being together and then learning to establish those boundaries that happen more naturally when couples start in the same town, but I'm interested if there's some element I'm missing and needing tips for managing his anxiety about me spending time by myself. I'm sure there's resentment shining through when I spend time with him and I'd rather be doing something by myself or in feeling ****ty that I've deprived him of time with me when I do take that time away from him. Note: fidelity is not an issue for either of us.

 

My story is very similar to yours . .started out as an LDR, moved in together, spent almost all our time together.

 

When we first moved in together, we were both going to college. Our only real break from each other was while I was working or we were in class. Pretty soon we were passing a baby back and forth between classes. Then we moved back to Texas. Far away from any friends or family of my wife's.

 

I went to work and school, she stayed home with first one child, then two. My wife never had a drivers license, she had no friends down here, so she couldn't and din't really go anywhere without me.

 

She needed some her time, but found it really hard to get until the kids started school. She volunteered at the school and with Girl Scouts once our daughter was old enough. It was there she started making friends down here. , and even met her current BFF there.

 

There was even a brief time period (about a year) where we worked together in the same office (literally the same office inside of a larger office, her desk was on the opposite wall from mine). I worked from home for a while too, which was of course more togetherness.

 

What has helped her a lot, is she now has a standing "girls day" every Friday. Sometime before lunch her BFF picks her up and they go to lunch and hang out all day. They used to get weekly mani/pedi's that day until that became too much for our budget and her friend's budget, now they have lunch, take care of any misc. shopping and then just go hang out at her friends house. Sometime's her husband joins them if he's off work on Friday's, but they both seem to like it better when it's just the two of them. I swing by her BFF's house and chat for a few minutes then take her home with me.

 

Maybe you could have a girls night, girls morning, some day to hang, maybe it's only every other week. Depending on your situation. But making it a standard routine item on the calendar may make it more acceptable to him, and he can better plan for it so he can do something on his own with that time too.

[Shindig]

That's a thought, bwright42tx I've been encouraging him to get back into the band scene (he plays bass) but he doesn't have spare cash to contribute financially at the moment. I might ask if a gym membership for Christmas would be something he'd use and make a regular date with some girlfriends.