Opposite Sex Friends

[bwright42tx]

I've seen a few posts here and there on the appropriateness of having friends of the opposite sex. They got me thinking. The general consensus seems to be that you shouldn't have a close personal relationship with a member of the opposite sex if you are in a committed relationship. Maybe I'm misreading this consensus.

 

What I hear is, if my wife (or husband, partner, etc.) is not meeting my needs, and I complain about this in detail to a member of the opposite sex, I've started down the slippery slope to an affair, and perhaps have even committed an emotional affair. However, it seems perfectly acceptable to share these details/have these kinds of encounters with close personal friends who share my gender.

 

I think this is an oversimplification of the situation. I do think there are boundaries to what you should and shouldn't share about your relationship with another person, but I don't agree that some of those boundaries change because of the gender of the person you are sharing that information with.

 

I'd be curious to hear some opinions on this and have a good discussion about this. I've got some other thoughts and personal experiences on the subject I'd like to share, but I would like to see some comments/opinions from others before I cloud the judgement pool with my thoughts and experiences.

[d0nnivain]

It can be a slippery slope. The key is to make sure your emotional needs are not getting met by this opposite sex friend only.

 

 

I have lots of guy friends. Many were my friends before I met DH. Some are new since we've been married. While I occasionally discuss personal stuff with them -- had a long chat with one on Sunday about what we are buying our respective SO's for Christmas -- we don't share intimate details.

 

 

Actually the guy I was talking to Sunday is the guy on whose shoulder I cried right after I met DH. I was so sure he didn't like me & wasn't going to ask me out I ran to this friend & poured my heart out. The friend calmed me down & assured me that DH did in fact like me. To his credit, the friend waited until the middle of our wedding reception to say "I told you so."

 

 

DH will be leaving tomorrow for 3 days to go to a funeral on the other side of the country that I can't attend. I will probably blubber to one or more of my buddies about how much I miss him.

 

 

Like anything else, it all depends on how you deal with the friends and whether you would be OK with your SO being present for every interaction you have with the friend. If your behavior doesn't change behind their back vs in front of their face I think you are OK. As long as the "secrets" are like mine -- what DH is getting for Christmas & on prior occasions many of these guys helped me plan & execute the surprise party I threw DH a few years ago -- you are fine.

[bwright42tx]

It can be a slippery slope. The key is to make sure your emotional needs are not getting met by this opposite sex friend only.

 

 

I have lots of guy friends. Many were my friends before I met DH. Some are new since we've been married. While I occasionally discuss personal stuff with them -- had a long chat with one on Sunday about what we are buying our respective SO's for Christmas -- we don't share intimate details.

 

 

Actually the guy I was talking to Sunday is the guy on whose shoulder I cried right after I met DH. I was so sure he didn't like me & wasn't going to ask me out I ran to this friend & poured my heart out. The friend calmed me down & assured me that DH did in fact like me. To his credit, the friend waited until the middle of our wedding reception to say "I told you so."

 

 

DH will be leaving tomorrow for 3 days to go to a funeral on the other side of the country that I can't attend. I will probably blubber to one or more of my buddies about how much I miss him.

 

 

Like anything else, it all depends on how you deal with the friends and whether you would be OK with your SO being present for every interaction you have with the friend. If your behavior doesn't change behind their back vs in front of their face I think you are OK. As long as the "secrets" are like mine -- what DH is getting for Christmas & on prior occasions many of these guys helped me plan & execute the surprise party I threw DH a few years ago -- you are fine.

 

You raise some good points. However, I doubt my wife would be comfortable with me being present for every interaction she has with her best friend (female). I know they talk about intimate details, etc. I'm just wondering why it seems to be acceptable to share those details with a same sex friend and not an opposite sex friend.

 

A friends is a friend, if there is no romantic interest between the parties shouldn't you be just as justified in having a same sex best friend as in having an opposite sex best friend?

[d0nnivain]

See I don't think you should talk about intimate detail with friends of either sex.

 

 

Part of the "problem" with opposite sex friends the whole idea that men & women can't be friends without the specter of attraction. The trouble starts when one or both starts acting on it.

[bwright42tx]

See I don't think you should talk about intimate detail with friends of either sex.

 

 

Part of the "problem" with opposite sex friends the whole idea that men & women can't be friends without the specter of attraction. The trouble starts when one or both starts acting on it.

 

Then who should you confide in, talk about, etc. when you're having intimate problems in your relationship? An internet forum full of strangers? What if you discovered one of these "strangers" sat next to you in Church every Sunday morning. . . at least with a best friend you know who you are getting advice from.

[beach]

Talk directly and honestly with the person you have the issue with.

 

It is called communication.

[bwright42tx]

Talk directly and honestly with the person you have the issue with.

 

It is called communication.

 

I agree in theory. However, in practice, I know I have been the beneficiary of some conversations between my wife and her best friend. Those are conversations that she would never have had with me, well they weren't conversations as much as her listening and becoming intrigued by details her friend shared. . .

 

in that respect I'm glad intimate details were a topic of conversation between the two of them.

[MissBee]

We're humans...if a person is someone you could potentially be attracted to and develop feelings for, it is possible, especially if you use them for emotional support, that you develop romantic feelings and go down the slippery slope. I don't believe you can't have opposite sex friends though, it's just a matter of appropriate boundaries.

 

If you are someone who is attracted to your own gender, it works the same.

 

If you're not attracted to your own gender, you can still be breaking boundaries and confidence in your R by sharing certain things, however the chance of you getting into an affair with the same sex person is clearly not there or significantly decreased than if you're crossing boundaries and bonding emotionally with someone you could be involved with romantically.

 

The boundaries don't change but the consequence of ignoring them does though depending on the gender and your own orientation. I am not going to end up in an affair with my female friend no matter how much emotional support I gain from her and no matter how I cry on her shoulder or sleep in her bed...if I did the same with a male friend (who isn't gay) I can't guarantee that either of us won't slip up.

[bwright42tx]

Okay, trying to redirect a little. . . it seems then the consensus (of beach and d0nnivain at least) is that we shouldn't share intimate details with friends of either sex.

 

What about non intimate details. Can I complain about my wife to my guy friends? Especially when it's non-intimate complaints? Can she complain to her girl friends about me? Where is the line drawn? When does it become some form of emotional cheating?

[bwright42tx]

If you're not attracted to your own gender, you can still be breaking boundaries and confidence in your R by sharing certain things, however the chance of you getting into an affair with the same sex person is clearly not there or significantly decreased than if you're crossing boundaries and bonding emotionally with someone you could be involved with romantically.

 

So, then is it the potential for attraction that defines what does and does not create an emotional affair? I understand that my wife should be my first, top confident. I should be able to confide anything in her and for the most part if I wouldn't confide it in her, I shouldn't confide it in someone else (male or female).

 

However it's useful for her to have a non-judgmental friend whom she can confide in/complain to me about, even when she doesn't want to make those complaints directly to me. It lets her blow off steam, especially with what could have been a minor issue, without feeling like she's attacking me.

 

But, how does that dynamic change if she is doing that with a male friend? Is it only crossing the line if there is potential attraction involved?

[MissBee]

Ask your wife.

 

I'm not being snarky. Every relationship is different and what counts as a betrayal of trust/confidence is dependent on the two people. Not all betrayals are cheating. I wouldn't want my husband to be detailing aspects of our sex life or finances, depending on what it is, with male or female friends, it's not cheating, but it is a betrayal of my trust.

 

I understand everyone will have a friend or two they confide in and I can't police that. But I do think some stuff in a marriage should ONLY be for the two people in it and not for even your best friend. I really believe that and those things, whatever they are, would be something we decide together, and you breaking that agreement is a betrayal even if it is not emotional cheating. People with good relationships, from what I have seen, have boundaries between what is private, intimate and sacred to their relationship and that's only for them and what they share. People who don't and many who cheat seem to lack this distinction of what is appropriate to be shared and what isn't.

 

Emotionally cheating isn't about blabbing your mouth. You can blab your mouth without emotional cheating; but often that blabbing and over sharing of intimacies with opposite sex friends can lead to the development of feelings and it becomes emotional cheating when you have developed romantic feelings, you begin to substitute or also share the things you should only with your spouse with this person and start using them in a way that you'd use a bf/gf/wife/husband emotionally.You also KNOW it's emotional cheating if your spouse isn't privy to your conversations and if you would feel hurt if they were sharing with someone else in the same way you are with this other person. We ALL know how we feel when something is more than platonic and emotional cheating feels that way, you get all giddy, excited, can't wait to talk to this person and the entire manner of your interactions feels quite different than when you're talking to a regular old friend with whom you have a normal friendship with.

Edited November 18, 2013 by MissBee

[SincereOnlineGuy]

you shouldn't have a close personal relationship with a member of the opposite sex if you are in a committed relationship... I don't agree that some of those boundaries change because of the gender of the person you are sharing that information with.

 

 

 

Women, because they can go out and get a f*ck anytime they want to, don't have any trouble maintaining boundaries in male-female friendships. (although those women who have been previously victimized, often serve as examples that might make you think otherwise, when merely exhibiting the effects of the past victimization)

 

Men, who have for years wished that sex and romance was as plentiful to them as is the case for most women, just don't tend to waste effort on opportunities they don't want to pan-out. (obviously there are exceptions for workplaces, neighbors, and friends of family members)

 

Thus, basically any male who is considerably drawn toward a "friendship" with a woman (absent the aforementioned exceptions), would much rather be in her pants. (If they merely say "hi" at the mailbox twice a week, that doesn't count)

 

As this isn't about the law, or the E.R.A., the notion that both genders should be regarded equally in these scenarios, has no sensible foundation.

[bwright42tx]

Ask your wife.

 

I'm not being snarky. Every relationship is different and what counts as a betrayal of trust/confidence is dependent on the two people. Not all betrayals are cheating. I wouldn't want my husband to be detailing aspects of our sex life or finances, depending on what it is, with male or female friends, it's not cheating, but it is a betrayal of my trust.

 

I understand everyone will have a friend or two they confide in and I can't police that. But I do think some stuff in a marriage should ONLY be for the two people in it and not for even your best friend. I really believe that and those things, whatever they are, would be something we decide together, and you breaking that agreement is a betrayal even if it is not emotional cheating. People with good relationships, from what I have seen, have boundaries between what is private, intimate and sacred to their relationship and that's only for them and what they share. People who don't and many who cheat seem to lack this distinction of what is appropriate to be shared and what isn't.

 

Emotionally cheating isn't about blabbing your mouth. You can blab your mouth without emotional cheating; but often that blabbing and over sharing of intimacies with opposite sex friends can lead to the development of feelings and it becomes emotional cheating when you have developed romantic feelings, you begin to substitute or also share the things you should only with your spouse with this person and start using them in a way that you'd use a bf/gf/wife/husband emotionally.You also KNOW it's emotional cheating if your spouse isn't privy to your conversations and if you would feel hurt if they were sharing with someone else in the same way you are with this other person. We ALL know how we feel when something is more than platonic and emotional cheating feels that way, you get all giddy, excited, can't wait to talk to this person and the entire manner of your interactions feels quite different than when you're talking to a regular old friend with whom you have a normal friendship with.

 

I don't think that's snarky. Actually my wife and I have fairly well established boundaries. She knows what I would be comfortable with her sharing and what I feel would be a betrayal, and I know the same from her. We also have some disagreements on certain boundaries too, nothing major, and the general rule is if one of us is uncomfortable with a boundary then we defer to the less comfortable partners feelings.

 

I've just been reading a lot of threads on here lately and I had seen a few threads on friends of the opposite sex, and it just struck me as odd that the apparent consensus around here was that being married/in a committed relationship automatically made opposite sex friendships a bad thing. I wanted to explore this area a little more deeply and get a better feel for people's opinions.

 

My wife has a couple of opposite sex friends, and she knows my opinions of the boundaries in general. There are a couple with special boundaries. One she is free to share anything she wants with. The other if I had 100% my way she would not be friends with at all, but I didn't marry a doormat and she is okay to have a friend I don't agree with as long a she respects the boundaries.

[bwright42tx]

As this isn't about the law, or the E.R.A., the notion that both genders should be regarded equally in these scenarios, has no sensible foundation.

 

To borrow a phrase from above, I'm really not trying to be "snarky" here, but you are essentially saying a bisexual person can then have no close friendships outside their current relationship then.

[bwright42tx]

Thus, basically any male who is considerably drawn toward a "friendship" with a woman (absent the aforementioned exceptions), would much rather be in her pants. (If they merely say "hi" at the mailbox twice a week, that doesn't count)

 

And I must be the exception to that rule then . . . two of my very best friends are married to each other. I knew them both before they knew each other, and I was drawn to and still have an intense and unique friendship with her, and absolutely zero desire for anything more than friendship. Except for some obvious appearance differences, most people would assume her and I to be brother and sister, if they are used to seeing brothers and sisters who get along like best friends.

[MissBee]

I don't think that's snarky. Actually my wife and I have fairly well established boundaries. She knows what I would be comfortable with her sharing and what I feel would be a betrayal, and I know the same from her. We also have some disagreements on certain boundaries too, nothing major, and the general rule is if one of us is uncomfortable with a boundary then we defer to the less comfortable partners feelings.

 

I've just been reading a lot of threads on here lately and I had seen a few threads on friends of the opposite sex, and it just struck me as odd that the apparent consensus around here was that being married/in a committed relationship automatically made opposite sex friendships a bad thing. I wanted to explore this area a little more deeply and get a better feel for people's opinions.

 

My wife has a couple of opposite sex friends, and she knows my opinions of the boundaries in general. There are a couple with special boundaries. One she is free to share anything she wants with. The other if I had 100% my way she would not be friends with at all, but I didn't marry a doormat and she is okay to have a friend I don't agree with as long a she respects the boundaries.

 

The idea that it is automatically a bad thing is a bit much. I don't think it's automatically a bad thing. I think so long as people have proper boundaries, are transparent with their partners and realize what is and isn't appropriate and know how to pull back if they feel themselves slipping, then nothing is wrong with such friendships.